Eve quotes from Crank (2006)

Eve

Be careful. All right. I'm gonna get some help, all right? Yeah. Hey, did you try to call?

Chev

You've been home all day?

Eve

I was sleeping in.

Chev

Sleeping in. That's great, Eve. Super great. You all rested, now? Glad to hear it. Listen, I've been fatally poisoned. A psychopath's on his way over to torture and kill you, but don't get out of bed, I'll be over in a flash. Could you fry up a waffle?

Eve

Sure, yeah. Come on over. I'll be here.

Chev

Right, you'll be there. Okay.

Eve

Bye.
...

So, let's go get the bitch!

Come on, please!

All right, all right. Jesus!

Eve

Oh my God! Is this your new look or something?

Chev

Yeah, you into it?

Eve

It's gross. Are you looking for my other boyfriend?

Chev

Yes! You haven't watched TV today, right?

Eve

No, why?

Chev

Didn't think so. Come on, we're leaving.

Eve

Don't be such a freak.

Chev

Get dressed.

Eve

Actually, can you change the clock on the microwave? I never changed it back.

Chev

What?

Eve

The microwave. Can you change the clock? The daylight savings time, I never changed it back.

Chev

The microwave?

Eve

Yes.

Chev

Listen. I bought some flowers. They got **** up on the way over.

Eve

That's sweet! You okay? You look like you're on drugs or something.

Chev

You love me, yeah?

Eve

Yes.

Chev

Then I need you to do something for me.

Eve

What? What's wrong?

Chev

I need you to put some clothes on and come with me, right now.

Eve

No.

Chev

I'll change the clock on the microwave.

Eve

Okay. All right.

Chev

Shit's wearing off.

Eve

The waffle iron's on if you want to make one.

Chev

Great.

Eve

Great. You're so stressed out. Want some pot, or something?

Chev

Yeah! Ready! [Chev deliberately burns himself on the waffle iron]

Eve

What's wrong?!

Chev

I burned my hand.

Eve

Oh, my God! Let me see it!

Chev

Don't worry about it. Hey!

Eve

What the...

Chev

I'm sorry. That was completely uncalled for. Can we just...

Eve

Fine. Parked out the back. Darn! That... thing.

Chev

What thing?

Eve

The waffle thing, I gotta turn it off. Hello? Hello?

Chev

All right, very funny.

Eve

God, I hate that. Do you want to burn the building down? Ouch!

Chev

Sorry, honey.

Eve

Nice one, Chev. Oh, there's my Tiger Balm. I swear to God, Chev. I don't know what you're on, but it isn't working for you. My hand cream! That's where you went. Chev? Can I have some help, here? Where's your car?

Chev

Actually, I took a cab.
...

Eve

This isn't gonna be... This isn't gonna be easy, as they say.

Chev

Oh, ****er.

Eve

All right, here it is.

Chev

Sorry. I told you I was a video game programmer.

Eve

Yeah?

Chev

That was a lie. Actually... I kill people. Professional hitman. I freelance for a major West Coast crime syndicate. Last night was a job like 100 others. High dollar hit, nothing special. The Triads from Hong Kong had been moving in on the local drug cartels. My target was the number one man in L.A., Don Kim.
...

Well? What are you waiting for?
...

Chev

Then, this insane idea comes in the back of my head, like a .45 slug at close range.
...

Chev

Congratulations.

Did I win something?

Chev

Your life, jackass.
...

Chev

So, sooner or later it's gonna happen, but I'm not doing it.

Eve

I see.

Chev

Instead you're gonna do something for me. You're gonna get out of town, disappear. I don't care where you go or what you do, so long as you're invisible for 48 hours. That's all I ask. Or, if you prefer, we can do it the other way. The way where I go to work, and you meet Buddha. See... I quit. I quit the business for you.

Eve

For me?

Chev

Yeah. I figure I call you that night and tell you everything. We get on a plane, leave this shit, never come back. Pretty crazy, huh?

Eve

You are so weird.
...

Eve

Are we going on a trip?

Chev

Well... I might be going on a trip, but you're not coming with me...

Chev

Please! Wait, please!

Eve

Mob hits, Chev?! Chinese poison?! Do you know how ridiculous you sound?! If you're gonna break up with me, at least you can tell me the truth! What's wrong with you?!

