T.S. Quinn
You're nothing but a lot of talk and a badge! (reference to The Untouchables)
2nd most-quoted character in Mallrats (1995): in 22 of its 80 quotes
Most scenes with: Brodie Bruce (16), Jay (4)
How is it that I go from the verge of hot Floridian sex with Brandi to Man of Steel coital debates with you in the food court?
More lines from T.S. Quinn
2 quotes
T.S. Quinn
[referencing Trisha]
How does that Jr. Masters in Johnson know about my proposal?
Scenes with T.S. Quinn
19 scenes
Listen to the sound of defeat in your voice man!
T.S.
Might that have something to do with the fact that I've been defeated?
T.S.
What? Do you know that kid or something?
I hope his pants get caught and a bloodbath ensues!
T.S.
What is with you today?
Don't get me wrong, I don't wish the kid harm, but his mother should suffer that horrific ordeal so she'll learn how to manage her child!
T.S.
That's sort of a harsh lesson, don't you think?
Man, there's not a year goes by--not a year--that I don't read about some escalator accident involving some bastard kid that could've easily been avoided had some parent--I don't care which one--but some parent conditioned him to fear and respect that escalator!
That kid is back on the escalator again!
T.S.
Would you leave it alone?
What?!
My grandmother always used to say "Why buy the cow, when you can get the sex for free?"
T.S.
She said that?
All the time. Of course, she became a lesbian on her 60th birthday, but that's besides the point.
Steve-Dave Pulasti I was warned about you. Take it easy before I have you removed from the mall.
Warned?! What the **** are you talking about?!
Walt "Fanboy" Grover
Tell him, Steve-Dave.
**** you, Fan Boy!
T.S.
Can you two testosterone-seething, he-man, comic book fans finish up with this display of tough guy back-and-forth? I have some questions that need answering.
The usual vault rules apply: Touch not, lest ye be touched.
T.S.
You're such an anal retentive bastard.
Hey, I tried to teach you how to handle comics in the sixth grade, but, oh, no. You wanted to play little league instead.
T.S.
[T.S. notices something on a table]
What's that?
Like it? I framed it before you got here.
T.S.
Oh my God, Rene dumped you!
Hell hath no fear like a woman scorned for Sega.
T.S.
Wow, look at this long list of complaints; no sense of direction, no college ambition, no job prospect--
Yeah, and it also says I have no dick, but you'll see that follows the financial aspect which proves once more what women really look for in a guy.
T.S.
Whoa, she calls you callow in here.
You say that like it's bad.
T.S.
Well, it means frightened and weak-willed.
Really? Shit, that was the only part of the letter that I thought was complimentary.
T.S.
Well, you're lucky, because unlike you, I didn't get a letter with all those obscure adjectives.
What are you talking about?
T.S.
Just like you, now I'm in the framing business.
Holy shit, Brandi dumped you. Wait a sec. Aren't you two supposed to be going to Florida together?
T.S.
Yeah, she left this morning, but it gets worse; I was going to propose to her.
Where?
T.S.
Universal tour.
You're kidding! What part?
T.S.
When Jaws popped out of the water.
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard.
T.S.
Too bad I'm not trying to marry you.
Tell me, did you ever fart in front of her?
T.S.
[scoffs]
Why do you ask?
I never farted in front of Rene. Not once. Last week, I let one slip and today she dumps me.
T.S.
You think that's the reason she dumped you? C'mon, Rene's not the shallow type. You're not insinuating--
She was going down on me at the time.
T.S.
Shut up.
What? What can I say, I was feeling very relaxed, when I feel relaxed I squirt.
T.S.
If all she did was dump you, you got off light.
I can't believe this shit. Why are we sitting here trying to figure out where we went wrong with our significant others?
T.S.
[sarcastically]
We just nailed it in your case.
No, there is something out there that can help us ease our simultaneous double loss.
T.S.
What? Ritual suicide?
No, you idiot, the **** mall!
T.S.
I prefer ritual suicide.
Oh come on, man, it'll be great. They have these new cookies at the cookie stand. You have to try 'em, they're awesome.
Look, if I had any kind of glow it's because I just got laid. I would look the same had I banged anyone in that elevator... present company excluded.
T.S.
Deny it all you want. I think that you're too proud to admit that you want her back.
I suddenly want something very bad to happen to you.
T.S.
What is with you today?
T.S.
[Gwen suddenly approaches T.S. from behind and accidentally elbows her in her chest and she falls to the ground in pain]
Gwen! I'm sorry, I didn't--
Gwen You ****er!
[In retaliation, Gwen hits T.S. in the groin with her shopping bag and he goes down]
See, that's what you get for **** with me. [Gwen gets up and Brodie kicks T.S. while he's still down] Hey, Gwen. He didn't mean to hit you.
