Well, I don't know about this, Randal. I mean, how do we know this isn't a hoax? Like, were there any pictures on the Web site?
Strangely, no. But if you've seen pics of one chick sucking off a donkey, you've seen them all.
Well, what if you haven't ever seen pics of anything like that?
Well, then you must be as blind as Anne Frank. 'Cause what's the point in having an Internet connection if you're not using it to look at weird, ****-up pictures of dirty sex you'll never have yourself?
...
[Elias steps out of his mother's vehicle, kisses her on the lips and enters the restaurant]
Holy shit. You know, I've never pieced this together until right now. You're a virgin, aren't you?
You know I have a girlfriend, Randal.
Oh, yeah. What's her name again?
You made her up, didn't you? That name sounds so made-up.
Seriously, Elias, have you and Myra had sex yet?
Well, that's just kind of personal, Randal.
Come on! I tell you about my sex life all the time. I let you smell my fingers after I **** Taton Weathers' kid sister in the office that one time, didn't I?
You kind of made me smell your fingers.
Maybe you just don't like the pussy. Maybe you're all about the ****.
No, no, I like the pussy.
So come on. Did Myra ever give you a crack at her crack or what?
Well, not that it's any of your business, Randal, but she can't.
Why? Jesus, Elias, come on. You got to start trusting me more. Because once Dante's gone, you're gonna be my new best friend.
Who the **** else am I gonna hang out with? It's gonna be you and me, buddy. So come on. You got to start trusting me more. Open up and tell me shit. Like why haven't you **** Myra yet?
[Sighs]
Well, we can't because of Pillow Pants.
What the ****'s Pillow Pants?
Pillow Pants is a little troll who lives in her pussy. Pillow Pants is her pussy troll. Duh. You know how every girl's parents put a pussy troll in them when the girls are young to keep them from having premarital sex?
Well, Myra's is named Pillow Pants. And so, even though she totally wants to have sex with me, Myra says if I put my thing in her, Pillow Pants will bite it off. So I got to wait until Pillow Pants gets peed out of her body on her 21st birthday before we can have sex.
Boyfriends and girlfriends talk to each other about sex stuff, Randal. You'd know this if you ever had a girlfriend.
Have you and Myra even kissed yet?
We would have already, if it wasn't for Lister Fiend.
Lister Fiend is her mouth troll, isn't it?
You are never gonna believe what Elias just told me.
[Motions head to front]
Look who it is, Randal.
Lance Randal Graves. You work here, too? Jesus. Anyone else from our graduating class back there?
Well, well, well... Pickle ****.
Lance Man, look at you two fun-ployees. Nothing's changed. You know, I'll bet dollars to donuts, when you two aren't fighting about who shit first, Han or Greedo, you can still muster up enough energy to make fun of other people.
Yeah. So hurry up and order and get out of here, so we can make fun of you.
Lance Oh, I don't know if you're in a position to make fun of anyone anymore, Graves. flipping burgers? Before that, I'd heard it was the Quick Stop for, what, like, ten years?
We can't all be Internet millionaires.
Who's an Internet millionaire?
Elias, this is Lance Dowds. We went to high school together. A few years ago, he built a search engine which compiles the lowest prices of merchandise you can buy online. You might have heard of it... MadDucketts.com.
Didn't that just sell to Amazon for, like, 20 million bucks?
Yeah, but back before he was the Mad Ducketts guy, he was just Pickle ****. You see, freshman year, the seniors would hunt us down and put us through what they called initiations. They'd stuff us into lockers or throw us in the girls' shower room naked. But Lance here got the worst of it. The seniors yanked down his pants, and shoved a pickle up his ass, and made him walk ten feet. The pickle fell out before he hit the ten-foot mark. He had to take a bite of it, reinsert it and walk again.
Yeah, but don't worry... he made it. His pickle was small enough to stay wedged after only four bites.
Lance I'll bet you're the only guy in the world who still remembers that, Graves.
Oh, I bet you still remember it pretty vividly... Pickle ****er.
Do you have any interest in building the ultimate fan site for both The Lord of the Rings and The Transformers? Because I'd moderate it for free.
Ease up, Pillow Pants. The dude's not into your D&D, GoBots bullshit.
Lance Whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't insult the guy. The GoBots are like the Kmart of Transformers.
