Carol
All right, if by some miracle you can close Walter Davis and his 14 million dollar account, your jobs are safe.
Clay
Done! And you're going to look so stupid!
Carol
Then we'll finally have something in common!
Clay
Goddammit, she's so mean!
Carol
Get me on any goddamn plane, all right? I have enough miles to orbit the sun.
I'm sorry, ma'am. All flights are grounded until the snow clears. There's nothing more I can do.
Carol
Well, refer me to someone who can do something!
That would be God, ma'am.
Carol
Oh. Her.
Mummy! I mean, Allison. Don't leave.
Save that shit for the fourth date like a normal person!
Mary just **** cited me! Okay? I thought this was a party. If I want to dick tap Alan, I'm gonna dick tap Alan. That's a timeless gag! Never not funny!
Josh
Okay, off you go.
She is like a poisonous **** cloud of shit gas, like, just seeping into everybody's good time. Every word she says makes my **** hemorrhoids throb! I want that on the record!
Josh
It is.
He's in customer service?
Josh
Yeah. He's much better on the phone.
Josh
Mary, why do you even have a minivan? You don't have kids.
Mary
I buy in bulk!
Josh Parker
Can this thing handle snow?
Mary
Oh, please. It's a Kia. It's what God would drive.
So, Carol. You know, that's my grandmother's name.
Carol
Mmm. No, I did not know that.
Yeah.
Carol
Oh.
It's kind of an old-timey name. Don't really hear "Carol" much anymore. It's like... [imitates an old woman] "Hi, I'm Carol. I gotta get home before I miss my stories." "Hi, I'm Carol. I heard about Pearl Harbor on the radio." "Hi, I'm Carol. I died in the beginning of 'Up'."
Mary
Because I don't know what's gonna happen in there. Last year, I filed a sexual harassment complaint against myself.
Josh
Against yourself. Mmm-hmm.
Mary
Andrew, in the copy room, he was changing the toner. And I pretended to drop something on the ground so that I could bend over and graze his butt with my nose. And I did.
Josh
That doesn't seem that bad.
Mary
And then I said, "If you don't **** me, buster, I will ruin you."
Josh Parker
Hmm. That's harassment.
Mary
Hey, guys, I got doughnuts! I got, uh, jelly and glazed and, uh, some other stuff. But no Cronuts, that's a bastard pastry.
I still hate your rules. But your dancing is wild and free. Like an unmanned fire hose.
Mary
Put your pants on. [turns/walks away] For now.
Nate
Allison, are you okay?
No! I'm not okay. My ex-husband is dating a stripper, Drew is cyberstalking me, and Fred from accounting is like a human **** AMBER Alert. Don't I deserve to date someone who is nice?
Nate
Of course you do. Allison, you're an amazing person. You basically take care of this whole office. And you do it every day, even though most people don't seem to notice. So, yeah, you deserve someone nice.
Nate
Okay, I'm gonna need both of you assclowns to hack into Clay's phone so we can find him.
Come on, why would we help you, dude? Seriously?
Yeah, why would we help you?
Nate
Because I'm your **** boss, and I'm telling you to.
He can't touch him!
Mary
I'll allow it.
Nate, what's up, man? Did you see? Significant others are welcome at the party.
Look at that. Looks like we're finally gonna meet Becca.
Nate
Yeah. Um, oh, shoot. Uh, except she's working late tonight. Modelling.
Is she shooting the cover... of "Full of Shit" magazine?
Josh Parker
You do not want to die at the hands of Lululemon here. It'd be real embarrassing. You're a large guy, and she's made of nothing but salad and Smartwater.
Clay Vanstone
Hey, God. I know I haven't asked for a lot in this life. Granted, I was born rich... and white... and a man... and straight. Well, except for that one time in Vegas, but that was Vegas.
Clay Vanstone
I gotta tell you, I was always like, "Tracey, this doesn't make any sense," and she was like, "Words, words, words and some numbers." But she did it.
Clay Vanstone
Vin Diesel ain't got shit on me!