Clerks II (2006) · 28 quotes
4th most-quoted character in Clerks II (2006): in 6 of its 28 quotes
Most scenes with: Randal Graves (2), Elias (2)
That guy's being awfully forward with that donkey.
Jay You know, sometimes I wish I did a little more with my life instead of hangin' out in front of places sellin' weed 'n shit. Like, maybe be an animal doctor. Why not me? I like seals 'n shit. Or maybe an astronaut. Yeah... I'd be the first mother****er to see a new galaxy, or find a new alien life form... and **** it. And people'd be, like, "There he goes; homeboy **** the Martian once."
Jay Ooh, I **** hate sobriety, tubby! Everything's so crisp and loud now, and boring. It's boring, son! It's boring! Well, you could do more to help that, you know. This whole 'not talking' shit's getting old. It didn't matter when I was high, 'cause I'd just imagine you were talking in my head, like The Shining and shit, son. Like The Shining and shit. 'Jay's not here right now, Missus Torrance. Silent Bob's the man who lives inside my mouth'...eww, you **** ****, I bet you'd love to live in my mouth." [Silent Bob rolls his eyes] "Well, you had your chance. Back when I was high, you might have had a chance to slip your chubby little **** in me without me noticing, but that shit's NEVER gonna happen now that I'm all dry and shit...like your mom's puss. [pause] That is, unless you got a joint? [Silent Bob shoots him a look of shock and surprise] Ooh! Ooh, Mother****er! You're SO **** lucky! See, I was just testing you. You're lucky you passed, or I'd have to get rid of you as my sponsor. And then you'd cry like a little BITCH!
Jay I'm **** bored, man.
Dude, The Transformers sucked.
Oh, no they didn't. They were more than meets the eye. They could beat the pants off Ranger Danger any day.
Yeah, I'll lose sleep wondering whether you're right about that or not. Thought you weren't allowed to watch a lot of TV in your house 'cause you're all Christian and shit.
Well, as it turns out, cars and trucks that turn into robots aren't really that blasphemous because my pastor says that machines can turn into other machines and it's not a slight against God.
Dude, the Transformers were a total slight against God, in as much as God sent His only begotten Son to die on the cross to redeem mankind and all we did to pay Him back was make terrible **** cartoons like the Transformers.
Nice shot. Well, see... At Bible Camp, we made a flow chart. Since God created man, and man created the Transformers, the Transformers are like a gift from God, Randal!
No sir. They are not a gift from God. They are an unholy curse from the beast we call the Desolate One. (voice deepens, walks slowly towards Elias)
I really don't wanna hear this, Randal. (reaches for head phones trying to ignore Randal)
The first of the fallen. The spoiler of virgins. The MASTER of abortions!.
You know I don't like to talk about dark forces, Randal! (puts on the head phones)
Let me help you out of your chair, Grandma! Grandma!
Jay Grandma what was it like?! To be on that holiday site!
Late that night--
Jay I awoke from my sleep! Hearing!
Jay & Randal Unknown! Voices! Laughing insane! (Pushing Elias back and forth between Randal and Jay)
Well, I don't know about this, Randal. I mean, how do we know this isn't a hoax? Like, were there any pictures on the Web site?
Strangely, no. But if you've seen pics of one chick sucking off a donkey, you've seen them all.
Well, what if you haven't ever seen pics of anything like that?
Well, then you must be as blind as Anne Frank. 'Cause what's the point in having an Internet connection if you're not using it to look at weird, ****-up pictures of dirty sex you'll never have yourself?
...
Holy shit. You know, I've never pieced this together until right now. You're a virgin, aren't you?
You know I have a girlfriend, Randal.
Oh, yeah. What's her name again?
Myra Hodgkiss.
You made her up, didn't you? That name sounds so made-up.
No.
Seriously, Elias, have you and Myra had sex yet?
Well, that's just kind of personal, Randal.
Come on! I tell you about my sex life all the time. I let you smell my fingers after I **** Taton Weathers' kid sister in the office that one time, didn't I?
You kind of made me smell your fingers.
Maybe you just don't like the pussy. Maybe you're all about the ****.
No, no, I like the pussy.
So come on. Did Myra ever give you a crack at her crack or what?
