I mean, have you guys at least tried marriage therapy?
God, yeah, it was a friggin' disaster. $250 and we didn't learn a goddamn thing.
Ted
Seth MacFarlane · 27 quotes
John
Mark Wahlberg · 20 quotes
Samantha
Amanda Seyfried · 12 quotes
Tami-Lynn
Jessica Barth · 3 quotes
Most scenes together: Ted & John (18), Ted & Samantha (12), John & Samantha (11)
Ted 2 quotes
Page 1 of 2You're really smart, you know that? How come you don't have a guy?
Dude, have you seen the guys in Boston? I'm supposed to date some pale blotchy guy with a wife-beater under his Bruins jacket and a shamrock tattoo on his calf? Nope.
[John surreptitiously pulls up his sock to hide the shamrock tattoo on his ankle. Ted walks out of the barn with a cowboy hat on his head, carrying a rifle in one hand a guitar in the other]
I couldn't find any soda cans, but I gotta tell you, there's some awesome shit in that barn.
No, it's okay. It's not loaded-
[As he pulls the trigger, the rifle fires and the kickback throws Ted backwards] [offscreen]
And my ****in' nose came off.
Patrick Meighan Ted, you're special. You could have been an inspiration to the world. You could have been a leader, a role model. Instead, you're... Justin Bieber.
**** you!
Ted!
Sorry. Sorry.
Patrick Meighan There's just no indication that you've had any positive effect on the world around you.
That's not true. He's had a positive effect on me.
Patrick Meighan Would that positive effect include your joint arrest in 2003 for possessing marijuana?
Well, how the **** do you prepare for a Foo Fighters concert?
You know what we're gonna do? We're gonna call Patrick Meighan.
Who's that?
He is the top civil rights attorney in America.
Isn't he the one who got that female midget into the Marines?
Oh yeah. That had a sad ending, though. You remember? She was at a Veteran's Day parade, somebody handed her a bunch of balloons, and then whoosh! Gone. Very sad. Very sad for the family.
If anybody can get this verdict overturned, it's him. He's not cheap, but we've become such a high profile case, he might be willing to take it pro bono. He's a sucker for media.
Are you **** kidding me?
What?
What do you mean 'what'? After hours? Jesus, Johnny, she totally wants to sleep with you!
I'm not into it.
John, you've been saying that for the past year and a half about every chick who throws herself at you. You gotta get back in the game, man.
Don't start this shit, alright? I wasted six years of my life with the wrong girl and I got burned. Not gonna make that same mistake again.
Jesus, Johnny, you don't gotta marry Allison. You just gotta bang her and maybe pee on her a little.
What?
It's always good to find new ways to surprise your lover.
Johnny, did you see that? She was totally giving you the "**** me" eyes.
No, she wasn't.
She was giving you the "**** me" eyes!
What are the "**** me" eyes?
Some women just have "**** me" eyes.
Do I have "**** me" eyes?
No, you have "Give us the ring, my precious" eyes.
So that's it. I'm property. No rights, no nothing.
Ted, dude, I'm so sorry, man. This completely sucks.
I feel terrible. I let you guys down all over again.
Hey. You didn't let us down, Sam. You did your best. And look, regardless of all this shit, you're still the best thing that's happened to me in a long time. [he and Sam kiss]
[angrily and sarcastically]
Oh... Oh, that's great. That's **** great. I'm glad you guys are so happy!
What?
What do you mean, "What?" I'm totally screwed here, and you're sitting there basically banging my lawyer, and she's probably still **** billing us!
Don't yell at us, dude. We didn't do anything.
Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Maybe if you guys had spent a little less time mooning over each other... Sam could've won this case, and I wouldn't be a **** thing, like garbage or a piece of shit.
Hey. We've been fighting right alongside you the whole way. And remember, you're the one who's been pushing me to get back on the horse. I finally meet someone, and you're giving me shit for it?
Oh, no. You're right. No, Johnny, it's fine. You're right, it's fine. It's totally fine. I got no job, no marriage and no life! But you have fun porking Gollum here while I'm left with shit.
Ted!
Who's Gollum?
She's a model. Ted, come back.
Leave me alone!
Ted!
Ted!
[after crashing their car, Ted, John and Samantha spend the night at a nearby weed farm]
Please tell me that's not the only bong you brought on this trip.
[we see Sam lighting up a bong shaped like a penis]
Yeah, Sam, this puts us in kind of an awkward position. We wanna get high too.
Isn't this hilarious? I got it at a bachelorette party. So stupid. Here.
Uh, no thanks. I don't wanna put a big glass **** in my mouth.
Oh, you think this is big?
Haha! Johnny, you walked right into that one.
[after Ted is fired from the grocery store, realized he is not a person] [reading notes from mail]
"Dear Ted, your Chase Bank account has been terminated due to a lack of citizenship." "Dear Ted, your Discover card has been revoked." "Dear Ted, you are no longer a Papa Gino's rewards member." ****, that's a big one.
[sad; looking at baby's shoes]
This poor baby booty. It's always gonna be empty. There's never gonna be a little foot in here.
I don't understand. We would have made such great parents.
Look at this. [reads it] "Dear Ted, the state of Massachusetts regrets to inform you that due to an oversight regarding your legal status, your marriage to Tami-Lynn McCafferty is unrecognized by the state, and, therefore, invalid and hereby annulled." Teddy, can they do this to us?
[after the opening credits; One year later at night time, Ted is at his apartment with Tami-Lynn. Tami-Lynn was at stove cooking a steak as Ted reading a paper.] [reading his paper]
Hey, I'm starving. What the hell are you doing over there?
