(Nick, Kurt and Dale are attempting to sneak into Rex's house)
Wait. Shit. What if he's in there?
Kurt Oh, yeah. How do we make sure he's not?
(sarcastically)
I don't know. Why don't you guys ring the doorbell while you're hot?
Kurt (taking sarcasm seriously)
I love it. Smart.
(Kurt rings the doorbell, which rings 7 notes from Badfinger's "No Matter What"; Dale and Nick run and take cover)
Oh, shit! Are you kidding?!
Kurt You know, it's pretty dark in there. I don't think anybody's here.
(rings doorbell a second time)
Don't...don't hit it again!
Kurt You hear that?
Kurt Huh? What is that?
Kurt It's a song, right? Is it... (singing) No matter what you do...
DA Dale and Kurt
(singing)
I will always be with you...
Kurt Badfinger.
DA Dale and Kurt
(singing)
Doesn't matter what you do girl...
DA Dale and Kurt
(singing, ignoring Nick)
Ooh, girl with you...
DA Dale and Kurt
(singing loudly, still ignoring Nick)
Knock on this old gray wall!
(whispering loudly)
Shut the **** up!!
Kurt (after waking up out of Rex's closet, only to find him gone)
Will you look at this **** view during the daytime? You kidding me? Unbelievable!
He seems gone. Bed's made.
Kurt I can't believe this.
We should maybe just check (yelling) HEY! REX!
Did you have a plan if he responded?
I didn't think that far ahead.
Kurt I would have been just quieter.
You're even dumber in the mornings.
Kurt (the following is seen in the extended version only)
What are you worried about?
Fifty-fifty chance, you know. Fifty-fifty chance he was here.
(Nick is attempting to call Bert on a dark phone that Kurt seemingly left on the bench for him to await instructions, however a cell phone rings in Kurt's pocket, he gets it out)
Hey, what's that? Who's calling you?
Kurt I don't know. It's blocked.
(realizes Kurt has the dark phone)
Oh, no.
Kurt (answers phone)
Hello.
Kurt (does not know that it is Nick)
Who is this?
It's me, dickless! (angrily slams phone to the ground)
Kurt Hey, what are you doing? You're supposed to call the dark phone.
I did! You've got it in your hand. You were supposed to tape that under the bench.
Kurt (after finding out that Kurt left Bert his own phone instead of the dark phone on the bench)
Oh...
Oh, shit! So, what phone does he have?!
Bert has Kurt's phone, with our contact information on it.
(starts to hit Kurt)
And all the pictures of us from when we used to be friends? Are you kidding me?!
Kurt Easy, easy, easy. Knock it off! Okay, look, this is no big deal, all right? We'll just punt. We'll do it tomorrow. All right? I mean, as long as we don't call the phone, he'll never find it.
Kurt What? How? We are screwed. Shit!
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! I got an idea. I got an idea.
(theatrical version)
Okay, call your phone. If he's talking on it, he's not gonna look through it and see all the contacts.
Kurt That's a great idea. Great idea. Here we go. Here we go. Okay. All right. Ahem.
(extended version)
Okay, I'm gonna call that phone. If he's talking on it, he's not gonna look through it.
Kurt Yes! Call my phone! Call my number. Good.
All right. All right. What's your number? What's your number?
Kurt You don't know my phone number?!
I don't know my phone number.
Kurt Well, I don't know it. I never call myself.
I know both of your numbers. Area code 323...
Kurt That's all I need. That's all I need.
He just has to do that. Uh, 69 and...
Kurt I got there. I got there. Here we go. Here we go. Okay. All right. Ahem.
Guys, I'm not gonna kidnap someone based on 9 to 5.
Dean 'MF' Jones: That's because you're Jane Fonda.
Kurt Ooh, snap.
That's right, you're the scaredy-cat one. You're always the last to man up about everything. You're dragging your feet.
(the following is seen in the extended version only)
What--why are you here if you're not gonna participate?
First of all, if anyone, I'm the smart one. I'm Lily Tomlin. But I'm not having this conversation
Kurt Honky, please, I'm Lily **** Tomlin, if anybody is. Sitting in the big chair, giving David O. Russell shit.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, he's got the 'tude. He's got the 'tude. You're Fonda, man.
Kurt You're Jane Fonda. That makes you Jane Fonda.
(to Dale)
That makes you Dolly Parton.
