Eve quotes from Crank: High Voltage (2009)

View Quote [Chev has arrived at a strip club and Eve comes out dancing]
Chev Chelios: Eve? Eve. Here, baby. Eve! [Takes her hand]
Eve: Chev.
Randy: Hey. I need you to take your ****in' hands off Lemon now, man.
Chev Chelios: Who the **** are you?
Randy: Who the **** am I? Who the **** are you? Do you know this guy, Lemon?
Chev Chelios: Lemon?
Eve: You were dead. Uh... I'm...uh, I'm so confused right now. What's that ticking sound?
Randy: Yeah, what is that sound? You're kinda weird, tick-man. It's time for you to go!
Chev Chelios: Randy? Randy? Come here.
Eve: [Ria attacks her out of jealousy] ****!
Chev Chelios: Not you. Babe, it's not--
Eve: Who the **** is that?
Chev Chelios: Ah, some whore. ****, no. That was a mistake. Oh, ****. Look she's helpin' me find my heart.
Eve: Yeah. What?!
Chev Chelios: Go away! Come on, let's go. What? Oh, you dozy ****.
Chico: [To posse] No. We need his ass alive. [To Chev] Chev Chelios. Let's save some bullets, dude.
Chev Chelios: I'm up for that, when we've all had a drink.
Eve: Should I duck?
Chev Chelios: Yeah. [A gun battle ensues]
...
Chev Chelios: Shall I bypass the formalities?
Thug: Of course.
Chev Chelios: Who do you work for and what the **** do they want with me?
Thug: EI Huron.
Chev Chelios: English! What's a ****in' ee-el-who-done?
Thug: It's a ferret. He wants you alive... so he can watch you die.
Chev Chelios: Oh, yeah? Why?
Thug: I don't know. Doesn't everybody?
Chev Chelios: Shut up. Ooh, you lucky bastard.

View Quote Eve: Why didn't you call me?
Chev Chelios: Like **** I didn't. Didn't you get my message? [Scene of answering machine playing distorted blowing wind as Chev was free falling from helicopter]
Eve: No! Where have you been for the last three months? I thought you were dead.
Chev Chelios: I fell a mile out of a helicopter. It's a long story.
Eve: No way! You know what? That's totally possible. I saw this video on YouTube where this guy's parachute doesn't open and he falls like fourteen thousand feet and he lives.
Chev Chelios: Yes baby, I know it's possible because I ****in' did it!
Eve: [Refusing Pepper's lesbian advances] Quit it.
Chev Chelios: Since when were you on the Internet?
Eve: You know, a lot of things have changed since you died.
Chev Chelios: I didn't ****in' die.
Eve: Well, that's besides the point, isn't it? [To Pepper] Get off!
Pepper: Ooh!
Eve: Where are we going, Chev?
Chev Chelios: I don't know. I need to find that slant from the club, the one with the red cooler.
Pepper: Are you talking about Johnny Vang?
Chev Chelios: Do you know Johnny Vang?
Pepper: I know his ass. He's got that box with him all the time.
Chev Chelios: That box. I need it.
Pepper: I can bet on my grandma's coochie he's at the horse track.
Eve: Dude, you gonna put Johnny Vang on ice?
Pepper: Maybe.
Eve: That's so ****in' sexy.
Pepper: ****in' dead.
Eve: [To Pepper] Didn't they cuff you?
Pepper: Damn it. Do me. I'll do you.
Eve: Bitch.

View Quote Chev Chelios: I got to get a hold... I've got to call Doc. I need a cell phone.
Pepper: Why didn't you just say it? I have a cell phone. Here.
Chev Chelios: You got a cell phone. I got you. Okay?
Doc Miles: You've got to work for the things that... Chevy?
Chev Chelios: I lost the belt battery, Doc.
Doc Miles: How long ago?
Chev Chelios: Over an hour
Doc Miles: Jesus Christ, that's not ****in' possible, Chevy. You should be dea... ****, never mind. Look... it's a wireless system, so any kind of low-level electrical shock to your skin should juice it. At least temporarily. Hey, Chev I'm a certified heart surgeon. Well, I... I was. I lost my license after I **** up my ex-wife's vaginal rejuvenation procedure in our basement. That's irrelevant right now. The point is if you can get hold of your heart, I'm reasonably sure I can put it back in for you.
