Gill quotes from Mallrats (1995)

Brandi

Second suitor, would you ever make whoopee in public?

Brodie

Already did once today. [points to Rene and smirks] But my cousin Walter jerked off in public once. True story. He was on a plane to New Mexico when all of the sudden the hydraulics went. The plane started spinning around, going out of control. So he decides it's all over and whips it out and starts beating it right there. So all the other passengers take a cue from him and they start whipping it out and beating like mad. So all the passengers are beating off, plummeting to their certain doom, when all of the sudden, the hydraulics kick back in, and the plane rights itself. It lands safely and everyone puts their pieces or, whatever you know, away and deboard. Nobody mentions the phenomenon to anyone else.

Gill

Well, did he ****, or what?

Brodie

Jesus Christ, man! There's just some things you don't talk about in public!

Brandi

Suitor Number Three, is your kiss like a soft breeze, a firm handshake, or a jackhammer?

Gill

Definitely a jackhammer. I'm in there with some pressure, and when I'm done you're not the same as before. You're changed.

Brodie

Where do you come up with this shit?! That is the cheesiest response to an honest question I've ever heard! I saw you kiss and it wasn't even anything like that!

Gill

Who the hell did you see me kiss?

Brodie

Some dude backstage. I don't know who he was, but he seemed unimpressed.

Gill

I didn't kiss any guy backstage. I swear! I'm not gay.

Brodie

Hey, suitor-ette, this guy's a homophobe! You heard how repulsed he sounded! Is this the kind of guy you wanna spend a vacation with, this hate-monger?

Gill

I don't hate gay people!

Brodie

So you love them?

Gill

Yes! I mean, no.

Brodie

Textbook closet case. Self-loather. Can't be comfortable with his own sexuality.

Shannon

That's it. You're dead, mallrat. I'm gonna **** you up beyond repair!

Brodie

Ladies and gentlemen, this tall drink of water headed my way is a pillar of the shopping community who informed me earlier today of a nefarious plan of his to screw my girlfriend in an extremely uncomfortable place.

Gill

What, like the back of a Volkswagen?