Thank you! I keep telling them that.
Lance Here, here's my e-mail address. Drop me a line with some of your ideas.
Lance Okay, let's see. What do I want? Uh... how about a Skinny Calf with cheese and a Diet Coke?
I'll get your order. [Puts dead flies burger, puts urinal ice in drink and hands order to Lance] Here you go.
Lance Well, that was fast.
Lance Thanks.
[Enters]
Yo, let's wrap this up so I can get my Cow Tipper on.
Lance You know what? [Hands order to Jay-Jay] Take mine. [To Randal] Something tells me I'm not gonna like it, am I?
[Takes order from Lance]
Wow, thanks, Pickle ****er. [Leaves] Yo, so Pickle **** gave us free eats!
Lance You know, I don't eat fast food. It's not good for you. But when I heard you guys were actually working here, well, I just had to see it for myself. It's kind of nice having that kind of free time. Just like it's kind of comforting to know that some things never change. Take care, clerks. [Imitates guns] Ooh, sick burn. [Chuckles and leaves]
...
**** this. Let me borrow your car.
You're supposed to be working.
I got to get out of here for a few minutes.
I don't mind people snickering at the stupid uniform I've got to wear. But I'll be damned if I'm gonna let some self-righteous, lucky turd come in here and treat me and Dante like we're a couple of **** porch monkeys.
Randal! [To black female patron] Uh, I'm- I'm sorry.
BF Black female patron
He... He didn't really just say what I think he said.
What the **** is wrong with you?!
BF Black female patron
I want my money back right now.
Of course. Um, you know what? Here, take this on us.
BF Black female patron
Oh, no, no, no. I'm not eating something that was cooked by some cracker-ass hate-monger.
Black female patron's husband: I will. Baby, you can't taste racism.
What racism? Porch monkeys?!
BF Black female patron
You little mother...
Black female patron's husband: Calm down, champ. It ain't worth it.
BF Black female patron
You're lucky my husband doesn't jump across this counter and knock your teeth in.
Why?
Black female patron's husband: Yeah, baby, why? I mean, ain't like he called us porch monkeys. [Wife starts slapping him] Hey, hey! Baby, stop hitting on me! See, the judge told you about that. You got to stop putting your hands on people.
Here, take this. This is your money. Please, take the food on us. We're sorry.
BF Black female patron
Oh, uh-uh. I'm gonna write to the paper about this, and all y'all getting fired up in here. Jesus!
Black female patron's husband: I'm gonna take the food. Thank you very much. [Wife throws it on ground] Damn! ****' porch monkey...
Thanks. Come again.
Black female patron's husband: Don't leave me, baby!
Are you out of your **** mind?!
What?! What's the big deal? Since when is it a crime to say porch monkey?
Oh, since, I don't know, forever?!
Because porch monkey is a racial slur against black people!
Did Mr. Randal just call Mr. Dante a ****?
I didn't just call Dante a ****, I just said that **** is a racial slur.
Oh, it is not! Coon, spook, spade, moolie, jigaboo, nig-nog; those are racial slurs. Porch monkey is not.
I'm going to pretend that this conversation didn't happen. Elias, go pick up that **** mess. [points at Randal] And you are this close to getting shit-canned! Shoot me now! [storms off]
What are you doing? Are you trying to get fired?
Since when did porch monkey become a racial slur?
When ignorant racists started using it 100 years ago!
Oh, bullshit. My grandmother used to call me a porch monkey all the time when I was a kid because I'd sit on the porch and stare at my neighbors.
Despite the fact that your grandmother used it as a term of endearment for you, it's still a racial slur. It would be like your grandmother calling you a little ****.
Oh, it is not. Besides, my grandmother had nothing but the utmost respect for the Jewish community. She used to tell me to always be nice to the Jewish kids, or they'd put the sheenie curse on me.
Sheenie is a racial slur, too!
Well, she never called any Jews sheenies, she just said "sheenie curse" a lot. It was cute.
It wasn't cute, it was racist!
I disagree, man. She was just an old-timer. That's the way people talked back then. It didn't mean they were racists. [thinks for a moment] But my grandmother did refer to a broken beer bottle once as a **** knife. [Dante is flabbergasted] You know, come to think of it, my grandmother was kind of a racist.
