Jay Fly fatass, fly!
Played by Jason Mewes 
Mallrats (1995) · 80 quotes
Mallrats (1995) · 80 quotes
3rd most-quoted character in Mallrats (1995): in 17 of its 80 quotes
Most scenes with: Brodie Bruce (4), T.S. Quinn (4)
First you take a run at La Fours with a sock full of quarters. I'd do it, but I put my back out humping your mom last night. Nooch. Okay, you clock him on his headpiece and knock his ass out cold. That's when phase two kicks in. I attack the structure Wolvie Berserk style, and knock out the **** pin and bickety-bam! The mother****er is rubble. Hence, no game show.
More lines from Jay
10 quotes Jay Jay [To Silent Bob]
Where do you get these wonderful toys?
Jay What you need is a fatty-boom-batty blunt, and I guarantee you'll be seeing a sailboat, an ocean, and maybe even some of those big-titted mermaids doing some of that lesbian shit. Look at me, look at me, you sloppy bitch!
Jay [after hitting La Fours over the head with a baseball bat]
Come, son of Jor-El! Kneel before Zod! Snootchie-bootchies. Ha-ha-ha-ha!
Jay Silent Bob here's an electrical genius. He won the science fair in eighth grade by turning his mom's vibrator into a CD player using some chicken wire and shit. The mother****er's like MacGyver--no, the mother****er's better than MacGyver.
Jay [Shows a Hustler spread to Silent Bob]
Dude, this one looks like your mom. [Silent Bob nods]
Jay Dude, you the mad chick magnet.
Jay [Explaining the details of Operation Dark Knight to Silent Bob]
Okay, Lunch Box, let's try this again. We tie you to the roof and you jump off and sail like a Spitfire passing right over the arch nemesis La Fours. You then swing up to the stage and knock out the pin. And when that's gone, the stage is trashed and we go smoke a bowl. You got it? Now get your fat ass up there. And dude, don't forget your helmet. Snoogins.
Jay [referencing Silent Bob]
Human brown-eye here is a walking calamity. We're gonna have to take a pass on the stage-trashing business, otherwise he's liable to kill himself. Sorry, bro.
Jay That guy's faster than Walt Flanigan's Dog!
Scenes with Jay
6 scenes Jay Shit Head here watched Empire and Jedi last week and ever since then, he's been trying to do the Jedi mind trick. The crazy **** thinks he can levitate shit with his thoughts.
Jay [slaps the cigarette out of Silent Bob's hand]
Knock it off.
The Force is strong with this one.
Jay Dude, don't encourage him.
So, I was just telling T.S. here that we needed to find Jay and Silent Bob. If there's anybody who can help us, it's the two guys who have even less to do than us.
Jay What is this shit? Everybody's looking for us today. We're ducking Tricia 'cause she wants to talk to Obi-Wan here about a video setup.
Why him?
Jay Silent Bob's an electrical genius. He won the science fair in the fourth grade by turning his mom's vibrator into a CD player using some chicken wire and shit. Mother****er's like McGyver--no, mother****er's better than McGyver! [he knocks the cigarette from Silent Bob's hand again] Knock it off!
Jay Look who you're asking!
Jesus, how much did you smoke?
Jay All it took was a phat, chronic blunt. These guys were lightweights.
How much do I owe you?
Jay My treat. As long as you promise that the next time you pop your old lady, you make her call you "Jay." Snootchie Bootchies.
Let's hope there is a next time.
Jay You're **** kidding me! The Easter bunny did this?!
All I said was that the Easter bunny at the Menlo Park mall was more convincing and he just jumped the railing and knocked me down.
Jay He's **** dead!
Oh, let it go, he's under a lot of pressure.
Jay The guy in the Easter bunny suit kicked his ass.
I had it coming.
Jay **** all that shit. Come on, Silent Bob.
The proprietor of Fashionable Male beat a rain check into my stomach.
Gwen Shannon Hamilton?
You know that guy?
Gwen I went out with him once after we dated. He tried to screw me some place very uncomfortable.
What? Like the back of a Volkswagen?
Sounds like his M.O.
You know about this game show they got going on here? We need you guys to somehow ensure that it doesn't happen.
Jay Is that it? We were gonna do that anyway.
Really? Why?
Jay What else are we gonna do? Silent Bob stole the schematics from some foolish carpenter and found a weakness just like the **** Death Star. You knock this crossbeam out and **** bickety-bam! The whole stage comes crashing down.
Well we were thinking of something simple, but, hey, if you want to destroy the stage, we're all for that.
[the videotape of Shannon back-dooring Tricia is playing on the big screen, with cheesy 70s porno music in background]
Yeah, who's your favorite new kid? Yeah, call me Joey. Oh, come on. Don't make me get loose. Yeah, that's right. Call me Donnie. Oh, girl. Oh, please don't go girl.
Jay God damn, This is one wacky game show.
[cops focus their attention on Shannon]
Ah, 15? I thought she was 36! Come on, guys. Tell me you wouldn't have popped her.