[at the stove]
I'm curing cancer. I'm cooking your **** steak. What do you think I'm doing?
What do I think you're doing? I think you're bleeding us dry, is what I think you're doing. Look at this, look at this: $129 at Filene's Basement. What are you buying over there, Tami? Gold bars?
I need clothes for work, all right, Teddy?
You wear a smock. You're a **** cashier.
Yeah? So are you.
Yeah, exactly, and I'm not going out and buying designer shit.
Oh, no, no, no, no! You're just buying weed. You're just buying drugs. You should **** talk!
I was talking. I was just talking, just now, until you interrupted me.
Well, I have to interrupt you or else I never get to **** say anything!
Are you gonna let me finish talking?
You're always cutting me off!
Are you gonna let me finish talking?
It's important to look good at work, okay?
Are you gonna let me finish talking?
I am trying to climb the corporate fence here!
Nobody's in there to look at your ass!
You're acting like an asshole, all right?!
Oh, what am I actin' like, Tami?! What am I acting like?!
Like an asshole! That's what you're acting like!
You don't gotta dress like Elizabeth Taylor to put a yam in a plastic bag!
I am the face of the business, okay? So get the **** off my case!
The face of the business? Jesus Christ! Listen to you! You're delusional!
I should've married Robert DiCicco. I really should've.
Fine! Fine! Go torture that asshole!
He treated me good. And... [Just then, Tami-Lynn mock gasps] He had a dick! He had an awesome dick!
Oh, newsflash: Boston whore has seen Italian penis! [Hearing this makes Tami-Lynn looks pissed.]
[angry]
What the **** did you just call me?! [She grabs the frying pan quickly.] ****ER?! [She angrily throws the pan at Ted]
I said, "Boston--" [avoids getting hit by pan; shocked] What the ****?!
You wanna call me a "whore"?! [she throws a toaster, but Ted avoids it]
I'll **** throw shit! [He angrily throws bottle at wall, breaking it] There, see?! How do you like that?! [Ted then angrily tips the table]
[sarcastically]
Oh, I'm scared, Teddy! I'm really **** scared of you, you little **** bear!
Neighbor; [sternly, yelling from outside startling Ted.] Shut the **** up!
[hears a neighbor, groans]
Oh, for Christ's sake. [Then, he opens the window and yells] Hey, you shut the **** up!
Neighbor Why don't you come down and make me, tough guy?!
Yeah, why don't you come up here and make me come down there, tough guy?!
Neighbor I am gonna come up there, and I'm gonna kick your **** ass!
Why don't you try it, asshole? Get your ass up here and kick my ass!
Neighbor [They hear another neighbor, who is yelling in a foreign language.]
Shut the **** up, you stupid BITCH!
Hey, shut up, lady!
Neighbor Run the **** back to Russia, *YOU BITCH*!
This is a classy neighborhood! People are trying TO sleep!
Neighbor Shut the **** up! [Another neighbor firmly closes the window; to Ted] Hey, I'm really sorry!
Yeah, me too.
Neighbor She's worse than us.
Yeah, she's our enemy now.
Customer Hey.
Hello.
Customer I'd, uh, like to ask a few questions about this breakfast cereal.
Uh, yeah. Yeah. A box of Trix?
Customer Yes, that's right. I've been led to understand that Trix are exclusively for children. Is that correct?
Well, I mean they say, uh, "Trix are for kids," in the commercials, so-
Customer Uh-huh, uh-huh. And is that enforced by law?
Uh, not to my knowledge, no.
Customer So if I purchase these Trix, there'll be no trouble?
No, no, you-you should be fine.
Customer You do understand that I myself am not a child?
Uh, I was able to sniff that out, yeah.
Customer Okay, I'm gonna bring these back to my apartment.
Uh, yeah, you'll be okay.
Customer And, uh, I won't be followed?
Uh, no, that's not in our budget here.
Customer Hey, I won't forget what you've done for me here today.
I would prefer that you do. Jesus Christ.
Donny You know... I really love that Neil Diamond. Especially that song they sing at the, uh, the Red Sox games. It's just so infectious. You just can't help but sing along. [starts singing] Hands, touching hands, reaching out. Touching me, touching you. Sweet Caroline...
[suddenly sings out due to temptation]
Bah bah bah! --****! [Donny jumps to grab Ted and starts punching him] Crazy son of a bitch!
Vendor
Hey! What are you doin' to that bear?!
Donny I'm sorry, I, uh...
Vendor
You better be planning on buying that!
Donny He just reminds me of when I was a kid.
Vendor
Yeah, that's great. $40. [Donny grabs cash]
Film Executive
The new Superman is... Jonah Hill!
****!
Frank You had sexual intercourse on a pile of raw hamburger meat that we're supposed to sell to the public for their Fourth of July barbecues.
I **** her with a pack of Freedent. Then I put it back on the shelf and a senior citizen bought it.
Frank That took guts. We need guts. I'm naming the store after you.
Skywalker, Solo, Vader, Kenobi, Palpatine, Calrissian, Balboa, Rambo, Griswold, Stepford, Bickle, Gump, Corleone, Wonka, Lebowski, Venkman, Spengler, Stantz, Rizzo, Zuko, Golighty, Higgins, Dolittle, Poppins, Bond, Blofeld, Blutarsky, Soze, O'Hara, Butler, McFly, Plissken, Ventura, Burgundy, Scissorhands, Drebin, Bueller, Lecter, Dumbledore, Sparrow, Doubtfire, Bourne, Von Trapp, Zoolander, Kirk, Spock, McCoy...
Clubber Lang!
****...