Chev

Wait a minute, you trust me?!

Eve

No.

Chev

Make love to me.

Eve

What?!

Chev

I think it'll help.

Eve

What? Are you kidding? Get off me!

Chev

Take your clothes off.

Eve

No! No!

Chev

You said you wanted to be more spontaneous!

Eve

You're crazy! You're an adrenaline junkie with no soul!

Chev

Save me, Eve. Save my life!

Eve

Stop it! [Punches him] I'm sorry. Oh my God, are you okay? Are you okay? [Ċhev grạbs her ạgạịṇ] No! No!

Chev

Shit!

Eve

Get off! You filthy animal! Take me right here, in front of everyone! That's it! Come on! Do it! What are you waiting for?!

Chev

Jesus! Come on! I'm trying! Shush!

Eve

Oh, God! Now you can't get it up? Come on, get it up!

Chev

I'll **** get it up!

Eve

Goddammit, Chev!

Chev

Shut up! [Starts vigorously doggy-styling Eve and pumps with fists] I'm alive! I'm alive! I'm alive, you mother****ers! Oh, my God! Wow! Oh, my God! Yes! [All the passerbys all cheer in synchronity of Chev and he answers phone] Yeah?

Eve

What are you doing?!

Chev

Yeah.

I've got Verona!

Chev

Kaylo?!

I've got Verona, man.

Chev

What? No shit? Where are you?

Don Kim's shirt factory, upstairs.

Eve

What's the matter with you?!

Chev

5th and Alameda?

Eve

Who's at 5th and Alameda?!

Chev

Don't let that ****er out of your sight! Hear me? With you in 10 minutes. You got it?!

Yeah, Chev.

Chev

Honey, I gotta go. I'll call you! [Leaves]

Eve

Oh God, what are you looking at?!

**** call me talking shit! I'm doing my job. I'm doing my shit. I'm up here chillin', doing what I do. I'm a rooftop mother- [Chev comes up behind the Carlito henchman lightly pushing him and pointing a gun at his forehead] hey, Chevy! What's up, dog? You chillin'? You good? What a coincidence!

Chev Chelio

What do you mean?

What, you waiting for a bus?

Chev Chelio

Actually, I thought a helicopter... what is this?

What?

Chev Chelio

You working for the Chinese?

The Chinese?! You crazy? I wouldn't do that to you.

Chev Chelio

I am crazy. Where's Kaylo? [Raises up both hands] Okay, ding. Time's up.

What do you mean, "ding"?! [Chev grabs the henchman] What do you mean, "ding"?! [Chev throws the henchman off the roof]

Chev Chelio

Where is that mother****er?! [Chev then goes some floors below and appears before three Carlito henchmen]

Chev.

Chev Chelio

What the **** is this?!

Chev, baby. Take it easy.

Chev Chelio

Oh, you mean like this? [Points gun at henchman who just blinks eyes and turns head slightly] Now you tell me where that little toe-rag mother****er is; Verona.

Verona's got nothing to do with this!

Chev Chelio

What?!

Don Carlos wants you off the streets.

Chev Chelio

Carlito?!

You've totally lost your shit, dog! Your all over tv, destroying property, making unauthorized hits?! You are bringing the organization a great deal of embarrassment!

Chev Chelio

Organization?! You mean Carlito ordered all of this?!

Look, don't worry about Verona, we'll take care of him, the best thing for you to do is just find some nice dark quiet place... and just die. I mean, we all gotta die some time right?

Chev Chelio

Die. Just die. What, you think I've got **** written all over my face? [Chelios points to forehead and a CGI text of **** appears on Chelios forehead] So, I'll just die. [Suddenly Eve comes up in elevator]

What the... What the... [Chev opens fire on henchman starting a gun fight and Chev gets shot trying to escape in elevator]

Eve

You got shot!

Chev

Mother... Jesus!

Chev Chelio

Eve, move!

You, asshole!

Eve

Don't talk to him like that! My boyfriend kills people!

Chev Chelio

Nice.

Eve

Oh, God! I had to see if you were telling the truth.

Eve

Jesus! ****! Are they really...

Chev Chelio

They're dead.

Eve

How do you... How can you do that?

