Crank: High Voltage (2009) quotes

View Quote Chev Chelios: Alright, Chow Mein. Who do you work for?!
Shot Gun Triad: **** you, Chelios! [Chev whacks him with the butt of the shotgun]
Chev Chelios: **** grunt! [Dips shotgun barrel in oil, pulls down the thug's pants, makes a face like; I-can't-believe-I'm-going-to-enjoy-doing-this and then brutally rams the shotgun up his anus] You found me in quite an unpleasant mood this morning, mate. Now I'm going to ask you this question one time. Who's got my **** strawberry tart?! [Thug looks at him confused and Chev points to his heart while an on-screen subtitle says "strawberry tart=heart"] Capische?! [The thug starts stuttering] J- j- j- j- just spit the **** name out! [Starts further ramming the shotgun in the thug's ass and starts wiggling it]
Shot Gun Triad: Johnny Vang!
Chev Chelios: Johnny **** Vang?! JOHNNY **** VANG?! Good boy! Where?!
Shot Gun Triad: Cypress Social Club!
Chev Chelios: Cypress-Cypress Social Club? Now you're sure about that, ain't ya?! [Thug nods head]
Chev Chelios: Good boy! Thanks for coming! Now you can keep that! [Leaves the shotgun up the thug's ass and walks away]

View Quote Chev Chelios: **** useless!
Venus: Yeah? Well, you ain't no Ralph Macchio yourself, Chev!