Kurt Ooh.
Great. Woman's got her own theme park. She's a national treasure.
Kurt She has two national treasures.
(end of extended version) Dean 'MF' Jones: Can I pose a question to you colonizers?
Happened a long time ago.
Dean 'MF' Jones: How do you kidnap somebody without them knowing they've been kidnapped?
Are you guys shitting me in there?
Well, I mean, his dad sold him out for, like...honestly, it was probably nothing to him.
Kurt Pennies to him.
Kurt That would rock me to my core. I mean, have a little empathy, Nick. Please?
(the following is seen in the extended version only)
You know what's going on? You're holding a grudge right now.
Kurt Yes, you do. You're a grudge holder. You do.
(simultaneously)
Yes, you do that. You get all tight, and then you're going to get cancer doing that.
Kurt You got to let the past be the past.
Let the past be the past.
Kurt Just let it...let it roll off you.
(simultaneously)
Yeah. The past? We're not in the **** past. We're in the goddamn present. And you guys are...
(end of extended version)
What are you talking about? You're acting like you have Stockholm Syndrome.
Kurt Like, jet lag?
Dude, do I look tired to you?
Kurt You don't look tired to me.
Stockholm Syndrome's when you bond with your captors, idiots.
Kurt Oh, okay. Well then, hold on a second. He's the hostage. So, technically, this would be reverse Stockholm Syndrome.
Yeah, and we don't have that. Okay? He's just a really, really, really, really, really likable guy. I like him a lot.
Kurt He's really likable.
He's cool. The guy's a winner.
Kurt That's so true.
It's so nice to be around a winner for a change.
Kurt Oh, it feels right Nick! Come on, man.
Here's what we're gonna do, we're gonna go in there. We're gonna tell him cops were never a part of this plan, and the shit ends now. Let's do it.
(theatrical version)
Come on!
Kurt (extended version)
Okay. But you got to hear us out about festering.
I mean, it's like you can't have a conversation with the guy.
(while waiting for the train to pass by)
Hey can I hop out and piss really quick?
No you cannot. We're in a car chase.
Super long train. I feel like I could get it done.
Kurt It is a lot of freight.
(later while they are still waiting for the train to pass by)
I feel like I could've pissed by now.
Let him go. Open the door. Get him out.
Dean 'MF' Jones: Caboose coming.
Ah, shit!
(car chase resumes)
(in the extended version, while Dale and Kurt are hiding in the men's bathroom during Julia's sex addiction group in session)
Oh, ****, I have to piss.
Kurt What?
I have to piss. I'm nervous. I have to piss. I'm sorry.
Kurt Shh! Go, go, pee, just pee.
It's gonna make too much noise.
Kurt No, no, no. Put your--put your--just dip your dick into--into the toilet.
Oh, sit down and do it? Okay.
Kurt Yeah, yeah.
(unzips his zipper but notices...)
It doesn't reach.
Kurt What?
It doesn't reach. Should it reach?
Kurt I mean...I don't know if it's about "should", but...
Kurt Put the--yeah, put the seat up and just dip your butt in the bowl.
(while urinating)
Oh, my god. (flushes toilet) Oh, there we go.
Kurt Shh! Shh!
Kurt Shh! It's okay.
Kurt It's all right.
Okay. I'm just gonna wash my hands really quick.
Kurt No! What are you gonna wash your hands for?
Kurt Why are you gonna wash your hands?
Kurt You have gloves on.
I know, but probably, you know some stuff gets under there.
Kurt Fine, fine, just be quiet.
Let me just wash them really quick. I'll feel better about them.
Kurt Okay, okay.
Kurt (Dale starts washing his hands)
Shh! Shh!
Kurt (Dale starts getting paper towels from the dispenser, causing loud rustling)
Oh, my God, Dale, stop it.
Kurt There is--there is literally no element of sneak in anything you're doing.
Kurt Oh, I gotta go now too.
Kurt Yeah.
(Kurt starts urinating, then whistles as he does so)
Do you golf with the other hand? Shh! Don't whistle!
Kurt I have to. The only way to get this train going. (continues whistling)
(Kurt flushes the toilet)
Why did you flush?!
Kurt It just happens!
Kurt It's a good habit!
Shit! Shh! Shh!
(Kurt repeats everything Dale did, then opens the trash bin next to him)