Well, not that it's any of your business, Randal, but she can't.
Why? Jesus, Elias, come on. You got to start trusting me more. Because once Dante's gone, you're gonna be my new best friend.
No, I'm not.
Who the **** else am I gonna hang out with? It's gonna be you and me, buddy. So come on. You got to start trusting me more. Open up and tell me shit. Like why haven't you **** Myra yet?
What the ****'s Pillow Pants?
Pillow Pants is a little troll who lives in her pussy. Pillow Pants is her pussy troll. Duh. You know how every girl's parents put a pussy troll in them when the girls are young to keep them from having premarital sex?
Sure.
Well, Myra's is named Pillow Pants. And so, even though she totally wants to have sex with me, Myra says if I put my thing in her, Pillow Pants will bite it off. So I got to wait until Pillow Pants gets peed out of her body on her 21st birthday before we can have sex.
And Myra told you this?
Boyfriends and girlfriends talk to each other about sex stuff, Randal. You'd know this if you ever had a girlfriend.
Have you and Myra even kissed yet?
We would have already, if it wasn't for Lister Fiend.
Lister Fiend is her mouth troll, isn't it?
Women.
I'll be right back.
...
You are never gonna believe what Elias just told me.
Lance Randal Graves. You work here, too? Jesus. Anyone else from our graduating class back there?
Well, well, well... Pickle ****.
Lance Man, look at you two fun-ployees. Nothing's changed. You know, I'll bet dollars to donuts, when you two aren't fighting about who shit first, Han or Greedo, you can still muster up enough energy to make fun of other people.
Yeah. So hurry up and order and get out of here, so we can make fun of you.
Lance Oh, I don't know if you're in a position to make fun of anyone anymore, Graves. flipping burgers? Before that, I'd heard it was the Quick Stop for, what, like, ten years?
We can't all be Internet millionaires.
Who's an Internet millionaire?
Elias, this is Lance Dowds. We went to high school together. A few years ago, he built a search engine which compiles the lowest prices of merchandise you can buy online. You might have heard of it... MadDucketts.com.
Didn't that just sell to Amazon for, like, 20 million bucks?
Yeah, but back before he was the Mad Ducketts guy, he was just Pickle ****. You see, freshman year, the seniors would hunt us down and put us through what they called initiations. They'd stuff us into lockers or throw us in the girls' shower room naked. But Lance here got the worst of it. The seniors yanked down his pants, and shoved a pickle up his ass, and made him walk ten feet. The pickle fell out before he hit the ten-foot mark. He had to take a bite of it, reinsert it and walk again.
Ew...
Yeah, but don't worry... he made it. His pickle was small enough to stay wedged after only four bites.
Lance I'll bet you're the only guy in the world who still remembers that, Graves.
Oh, I bet you still remember it pretty vividly... Pickle ****er.
Do you have any interest in building the ultimate fan site for both The Lord of the Rings and The Transformers? Because I'd moderate it for free.
Ease up, Pillow Pants. The dude's not into your D&D, GoBots bullshit.
Lance Whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't insult the guy. The GoBots are like the Kmart of Transformers.
Thank you! I keep telling them that.
Lance Here, here's my e-mail address. Drop me a line with some of your ideas.
Cool.
Lance Okay, let's see. What do I want? Uh... how about a Skinny Calf with cheese and a Diet Coke?
I'll get your order. [Puts dead flies burger, puts urinal ice in drink and hands order to Lance] Here you go.
Lance Well, that was fast.
And fresh.
Lance Thanks.
Come again.
Jay-Jay Yo, let's wrap this up so I can get my Cow Tipper on.
Lance You know what? [Hands order to Jay-Jay] Take mine. [To Randal] Something tells me I'm not gonna like it, am I?
Jay-Jay Wow, thanks, Pickle ****er. [Leaves] Yo, so Pickle **** gave us free eats!
Lance You know, I don't eat fast food. It's not good for you. But when I heard you guys were actually working here, well, I just had to see it for myself. It's kind of nice having that kind of free time. Just like it's kind of comforting to know that some things never change. Take care, clerks. [Imitates guns] Ooh, sick burn. [Chuckles and leaves]
...
**** this. Let me borrow your car.
You're supposed to be working.
I got to get out of here for a few minutes.