View Quote Chev Chelios: I got to get a hold... I've got to call Doc. I need a cell phone.
Pepper: Why didn't you just say it? I have a cell phone. Here.
Chev Chelios: You got a cell phone. I got you. Okay?
Doc Miles: You've got to work for the things that... Chevy?
Chev Chelios: I lost the belt battery, Doc.
Doc Miles: How long ago?
Chev Chelios: Over an hour
Doc Miles: Jesus Christ, that's not ****in' possible, Chevy. You should be dea... ****, never mind. Look... it's a wireless system, so any kind of low-level electrical shock to your skin should juice it. At least temporarily. Hey, Chev I'm a certified heart surgeon. Well, I... I was. I lost my license after I **** up my ex-wife's vaginal rejuvenation procedure in our basement. That's irrelevant right now. The point is if you can get hold of your heart, I'm reasonably sure I can put it back in for you.
Chev Chelios: Okay, Doc. I'll be in touch when I find that Chinese **** that's got me pump. That you even had to choose between Phyllis and me. Chinese?
Doc Miles: Sharon, I just shut down, okay? I couldn't think. I couldn't feel. Hey, Chocolate would you get off your fat ass and get dressed?
Chocolate: Why?
Doc Miles: Do you have any idea... how silly Is Doc Miles gonna have to choke a bitch? Do you know that I was waiting for those results, too? I needed to put things in perspective.
Chev Chelios: Oh, you needed? I see, you needed. I think I know who we're dealing with. That's how you do things now.
[Chev pulls up to a riot of pornstars picketing on strike]
Pornstar chant: "Hell, no, we won't blow!"
Chev Chelios: For ****'s sake move! Jesus. Shit! What the ****! Shit!
Pornstars: That's right! You're gonna pay me by the inch, bitch! You make a living! We want to make a living! You carry a weapon! We carry weapons... in our pants. Sick and tired of this! Pay me my ****in' wages, mother ****ers! Droppin' loads on all of your silly wages! They need their money. What, do you want me to **** this car? What, do you want me to **** this car? [Pornstar actress is on windshield] Suck my ****in' tits!
Chev Chelios: Get off the car!
Pornstar: I'm gonna bang that bitch in the back!
Eve: Hi.
Pornstars: We're just sick and tired of this! Just because it's porn doesn't mean we all want to do it! We like to get paid for it!
[Police cruisers pull up]
Police officer: This is a weird scene. We've got pissed-off beaver everywhere. [Chev takes off] We're on pursuit.
[Chev jumps on a staircase railing to slide down in spirit of local skateboarders but slips, falling on crotch]
Camcorder guy: Whoa! "Oh!"
Chev Chelios: ****!
...
[Two men are using a shock collar to train a dog in the park]
Dog guy 1: Sit! Good... I'm just makin' sure. Whatever. Dude, he's totally doing what he's supposed to.
Dog guy 2: Well, he's got to know who's in charge.
Dog guy 1: Dude! Come on!
Dog guy 2: He's gonna eat somebody's baby and you're gonna be in... No, dude, chill. Uh, you're gonna get sued.
Dog guy 1: He's totally doing what he's supposed. to be doing. Come on.
Dog guy 2: Whatever. I wanted a cat.
Dog guy 1: ****!
Dog guy 2: See? Way better than a cat, man.
Dog guy 1: Whatever.
Chev Chelios: [Walks up to the them] Who's this ****in' asshole? You pair of sausage-Nigels. How do you sleep at night?
Dog guy 1: Who is this guy?
Chev Chelios: I'm from PETA. This is animal cruelty, you ****ers. Hello, there.
Dog guy 1: Hey, give that back, you liberal freak.
Chev Chelios: Yeah-Yeah-Yeah-Yeah.
Dog guy 1: Um... Dude.
Chev Chelios: ****in' shame on you two.
Dog guy 1: That's two hundred and fifty dollars. I tell you.
Chev Chelios: You pair of ****s. Press the **** button.
Dog guy 1: Well, take it back. Hit him.
Chev Chelios: [Dog guy 2 presses shock button] Not so bad.
Dog guy 1: Disgusting.
Chev Chelios: Morning. Mom would be so proud. Sorry about that. Give me that thing.
Dog guy 1: No.
Dog guy 1: Yeah, there you go. Go on.
Chev Chelios: Ruff, ruff, ruff ruff, ruff ruff! If you don't press that ****in' button, you're goin' in the pond.
Dog guy 2: I'm pressing it. Press it!
Chev Chelios: Come on, what's the matter? ****in' wake up! [Slaps Dog guy 1] Make him press the button you...
Dog guy 1: Give him the ****in'...
Chev Chelios: What are you, ****in' useless?!
Dog guy 2: Hey! No problem.
Police officer: Stop right there! Stop!
Chev Chelios: Oh, shit. [Gives chases]
Dog guy 2: Oh. See, that's what I told you.
Police officer: [Dog attacks officer biting at crotch] My ****in' nuts! Get him off!
Dog guy 2: It's all right! Will our insurance cover that?!
Police officer: Stop it! Freeze! Get down! Get down! Turn around! Get down! What the **** is that around your neck?! Get down on the ground! Show me your...
[Venus pulls up on a moped]
Chev Chelios: Are you ****in' kidding me?! Kaylo?!
Venus: Get on!
Police officer: Both of you down on the ground now!
Venus: Get down! Get down!
Police officer: Get off that ****in' moped!
Chev Chelios: Kaylo, I thought you were dead.
Venus: My name's Venus. I'm from Hollywood. Kaylo was my brother.
Chev Chelios: Brother? No shit. Hey, what the **** did you hit me for, anyway?
Venus: I have a condition. FBT, Full Body Tourette's. I can't control myself.
Chev Chelios: Jesus! ****! What the ****? Hey, listen, I'm sorry about your brother, but I need to get to the Hollywood Park racetrack. And I mean right the **** now. What's the matter, are you hurlin' or something?
Venus: Is that where they're at?
Chev Chelios: Who?
Venus: The ill suckers that killed my brother. You're Chev "The Cheese" Chelios, right? The sickest, most wickedest mother****er that ever vaporized a mother****er in cold blood, right?
Chev Chelios: Yeah. That's me.
Venus: Yeah. So we're gonna get those suckers...
Chev Chelios: Get a grip on yourself. It's already done.
Venus: Huh?
Chev Chelios: It's done. I already took care of the ones that did Kaylo.
Venus: But... All of them?
Chev Chelios: All of them. D-E-A-D. Brown bread.
Venus: Right Said Fred?
Chev Chelios: Simply Red.
Venus: I see.
Chev Chelios: Well, don't look so gloomy, Elvis. I can assure you they did not die pleasantly.
Venus: No... you don't understand. It's a matter of honor. It should have been me to avenge my brother's death. Well... so long, Chelios.
Chev Chelios: My brain hurts. There is one I never got to on account of I could never find him. The one that calls himself "The Ferret."
Venus: El Huron?
Chev Chelios: You know him?
Venus: No. It means "The Ferret" in Spanish.
Chev Chelios: Right. Yeah, I knew that. Listen, you want to find the dude that made your brother dead, you find him.

