N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z #

Ted 2

Ted 2 quotes

16 total quotes


View Quote Customer: Hey.
Ted: Hello.
Customer: I'd, uh, like to ask a few questions about this breakfast cereal.
Ted: Uh, yeah. Yeah. A box of Trix?
Customer: Yes, that's right. I've been led to understand that Trix are exclusively for children. Is that correct?
Ted: Well, I mean they say, uh, "Trix are for kids," in the commercials, so-
Customer: Uh-huh, uh-huh. And is that enforced by law?
Ted: Uh, not to my knowledge, no.
Customer: So if I purchase these Trix, there'll be no trouble?
Ted: No, no, you-you should be fine.
Customer: You do understand that I myself am not a child?
Ted: Uh, I was able to sniff that out, yeah.
Customer: Okay, I'm gonna bring these back to my apartment.
Ted: Uh, yeah, you'll be okay.
Customer: And, uh, I won't be followed?
Ted: Uh, no, that's not in our budget here.
Customer: Hey, I won't forget what you've done for me here today.
Ted: I would prefer that you do. Jesus Christ.
View Quote Donny: You know... I really love that Neil Diamond. Especially that song they sing at the, uh, the Red Sox games. It's just so infectious. You just can't help but sing along. [starts singing] Hands, touching hands, reaching out. Touching me, touching you. Sweet Caroline...
Ted: [suddenly sings out due to temptation] Bah bah bah! --****! [Donny jumps to grab Ted and starts punching him] Crazy son of a bitch!
Vendor: Hey! What are you doin' to that bear?!
Donny: I'm sorry, I, uh...
Vendor: You better be planning on buying that!
Donny: He just reminds me of when I was a kid.
Vendor: Yeah, that's great. $40. [Donny grabs cash]
View Quote Film Executive: The new Superman is... Jonah Hill!
John: ****!
View Quote Frank: You had sexual intercourse on a pile of raw hamburger meat that we're supposed to sell to the public for their Fourth of July barbecues.
Ted: I ****ed her with a pack of Freedent. Then I put it back on the shelf and a senior citizen bought it.
Frank: That took guts. We need guts. I'm naming the store after you.
View Quote John: Skywalker, Solo, Vader, Kenobi, Palpatine, Calrissian, Balboa, Rambo, Griswold, Stepford, Bickle, Gump, Corleone, Wonka, Lebowski, Venkman, Spengler, Stantz, Rizzo, Zuko, Golighty, Higgins, Dolittle, Poppins, Bond, Blofeld, Blutarsky, Soze, O'Hara, Butler, McFly, Plissken, Ventura, Burgundy, Scissorhands, Drebin, Bueller, Lecter, Dumbledore, Sparrow, Doubtfire, Bourne, Von Trapp, Zoolander, Kirk, Spock, McCoy...
Ted: Clubber Lang!
John: ****ING...
View Quote Samantha: All right, I got Dred Scott vs. Sandford, Plessy vs. Ferguson, and Brown vs. The Board of Education.
John: I got Kramer vs. Kramer, Alien vs. Predator, and Freddy vs. Jason.
Ted: I got, uh, Ernest Goes to Camp, Ernest Goes to Jail, and The Importance of Being Earnest, which was very disappointing.
View Quote Samantha: Can either of you tell me who wrote The Great Gatsby?
John: Judy Blume?
Ted: Hitler?
Samantha: F. Scott Fitzgerald.
John: Who's that?
Samantha: The author.
John: Well, why are you saying **** him?
Samantha: What?
Ted: You just said F. Scott Fitzgerald. I mean, what would Scott Fitzgerald do to you?
John: Yeah.
Samantha: No, that's his first name.
Ted: [confused] His name's "**** Scott Fitzgerald"?
Samantha: What? No!
John: Well, what does the "F" stand for?
Samantha: Francis.
Ted: No, it's got to be "****".
John: It must be "****".
Ted: It's got to be "****".
John: It has to be "****".
Samantha: Why the hell would it be "****"?
John: Well, 'cause otherwise, why wouldn't he just say it?
Ted: Yeah, he's hiding something. It's "****". It's "****," it's "****."
