N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z #

[A customer approaches Elias at the counter]
Hobbit Fan: Hey, man.
[Elias changes hats before taking the customer's order]
Elias: Welcome to Mooby's. May I take your order?
Hobbit Fan: Yeah, um... see... give me one Udderly Delicious Moolkshake, a Skinny Calf, and an order of onion rings. Thanks.
[Elias keys in the order]
Elias: One ring to rule them all.
[Surprised look on the customer's face]
Hobbit Fan: One ring to find them.
Randal: Oh, Jesus.
[Elias pulls out his ring hanging on his necklace]
Elias: One ring to bring them all.
Hobbit Fan: And in the darkness, bind them.
[Customer pulls out his ring from his pocket]
Elias: Yes!
Hobbit Fan: Dude!
[Exchanges high-five with customer]
Elias: How many times?
Hobbit Fan: Well, um, three for Fellowship, two for Towers, four for Return.
Elias: Five for Return.
[Randal walks by them]
Randal: All right, look... There's only one Return, OK? And it ain't of the King, it's of the Jedi.
Hobbit Fan: Oh... Star Wars geek.
Randal: Oh, I'm the geek? Look at you two whipping out your "preciouses".
Elias: You'll have to excuse him. He's not down with the trilogy.
Randal: Oh, what the **** happened to this world? There's only one trilogy, you ****ing morons.
Hobbit fan: You know what? Maybe we should start calling your friend "Padme", because he loves Mannequin Skywalker so much, right? Hey - [impersonating a robot] Danger! Danger! My name is Anakin! My shitty acting is ruining saga!
Elias: Yeah, you're crazy, Jar Jar!
Randal: I'm crazy? Those ****ing Hobbit movies were boring as hell. All it was was a bunch of people walking. Three movies of people walking through a ****ing volcano. Here's the first movie...
[Randal jumps off the counter and walks slowly with his mouth open before walking back to the counter]
Randal: And here's the second movie...
[Randal does the same walk, except that midway, he sidesteps to the left and looks down before walking back to the counter]
Hobbit Fan: He is way off. Loser.
Randal: You ready for the third movie?
[Randal does the same walk, but stops, looks down, pretends to pull a ring from his finger and drops it as two other customers watch him while eating]
Customer A: ****ing A.
Randal: Even the ****ing trees walked in those movies.
Hobbit Fan: You know what? I've had enough of you. Your simplistic analysis of the trilogy aside, The Lord of the Rings was a massive achievement. And even the Academy recognized them that they gave Peter Jackson the Best Directing Oscar - an award your little friend George "Toy Boy" Lucas has never--and will never--win. Bones.
[Exchanges fist salute with Elias]
Elias: Oh, sick burn.
Randal: Let me tell you something. If Peter Jackson really wanted to blow me away with those Rings movies, he would've ended the third one on a logical closure point. Not the 25 endings that followed.
Elias: What's the logical closure point?
Hobbit Fan: Yeah, friend. Enlighten us.
Randal: When ****ing Frodo wakes up from his little coma or whatever and the little Hobbits are jumping up and down on his bed. And Sam leans in the doorway and gives him that very ****ing gay look.
Elias: Not the Rings Randal. Say what you will about Jesus, but leave the Rings out of this.
Hobbit Fan: I ought to kick your ass back to the shire if you don't shut your ****ing mouth.
Randal: That look was so gay, I thought Sam was gonna tell the little hobbits to take a walk, so he could saunter over to Frodo and suck his ****ing ****. Now that would've been an Academy Award-worthy ending.
Hobbit Fan: Hey! ****! They're not gay! They're Hobbits.
Randal: And then right after the Sam/Frodo suck-fest, right before the credits roll, Sam ****ing flat-out bricks in Frodo's mouth.
Hobbit Fan: I swear... **** you...!
[Hobbit fan suddenly vomits. Randal runs to the manager's office, laughing.]
Randal: I made fun of The Lord of the Rings so hard, it made some super geek puke all over the counter. Where do we keep the mop and bucket so I can have Elias clean it up?

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