Well, I still don't think that porch monkey should be considered a racial term. I've always used it to describe lazy people, not lazy black people. I think if we really tried, we could take back porch monkey and save it.
[Fed up]
It can't be saved, Randal. The sole purpose for its creation, the only reason it exists in the first place, is to disparage an entire race. And even if it could be saved, you couldn't save it because you're not black!
Well, listen to you--telling me I can't do something because of the color of my skin. You're the racist, man!
'[Dante and Randal are arguing about a wheelchair-bound person Randal is trolling online]
This guy found a way to reach out to a world he feels isolated from, and you found a way to take issue with it.
Have you become so embittered that you feel the need to attack the handicapped?
What "handicapped"? He's just in a wheelchair. It's not like he's Anne Frank or something.
Yeah, Anne Frank. The chick who was all [idiot voice] "duhhh!" until the Miracle Worker showed up and knocked some smarts into her.
You're talking about Helen Keller.
No, I'm not. I'm talking about Anne Frank. She was deaf, dumb, and blind.
No, she wasn't! Helen Keller was deaf, dumb, and blind.
Then who the **** is Anne Frank?
Anne Frank was the little Jewish girl who hid from the Nazis in a little room with her family. She wrote a diary.
Oh, yeah. Well then, I guess this guy is like Anne Frank, what with the diary and all.
[exasperated]
No, he's like Helen Keller, with the handicap!
You alway gotta be right, don't you, you Nazi douchebag?
Since when is it a crime to say p***h m***ey?
Oh, since, I don't know, forever?!
Because p***h m***ey is a racial slur against black people!
Did Mr. Randal just call Mr. Dante a ****?
I didn't just call Dante a ****, I just said that **** is a racial slur.
Oh, it is not! C**n, sp**k, sp*de, m**lie, j***boo, n**-n*g—those are racial slurs. P***h m***ey is not.
I'm going to pretend that this conversation didn't happen. Elias, go pick up that **** mess. [points at Randal] And you are this close to getting shit-canned! Shoot me now! [storms off]
What are you doing? Are you trying to get fired?
Since when did p***h m***ey become a racial slur?
When ignorant racists started using it 100 years ago!
Oh, bullshit. My grandmother used to call me a p***h m***ey all the time when I was a kid because I'd sit on the porch and stare at my neighbors.
Despite the fact that your grandmother used it as a term of endearment for you, it's still a racial slur. It would be like your grandmother calling you a little ****.
Oh, it is not. Besides, my grandmother had nothing but the utmost respect for the Jewish community. She used to tell me to always be nice to the Jewish kids, or they'd put the sh***ie curse on me.
Sh***ie is a racial slur, too!
Well, she never called any Jews sh***ies, she just said "sh***ie curse" a lot. It was cute.
It wasn't cute, it was racist!
I disagree, man. She was just an old-timer. That's the way people talked back then. It didn't mean they were racists. [thinks for a moment] But my grandmother did refer to a broken beer bottle once as a **** knife.
[Dante is flabbergasted]
You know, come to think of it, my grandmother was kind of a racist.
Well, I still don't think that p***h m***ey should be considered a racial term. I've always used it to describe lazy people, not lazy black people. I think if we really tried, we could take back porch monkey and save it.
[fed up]
It can't be saved, Randal. The sole purpose for its creation, the only reason it exists in the first place, is to disparage an entire race. And even if it could be saved, you couldn't save it because you're not black!
Well, listen to you--telling me I can't do something because of the color of my skin. You're the racist, man!
Dude, The Transformers sucked.
Oh, no they didn't. They were more than meets the eye. They could beat the pants off Ranger Danger any day.
Yeah, I'll lose sleep wondering whether you're right about that or not. Thought you weren't allowed to watch a lot of TV in your house 'cause you're all Christian and shit.
Well, as it turns out, cars and trucks that turn into robots aren't really that blasphemous because my pastor says that machines can turn into other machines and it's not a slight against God.
Dude, the Transformers were a total slight against God, in as much as God sent His only begotten Son to die on the cross to redeem mankind and all we did to pay Him back was make terrible **** cartoons like the Transformers.
(pause)
Nice shot. Well, see... At Bible Camp, we made a flow chart. Since God created man, and man created the Transformers, the Transformers are like a gift from God, Randal!