Gwen He's got a funny way of showing it by elbowing me in my freaking tit. [she also kicks T.S.] Why the hell are you glowing?
I'm not glowing.
T.S.
[Silent Bob is trying to levitate a cigarette]
What's he doing?
Shit Head here watched Empire and Jedi last week and ever since then, he's been trying to do the Jedi mind trick. The crazy **** thinks he can levitate shit with his thoughts.
The Force is strong with this one.
Dude, don't encourage him.
So, I was just telling T.S. here that we needed to find Jay and Silent Bob. If there's anybody who can help us, it's the two guys who have even less to do than us.
What is this shit? Everybody's looking for us today. We're ducking Tricia 'cause she wants to talk to Obi-Wan here about a video setup.
Why him?
Silent Bob's an electrical genius. He won the science fair in the fourth grade by turning his mom's vibrator into a CD player using some chicken wire and shit. Mother****er's like McGyver--no, mother****er's better than McGyver! [he knocks the cigarette from Silent Bob's hand again] Knock it off!
T.S.
I got to hit the bathroom.
Please. Don't say "hit"!
T.S.
But they're engaged.
Doesn't matter, it can't happen.
T.S.
Why not? It's bound to come up.
It's impossible. Lois could never have Superman's baby. Do you think her fallopian tubes could handle the sperm? I guarantee you he blows a load like a shotgun right through her back. What about her womb? Do you think it's strong enough to carry his child?
T.S.
Sure, why not?
He's an alien, for Christ's sake. His Kryptonian biological makeup is enhanced by Earth's yellow sun. If Lois gets a tan the kid could kick right through her stomach. Only someone like Wonder Woman has a strong enough uterus to carry his kid. The only way he could bang regular chicks is with a kryptonite condom. But that would kill him.
T.S.
How is it that I go from the verge of hot Floridian sex with Brandi to Man of Steel coital debates with you in the food court?
Cookie stand isn't part of the food court.
T.S.
Of course it is.
The food court is downstairs. The cookie stand is upstairs. It not like we're talking quantum physics here.
T.S.
The cookie stands counts as an eatery, eateries are part of the food court.
Bullshit. Eateries that operate within the designated square downstairs count as food court. Anything outside of said designated square counts as an autonomous unit for mid-mall snacking. Now, if you're going to wax intellectual about the subject-- [notices Rene at the clothing store] Holy shit!
T.S.
Neither does any self-respecting consumer.
Ivannah Free your minds.
I'd like to free something.
Ivannah ****us.
That's what I was thinking.
T.S.
She said "focus".
Whatever.
T.S.
[to Jay and Silent Bob]
You two up for getting stoned?
Look who you're asking!
T.S.
You should see yourself right now: a grown man with his hand down his pants.
Yeah, I probably look like my old man.
You're giving up? You? You used to be stand-up guy, what happened to him? The guy who punched Amanda's gross-out mother after she called him "low class".
T.S.
That wasn't me. It was you.
Oh, yeah.
T.S.
And it wasn't her mother, it was her grandmother.
No wonder the bitch went down so fast.
T.S.
Jesus, how much did you smoke?
All it took was a phat, chronic blunt. These guys were lightweights.
T.S.
How much do I owe you?
My treat. As long as you promise that the next time you pop your old lady, you make her call you "Jay." Snootchie Bootchies.
T.S.
Let's hope there is a next time.
You're **** kidding me! The Easter bunny did this?!
All I said was that the Easter bunny at the Menlo Park mall was more convincing and he just jumped the railing and knocked me down.
He's **** dead!
Oh, let it go, he's under a lot of pressure.
T.S.
[T.S. and Gwen approach them]
What the hell happened?
The guy in the Easter bunny suit kicked his ass.
I had it coming.
**** all that shit. Come on, Silent Bob.
T.S.
[Jay and Silent Bob leave]
What really happened?
The proprietor of Fashionable Male beat a rain check into my stomach.
Gwen Shannon Hamilton?
T.S.
You know that guy?
Gwen I went out with him once after we dated. He tried to screw me some place very uncomfortable.
T.S.
What? Like the back of a Volkswagen?
Sounds like his M.O.
T.S.
Haven't you ever heard the phrase "The customer is always right?"
Let me tell you something. Let me give you a little secret, okay? [shouts in T.S.'s ear] The customer is always an asshole!
T.S.
How easily do you quit? Say you wind up with one of us?
Hopefully not Rush Limbaugh over here.
Well, now, I'm not like Rush Limbaugh.
Well, why not? Because he's fat? Now you have something against fat people, too?
