Ted 2 (2015) · 29 quotes
Ted
What's your middle name?
Samantha
Leslie.
Ted
Oh, my god! You're Sam L. Jackson!
John
That's great! I mean, just like Sam L. Jackson.
Samantha
Who is that?
Ted
You ever seen any movie ever? He's the black guy.
John
That weed's really good. Reminds me of the strain I smoked last summer called, "Here Comes Autism."
Ted
Yeah, I was just going to say, it's sort of like this other batch we had called, "How Long Has That Van Been There?"
Samantha
No, it's this new strain my dealer gave me called, "Help Me Get Home."
Samantha
Can either of you tell me who wrote The Great Gatsby?
John
Judy Blume?
Ted
Hitler?
Samantha
F. Scott Fitzgerald.
John
Who's that?
Samantha
The author.
John
Well, why are you saying **** him?
Samantha
What?
Ted
You just said F. Scott Fitzgerald. I mean, what would Scott Fitzgerald do to you?
John
Yeah.
Samantha
No, that's his first name.
Ted
His name's "**** Scott Fitzgerald"?
Samantha
What? No!
John
Well, what does the "F" stand for?
Samantha
Francis.
Ted
No, it's got to be "****".
John
It must be "****".
Ted
It's got to be "****".
John
It has to be "****".
Samantha
Why the hell would it be "****"?
John
Well, 'cause otherwise, why wouldn't he just say it?
Ted
Yeah, he's hiding something. It's "****". It's "****," it's "****."
Samantha
That's completely insane. You guys are idiots.
Ted
Yeah, well, whatever. Ted Clubber Lang. Get used to it.
Samantha
Okay, I'm gonna ask you a few test questions. Are you ready?
Ted
Yup, bring it on.
Samantha
You're on the stand, the D.A. says "Ted, do you consider yourself to be human?"
Ted
Objection!
John
Sustained!
Samantha
No, the witness can't object.
John
Overruled.
Ted
Sidebar.
John
Guilty!
Ted
Speculation.
John
Hearsay!
Ted
Bailiff.
John
Briefcase.
Ted
Disregard.
John
In my chambers.
Ted
Stop beavering the witness.
John
I rest.
Ted
We could totally be lawyers.
John
Bang.
Samantha
Do I have "**** me" eyes?
Ted
No, you have "Give me the ring, my precious" eyes.
Samantha
All right, I got Dred Scott vs. Sandford, Plessy vs. Ferguson, and Brown vs. The Board of Education.
John
I got Kramer vs. Kramer, Alien vs. Predator, and Freddy vs. Jason.
Ted
I got, uh, Ernest Goes to Camp, Ernest Goes to Jail, and The Importance of Being Earnest, which was very disappointing.
Samantha
You know what we're gonna do? We're gonna call Patrick Meighan.
Ted
Who's that?
Samantha
He is the top civil rights attorney in America.
John
Isn't he the one who got that female midget into the Marines?
Ted
Oh yeah. That had a sad ending, though. You remember? She was at a Veteran's Day parade, somebody handed her a bunch of balloons, and then whoosh! Gone. Very sad. Very sad for the family.
Samantha
If anybody can get this verdict overturned, it's him. He's not cheap, but we've become such a high profile case, he might be willing to take it pro bono. He's a sucker for media.
Ted
Johnny, did you see that? She was totally giving you the "**** me" eyes.
John
No, she wasn't.
Ted
She was giving you the "**** me" eyes!
Samantha
What are the "**** me" eyes?
Ted
Some women just have "**** me" eyes.
Samantha
Do I have "**** me" eyes?
Ted
No, you have "Give us the ring, my precious" eyes.
John
Please tell me that's not the only bong you brought on this trip.
Ted
Yeah, Sam, this puts us in kind of an awkward position. We wanna get high too.
Samantha
Isn't this hilarious? I got it at a bachelorette party. So stupid. Here.
John
Uh, no thanks. I don't wanna put a big glass **** in my mouth.
Samantha
Oh, you think this is big?
Ted
Haha! Johnny, you walked right into that one.
John
You're really smart, you know that? How come you don't have a guy?
Samantha
Dude, have you seen the guys in Boston? I'm supposed to date some pale blotchy guy with a wife-beater under his Bruins jacket and a shamrock tattoo on his calf? Nope.
John
Yeah. Stupid.
Ted
I couldn't find any soda cans, but I gotta tell you, there's some awesome shit in that barn.
John
Whoa, be careful with that.
Ted
No, it's okay. It's not loaded-
Ted
And my ****in' nose came off.
Ted, you're special. You could have been an inspiration to the world. You could have been a leader, a role model. Instead, you're... Justin Bieber.
Ted
**** you!
Samantha
Ted!
Ted
Sorry. Sorry.
There's just no indication that you've had any positive effect on the world around you.
John
That's not true. He's had a positive effect on me.
Would that positive effect include your joint arrest in 2003 for possessing marijuana?
John
Well, how the **** do you prepare for a Foo Fighters concert?
Ted
So that's it. I'm property. No rights, no nothing.
John
Ted, dude, I'm so sorry, man. This completely sucks.
Samantha
I feel terrible. I let you guys down all over again.
John
Hey. You didn't let us down, Sam. You did your best. And look, regardless of all this shit, you're still the best thing that's happened to me in a long time. [he and Sam kiss]
Ted
Oh... Oh, that's great. That's **** great. I'm glad you guys are so happy!
John
What?
Ted
What do you mean, "What?" I'm totally screwed here, and you're sitting there basically banging my lawyer, and she's probably still **** billing us!
John
Don't yell at us, dude. We didn't do anything.
Ted
Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Maybe if you guys had spent a little less time mooning over each other... Sam could've won this case, and I wouldn't be a **** thing, like garbage or a piece of shit.
John
Hey. We've been fighting right alongside you the whole way. And remember, you're the one who's been pushing me to get back on the horse. I finally meet someone, and you're giving me shit for it?
Ted
Oh, no. You're right. No, Johnny, it's fine. You're right, it's fine. It's totally fine. I got no job, no marriage and no life! But you have fun porking Gollum here while I'm left with shit.
John
Ted!
Samantha
Who's Gollum?
John
She's a model. Ted, come back.
Ted
Leave me alone!
John
Ted!
Samantha
Ted!