View Quote Chev Chelios: [After being told by Doc Miles about finding someone to rub against, he starts rubbing a spectator's arm and the spectator pushes him off] Terrific race. [Points to the horse he picked] That's a great horse, mate. [Continues rubbing his arm]
Hollywood Park Guy: What the ****, man? What the ****?
Chev Chelios: You did it! Mate, that was all you.

View Quote Chev Chelios: [Holding Ricky's head] Why do we keep going on like this, Ricky? Hurting each other?
Ricky Verona: [Weakly] Water...
Chev Chelios: H20? Coming right up! [Kicks Ricky's head into the nearby pool]

View Quote Chico: [Chico's cohorts throws Chelios unconscious body into vehicle trunk] **** you, Chelios!

View Quote Chinese Doctor 1: [After Johnny flicks cigarette ash into Chev's open chest] Get your cigarette out of here asshole! We're operating!
Johnny Vang: So sorry.
Chinese Doctor 1: **** your mother! I let boss know you shit in Superman's stomach. Dumb ass!
Johnny Vang: I said I was sorry. [He laughs and then spits into Chev's chest, with the doctor flying into a rage slamming the instrument tray against Johnny]

View Quote Chinese Doctor 1: [Conversing in either Mandarin/Cantonese] How long can we keep him alive?
Chinese Doctor 2: Maybe long time. He die hard with a vengeance.
Chinese Doctor 1: Big Boss need to harvest his cornucopia of organs for later. Lungs, pancreas, bladder...
Chinese Doctor 2: What comes out next?
Chinese Doctor 1: Boss gave specific order. [Doctor points to a diagram and circles the reproductive organ with Chev fully aware of the intentions]
Nurse: [Lifts up medical blanket] Oh, you big **** English. Strong like horse.
Chev Chelios: **** that. [He proceeds to brutally assault the two doctors before escaping]

View Quote Doc Miles: [Answers phone] Hello, Doc Miles.
Chev Chelios: Yeah, Doc. It's Chev.
Doc Miles: [Doc Miles spews his drink and ice shaking his head rapidly] Jesus H. Chelios! You've gotta be kidding me!
Chev Chelios: Listen, I'm deadly ****in' serious, Doc. These Triad mother****ers cut out my ****in' heart and put in one of those plastic artificial jobs.
Doc Miles: You got an artificial heart?
Chev Chelios: Do you think I'm having a ****in' laugh?!
Doc Miles: No-No-No, but you got to admit, it's a little out there, dude.
Chev Chelios: Yeah, you take your ****in' time, Doc.
Doc Miles: You don't have any time, if you've got an artificial heart. They're not designed to keep you alive more than a couple days while you're waitin' on a transplant. And don't do anything strenuous.
Chev Chelios: Yeah, sure, Doc. No problem. So what's my next ****in' move?
Doc Miles: Well, we got to get a real heart put back in you preferably your own.
Chev Chelios: I'm on it.
Doc Miles: Okay, you're on it.
Chev Chelios: Doc! Jesus **** Christ!
Doc Miles: I'm-I'm sorry. Sorry. Does-Does-- Let me-- Does that thing have a a-a-a a belt battery pack?
Chev Chelios: Check.
Doc Miles: How many bars are showing?
Chev Chelios: One.
Doc Miles: Shit. That's better than none, I guess. Look, what they did you with is an Avicor Total Artificial Heart. It's got an internal battery that'll pick up once the belt battery dies. It's like a reserve tank. Once the internal battery takes over, you got one ****in' hour. The internal battery charges wirelessly through its transcutaneous energy transfer system. Two coils, there's one internal, one external that transmit the, uh, magnetic force across the skin without piercing the surface. The internal coil receives power and sends it to the controller device. Is this makin' any ****in' sense to you, Chevy?
Chev Chelios: It's **** Greek, Doc.
Doc Miles: Greek. Look, you got to keep your body electrically charged to keep that piece of shit pumpin'.
Chev Chelios: Copy that.
Doc Miles: Hey, Chev.
Chev Chelios: Yeah.
Doc Miles: I'm stoked you're alive, dude.
Chev Chelios: I'll get back to you, Doc.
Doc Miles: Yeah, well, y- Call me.
Chev Chelios: ****!
Cholo: Hey-Hey-Hey! That's a nice car.
Chev Chelios: I don't suppose you know where the Cypress Social Club is, do you?
Cholo: Man, **** that shit, puto. Let's race, ese.
Chev Chelios: Don't you tempt me, ****er. What I need from you is directions. Oh, shit. Shit! [Chev rams a concret barrier and goes flying through windshield]
Cholo: Damn, dog. You good, esé?
Chev Chelios: Tiger **** Woods. Never better. Greatest day of my **** life. You gents couldnt point me in the direction of the Cypress Social Club, could ya?
Cholo: Well, you ain't too far. You go down Orange for, like, two miles and then you're there, homes.
Chev Chelios: Cool. You mind givin' me a jump? Just juice me. [Clamps jump cables to his nipples]

