37?! I'm 37?!
Dante Hicks
Brian O'Halloran · 31 quotes
Randal Graves
Jeff Anderson · 31 quotes
Jay
Jason Mewes · 13 quotes
Customer
6 quotes
Veronica
Marilyn Ghigliotti · 4 quotes
Silent Bob
Kevin Smith · 1 quote
Most scenes together: Dante Hicks & Randal Graves (15), Dante Hicks & Customer (5), Dante Hicks & Jay (4)
Clerks quotes
Page 1 of 4
Angry man
Now lose the skates, Dorothy Hamill, and open the ****in' store!
Hockey player
Dante, where are ya?
Angry man
He's busy!
In a second!
Angry man
**** "in a second"! This--oh look at you, you can't even pass!
Hey, I can pass!
Angry man
How 'bout covering the point? Man, you suck.
Who are you to make assessments?
Angry man
Hey, I'll assess all I want, pal.
Hockey player
Hey, Dante, you in or out?
Angry man
Don't pass to this guy. He sucks! You suck!
Oh, like you're any better?
Angry man
Hey, I'll whoop your ass any day, pal!
Oh, it's easy to for you to say from over here!
Angry man
Gimme your stick, pretty boy. I'll knock your ****in' teeth out and pass all over your ass!
Hey, you open?
William Black
Yeah, you open?
Dante and Angry man
No!
Caitlin Can I use your bathroom?
Sure. But there's no lights back there.
Caitlin Why aren't there any lights?
Well, there are, but for some reason they stop working at 5:14 every night.
Caitlin You're kidding. Why?
Nobody can figure it out. The boss doesn't wanna pay the electrician to fix it, 'cause the electrician owes money to the video store.
Caitlin Such a sordid state of affairs.
And I'm caught in the middle. Torn between my loyalty for the boss and my desire to piss with the lights on.
Caitlin Well, I'll try to manage.
Oh, hey Caitlin, break his heart again this time and I'll kill ya. Nothing personal.
Caitlin You are very protective of him, Randal. You always have been.
Territoriality. He was mine first.
Caitlin Oh, that was so cute.
Chewlies Gum Rep You're spending what? 20, maybe 30 dollars a week on your cigarettes?
Angry Smoking Crowd
Yeah.
Woolen Cap Smoker 40.
Smoker #1
Something like that.
Smoker #2
53.
Chewlies Gum Rep 53 dollars a week on cigarettes?! Come on! Would you give somebody that much money each week to kill you? 'Cause that's what you're doing now by paying for this so-called privilege to smoke.
Angry Smoking Crowd
Hey man, we gotta croak sometime.
Chewlies Gum Rep It's that kinda mentality that allows the cancer-producing industry to thrive. Course we're all gonna die some day. But do we have to pay for it? Do we have to actually throw hard-earned dollars down on the counter and say, "Please, Mr. Merchant of Death, please, sell me something that'll stink up my breath and my clothes and fry my lungs."
Now wait a second!
Chewlies Gum Rep Yeah. Yeah, now here comes the speech about how he's just doing his job by following orders. Friends, let me tell you about another group of hatemongers that were just following orders.
Angry Smoking Crowd
Who's that?
Chewlies Gum Rep They were called Nazis!
Woolen Cap Smoker Nazis, that's right.
Angry Smoking Crowd
****in' Nazi!
Chewlies Gum Rep Yeah, and they practically wiped an entire nation of people off the Earth, just like your cigarettes are doing now.
Cute cat. What's its name?
Annoying customer.
****in' dickhead.
I'm stuck in this pit, working for less than slave wages, working on my day off. The goddamn steel shutters are closed. I deal with every backward-assed **** on the planet. I smell like shoe polish. My ex-girlfriend is catatonic after **** a dead guy, and my present girlfriend has sucked 36 dicks.
37.
Only 12 minutes of a game and then it's over?! ****! ****, ****, ****! I'm not even suppose to be here today!
Sanford
I still get free Gatorade, right?
You hate people!
But I love gatherings. Isn't it ironic?
You know, that article's accurate. Caitlin's really getting married!
You know what I just watched?
Me pulling a can off some moron's fist?
Return of the Jedi.
Didn't you hear me? Caitlin is really getting married!
Which did you like better? Jedi or The Empire Strikes Back?
Empire.
Blasphemy.
Empire had the better ending. I mean, Luke gets his hand cut off, finds out Vader's his father, uh, Han gets frozen and taken away by Boba Fett. It ends on such a down note. I mean, that's what life is, a series of down endings. All Jedi had was a bunch of Muppets.
There was something else going on in Jedi. I ever noticed it 'til today. They built another Death Star, right?
Yeah.
Now, the first one was completed and fully operational before the Rebels destroyed it.
Luke blew it up. Give credit where credit is due.
And the second one was still being built when they blew it up.
Compliments of Lando Calrissian.
Something just never sat right with me that second time around. I could never put my figure on it, but something just wasn't right.
And you figured it out?
The first Death Star was manned by the Imperial Army. The only people onboard were stormtroopers, dignitaries. Imperials.
Basically.
So when they blew it up, no problem. Evil's punished.