Chev Chelios: Okay, Doc. I'll be in touch when I find that Chinese **** that's got me pump. That you even had to choose between Phyllis and me. Chinese?
Doc Miles: Sharon, I just shut down, okay? I couldn't think. I couldn't feel. Hey, Chocolate would you get off your fat ass and get dressed?
Chocolate: Why?
Doc Miles: Do you have any idea... how silly Is Doc Miles gonna have to choke a bitch? Do you know that I was waiting for those results, too? I needed to put things in perspective.
Chev Chelios: Oh, you needed? I see, you needed. I think I know who we're dealing with. That's how you do things now.
[Chev pulls up to a riot of pornstars picketing on strike]
Pornstar chant: "Hell, no, we won't blow!"
Chev Chelios: For ****'s sake move! Jesus. Shit! What the ****! Shit!
Pornstars: That's right! You're gonna pay me by the inch, bitch! You make a living! We want to make a living! You carry a weapon! We carry weapons... in our pants. Sick and tired of this! Pay me my ****in' wages, mother ****ers! Droppin' loads on all of your silly wages! They need their money. What, do you want me to **** this car? What, do you want me to **** this car? [Pornstar actress is on windshield] Suck my ****in' tits!
Chev Chelios: Get off the car!
Pornstar: I'm gonna bang that bitch in the back!
Eve: Hi.
Pornstars: We're just sick and tired of this! Just because it's porn doesn't mean we all want to do it! We like to get paid for it!
[Police cruisers pull up]
Police officer: This is a weird scene. We've got pissed-off beaver everywhere. [Chev takes off] We're on pursuit.
[Chev jumps on a staircase railing to slide down in spirit of local skateboarders but slips, falling on crotch]
Camcorder guy: Whoa! "Oh!"
Chev Chelios: ****!
...
[Two men are using a shock collar to train a dog in the park]
Dog guy 1: Sit! Good... I'm just makin' sure. Whatever. Dude, he's totally doing what he's supposed to.
Dog guy 2: Well, he's got to know who's in charge.
Dog guy 1: Dude! Come on!
Dog guy 2: He's gonna eat somebody's baby and you're gonna be in... No, dude, chill. Uh, you're gonna get sued.
Dog guy 1: He's totally doing what he's supposed. to be doing. Come on.
Dog guy 2: Whatever. I wanted a cat.
Dog guy 1: ****!
Dog guy 2: See? Way better than a cat, man.
Dog guy 1: Whatever.
Chev Chelios: [Walks up to the them] Who's this ****in' asshole? You pair of sausage-Nigels. How do you sleep at night?
Dog guy 1: Who is this guy?
Chev Chelios: I'm from PETA. This is animal cruelty, you ****ers. Hello, there.
Dog guy 1: Hey, give that back, you liberal freak.
Chev Chelios: Yeah-Yeah-Yeah-Yeah.
Dog guy 1: Um... Dude.
Chev Chelios: ****in' shame on you two.
Dog guy 1: That's two hundred and fifty dollars. I tell you.
Chev Chelios: You pair of ****s. Press the **** button.
Dog guy 1: Well, take it back. Hit him.
Chev Chelios: [Dog guy 2 presses shock button] Not so bad.
Dog guy 1: Disgusting.
Chev Chelios: Morning. Mom would be so proud. Sorry about that. Give me that thing.
Dog guy 1: No.
Dog guy 1: Yeah, there you go. Go on.
Chev Chelios: Ruff, ruff, ruff ruff, ruff ruff! If you don't press that ****in' button, you're goin' in the pond.
Dog guy 2: I'm pressing it. Press it!
Chev Chelios: Come on, what's the matter? ****in' wake up! [Slaps Dog guy 1] Make him press the button you...
Dog guy 1: Give him the ****in'...
Chev Chelios: What are you, ****in' useless?!
Dog guy 2: Hey! No problem.
Police officer: Stop right there! Stop!
Chev Chelios: Oh, shit. [Gives chases]
Dog guy 2: Oh. See, that's what I told you.
Police officer: [Dog attacks officer biting at crotch] My ****in' nuts! Get him off!
Dog guy 2: It's all right! Will our insurance cover that?!
Police officer: Stop it! Freeze! Get down! Get down! Turn around! Get down! What the **** is that around your neck?! Get down on the ground! Show me your...