Chev Chelio

I told you, baby. I quit.

Eve

Where are you going?! [He gets out]

Chev Chelio

Stay there, honey. [He walks into a hardware store and Eve finds him hammering nails into his leg] Jesus! ****!

Eve

Chev!

Chev Chelio

Asshole! I can't feel my leg. Shit!
...

Chev Chelio

I've been trying to call you for a half hour. Where the **** have you been?

Doc Miles

In my office. Can you make it over here?

Chev Chelio

Sure' why not?
...

Doc Miles

Chocolate' what's this **** receipt from Gold Foods Market for $254?

Snacks.
...

Eve

I hate television.
...

Chev Chelio

I owe you again, Doc.

Doc Miles

Chevy' you're my best customer.

Chev Chelio

What is this stuff?

Doc Miles

Synthetic epinephrine... diluted with some saline.

Chev Chelio

Feels sort of good.

Doc Miles

Well, I got a little meth in there' too. You're feeling the endorphins.

Chev Chelio

Wait a minute. I'm not better?

Doc Miles

No' you're not better. You're in such shit shape' it's stunning. I can't believe your heart's beating. You should be in a **** medical journal.

Chev Chelio

So, what are you going to do?

Doc Miles

The solution acts as a competing inhibitor. It's pushing the poison out of your receptors' and replacing it with a chemical. It's just a temporary fix.

Chev Chelio

Then what?

Doc Miles

Then you're ****. I can put you on life support and string this out for a few days. But you're going to go into a comma at some point. Does she know?

Doc Miles

Why don't I load you up with something, and you can go out in a beautiful dream.

Chev Chelio

A dream.

Doc Miles

Can I do that for you?

Chev Chelio

No, no, no. That's not what I want.

Doc Miles

What do you want?

Chev Chelio

One hour. I want one hour.

Doc Miles

Give me a ****in' break.
...

So, the wild rampage that began 9am in L.A. Continues. The suspect, still at large.
...

We didn't give him enough Chinese shit.

Ricky

You think?! [Answers phone] Dude, it's him! What's up, corpse?

Chev

Bonjour, douche bag, Thought you might be interested in a deal.

Ricky

Oh, you a dealer, now?

Chev

Don't you worry about what I am. Listen, I want the antidote.

Ricky

Oh, the antidote?!

Chev

That's right, the antidote.

Ricky

What you prepared to give me?

Chev

How about that jewelry I got off that **** brother of yours, you ****? Don't pop a blood vessel, you little penis.

Ricky

Okay.

Chev

You like the deal?

Ricky

Whatever!

Chev

Be at the downtown Lint in 20 minutes. You know the spot?

Ricky

Yeah.

Chev

Don't be late, or I'll trade the thing to a whore for a hand job. Look, I said I said I'd ****in' be...

Ricky

****!

Chev

See you later, sunshine. Dammit! ****!

Ricky

Yo, it's Verona. You won't believe this call I just got.
...

Chev

It's gonna be all right, baby.

Eve

But you said...

Chev

No, no. Things have changed. There's an antidote. I can make a deal for it, but I got to go alone.

Eve

I'm scared.

Chev

Of course. You'll be safe, now. And I'll be back.

Eve

Promise?

Chev

I promise.

Ricky

What's happening, bro?!
...

Where did I go wrong?!

Chev

You ****in' just say something?

It's like talking to the wall.

Chev

Mom?

I'm amazed you remember you have a mother.

Chev

Please, I haven't got time for this.

You're never around. I've never seen you in the house in sixteen years.

Chev

Yeah, yeah, yeah, right mom, with you popping valium like tic tacs. I really wouldn't wish at all someone would so this. Why would I stick around for entertainment like this?

That's hurtful.

Chev

Please, I've no time for this.

You got no time, period. You're a persistent mother****er, Chelios. I give you that.

Chev

Orlando?

Chev

This is weird.

Yeah, I know this is weird, but you know, this has gotta stop sometime. [In Ạsian language] Who do you think you are? Michael Myers [In Ricky's voice] They pop you and you keep getting up?

Chev

I'm the terminator.

You was, but here's a new gun in town.

Chev

You know, I just don't get it. Why didn't you cut me up when you had the chance?

