[Randal is busy watching a transsexual adult film]
What are you watching?
Children's programming.
[regarding weird man examining dozens of eggs]
They call it "shell shock". It seems to only happen with guidance counselors. They use to make a big deal of it but they let just let it go now 'cuz they always pay for whatever they break and they never bother anybody.
Well, why guidance counselors?
Well, if your job was as meaningless as theirs, wouldn't you go crazy too?
Come to think of it, my guidance counselor was kinda worthless.
Embolism in a pool.
What an embarrassing way to die.
That's nothing compared to how my cousin Walter died.
How did he die?
He broke his neck.
That's embarrassing?
He broke his neck trying to suck his own dick.
[Dante is trying to pry a customer's fist out a Pringle's can]
Hold on to the counter and I'll pull.
Usually, I just turn the can upside down.
Maybe we oughta soap your hand up.
They oughta put a warning on these things, like they do with cigarettes.
Oh, I think it's coming!
[Dante pulls the can off the customer's fist]
Heh, thanks. I thought I was going to have to go to the hospital.
I'll throw this out as a precautionary measure.
It stings a little.
A little word of advice, my friend: Sometimes you gotta let those hard-to-reach chips go.
Thanks.
You know what I just watched?
Me pulling a can off some moron's fist?
I can't believe I'm gonna miss the **** game!
Well, at least we're stuck here together.
My grandma use to say "What's better? ****in' a good plate with nothin' on it..." no wait, I **** up, "What's a good plate with nothing on it?"
Meaning?
I don't know. She was senile and shit. She use to ****in' piss herself all the time..and shit herself. C'mon Silent Bob lets get the **** outta this ****in' jib joint, with this ****in' **** Dante. You ****-smoker.
