Dante Hicks A woman makes a guy ****; it's standard. A guy makes a woman ****, it's talent.
Played by Brian O'Halloran 
Clerks (1994) · 59 quotes
Clerks (1994) · 59 quotes
Tied for most-quoted character in Clerks (1994): in 31 of its 59 quotes
Most scenes with: Randal Graves (15), Customer (5), Jay (4)
Hey, try not to suck any dick on the way to the parking lot! [a guy standing near the door begins to walk off] Hey! Hey, you! Get back here!
More lines from Dante Hicks
8 quotes Dante Hicks Dante Hicks Great, every time I kiss you, I'm gonna taste 36 other guys!
Dante Hicks You ever notice how all the prices end in nine? Damn, that's eerie.
Dante Hicks I mean aside from the cheating, we were a great couple. I mean that's what high school was about, algebra, bad lunch, and infidelity.
Dante Hicks I'm not the type of person who will disrupt things just so I can shit comfortably.
Dante Hicks My friend here is trying to convince me that any independent contractors working on the uncompleted Death Star were innocent victims when it was destroyed by the Rebels.
Dante Hicks 37?! I'm 37?!
Dante Hicks I'm not even supposed to be here today!
Scenes with Dante Hicks
22 scenes
[Dante is painting Veronica's fingernails beneath the counter]
You think anybody can see us down here?
Dante Why? Do you wanna have sex or something?
Dante [After Dante finds out about Veronica and Snowball]
...You sucked that guy's d*ck?!
.Well, yeah. How do you think I knew--?
Dante But you said you only had sex with three different guys; you never mentioned him!
Because I never had sex with him.
Dante You sucked his d*ck!
We went out a few times. We never had sex but we fooled around.
Dante Oh my God, why did you tell me you only had sex with three different guys?
Because I did only have sex with three different guys; that doesn't mean I didn't just go with people.
Dante Oh my God, I feel so nauseous!
I'm sorry, Dante, I thought you understood!
Dante I did understand! I understood that you had sex with three different guys and that's all you said!
Please calm down.
Dante How many?
Dante--
Dante How many d*cks have you sucked?!
Let it go!
Dante How many?!
All right, shut up a second and I'll tell you! Jesus! I didn't freak out like this when you told me how many girls you ****!
Dante This is different, this is important! How many?!
Dante [long pause as customer buys something]
...Well?!
Something like 36.
Dante What?! Something like 36?!
Lower your voice.
Dante Wait a minute, what is that anyway, something like 36?! Does that include me?!
Ummm, 37.
Dante I'm 37?!
I'm going to class.
Dante [Customer comes up to counter]
Oh, my God. [To Customer] 37! My girlfriend sucked 37 d*cks!
In a row?
I stopped by home and brought you some lunch.
Dante What is it?
Peanut butter and jelly with the crust cut off. What do you think it is? It's lasagna.
Dante Really? Ah, you're the queen!
I'm glad you've calmed down a bit. Hi, Randall.
37?
Dante Shut up. Yes, I've calmed down. I'm not happy but I'll be able to deal.
Slurp, slurp, slurp
Dante Why don't you go back to the video store?
Dante I'm stuck in this pit, working for less than slave wages, working on my day off. The goddamn steel shutters are closed. I deal with every backward-assed **** on the planet. I smell like shoe polish. My ex-girlfriend is catatonic after **** a dead guy, and my present girlfriend has sucked 36 dicks.
37.
Sanford
Hey, Dante, I'm gonna grab a Gatorade.
Dante If you grab a Gatorade, then everyone's gonna grab one.
Sanford
So?
Dante So, who's gonna pay for all these Gatorades?
Sanford
What do you care, you shoe polish-smelling mother****er?
Dante Hey, I have a responsibility here. I can't have everybody grabbing free drinks.
Sanford
Responsibility? What responsibility? You're closing the **** store to play hockey!
He's blunt, but he's got a point.
Dante Will you let me maintain some semblance of managerial control here?
Sanford
No, all I'm sayin' is that if you're gonna be insubordinate, you might as well go the full nine, not pussy out when it comes to free shit to drink.
He's right, as if we're suddenly gonna have a run on Gatorade.
Sanford
****in' A!
Dante All right! Jesus! You ****ers are pushy!
Dante Only 12 minutes of a game and then it's over?! ****! ****, ****, ****! I'm not even suppose to be here today!
