Ted No! No! I said no Electric Slide! Goddamn it, you will not wreck this night with your forced white people group fun!
Voiced by Seth MacFarlane 
Ted 2 (2015) · 29 quotes
Ted 2 (2015) · 29 quotes
Most-quoted character in Ted 2 (2015): in 27 of its 29 quotes
Most scenes with: John (18), Samantha (12), Tami-Lynn (3)
Sittin' out here in a public, jerkin' off? Where do you think you are, Red Lobster?
More lines from Ted
2 quotes Ted Ted That’s him.
Scenes with Ted
24 scenes
Frank You had sexual intercourse on a pile of raw hamburger meat that we're supposed to sell to the public for their Fourth of July barbecues.
Ted I **** her with a pack of Freedent. Then I put it back on the shelf and a senior citizen bought it.
Frank That took guts. We need guts. I'm naming the store after you.
Customer Hey.
Ted Hello.
Customer I'd, uh, like to ask a few questions about this breakfast cereal.
Ted Uh, yeah. Yeah. A box of Trix?
Customer Yes, that's right. I've been led to understand that Trix are exclusively for children. Is that correct?
Ted Well, I mean they say, uh, "Trix are for kids," in the commercials, so-
Customer Uh-huh, uh-huh. And is that enforced by law?
Ted Uh, not to my knowledge, no.
Customer So if I purchase these Trix, there'll be no trouble?
Ted No, no, you-you should be fine.
Customer You do understand that I myself am not a child?
Ted Uh, I was able to sniff that out, yeah.
Customer Okay, I'm gonna bring these back to my apartment.
Ted Uh, yeah, you'll be okay.
Customer And, uh, I won't be followed?
Ted Uh, no, that's not in our budget here.
Customer Hey, I won't forget what you've done for me here today.
Ted I would prefer that you do. Jesus Christ.
Ted Shit. I can never get a signal in your apartment. Hey, can I use your laptop?
Yeah, go ahead.
Ted Okay, thanks. [slides off the couch and walks into another room, then five seconds later, offscreen, yelling in shock] WHAT THE ****?!
Holy shit, dude! What's the matter?! What happened?! What's going on?!
Ted [views John's laptop]
There's so much porn!
Well, what the hell are you doin' lookin' at my private shit?!
Ted What are you talking about, "private shit"?! Johnny, it was wide open! There are literally thousands of files here!
Well, I've been meanin' to clear some of that out!
Ted Jesus Chri--! Look at the organization here! "Clockwise Rim Job"? "Counter-clockwise Rim Job"?
Yeah, well, sometimes you like seein' the tongue go the other way!
Ted You sick bastard! Look at this! "Chicks With Dicks"?!
Ted There are no chicks with dicks, Johnny! Only guys with tits!
Well, this is such a relief! You know, I'm so glad I'm finally caught! I wanted to be caught!
Ted Johnny, now you listen to me. This is a wake-up call, all right? You gotta get back out there, and meet somebody, because you are spiraling outta control here.
All right, all right. I will. Fine. Just stop lookin' at that shit, please!
Ted Johnny, I mean it, all right? The next chick you meet, you are gettin' back in the game.
Fine. I got it. Done.
Ted All right. Now let's get rid of this.
What, what do you mean? We'll just delete the files.
Ted No, no, no, no. That shit can always be recovered. We gotta smash your laptop with a hammer.
Ted No, the circuits could still be reconstructed if somebody worked at it. We gotta bury it in the harbor.
Ted [he and John bury the pieces of the laptop, contained within a plastic bag, in the harbor]
Okay. We'll come back once every three months, take a dive, and check on it.
[a library full of sperm samples falls over John, spilling everything]
****! ****! ****! ****! Oh, my God! It's in my eyes! I'm blinkin' it in! [to Ted] You gotta ****in' help me! Oh, my God! It's in my ****in' mouth!
Ted Hold on. I gotta post this on Facebook.
NO!!!
Ted [Ted snaps a photograph of him] [types on his phone]
#GrrMondays.
Nurse
[a nurse walks in]
Oh, my God!
Look, I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry!
Ted We swear to God, it was an accident! We're so sorry!
Nurse
Well, I guess it's all right. Those are the rejected sickle cell samples.
Ted Oh, ya hear that, Johnny? You're covered in rejected black guy sperm. You look like a Kardashian.
Ted What's your middle name?
Leslie.
Ted Oh, my god! You're Sam L. Jackson!
That's great! I mean, just like Sam L. Jackson.