Too easy, mother****er. Look at you. Bi-polar, sadomasochistic tendencies... Adrenaline junkie...

Alter Chev ego

...addicted to violence... probably spends every day looking for the big thrill, the big rush, Carving up a guy while he screams in his own blood and excrement, would be like... like a gift. A warriors death.

Hell, you'd probably get off on it.

Chev

Why do you ask this?

Alter Chev ego

Maybe it's best for a guy like you. Going downhill. Winding down. Inevitable. Under so many circumstances.

Chev

Who are you anyway?

Don't you know?

Chev

I think I'm starting to figure it out.

Better late than never. You know you're gonna die up there.

Chev

Yeah, maybe. But I'm taking you with me. [Alter ego Chev becomes radiant with UV light and then disappears with the Asian man becoming default] Some pills, Doc.

Did you **** say something?

Chelios?

Chev

Hello, girls.

Hold up. Give me the piece. [Çoṇḟịsçạtes Ċhev's ḟịreạrm]

Chev

Now, isn't that a **** picture?

Chelios. What a **** nightmare you are.

Chev

No shit.

Sit down.

Ricky

Whoa! Wait a minute. You pat him down, again. I know he's carrying something. [Ḥeṇçhmạṇ pulls out ạ tube çoṇṇeçted boẋ]

Let me see that.

Chev

Mother****er.

Clever. What is this, an insulin pump?

Chev

Basically.

Ricky

What the **** is Insulin? [Carlito holds up finger for silence]

Ephedrine, right?

Chev

Yeah.

You're very resourceful.

Chev

Found a new master, little bitch?

Ricky

I'm nobody's bitch.

Chev

You'll be a bitch when Carlito hires you for half what he paid me.

That's enough.

Chev

You'll throw boss a reach-around, show him you're a good bitch.

Ricky

I'm nobody's little bitch! [Points gun at Chev] You ****in' hear me? He'll pay me what I tell him to pay!

That's enough! Sit down! It's been a long **** day. In the end, you have to admit, it all works out quite nicely. Don Kim gets his bullet, thanks to you, and Hong Kong gets a goat to take the fall. Please understand, it's nothing personal.

Ricky

Speak for yourself. [Mimics a kiss]

Chev

That what I think it is?

It's the Chinese shit. Hold him down.

Chev

Not so fast, mother****er!

Ricky

He's gone dipsy-do, yo! [Chev points at him] Whatever, psycho!

I'm afraid the Houdini act is over, my friend. [Points at a henchman who falls down from a headshot]

Ricky

Our Father, who art in...

Shut up!

So, this is how it is! [Camera pan-out reveals Don Kim and his hitmen team]

Ricky

It's Don Kim! He's supposed to be dead!

Chev

Presto. [Gun fight between henchmens of Carlito and Don Kim ensues]

Police have moved to surround the Hotel Lint, where the madman behind today's mayhem... is holed up and making a desperate last stand. Officials have confirmed gunfire on the sundeck. Our news chopper will bring live, uncensored coverage from above the hotel. Again, this coverage is uncensored, so any small children present should leave the room.
...

Ricky

Get me out of here! I'll kill you, Chelios!

Chev

Too late!

Look out! [Grabs a henchman to cover the grenade]

Thanks, boss.

Ricky

Let's get the **** out of here, now! Let's go!

Chev

Present from Kaylo.

Ricky

Now what?

Chev

Now you say shit!

Where the **** were you?!

Ricky

Who's the bitch, now?! [Shoots Carlito and climbs into helicopter] No, no! You fly, mother****er! Mother****in' fly!

Chev

You're dead!

Ricky

Oh my God! You're dead! You're dead, mother****er!

Chev

Thought I'd told you I'd kill you, you little bitch! [Chev then snaps Ricky's neck who drifts away lifeless and Chev then makes a phone call]

Chev

Hey, its Eve. I'm glad you called but I'm not here. Leave a message, unless you're selling something 'cause I'm not interested. If you're not, then just... Wait, time's up. Hey, doll... Looks like I let you down, again. Seems like all my life I've just been going... going... going... I wish I'd taken more time to stop and smell the roses, so to speak. Well, I guess it's too late for that now. You're the greatest, baby. [Chev lands on a vehicle, bounces onto the road and a heartbeat is heard]