Sanford
I still get free Gatorade, right?
Hockey's hockey. At least we got to play.
Dante Twelve minutes is hardly a game. Jesus, it's hardly even a warm-up.
Bitch, bitch, bitch. You want something to drink?
Dante Yeah. Gatorade.
Hey, what happened to all the Gatorade?
Dante Exactly! They drank it all!
What did you like better, Jedi or The Empire Strikes Back?
Dante Empire.
Blasphemy.
Dante Empire had the better ending. I mean, Luke gets his hand cut off, finds out Vader's his father. Han gets frozen and taken away by Boba Fett. It ends on such a down note. I mean, that's what life is, a series of down endings. All Jedi had was a bunch of Muppets.
The 'Milk Maids'?
Dante The women that go through every gallon of milk, looking for that later date, as if somewhere beyond all the other gallons is a container of milk that won't go bad for at least a decade.
Angry man
Now lose the skates, Dorothy Hamill, and open the ****in' store!
Hockey player
Dante, where are ya?
Angry man
He's busy!
Dante In a second!
Angry man
**** "in a second"! This--oh look at you, you can't even pass!
Dante Hey, I can pass!
Angry man
How 'bout covering the point? Man, you suck.
Dante Who are you to make assessments?
Angry man
Hey, I'll assess all I want, pal.
Hockey player
Hey, Dante, you in or out?
Angry man
Don't pass to this guy. He sucks! You suck!
Dante Oh, like you're any better?
Angry man
Hey, I'll whoop your ass any day, pal!
Dante Oh, it's easy to for you to say from over here!
Angry man
Gimme your stick, pretty boy. I'll knock your ****in' teeth out and pass all over your ass!
Hey, you open?
William Black
Yeah, you open?
Dante and Angry man
No!
You know who I can do without? The people in the video store.
Dante Which ones?
All of 'em.
Customer 1
[flashback]
What would you get for a six-year-old boy who chronically wets his bed?
Customer 2
So, do you have any new movies in?
Customer 3
[The camera zooms out. Behind her is a sign that says "BRAND NEW MOVIES!".]
Do you have that one with that guy who was in that movie that was out last year?
[flashback ends]
They never rent quality flicks. They always pick the most intellectually devoid movie on the racks.
Customer 3
[flashback]
Oooh! Navy Seals!
[flashback ends]
It's like in order to join they have to have an I.Q. less than their shoe size.
Chick only made you nuts, man. She cheated on you how many times?
Dante Eight and a half.
Eight and a half?
Dante Party at John Kay's, senior year; I get blitzed, pass out in his bedroom. Caitlin comes in and jumps all over me.
So, that's cheating?
Dante No. In the middle of it she called me Brad.
She called you Brad?
Dante Called me Brad.
That's not cheating. People say crazy shit during sex. One time I called this girl 'Mom'.
Dante You hate people!
But I love gatherings. Isn't it ironic?
The jizz-mopper's job is to clean off the glass after each guy shoots a load. I don't know if you noticed, but **** leaves streaks if you don't clean it right away.
Dante I'm sorry?
Using filthy language in front of the customers, you both should be fired!
Dante I'm sorry, I guess we got carried away.
I don't know if sorry could make up for it, you've highly offended me.
Well if you thinks that's offensive, check this out!
[Randal shows the customer a graphic picture from a porn mag.]
I think you can see her kidneys!
[The customer runs out of the store.]
Dante [Randal has spit water at a customer.]
What the **** did you do that for?!
Two reasons. One, I hate it when the customers can't shut up about the stupid tabloid headlines.
Dante Oh, Jesus!
And two, to prove a point, title does not dictate behavior.
Dante What?!
If title dictated my behavior as a clerk serving the public, I wouldn't be allowed to spit water on that guy, but I did. My point is that people dicate their own behavior. Even though I work at a video store, I choose to rent videos at Big Choice. Agreed?
Dante You're a danger to both the dead and the living.
I like to think that I am a master of my own destiny.
Dante Please get the hell outta here!
You know I'm your hero.
Dante [Dante, Randal, and several others are playing hockey on the roof of the store when the ball is hit off.]
Hey, any balls down there?
About the biggest pair you've ever seen, dingleberry.
Dante [Dante and Randal have just returned from a wake]
I can't ****in' believe you!