View Quote Don Kim: Get in. Chev Chelios.
Chev: Don mother**** Kim. So you pull my lily-white ass out of the hot grease again.
Don Kim: Please, don't thank me.
Chev: I don't think I shall. I'm not sure if you're aware of this, Jeeves... but your slant-eyed associates have taken something... of extreme value to me. And I intend to get it back.
Don Kim: You know what you are, Chev Chelios?
Chev: Tell me.
Don Kim: You... are a shit magnet. [Venus starts experiencing an episode of FBT and is expelled from the vehicle] Your friend has the gay condition. [Laughs] And now, where were we?
Chev: You were about to tell me exactly who's got what I need and why.
Don Kim: You may have heard of the name Poon Dong.
Chev: Only in dirty limericks.
Don Kim: The patriarch of our organization. Said to be 100 years old. Considered to be more god than man by the Triad gangs. But several months ago, word had spread out... that Poon Dong had taken gravely ill. And without a heart transplant, he only had a few days left to live.
Chev: I see.
Don Kim: Of course, that was unacceptable. Many would have given their hearts... from their own breasts to save the life of Poon Dong. But not me. **** that. But many. Then word spread out that there was a man... who had a heart so powerful that he was capable... of surviving even our most deadliest of poisons.
Chev: The Chinese shit.
Don Kim: It was your heart that Poon Dong chose to replace his own.
Chev: One more question. Who the **** is El Hurón, The Ferret? And how is he involved with all this?
Don Kim: The Ferret? Let's just say our organizations have a history of conflicting interests.
Chev: I see. Well, it's mighty white of you to help me out like this. Now, if you don't mind.
Don Kim: Who said I was helping you out? My reward for returning you to Poon Dong will be great.
Chev: So this is how it is.
Don Kim: This is how it is. [Chev grabs the uzi from a henchman and massacres all the men in the limo]
Chev: [The limo is about to crash into a pole] Chicken and broccoli. [Chev gets out and uses gun to break open an electrical transformer box and deliberately electrocutes himself]
Keith Jardine: Dude, are you all right?
Chev: Never better. [Runs away]

