Clerks 1994 quotes, page 2

Randal

The jizz-mopper's job is to clean off the glass after each guy shoots a load. I don't know if you noticed, but **** leaves streaks if you don't clean it right away.

I will never come to this place again!

Dante

I'm sorry?

Using filthy language in front of the customers, you both should be fired!

Dante

I'm sorry, I guess we got carried away.

I don't know if sorry could make up for it, you've highly offended me.

Randal

Well if you thinks that's offensive, check this out!

Randal

I think you can see her kidneys!
[The customer runs out of the store.]

Randal

What did you like better, Jedi or The Empire Strikes Back?

Dante

Empire.

Randal

Blasphemy.

Dante

Empire had the better ending. I mean, Luke gets his hand cut off, finds out Vader's his father. Han gets frozen and taken away by Boba Fett. It ends on such a down note. I mean, that's what life is, a series of down endings. All Jedi had was a bunch of Muppets.

Randal

You know who I can do without? The people in the video store.

Dante

Which ones?

Randal

All of 'em.

What would you get for a six-year-old boy who chronically wets his bed?

So, do you have any new movies in?

Do you have that one with that guy who was in that movie that was out last year?

Randal

They never rent quality flicks. They always pick the most intellectually devoid movie on the racks.

Oooh! Navy Seals!

Randal

It's like in order to join they have to have an I.Q. less than their shoe size.

Hey, Dante, I'm gonna grab a Gatorade.

Dante

If you grab a Gatorade, then everyone's gonna grab one.

So?

Dante

So, who's gonna pay for all these Gatorades?

What do you care, you shoe polish-smelling mother****er?

Dante

Hey, I have a responsibility here. I can't have everybody grabbing free drinks.

Responsibility? What responsibility? You're closing the **** store to play hockey!

Randal

He's blunt, but he's got a point.

Dante

Will you let me maintain some semblance of managerial control here?

No, all I'm sayin' is that if you're gonna be insubordinate, you might as well go the full nine, not pussy out when it comes to free shit to drink.

Randal

He's right, as if we're suddenly gonna have a run on Gatorade.

****in' A!

Dante

All right! Jesus! You ****ers are pushy!

Veronica

I stopped by home and brought you some lunch.

Dante

What is it?

Veronica

Peanut butter and jelly with the crust cut off. What do you think it is? It's lasagna.

Dante

Really? Ah, you're the queen!

Veronica

I'm glad you've calmed down a bit. Hi, Randall.

Randal

37?

Dante

Shut up. Yes, I've calmed down. I'm not happy but I'll be able to deal.

Randal

Slurp, slurp, slurp

Dante

Why don't you go back to the video store?

Veronica

You men make me feel sick. You'll sleep with anything that says yes.

Dante

Animal, mineral or vegetable.

Veronica

Vegetable, meaning paraplegic.

Dante

They put up the least amount of struggle.

They say so much, but they never tell you if it's any good…are either one of these any good?

Randal

What?

Are either one of these any good?

Randal

I don't watch movies.

Well, have you heard anything about either one of them?

Randal

I find it's best to stay out of other people's affairs.

You mean you've haven't heard anybody say anything about either one of these?

Randal

Nope.

Well, what about these two?

Randal

Oh, they suck.

These are the same two movies! You weren't paying any attention!

Randal

No, I wasn't.

I don't think your manager would appreciate--

Randal

I don't appreciate your ruse, ma'am.

I beg your pardon?

Randal

Your ruse, your cunning attempt to trick me.

I was only pointing out that you weren't paying any attention to what I was saying!

Randal

And, I hope it feels good.

You hope what feels good?

Randal

I hope it feels so good to be right. There's nothing more exhilarating than pointing out the shortcomings of others, is there?

Well, this is the last time I rent here!

Randal

You'll be missed.

Screw you!

Randal

Hey! You're not allowed to rent here anymore!

Jay

Yeah!

Randal

Screw me?

Dante

...You sucked that guy's d*ck?!

Veronica

.Well, yeah. How do you think I knew--?

Dante

But you said you only had sex with three different guys; you never mentioned him!

Veronica

Because I never had sex with him.

Dante

You sucked his d*ck!

Veronica

We went out a few times. We never had sex but we fooled around.

Dante

Oh my God, why did you tell me you only had sex with three different guys?

Veronica

Because I did only have sex with three different guys; that doesn't mean I didn't just go with people.

Dante

Oh my God, I feel so nauseous!

Veronica

I'm sorry, Dante, I thought you understood!

Dante

I did understand! I understood that you had sex with three different guys and that's all you said!

Veronica

Please calm down.

Dante

How many?

Veronica

Dante--

Dante

How many d*cks have you sucked?!

Veronica

Let it go!

Dante

How many?!

Veronica

All right, shut up a second and I'll tell you! Jesus! I didn't freak out like this when you told me how many girls you ****!

Dante

This is different, this is important! How many?!

Dante

...Well?!

Veronica

Something like 36.

Dante

What?! Something like 36?!

Veronica

Lower your voice.

Dante

Wait a minute, what is that anyway, something like 36?! Does that include me?!

Veronica

Ummm, 37.

Dante

I'm 37?!

Veronica

I'm going to class.

Dante

Oh, my God. [To Customer] 37! My girlfriend sucked 37 d*cks!

In a row?

Dante

I can't ****in' believe you!

Randal

I'm tellin' you, it wasn't my fault!

Dante

You knocked the casket over!

Randal

It was an accident!

Dante

Like somebody knocks a casket over on purpose!

Randal

It wasn't a big deal!

Dante

Her ****in' body fell out!

Randal

Just put it back in; it's not like it matters if she breaks something!

Dante

Just go! Just go open the video store!

Jay

Yeah, open the video store!

Randal

Shut the **** up, junkie!

Dante

Please, just go open the video store!

Jay

Yeah, you ****-smokin' clerk!

Dante

And what did I tell you about dealin' in front of the store?!

Jay

I'm not dealin' in front of the store!

You dealin'?

Jay

Yeah, man, what you want?
[Dante, resigned, walks angrily into the Quick Stop.]

Dante

I can't ****in' believe you!

Randal

I'm tellin' you, it wasn't my fault!

Dante

You knocked the casket over, for Christ's sake!

Randal

I was just leanin' on it! It was an accident!

Dante

Like someone knocks a casket over on purpose!

Randal

So the casket fell over, big deal!

Dante

Her ****in' body fell out!

Randal

Just put it back in. It's not like it matters if she breaks somethin'!

Dante

Just go. Just go open the video store!

Jay

Yeah, open the video store!

Randal

Shut the **** up, junkie!

Dante

Just go. Just go open the video store.

Jay

Yeah, ****-smoking clerk!

Dante

And how many times have I told you not to be dealing in front of the store?

Jay

I'm not dealin', man. What you talkin' 'bout?

Yo, you got anything, man?

Jay

Yeah, man. What you want, man?

Veronica

You think anybody can see us down here?

Dante

Why? Do you wanna have sex or something?

Veronica

Can we?

What do you mean there's no ice? You mean, I have to drink this coffee hot?

So, how much is this thing anyway?

Do you sell hubcaps for a '72 Pinto hatchback? Ooh! Mini-Trucker magazine!

Dante

Hey, any balls down there?

Jay

About the biggest pair you've ever seen, dingleberry.

My love for you is like a truck, berserker. Would you like some making ****, berserker.

Jay

That's ****in' funny, man.

Did he just say, "making ****"?

My love for you is ticking clock, berserker. Would you like to suck my ****, berserker.

That's beautiful, man.