I'm tellin' you, it wasn't my fault!
Dante You knocked the casket over!
It was an accident!
Dante (sarcastically)
Like somebody knocks a casket over on purpose!
It wasn't a big deal!
Dante Her ****in' body fell out!
Just put it back in; it's not like it matters if she breaks something!
Dante Just go! Just go open the video store!
Yeah, open the video store!
Shut the **** up, junkie!
Dante [Jay comes and farts on Randal and then hides behind Dante.]
Please, just go open the video store!
Yeah, you ****-smokin' clerk!
Dante [to Jay]
And what did I tell you about dealin' in front of the store?!
I'm not dealin' in front of the store!
Random Person
[A guy walks up to Jay]
You dealin'?
Yeah, man, what you want?
[Dante, resigned, walks angrily into the Quick Stop.]
Caitlin [Randal is busy watching a transsexual adult film]
What are you watching?
Children's programming.
[regarding weird man examining dozens of eggs]
They call it "shell shock". It seems to only happen with guidance counselors. They use to make a big deal of it but they let just let it go now 'cuz they always pay for whatever they break and they never bother anybody.
Dante Well, why guidance counselors?
Well, if your job was as meaningless as theirs, wouldn't you go crazy too?
Come to think of it, my guidance counselor was kinda worthless.
Embolism in a pool.
Dante What an embarrassing way to die.
That's nothing compared to how my cousin Walter died.
Dante How did he die?
He broke his neck.
Dante That's embarrassing?
He broke his neck trying to suck his own dick.
Dante [Dante is trying to pry a customer's fist out a Pringle's can]
Hold on to the counter and I'll pull.
Usually, I just turn the can upside down.
Dante Maybe we oughta soap your hand up.
They oughta put a warning on these things, like they do with cigarettes.
Dante Oh, I think it's coming!
[Dante pulls the can off the customer's fist]
Heh, thanks. I thought I was going to have to go to the hospital.
Dante I'll throw this out as a precautionary measure.
It stings a little.
Dante A little word of advice, my friend: Sometimes you gotta let those hard-to-reach chips go.
Thanks.
Dante [Randal walks in]
You know that article's accurate? Caitlin really is getting married.
You know what I just watched?
Dante Me pulling a can off some moron's fist?
Dante I can't believe I'm gonna miss the **** game!
Well, at least we're stuck here together.
My grandma use to say "What's better? ****in' a good plate with nothin' on it..." no wait, I **** up, "What's a good plate with nothing on it?"
Dante Meaning?
I don't know. She was senile and shit. She use to ****in' piss herself all the time..and shit herself. C'mon Silent Bob lets get the **** outta this ****in' jib joint, with this ****in' **** Dante. You ****-smoker.
You men make me feel sick. You'll sleep with anything that says yes.
Dante Animal, mineral or vegetable.
Vegetable, meaning paraplegic.
Dante They put up the least amount of struggle.
Chewlies Gum Rep You're spending what? 20, maybe 30 dollars a week on your cigarettes?
Angry Smoking Crowd
Yeah.
Woolen Cap Smoker 40.
Smoker #1
Something like that.
Smoker #2
53.
Chewlies Gum Rep 53 dollars a week on cigarettes?! Come on! Would you give somebody that much money each week to kill you? 'Cause that's what you're doing now by paying for this so-called privilege to smoke.
Angry Smoking Crowd
Hey man, we gotta croak sometime.
Chewlies Gum Rep It's that kinda mentality that allows the cancer-producing industry to thrive. Course we're all gonna die some day. But do we have to pay for it? Do we have to actually throw hard-earned dollars down on the counter and say, "Please, Mr. Merchant of Death, please, sell me something that'll stink up my breath and my clothes and fry my lungs."
Dante Now wait a second!
Chewlies Gum Rep Yeah. Yeah, now here comes the speech about how he's just doing his job by following orders. Friends, let me tell you about another group of hatemongers that were just following orders.
Angry Smoking Crowd
Who's that?
Chewlies Gum Rep They were called Nazis!
Woolen Cap Smoker Nazis, that's right.
Angry Smoking Crowd
****in' Nazi!
Chewlies Gum Rep Yeah, and they practically wiped an entire nation of people off the Earth, just like your cigarettes are doing now.
Dante You know, that article's accurate. Caitlin's really getting married!
You know what I just watched?
