Ted quotes from Ted (2012)

Ted

Oh, come on! I do not sound that much like Peter Griffin!

Ted

Stick your finger in the loop of my tag!

Ted

Merry Christmas, Everybody!

So, you think you got what it takes?

Ted

I'll tell you what I got; your wife's pussy on my breath!

Nobody's ever talked to me like that before.

Ted

That's 'cause everyone's mouth is usually full of your wife's box!

You're hired.

Ted

Shit!

You had sexual intercourse with a co-worker on top of the produce that we sell to the public?

Ted

I **** her with a parsnip last week. And I sold the parsnip to a family of four small children.

That took guts. We need guts. I'm promoting you.

Ted

You've got a lot of problems, don't you?

Ted

If you can punch through this wall, you really are Flash Gordon.

Are you gonna do it?

Sam

I'm gonna punch through!

Ted

Come on Sam! Do it!!

Ted

There you are, John. There's some guy in your office is making out with that Van Wielder looking guy.

You know what, **** you. I don't even wanna talk to you!

Ted

What?

Do you what just happened? Do you have any clue? My **** life just ended!

Ted

Oh come on. She'll go home watching Bridget Jones something asshole. You'll talk to her tomorrow. Come on upstairs.

Are you even listening to me?! DID YOU GIVE ANY SHRED OF A SHIT?!?

Ted

...Course I do, John. Thunder Buddies for life, remember?

Ted

I saw Lori leaving the apartment with Rex.

What?

Ted

I'm serious, John. I went over to talk to her and maybe take some of the heat off you, and there he was, picking her up. They were going to the Hatch Shell.

You're **** unbelievable, you know that? I mean, how stupid do you think I am? If you think, by making shit like that up, you're gonna make me choose some kind of loyalty to you over her, you're out of your **** mind...

Ted

Johnny, it's the truth, I'm telling you.

You know what? Get outta here...

Ted

You're acting like a ****, you know that?

What now?! I'm acting like a ****?!

Ted

Yes, you are. So shut your meat hole for a second and listen to me.

Huh?

Ted

Meat hole. No, that's not right, is it? No. Pudding hole? Is that what they say? No, that can't be that either right? Because, "'cause how can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat?!" Heh, Pink Floyd. Look, the point is you're blaming me for something that you did to yourself. Lori was right about you. You cannot take responsibility for anything that goes on in your life.

Oh, and you can?

Ted

I don't have to! I'm a **** teddy bear! You know something? I didn't tie you up and drag you to that party. Alright? I wanted you to come because you're supposedly my best friend!

You can't stand there and say you haven't always seen Lori as a threat to our friendship! I mean, it works out so much better for you when you and I are getting **** up on the couch at 9 AM, doesn't it?!

Ted

Listen to yourself! What am I, Emperor Ming here controlling your mind? That's your choice, John! And you know, by blaming me, you're just making yourself look like a pussy.

You know, sometimes I think back to that Christmas morning when I was 8 years old, I wish I just got a Teddy Ruxpin.

Ted

Say that one more time.

TEDDY-RUX-****-PIN!

Ted

Why you crying?

My dick is squished by the TV.

Donny

Your mine Ted?

Ted

Screw you pal, I belong to John Bennett!

Donny

But B can give you love and rocking horses, and dancing.

Ted

I think we're very far apart on this.

Ted

I'm alive, Johnny!

Oh, my god!

Ted

I'm alive! Your magical wish worked!

You're back! How did-

Ted

Yeah, I mean, when you filled me up, you put some of the stuffing in some of the wrong places, so I'm a little **** up. But will you take care of me forever and ever? [turns out to be normal] Ha-ha! I'm just kidding ya! I just thought it'd be funny if you actually thought I was ****in' ****.

You asshole!

Ted

Come 'ere, you bastard!

Hi, Ted.

Ted

Johnny, where are you? You gotta get over here!

Why? What's going on?

Ted

So I'm having a little impromptu thing with some people at my apartment, and John, Sam Jones is here!

What?

Ted

Sam Jones, Flash ****in' Gordon, is here!

Holy shit, what?

Ted

You remember how I said my buddy's cousin is friends with Sam Jones? My buddy's in town with his cousin, and who do you think is with him? Sam Jones! Sam Jones is here, and John, [whispering] his hair is parted down the middle!

Just like in the movie.

Ted

Yes. Get over here right now.

****, I can't! I'm with Lori. I'm already on probation. I... I just can't.

Ted

John, Flash Gordon was the most important influence of our formative years. He taught us right from wrong, good from evil, and that the word "acting" apparently has an extremely broad definition. Flash Gordon is the symbol of our friendship, John. Come share this with me.

...I'm coming.

Sam Jones

We are gonna party like the eighties.

Ted

Show us how, Flash.

Sam Jones

Easy. We just gotta nail a lot of girls named Stephanie.

Ted

God, Johnny, I've got so much energy. We'd better start doing stupid shit.

Ted

Hey, Johnny, there you are. Man, I had to get some air. That guy from your office is in there on the couch makin' out with that Van Wilder-lookin' guy.

You know what? **** you. I don't even wanna talk to you.

Ted

What?

Do you know what just happened? Do you have any clue? My ****in' life just ended!

Ted

Wha... Oh, come on. She'll go home, she'll watch Bridget Jones's Somethin'-Asshole, she'll have a good cry, she'll be fine. You'll talk to her tomorrow. Come on upstairs.

Are you even listenin' to me?! DID YOU GIVE ANY SHRED OF A SHIT?!?!

Ted

...Of course I do, Johnny. Thunder Buddies for life, remember?

Jesus! You know, Lori was right. I shoulda stopped hangin' out with you a long time ago! I'm never gonna have a life with you around! I'm 35 years old and I'm goin' nowhere! All I do is smoke pot and watch movies with a teddy-****in'-bear! Because of that, I just lost the love of my life...

Ted

Johnny, I'm... I'm sorry.

I gotta be on my own, Ted. I can't see you anymore.