View Quote El Huron: Hola, Chev.
Chev Chelios: I take it you're the greasy ****er that's been huntin' me all day.
El Huron: The Ferret. Some people know me by this **** name. And many men have died cursing the name of El Huron... as they choked on their own blood and the blood of their families.
Chev Chelios: Colorful geezer.
El Huron: I was born with another name... the name of my father.
Chev Chelios: Yeah-Yeah-Yeah-Yeah-Yeah, ****in' hell.
El Huron: And my father's father's.
Chev Chelios: We're all very sad.
El Huron: And the name... that I share... with my two brothers... Alejandro... and Ricardo.
Chev Chelios: Verona.
El Huron: Well, l-I can tell... by the tick-tick-tick... that you had no idea... that there was a third brother.
Chev Chelios: Nope. That fact escaped me... or I assure you, Elvis, I would have made it a **** hat trick.
El Huron: I got a trick-or-treat for you cabrőn. I'm gonna make you wish... that you was never a man.
Chev Chelios: If you want to kill what's left of me, you get on with it.
El Huron: What's the rush, Chelios? I know someone who's going to love to watch this. [Unveils an incubation tank that is the life support of Ricky's head]
...
Doc Miles: You. You got the donor?
Chocolate: Like you got a boner.
Poon Dong: Hey, baby. You always say y-you want to be more spontaneous.
Chocolate: Uh-uh, cowboy.
Poon Dong: Huh?
Chocolate: We gonna go back to my place.
Poon Dong: Ooh. Yeah. That sounds good.
...
El Huron: Ricardo never wanted my money Chelios. He was, uh, too stubborn. He wanted to make his own way. But now I think he likes what my money can buy. The technology to keep his brain alive. Not forever but long enough to watch you die.
Orlando: Yo, Ferret, this ain't Roots, man. [Orlando's posse has arrived and are all pointing their guns]
El Huron: Que?
Venus: Hey, cabrõn. [Venus's posse has arrived along with Ria's posse and are all pointing their guns]
El Huron: You got to be **** kidding me.
Venus: You killed my brother, mother****er. Prepare to die.
El Huron: No! **** you, Chelios! Ronnie James Dio! Chucha madre!
...
Chocolate: This way, sugar.
Doc Miles: [Holds up surgical instruments] Confucius say... karma's a bitch.
Poon Dong: Uh-oh.
...
Chev Chelios: Hello, Ricky. Why do we go on like this, Ricky? Hurting each other? Water? Did you say, "Water"? H-two-O coming right up. [Kicks Ricky's head into the pool] Mother****er!
Ricky: [Drowning in pool] Chev Cherios! Che... Chev Cherios. Chev. Chev. Che... Che... Che...
...
[Doc Miles is operating on Chev Chelios]
Doc Miles: I'm cuttin' the battery. The battery's out. Paddles. Give me the paddles.
Eve: What's going on?!
Doc Miles: Chevy. Clear! ****! Shit! [Chev's electrocardiogram flatlines]
Eve: No! God! [Eve is lead away by Doc Miles and after a moment, Chev's eyes burst open]
...
[Ending credits bloopers]
Pornstar: Droppin' loads all over your silly wages! You think these muscles are free? You think this ****'s for free? No way! No scabs, no crabs! No scabs, no crabs! I'm gonna bang that bitch in the back! I'm gonna bang your prisoner! Droppin' loads all over your prisoner!
...
Jason Statham: I take it you're the **** that's been hunting me all day.
Production staff: No- No- No- No. No.
Jason Statham: I take it day. The ****. The ****. Oh, sorry, the Ferret.
...
Pornstar: No dough, no blow! No dough, no blow! Dicks like this don't come for free! Huh. Lips like this don't come for free. That's what I meant to say. I got lost. I meant, "Lips like this don't come for free."