[Venus pulls up on a moped]
Chev Chelios: Are you ****in' kidding me?! Kaylo?!
Venus: Get on!
Police officer: Both of you down on the ground now!
Venus: Get down! Get down!
Police officer: Get off that ****in' moped!
Chev Chelios: Kaylo, I thought you were dead.
Venus: My name's Venus. I'm from Hollywood. Kaylo was my brother.
Chev Chelios: Brother? No shit. Hey, what the **** did you hit me for, anyway?
Venus: I have a condition. FBT, Full Body Tourette's. I can't control myself.
Chev Chelios: Jesus! ****! What the ****? Hey, listen, I'm sorry about your brother, but I need to get to the Hollywood Park racetrack. And I mean right the **** now. What's the matter, are you hurlin' or something?
Venus: Is that where they're at?
Chev Chelios: Who?
Venus: The ill suckers that killed my brother. You're Chev "The Cheese" Chelios, right? The sickest, most wickedest mother****er that ever vaporized a mother****er in cold blood, right?
Chev Chelios: Yeah. That's me.
Venus: Yeah. So we're gonna get those suckers...
Chev Chelios: Get a grip on yourself. It's already done.
Venus: Huh?
Chev Chelios: It's done. I already took care of the ones that did Kaylo.
Venus: But... All of them?
Chev Chelios: All of them. D-E-A-D. Brown bread.
Venus: Right Said Fred?
Chev Chelios: Simply Red.
Venus: I see.
Chev Chelios: Well, don't look so gloomy, Elvis. I can assure you they did not die pleasantly.
Venus: No... you don't understand. It's a matter of honor. It should have been me to avenge my brother's death. Well... so long, Chelios.
Chev Chelios: My brain hurts. There is one I never got to on account of I could never find him. The one that calls himself "The Ferret."
Venus: El Huron?
Chev Chelios: You know him?
Venus: No. It means "The Ferret" in Spanish.
Chev Chelios: Right. Yeah, I knew that. Listen, you want to find the dude that made your brother dead, you find him.

View Quote Randy: Lemon. Hey, hey, hey!
Eve: Randy?!
Randy: Hi.
Eve: What are you doing here?
Randy: It's about the dude.
Eve: What dude?
Randy: The asshole.
Eve: What about him?
Randy: He's on every channel. The guy's a **** psycho killer, baby. Every cop in this city's looking for him, not to mention the **** beaners. [Whispers] The **** Orientals.
Eve: So?!
Randy: So?! So?! So the heat's on the street... and that dude's playing for keeps, baby.
Eve: I have no idea what the hell you just said.
Randy: Look. Lemon. Lemon, look.
Eve: What?!
Randy: I know we've all been down our dark roads in the past, okay, babe?
[Randy has flashback to an ex-girlfriend, a loud mouthed obese black woman]
Ex-girlfriend: I need my hair did, my nails did. You ain't gave me no money. Where you been at, Randy? If I ever catch you with another bitch... Well, you do got a big-ass dick for a white boy.
Randy: Anyway, look, the point is, you're my lady now, all right? I don't think it's safe for you to be out there with that, that sick ****o running wild right now.
Eve: You can say that again.
Randy: Look, look. Listen to me. Here's what I think we should do.
Eve: What, Randy?!
Randy: All right, I say we go to the fuzz. We tell them everything. We come clean.
Eve: What?!
Randy: The fuzz, all right? I mean, I'd kill this guy myself, but I got two strikes against me.
Eve: Let go of me!
Randy: Look, baby. All right? I'm trying to be cool to you, but I will drop the hammer. You want me to drop the hammer, baby? [Eve knees him in crotch and throws him onto a car windshield]
Eve: I'm in no mood today, Randy!
Randy: Lemon!

View Quote [Eve is being interrogated by police]
Detective: Some boyfriend you got there, Ms. Lydon. He lied to you for six months regarding his work? Which I guess wouldn't be such a big deal if he wasn't a hired killer. He made you a target for the South American mob... for kidnapping, torture, or worse. He sexually humiliated you in front of what... I don't know, half of Los Angeles? Twice. Twice. And then left you there to take the rap? And now you can add an arrest and a police record... to a list of wonderful things Mr. Chelios has brought to your life. Help me out here, sweetheart, okay? Because Because I'm a little bit confused. Why the **** do you continue to protect this asshole?
