Jay What's up, baby? What's up, sluts?
Played by Jason Mewes 
Clerks (1994) · 59 quotes
Clerks (1994) · 59 quotes
3rd most-quoted character in Clerks (1994): in 13 of its 59 quotes
Most scenes with: Dante Hicks (4), Randal Graves (4), Customer (2)
Yeah. Silent Bob, you're one rude mother****er, you know that? But, you're cute as hell. I could go down on you, suck you, line up three other guys, make like a circus seal. [a horn beeps] Ew, you **** ****. I hate guys! I love women! [Willam approaches them] Whatchoo want, Grizzly Adams?
More lines from Jay
5 quotes Jay Jay I've had some girlfriends too, but all they wanted from me was weed and shit.
Jay I don't care if she's my cousin or not, I'm gonna knock those boots again tonight.
Jay I need some tits and ass! Yo, I'm feeling good tonight Silent Bob, we're gonna make some money, you know what we gonna do, we gonna go to that party, get some pussy. I'll **** this bitch, I'll **** this bitch, I'll **** anything that moves!
Jay What the **** you looking at? I'll kick your **** ass! [to Silent Bob] Didn't that mother****er owe me like ten bucks? Tonight, we'll rip that ****er's head, take out his **** soul. Remind me next time he buys something to shit in the mother****er's bag.
Scenes with Jay
7 scenesThey say so much, but they never tell you if it's any good…are either one of these any good?
What?
Are either one of these any good?
I don't watch movies.
Well, have you heard anything about either one of them?
I find it's best to stay out of other people's affairs.
You mean you've haven't heard anybody say anything about either one of these?
Nope.
[The customer turns around, then holds up the same two movies.]
Well, what about these two?
Oh, they suck.
These are the same two movies! You weren't paying any attention!
No, I wasn't.
I don't think your manager would appreciate--
I don't appreciate your ruse, ma'am.
I beg your pardon?
Your ruse, your cunning attempt to trick me.
I was only pointing out that you weren't paying any attention to what I was saying!
And, I hope it feels good.
You hope what feels good?
I hope it feels so good to be right. There's nothing more exhilarating than pointing out the shortcomings of others, is there?
Well, this is the last time I rent here!
You'll be missed.
Screw you!
Hey! You're not allowed to rent here anymore!
Jay (outside)
Yeah!
Screw me?
[Dante, Randal, and several others are playing hockey on the roof of the store when the ball is hit off.]
Hey, any balls down there?
Jay About the biggest pair you've ever seen, dingleberry.
Olaf
[Olaf sings "Berserker" to a female, as well as Jay and Silent Bob.]
My love for you is like a truck, berserker. Would you like some making ****, berserker.
Jay That's ****in' funny, man.
Girl
Did he just say, "making ****"?
I'm tellin' you, it wasn't my fault!
You knocked the casket over!
It was an accident!
It wasn't a big deal!
Her ****in' body fell out!
Just put it back in; it's not like it matters if she breaks something!
Just go! Just go open the video store!
Jay Yeah, open the video store!
Shut the **** up, junkie!
[Jay comes and farts on Randal and then hides behind Dante.]
Please, just go open the video store!
Jay Yeah, you ****-smokin' clerk!
Jay I'm not dealin' in front of the store!
Random Person
[A guy walks up to Jay]
You dealin'?
Jay Yeah, man, what you want?
[Dante, resigned, walks angrily into the Quick Stop.]
Caitlin [Randal is busy watching a transsexual adult film]
What are you watching?
Children's programming.
[regarding weird man examining dozens of eggs]
They call it "shell shock". It seems to only happen with guidance counselors. They use to make a big deal of it but they let just let it go now 'cuz they always pay for whatever they break and they never bother anybody.
Well, why guidance counselors?
Well, if your job was as meaningless as theirs, wouldn't you go crazy too?
Come to think of it, my guidance counselor was kinda worthless.
Embolism in a pool.
What an embarrassing way to die.
That's nothing compared to how my cousin Walter died.
How did he die?
He broke his neck.
That's embarrassing?
He broke his neck trying to suck his own dick.
[Dante is trying to pry a customer's fist out a Pringle's can]
Hold on to the counter and I'll pull.
Usually, I just turn the can upside down.
Maybe we oughta soap your hand up.
They oughta put a warning on these things, like they do with cigarettes.
Oh, I think it's coming!
[Dante pulls the can off the customer's fist]
Heh, thanks. I thought I was going to have to go to the hospital.
I'll throw this out as a precautionary measure.
It stings a little.
A little word of advice, my friend: Sometimes you gotta let those hard-to-reach chips go.
Thanks.
You know what I just watched?
Me pulling a can off some moron's fist?
I can't believe I'm gonna miss the **** game!
Well, at least we're stuck here together.
Jay My grandma use to say "What's better? ****in' a good plate with nothin' on it..." no wait, I **** up, "What's a good plate with nothing on it?"
Meaning?
Jay I don't know. She was senile and shit. She use to ****in' piss herself all the time..and shit herself. C'mon Silent Bob lets get the **** outta this ****in' jib joint, with this ****in' **** Dante. You ****-smoker.
Jay I feel good today, Silent Bob. We're gonna make some money, then you know what we're going to do? We're gonna go to that party, we're gonna get some pussy, and I'm gonna **** this bitch, I'll **** this bitch, I'll **** anything that moves! [to a man passing by on a bicycle] Yo, what the **** you lookin' at? I'll kick your ****in' ass! Shit yeah. [to Silent Bob] Doesn't that mother****er owe me 10 bucks? You know, ****in' tonight, we're gonna rip off this ****er's head, and tear out his ****in' soul. Remind me if he tries to buy something, I'm gonna shit in the mother****er's bag. [to two women in a passing car] Hey, what's up babes? What's up, sluts?
I'm tellin' you, it wasn't my fault!
You knocked the casket over, for Christ's sake!
I was just leanin' on it! It was an accident!
Like someone knocks a casket over on purpose!
So the casket fell over, big deal!
Her ****in' body fell out!
Just put it back in. It's not like it matters if she breaks somethin'!
Just go. Just go open the video store!
Jay [offscreen]
Yeah, open the video store!
Shut the **** up, junkie!
[Jay comes over and lifts his leg to fart on Randal. Dante stops Randal and tells him to open RST.]
Just go. Just go open the video store.
Jay Yeah, ****-smoking clerk!
And how many times have I told you not to be dealing in front of the store?
Jay I'm not dealin', man. What you talkin' 'bout?
Yo, you got anything, man?
Jay Yeah, man. What you want, man?