No sir. They are not a gift from God. They are an unholy curse from the beast we call the Desolate One. (voice deepens, walks slowly towards Elias)
I really don't wanna hear this, Randal. (reaches for head phones trying to ignore Randal)
The first of the fallen. The spoiler of virgins. The MASTER of abortions!.
You know I don't like to talk about dark forces, Randal! (puts on the head phones)
(grabbing drive-thru microphone and singing)
Let me help you out of your chair, Grandma! Grandma!
(shows up in window)
Grandma what was it like?! To be on that holiday site!
I awoke from my sleep! Hearing!
Unknown! Voices! Laughing insane! (Pushing Elias back and forth between Randal and Jay)
HF Hobbit Fan
[A customer approaches Elias at the counter]
Hey, man.
[Elias changes hats before taking the customer's order]
Welcome to Mooby's. May I take your order?
HF Hobbit Fan
Yeah, um... see... give me one Udderly Delicious Moolkshake, a Skinny Calf, and an order of onion rings. Thanks.
[Elias keys in the order]
One ring to rule them all.
HF Hobbit Fan
[Surprised look on the customer's face]
One ring to find them.
[Elias pulls out his ring hanging on his necklace]
One ring to bring them all.
HF Hobbit Fan
And in the darkness, bind them.
[Customer pulls out his ring from his pocket]
Yes!
[Exchanges high-five with customer]
How many times?
HF Hobbit Fan
Well, um, three for Fellowship, two for Towers, four for Return.
[Randal walks by them]
All right, look... There's only one Return, OK? And it ain't of the King, it's of the Jedi.
HF Hobbit Fan
Oh... Star Wars geek.
Oh, I'm the geek? Look at you two whipping out your "preciouses".
You'll have to excuse him. He's not down with the trilogy.
Oh, what the **** happened to this world? There's only one trilogy, you **** morons.
HF Hobbit fan
You know what? Maybe we should start calling your friend "Padme", because he loves Mannequin Skywalker so much, right? Hey - [impersonating a robot] Danger! Danger! My name is Anakin! My shitty acting is ruining saga!
Yeah, you're crazy, Jar Jar!
I'm crazy? Those **** Hobbit movies were boring as hell. All it was was a bunch of people walking. Three movies of people walking through a **** volcano. Here's the first movie...
[Randal jumps off the counter and walks slowly with his mouth open before walking back to the counter]
And here's the second movie...
HF Hobbit Fan
[Randal does the same walk, except that midway, he sidesteps to the left and looks down before walking back to the counter]
He is way off. Loser.
You ready for the third movie?
CA Customer A
[Randal does the same walk, but stops, looks down, pretends to pull a ring from his finger and drops it as two other customers watch him while eating]
**** A.
Even the **** trees walked in those movies.
HF Hobbit Fan
You know what? I've had enough of you. Your simplistic analysis of the trilogy aside, The Lord of the Rings was a massive achievement. And even the Academy recognized them that they gave Peter Jackson the Best Directing Oscar - an award your little friend George "Toy Boy" Lucas has never--and will never--win. Bones.
[Exchanges fist salute with Elias]
Oh, sick burn.
Let me tell you something. If Peter Jackson really wanted to blow me away with those Rings movies, he would've ended the third one on a logical closure point. Not the 25 endings that followed.
What's the logical closure point?
HF Hobbit Fan
Yeah, friend. Enlighten us.
When **** Frodo wakes up from his little coma or whatever and the little Hobbits are jumping up and down on his bed. And Sam leans in the doorway and gives him that very **** gay look.
Not the Rings Randal. Say what you will about Jesus, but leave the Rings out of this.
HF Hobbit Fan
I ought to kick your ass back to the shire if you don't shut your **** mouth.
That look was so gay, I thought Sam was gonna tell the little hobbits to take a walk, so he could saunter over to Frodo and suck his **** ****. Now that would've been an Academy Award-worthy ending.
HF Hobbit Fan
Hey! ****! They're not gay! They're Hobbits.
And then right after the Sam/Frodo suck-fest, right before the credits roll, Sam **** flat-out bricks in Frodo's mouth.
HF Hobbit Fan
I swear... **** you...!
[Hobbit fan suddenly vomits. Randal runs to the manager's office, laughing.]
I made fun of The Lord of the Rings so hard, it made some super geek puke all over the counter. Where do we keep the mop and bucket so I can have Elias clean it up?