Who is that?
Ted You ever seen any movie ever? He's the black guy.
[Ted and John smoke from a bong with Samantha]
That weed's really good. Reminds me of the strain I smoked last summer called, "Here Comes Autism."
Ted Yeah, I was just going to say, it's sort of like this other batch we had called, "How Long Has That Van Been There?"
No, it's this new strain my dealer gave me called, "Help Me Get Home."
Skywalker, Solo, Vader, Kenobi, Palpatine, Calrissian, Balboa, Rambo, Griswold, Stepford, Bickle, Gump, Corleone, Wonka, Lebowski, Venkman, Spengler, Stantz, Rizzo, Zuko, Golighty, Higgins, Dolittle, Poppins, Bond, Blofeld, Blutarsky, Soze, O'Hara, Butler, McFly, Plissken, Ventura, Burgundy, Scissorhands, Drebin, Bueller, Lecter, Dumbledore, Sparrow, Doubtfire, Bourne, Von Trapp, Zoolander, Kirk, Spock, McCoy...
Ted Clubber Lang!
****...
Can either of you tell me who wrote The Great Gatsby?
Judy Blume?
Ted Hitler?
F. Scott Fitzgerald.
Who's that?
The author.
Well, why are you saying **** him?
What?
Ted You just said F. Scott Fitzgerald. I mean, what would Scott Fitzgerald do to you?
Yeah.
No, that's his first name.
Ted [confused]
His name's "**** Scott Fitzgerald"?
What? No!
Well, what does the "F" stand for?
Francis.
Ted No, it's got to be "****".
It must be "****".
Ted It's got to be "****".
It has to be "****".
Why the hell would it be "****"?
Well, 'cause otherwise, why wouldn't he just say it?
Ted Yeah, he's hiding something. It's "****". It's "****," it's "****."
That's completely insane. You guys are idiots.
Ted Yeah, well, whatever. Ted Clubber Lang. Get used to it.
Okay, I'm gonna ask you a few test questions. Are you ready?
Ted Yup, bring it on.
You're on the stand, the D.A. says "Ted, do you consider yourself to be human?"
Ted Objection!
Sustained!
No, the witness can't object.
Overruled.
Ted Sidebar.
Guilty!
Ted Speculation.
Hearsay!
Ted Bailiff.
Briefcase.
Ted Disregard.
In my chambers.
Ted Stop beavering the witness.
I rest.
Ted We could totally be lawyers.
Bang.
Ted I think it's time to play the Beetlejuice card.
What?
Ted I mean saying his name three times so he appears.
Are you **** crazy, we don't want that guy running around here!
Ted No it's be fine, he'll be on our side! Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetle...
Hey, you are messing with powers you do not understand! All right?! Cut the shit!
Do I have "**** me" eyes?
Ted No, you have "Give me the ring, my precious" eyes.
All right, I got Dred Scott vs. Sandford, Plessy vs. Ferguson, and Brown vs. The Board of Education.
I got Kramer vs. Kramer, Alien vs. Predator, and Freddy vs. Jason.
Ted I got, uh, Ernest Goes to Camp, Ernest Goes to Jail, and The Importance of Being Earnest, which was very disappointing.
Donny You know... I really love that Neil Diamond. Especially that song they sing at the, uh, the Red Sox games. It's just so infectious. You just can't help but sing along. [starts singing] Hands, touching hands, reaching out. Touching me, touching you. Sweet Caroline...
Ted [suddenly sings out due to temptation]
Bah bah bah! --****! [Donny jumps to grab Ted and starts punching him] Crazy son of a bitch!
Vendor
Hey! What are you doin' to that bear?!
Donny I'm sorry, I, uh...
Vendor
You better be planning on buying that!
Donny He just reminds me of when I was a kid.
Vendor
Yeah, that's great. $40. [Donny grabs cash]
Ted [last lines] [off screen, disgusted]
Oh! **** me!
What's the matter?
Ted That can't be normal! He's gotta be sick!
He's not sick; it's just baby doodie.
Yeah, that's what babies do, Teddy.
Ted Oh, you don't think this diaper's gross?
No.
Ted All right, here. Catch. [throws diaper at John, offscreen, and a squish is heard]
[disgusted]
OH, TEDDY! WHAT THE ****?! [everyone screams in disgust; Ted laughs] HOLY SHIT! OH, YOU MOTHER****ER!
Ted [takes photo of John, offscreen] [typing]
#shithappens.