View Quote EMT: [Chev breaks into an ambulance] This is an ambulance, you ****head! Keep hydrating those organs! Hold it in! Jesus. What are you doing? :EMT:This is an ambulance!
Chev: Right, mother****er. I'm aware of that. I'm in need of emergency services.
EMT Yeah, we have got a guy in the back of the ambulance! Get him out of here, man.
Chev: That's one of Don Kim's blokes.
EMT: This man is in critical condition. Get out of here.
Chev: I'm aware of that. I'm the ****er that put him there. [Pulls out gun and points it at EMT's head]
EMT: Now... Okay, he's got a gun!
Chev: You're my physician. Okay. I'm in need of an external lithium battery belt for an Avicor Total Artificial Heart. Might you have such a thing? :EMT:We're gonna lose it, Bronc. Please, look, this guy is **** dying.
Chev: Don't worry about him. He's not gonna make it. Now, about my battery.
EMT: Yeah, you said the Avicor TAH. Yeah, we got it. But why? Holy shit.
Chev: Chop, chop. Okay.
EMT He's **** dead, man. Do you mind?
Chev: You ready for this shit? Do it then. Turn the **** thing on. Feels like crack. Yeah, but better.
EMT You know, those things aren't designed for strenuous activity.
Chev: Tell me about it.

View Quote Eve: Why didn't you call me?
Chev Chelios: Like **** I didn't. Didn't you get my message? [Scene of answering machine playing distorted blowing wind as Chev was free falling from helicopter]
Eve: No! Where have you been for the last three months? I thought you were dead.
Chev Chelios: I fell a mile out of a helicopter. It's a long story.
Eve: No way! You know what? That's totally possible. I saw this video on YouTube where this guy's parachute doesn't open and he falls like fourteen thousand feet and he lives.
Chev Chelios: Yes baby, I know it's possible because I ****in' did it!
Eve: [Refusing Pepper's lesbian advances] Quit it.
Chev Chelios: Since when were you on the Internet?
Eve: You know, a lot of things have changed since you died.
Chev Chelios: I didn't ****in' die.
Eve: Well, that's besides the point, isn't it? [To Pepper] Get off!
Pepper: Ooh!
Eve: Where are we going, Chev?
Chev Chelios: I don't know. I need to find that slant from the club, the one with the red cooler.
Pepper: Are you talking about Johnny Vang?
Chev Chelios: Do you know Johnny Vang?
Pepper: I know his ass. He's got that box with him all the time.
Chev Chelios: That box. I need it.
Pepper: I can bet on my grandma's coochie he's at the horse track.
Eve: Dude, you gonna put Johnny Vang on ice?
Pepper: Maybe.
Eve: That's so ****in' sexy.
Pepper: ****in' dead.
Eve: [To Pepper] Didn't they cuff you?
Pepper: Damn it. Do me. I'll do you.
Eve: Bitch.

View Quote Fish: Fish Halman here, bringing you breaking on-the-scenes coverage of an explosion of mayhem, and lewd behavior that has swept the Long Beach area. Our viewers may remember a similar series of incidents which took place three months back involving this unidentified man. Police are now confirming that today's events are the work of that very same psychotic deviant. Ted Garcia is standing by in Hollywood Park with a live report. Take it away, Ted.
Ted: Thanks, Fish. I'm standing here with a group of people. Families, seniors, and degenerate gamblers that are shocked and traumatized by what they've witnessed here today when what started as a sunny, Southern California afternoon at the races turned, without warning, into a public, open-air porno.
Fish: Did you say porno, Ted?
Ted: Straight up, Fish. I'd like you to meet Glenda Lansing of Hawaiian Gardens. Glenda says she had an all-too up-close-and-personal encounter with the suspect just moments before the shocking incident occurred.
Glenda: That bastard had his filthy hands all over me.
Ted: Can you describe exactly what happened?
Glenda: I never saw a bastard who wanted it so bad. He put his filthy hands on every part of me.
Ted: Okay, that's a little too much information for this broadcast. Can you describe the man that assaulted you?
Glenda: He looked like that fella from the movies. The T-Bag.
Ted: T- Bag?
Glenda: You know, the Trainspotted fella? Built like a brick shit house.
Ted: All right, ma'am. You know that kind of language is not gonna fly on TV.
Glenda: That son of a bitch. He treated me like his hot little whore.

View Quote Long Beach Nose Punch Triad: [Taps on Chev's shoulder pointing a two tone Springfield XD pistol at Chev] You Lost?
Chev Chelios: Nope. [Parries the gun out of the gunman's hand and slams his forearm in his face knocking him out]