And the second time around?
The second time around, it wasn't even done being built yet. It was still under construction.
So?
So a construction job of that magnitude would require a helluva lot more manpower than the Imperial army had to offer. I'll bet there were independent contractors working on that thing: plumbers, aluminum siders, roofers...
And not just Imperials. Is that what you're getting at?
Exactly. In order to get it built quickly and quietly, they'd hire anybody who could do the job. Do you think the average stormtrooper knows how to install a toilet main? All they know is killing and white uniforms.
All right, so they bring in independent contractors. Why are you so upset with its destruction?
All those innocent contractors hired to do the job were killed! Casualties of a war they had nothing to do with. All right, look, you're a roofer, and some juicy government contract comes your way. You got the wife and kids and the two-story in suburbia. This is a government contract, which means all sorts of benefits. All of a sudden these left-wing militants blast you with lasers and wipe out everyone within a three-mile radius. You didn't ask for that. You have no personal politics. You're just trying to scrape out a living.
Roofer
Excuse me, I don't mean to interrupt, but what are you two talking about?
The ending of Return of the Jedi.
My friend here is trying to convince me that any independent contractors who were working on the uncompleted Death Star were innocent victims when it was destroyed by the Rebels.
Roofer
Well, I'm a contractor myself. I'm a roofer—Dunn and Ready Home Improvements—and speaking as a roofer, I can tell you a roofer's personal politics comes into play heavily when choosing jobs.
Oh yeah, like when?
Roofer
Three weeks ago, I was offered a job up in the hills. Beautiful house, tons of property. A simple reshingling job! They told me if I could finish it in one day, I would double my price. Then I realized whose house it was.
Whose house was it?
Roofer
Dominic Bambino's.
"Baby-Face" Bambino the gangster?
Roofer
The same! The money was right, but the risk was too high. I knew who he was, and based on that, I turned the job over to a friend of mine.
Roofer
Right! And the next week the Floressi family puts out a hit on Baby-Face's house! My friend was shot and killed. Didn't even finish reshingling!
No way.
Roofer
I'm alive because I knew the risk involved with that particular client. My friend wasn't so lucky. Any contractor working on that Death Star knew the risk involved. If they got killed, it's their own fault. A roofer listens to this [pointing to his heart], not his wallet.
It's important to have a job that makes a difference, boys. That's why I manually masturbate caged animals for artificial insemination.
Caitilin Bree
I'm offering you my body, and you're offering me semantics.
Coroner
What kind of convenience store do you run here?
I feel good today, Silent Bob. We're gonna make some money, then you know what we're going to do? We're gonna go to that party, we're gonna get some pussy, and I'm gonna **** this bitch, I'll **** this bitch, I'll **** anything that moves! [to a man passing by on a bicycle] Yo, what the **** you lookin' at? I'll kick your ****in' ass! Shit yeah. [to Silent Bob] Doesn't that mother****er owe me 10 bucks? You know, ****in' tonight, we're gonna rip off this ****er's head, and tear out his ****in' soul. Remind me if he tries to buy something, I'm gonna shit in the mother****er's bag. [to two women in a passing car] Hey, what's up babes? What's up, sluts?
Mother
Excuse me, do you sell videos?
Yeah, what're you looking for?
Mother
Happy Scrappy Hero Pup.
Uh, one second. I'm on the phone with the distribution house now, lemme make sure we got it. What's it called again?
Mother
Happy Scrappy Hero Pup.
Child
Happy Scrappy.
Mother
She loves it.
Obviously. Uh, yeah, hi, this is RST Video calling, customer number 4352, I'd like to place an order. Okay, I need one each of the following tapes: Whispers in the Wind, To Each His Own, Put It Where It Doesn't Belong, My Pipes Need Cleaning, All Tit-**** Volume 8, I Need Your ****, Ass-Worshipping Rim-Jobbers, My **** and 8 Shafts, **** Clean, ****-Gargling Naked Sluts, **** Buns III, Cumming in Socks, **** On Eileen, Huge Black **** with Pearly White ****, Girls Who Crave ****, Girls Who Crave ****, Men Alone II: the KY Connection, Pink Pussy Lips, oh yeah, and, uh, All Holes Filled with Hard ****. Yep. Oh, wait a minute, uh, what was that called again?
Chick only made you nuts, man. She cheated on you how many times?
Eight and a half.
Eight and a half?
Party at John Kay's, senior year; I get blitzed, pass out in his bedroom. Caitlin comes in and jumps all over me.
So, that's cheating?
No. In the middle of it she called me Brad.
She called you Brad?
Called me Brad.
That's not cheating. People say crazy shit during sex. One time I called this girl 'Mom'.
Hockey's hockey. At least we got to play.
Twelve minutes is hardly a game. Jesus, it's hardly even a warm-up.
Bitch, bitch, bitch. You want something to drink?
Yeah. Gatorade.
Hey, what happened to all the Gatorade?
Exactly! They drank it all!
The 'Milk Maids'?
The women that go through every gallon of milk, looking for that later date, as if somewhere beyond all the other gallons is a container of milk that won't go bad for at least a decade.