Ted [after the opening credits; One year later at night time, Ted is at his apartment with Tami-Lynn. Tami-Lynn was at stove cooking a steak as Ted reading a paper.] [reading his paper]
Hey, I'm starving. What the hell are you doing over there?
[at the stove]
I'm curing cancer. I'm cooking your **** steak. What do you think I'm doing?
Ted What do I think you're doing? I think you're bleeding us dry, is what I think you're doing. Look at this, look at this: $129 at Filene's Basement. What are you buying over there, Tami? Gold bars?
I need clothes for work, all right, Teddy?
Ted You wear a smock. You're a **** cashier.
Yeah? So are you.
Ted Yeah, exactly, and I'm not going out and buying designer shit.
Oh, no, no, no, no! You're just buying weed. You're just buying drugs. You should **** talk!
Ted I was talking. I was just talking, just now, until you interrupted me.
Well, I have to interrupt you or else I never get to **** say anything!
Ted Are you gonna let me finish talking?
You're always cutting me off!
Ted Are you gonna let me finish talking?
It's important to look good at work, okay?
Ted Are you gonna let me finish talking?
I am trying to climb the corporate fence here!
Ted Nobody's in there to look at your ass!
You're acting like an asshole, all right?!
Ted Oh, what am I actin' like, Tami?! What am I acting like?!
Like an asshole! That's what you're acting like!
Ted You don't gotta dress like Elizabeth Taylor to put a yam in a plastic bag!
I am the face of the business, okay? So get the **** off my case!
Ted The face of the business? Jesus Christ! Listen to you! You're delusional!
I should've married Robert DiCicco. I really should've.
Ted Fine! Fine! Go torture that asshole!
He treated me good. And... [Just then, Tami-Lynn mock gasps] He had a dick! He had an awesome dick!
Ted Oh, newsflash: Boston whore has seen Italian penis! [Hearing this makes Tami-Lynn looks pissed.]
[angry]
What the **** did you just call me?! [She grabs the frying pan quickly.] ****ER?! [She angrily throws the pan at Ted]
Ted I said, "Boston--" [avoids getting hit by pan; shocked] What the ****?!
You wanna call me a "whore"?! [she throws a toaster, but Ted avoids it]
Ted [He picks up the bottle, sternly]
You wanna throw shit?!
Ted I'll **** throw shit! [He angrily throws bottle at wall, breaking it] There, see?! How do you like that?! [Ted then angrily tips the table]
[sarcastically]
Oh, I'm scared, Teddy! I'm really **** scared of you, you little **** bear!
Neighbor; [sternly, yelling from outside startling Ted.] Shut the **** up!
Ted [hears a neighbor, groans]
Oh, for Christ's sake. [Then, he opens the window and yells] Hey, you shut the **** up!
Neighbor Why don't you come down and make me, tough guy?!
Ted Yeah, why don't you come up here and make me come down there, tough guy?!
Neighbor I am gonna come up there, and I'm gonna kick your **** ass!
Ted Why don't you try it, asshole? Get your ass up here and kick my ass!
Neighbor [They hear another neighbor, who is yelling in a foreign language.]
Shut the **** up, you stupid BITCH!
Ted Hey, shut up, lady!
Neighbor Run the **** back to Russia, *YOU BITCH*!
Ted This is a classy neighborhood! People are trying TO sleep!
Neighbor Shut the **** up! [Another neighbor firmly closes the window; to Ted] Hey, I'm really sorry!
Ted Yeah, me too.
Neighbor She's worse than us.
Ted Yeah, she's our enemy now.
I mean, have you guys at least tried marriage therapy?
Ted God, yeah, it was a friggin' disaster. $250 and we didn't learn a goddamn thing.
Ted Are you **** kidding me?
What?
Ted What do you mean 'what'? After hours? Jesus, Johnny, she totally wants to sleep with you!
I'm not into it.
Ted John, you've been saying that for the past year and a half about every chick who throws herself at you. You gotta get back in the game, man.
Don't start this shit, alright? I wasted six years of my life with the wrong girl and I got burned. Not gonna make that same mistake again.
Ted Jesus, Johnny, you don't gotta marry Allison. You just gotta bang her and maybe pee on her a little.
What?
Ted It's always good to find new ways to surprise your lover.
Ted [after Ted is fired from the grocery store, realized he is not a person] [reading notes from mail]
"Dear Ted, your Chase Bank account has been terminated due to a lack of citizenship." "Dear Ted, your Discover card has been revoked." "Dear Ted, you are no longer a Papa Gino's rewards member." ****, that's a big one.