Eve: That's a dicky question. Besides, I don't know who you're talking about. I mean, I'd like to see you fall out of a helicopter and live.
Detective: What? [Colleague whispers to detective, then to Eve] It looks like you made bail.
Eve: Great. Can I have my stuff back? Yeah.
Detective: Yeah. Just a Just one little piece of advice. Wake the **** up and smell what's burning. [Eve leans forward and sniffs]

View Quote El Huron: Hola, Chev.
Chev Chelios: I take it you're the greasy ****er that's been huntin' me all day.
El Huron: The Ferret. Some people know me by this **** name. And many men have died cursing the name of El Huron... as they choked on their own blood and the blood of their families.
Chev Chelios: Colorful geezer.
El Huron: I was born with another name... the name of my father.
Chev Chelios: Yeah-Yeah-Yeah-Yeah-Yeah, ****in' hell.
El Huron: And my father's father's.
Chev Chelios: We're all very sad.
El Huron: And the name... that I share... with my two brothers... Alejandro... and Ricardo.
Chev Chelios: Verona.
El Huron: Well, l-I can tell... by the tick-tick-tick... that you had no idea... that there was a third brother.
Chev Chelios: Nope. That fact escaped me... or I assure you, Elvis, I would have made it a **** hat trick.
El Huron: I got a trick-or-treat for you cabrőn. I'm gonna make you wish... that you was never a man.
Chev Chelios: If you want to kill what's left of me, you get on with it.
El Huron: What's the rush, Chelios? I know someone who's going to love to watch this. [Unveils an incubation tank that is the life support of Ricky's head]
...
Doc Miles: You. You got the donor?
Chocolate: Like you got a boner.
Poon Dong: Hey, baby. You always say y-you want to be more spontaneous.
Chocolate: Uh-uh, cowboy.
Poon Dong: Huh?
Chocolate: We gonna go back to my place.
Poon Dong: Ooh. Yeah. That sounds good.
...
El Huron: Ricardo never wanted my money Chelios. He was, uh, too stubborn. He wanted to make his own way. But now I think he likes what my money can buy. The technology to keep his brain alive. Not forever but long enough to watch you die.
Orlando: Yo, Ferret, this ain't Roots, man. [Orlando's posse has arrived and are all pointing their guns]
El Huron: Que?
Venus: Hey, cabrõn. [Venus's posse has arrived along with Ria's posse and are all pointing their guns]
El Huron: You got to be **** kidding me.
Venus: You killed my brother, mother****er. Prepare to die.
El Huron: No! **** you, Chelios! Ronnie James Dio! Chucha madre!
...
Chocolate: This way, sugar.
Doc Miles: [Holds up surgical instruments] Confucius say... karma's a bitch.
Poon Dong: Uh-oh.
...
Chev Chelios: Hello, Ricky. Why do we go on like this, Ricky? Hurting each other? Water? Did you say, "Water"? H-two-O coming right up. [Kicks Ricky's head into the pool] Mother****er!
Ricky: [Drowning in pool] Chev Cherios! Che... Chev Cherios. Chev. Chev. Che... Che... Che...
...
[Doc Miles is operating on Chev Chelios]
Doc Miles: I'm cuttin' the battery. The battery's out. Paddles. Give me the paddles.
Eve: What's going on?!
Doc Miles: Chevy. Clear! ****! Shit! [Chev's electrocardiogram flatlines]
Eve: No! God! [Eve is lead away by Doc Miles and after a moment, Chev's eyes burst open]
...
[Ending credits bloopers]
Pornstar: Droppin' loads all over your silly wages! You think these muscles are free? You think this ****'s for free? No way! No scabs, no crabs! No scabs, no crabs! I'm gonna bang that bitch in the back! I'm gonna bang your prisoner! Droppin' loads all over your prisoner!
...
Jason Statham: I take it you're the **** that's been hunting me all day.
Production staff: No- No- No- No. No.
Jason Statham: I take it day. The ****. The ****. Oh, sorry, the Ferret.
...
Pornstar: No dough, no blow! No dough, no blow! Dicks like this don't come for free! Huh. Lips like this don't come for free. That's what I meant to say. I got lost. I meant, "Lips like this don't come for free."