Dante Me pulling a can off some moron's fist?
Return of the Jedi.
Dante Didn't you hear me? Caitlin is really getting married!
Which did you like better? Jedi or The Empire Strikes Back?
Dante Empire.
Blasphemy.
Dante Empire had the better ending. I mean, Luke gets his hand cut off, finds out Vader's his father, uh, Han gets frozen and taken away by Boba Fett. It ends on such a down note. I mean, that's what life is, a series of down endings. All Jedi had was a bunch of Muppets.
There was something else going on in Jedi. I ever noticed it 'til today. They built another Death Star, right?
Dante Yeah.
Now, the first one was completed and fully operational before the Rebels destroyed it.
Dante Luke blew it up. Give credit where credit is due.
And the second one was still being built when they blew it up.
Dante Compliments of Lando Calrissian.
Something just never sat right with me that second time around. I could never put my figure on it, but something just wasn't right.
Dante And you figured it out?
The first Death Star was manned by the Imperial Army. The only people onboard were stormtroopers, dignitaries. Imperials.
Dante Basically.
So when they blew it up, no problem. Evil's punished.
Dante And the second time around?
The second time around, it wasn't even done being built yet. It was still under construction.
Dante So?
So a construction job of that magnitude would require a helluva lot more manpower than the Imperial army had to offer. I'll bet there were independent contractors working on that thing: plumbers, aluminum siders, roofers...
Dante And not just Imperials. Is that what you're getting at?
Exactly. In order to get it built quickly and quietly, they'd hire anybody who could do the job. Do you think the average stormtrooper knows how to install a toilet main? All they know is killing and white uniforms.
Dante All right, so they bring in independent contractors. Why are you so upset with its destruction?
All those innocent contractors hired to do the job were killed! Casualties of a war they had nothing to do with. All right, look, you're a roofer, and some juicy government contract comes your way. You got the wife and kids and the two-story in suburbia. This is a government contract, which means all sorts of benefits. All of a sudden these left-wing militants blast you with lasers and wipe out everyone within a three-mile radius. You didn't ask for that. You have no personal politics. You're just trying to scrape out a living.
Roofer
Excuse me, I don't mean to interrupt, but what are you two talking about?
The ending of Return of the Jedi.
Dante My friend here is trying to convince me that any independent contractors who were working on the uncompleted Death Star were innocent victims when it was destroyed by the Rebels.
Roofer
Well, I'm a contractor myself. I'm a roofer—Dunn and Ready Home Improvements—and speaking as a roofer, I can tell you a roofer's personal politics comes into play heavily when choosing jobs.
Oh yeah, like when?
Roofer
Three weeks ago, I was offered a job up in the hills. Beautiful house, tons of property. A simple reshingling job! They told me if I could finish it in one day, I would double my price. Then I realized whose house it was.
Whose house was it?
Roofer
Dominic Bambino's.
"Baby-Face" Bambino the gangster?
Roofer
The same! The money was right, but the risk was too high. I knew who he was, and based on that, I turned the job over to a friend of mine.
Dante [to Randal]
Based on his personal politics.
Roofer
Right! And the next week the Floressi family puts out a hit on Baby-Face's house! My friend was shot and killed. Didn't even finish reshingling!
No way.
Roofer
I'm alive because I knew the risk involved with that particular client. My friend wasn't so lucky. Any contractor working on that Death Star knew the risk involved. If they got killed, it's their own fault. A roofer listens to this [pointing to his heart], not his wallet.
Dante [Dante and Randal have just returned from Julie’s wake]
I can't ****in' believe you!
I'm tellin' you, it wasn't my fault!
Dante You knocked the casket over, for Christ's sake!
I was just leanin' on it! It was an accident!
Dante Like someone knocks a casket over on purpose!
So the casket fell over, big deal!
Dante Her ****in' body fell out!
Just put it back in. It's not like it matters if she breaks somethin'!
Dante Just go. Just go open the video store!
Shut the **** up, junkie!
Dante [Jay comes over and lifts his leg to fart on Randal. Dante stops Randal and tells him to open RST.]
Just go. Just go open the video store.
Yeah, ****-smoking clerk!
Dante And how many times have I told you not to be dealing in front of the store?
I'm not dealin', man. What you talkin' 'bout?
Yo, you got anything, man?
Yeah, man. What you want, man?