[sad; looking at baby's shoes]
This poor baby booty. It's always gonna be empty. There's never gonna be a little foot in here.
Ted I don't understand. We would have made such great parents.
Ted [takes his reading glasses off]
What? What's wrong?
Look at this. [reads it] "Dear Ted, the state of Massachusetts regrets to inform you that due to an oversight regarding your legal status, your marriage to Tami-Lynn McCafferty is unrecognized by the state, and, therefore, invalid and hereby annulled." Teddy, can they do this to us?
Ted [snatches the note]
Let me see that. [reads it, and feels shocked at it] This is a nightmare.
You know what we're gonna do? We're gonna call Patrick Meighan.
Ted Who's that?
He is the top civil rights attorney in America.
Isn't he the one who got that female midget into the Marines?
Ted Oh yeah. That had a sad ending, though. You remember? She was at a Veteran's Day parade, somebody handed her a bunch of balloons, and then whoosh! Gone. Very sad. Very sad for the family.
If anybody can get this verdict overturned, it's him. He's not cheap, but we've become such a high profile case, he might be willing to take it pro bono. He's a sucker for media.
Ted Johnny, did you see that? She was totally giving you the "**** me" eyes.
No, she wasn't.
Ted She was giving you the "**** me" eyes!
What are the "**** me" eyes?
Ted Some women just have "**** me" eyes.
Do I have "**** me" eyes?
Ted No, you have "Give us the ring, my precious" eyes.
[after crashing their car, Ted, John and Samantha spend the night at a nearby weed farm]
Please tell me that's not the only bong you brought on this trip.
Ted [we see Sam lighting up a bong shaped like a penis]
Yeah, Sam, this puts us in kind of an awkward position. We wanna get high too.
Isn't this hilarious? I got it at a bachelorette party. So stupid. Here.
Uh, no thanks. I don't wanna put a big glass **** in my mouth.
Oh, you think this is big?
Ted Haha! Johnny, you walked right into that one.
You're really smart, you know that? How come you don't have a guy?
Dude, have you seen the guys in Boston? I'm supposed to date some pale blotchy guy with a wife-beater under his Bruins jacket and a shamrock tattoo on his calf? Nope.
Ted [John surreptitiously pulls up his sock to hide the shamrock tattoo on his ankle. Ted walks out of the barn with a cowboy hat on his head, carrying a rifle in one hand a guitar in the other]
I couldn't find any soda cans, but I gotta tell you, there's some awesome shit in that barn.
Ted No, it's okay. It's not loaded-
Ted [As he pulls the trigger, the rifle fires and the kickback throws Ted backwards] [offscreen]
And my ****in' nose came off.
Patrick Meighan Ted, you're special. You could have been an inspiration to the world. You could have been a leader, a role model. Instead, you're... Justin Bieber.
Ted **** you!
Ted!
Ted Sorry. Sorry.
Patrick Meighan There's just no indication that you've had any positive effect on the world around you.
That's not true. He's had a positive effect on me.
Patrick Meighan Would that positive effect include your joint arrest in 2003 for possessing marijuana?
Well, how the **** do you prepare for a Foo Fighters concert?
Ted So that's it. I'm property. No rights, no nothing.
Ted, dude, I'm so sorry, man. This completely sucks.
I feel terrible. I let you guys down all over again.
Hey. You didn't let us down, Sam. You did your best. And look, regardless of all this shit, you're still the best thing that's happened to me in a long time. [he and Sam kiss]
Ted [angrily and sarcastically]
Oh... Oh, that's great. That's **** great. I'm glad you guys are so happy!
What?
Ted What do you mean, "What?" I'm totally screwed here, and you're sitting there basically banging my lawyer, and she's probably still **** billing us!
Don't yell at us, dude. We didn't do anything.
Ted Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Maybe if you guys had spent a little less time mooning over each other... Sam could've won this case, and I wouldn't be a **** thing, like garbage or a piece of shit.
Hey. We've been fighting right alongside you the whole way. And remember, you're the one who's been pushing me to get back on the horse. I finally meet someone, and you're giving me shit for it?
Ted Oh, no. You're right. No, Johnny, it's fine. You're right, it's fine. It's totally fine. I got no job, no marriage and no life! But you have fun porking Gollum here while I'm left with shit.
Ted!
Who's Gollum?
She's a model. Ted, come back.
Ted Leave me alone!
Ted!
Ted!