Samantha: That's completely insane. You guys are idiots.
Ted: Yeah, well, whatever. Ted Clubber Lang. Get used to it.
View Quote Samantha: Do I have "**** me" eyes?
Ted: No, you have "Give me the ring, my precious" eyes.
View Quote Samantha: Okay, I'm gonna ask you a few test questions. Are you ready?
Ted: Yup, bring it on.
Samantha: You're on the stand, the D.A. says "Ted, do you consider yourself to be human?"
Ted: Objection!
John: Sustained!
Samantha: No, the witness can't object.
John: Overruled.
Ted: Sidebar.
John: Guilty!
Ted: Speculation.
John: Hearsay!
Ted: Bailiff.
John: Briefcase.
Ted: Disregard.
John: In my chambers.
Ted: Stop beavering the witness.
John: I rest.
Ted: We could totally be lawyers.
John: Bang.
View Quote Ted: I think it's time to play the Beetlejuice card.
John: What?
Ted: I mean saying his name three times so he appears.
John: Are you ****ing crazy, we don't want that guy running around here!
Ted: No it's be fine, he'll be on our side! Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetle...
John: Hey, you are messing with powers you do not understand! All right?! Cut the shit!
View Quote Ted: Shit. I can never get a signal in your apartment. Hey, can I use your laptop?
John: Yeah, go ahead.
Ted: Okay, thanks. [slides off the couch and walks into another room, then five seconds later, offscreen, yelling in shock] WHAT THE ****?!
John: Holy shit, dude! What's the matter?! What happened?! What's going on?!
Ted: [views John's laptop] There's so much porn!
John: Well, what the hell are you doin' lookin' at my private shit?!
Ted: What are you talking about, "private shit"?! Johnny, it was wide open! There are literally thousands of files here!
John: Well, I've been meanin' to clear some of that out!
Ted: Jesus Chri--! Look at the organization here! "Clockwise Rim Job"? "Counter-clockwise Rim Job"?
John: Yeah, well, sometimes you like seein' the tongue go the other way!
Ted: You sick bastard! Look at this! "Chicks With Dicks"?!
John: [breaks down] Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I have a disease, all right?! I need help!
Ted: There are no chicks with dicks, Johnny! Only guys with tits!
John: Well, this is such a relief! You know, I'm so glad I'm finally caught! I wanted to be caught!
Ted: Johnny, now you listen to me. This is a wake-up call, all right? You gotta get back out there, and meet somebody, because you are spiraling outta control here.
John: All right, all right. I will. Fine. Just stop lookin' at that shit, please!
Ted: Johnny, I mean it, all right? The next chick you meet, you are gettin' back in the game.
John: Fine. I got it. Done.
Ted: All right. Now let's get rid of this.
John: What, what do you mean? We'll just delete the files.
Ted: No, no, no, no. That shit can always be recovered. We gotta smash your laptop with a hammer.
[they smash John's laptop outside with a hammer and a crowbar]
John: All right, there, you happy?
Ted: No, the circuits could still be reconstructed if somebody worked at it. We gotta bury it in the harbor.
[he and John bury the pieces of the laptop, contained within a plastic bag, in the harbor]
Ted: Okay. We'll come back once every three months, take a dive, and check on it.
View Quote Ted: What's your middle name?
Samantha: Leslie.
Ted: Oh, my god! You're Sam L. Jackson!
John: That's great! I mean, just like Sam L. Jackson.
Samantha: Who is that?
Ted: You ever seen any movie ever? He's the black guy.
View Quote [a library full of sperm samples falls over John, spilling everything]
John: ****! ****! ****! ****! Oh, my God! It's in my eyes! I'm blinkin' it in! [to Ted] You gotta ****in' help me! Oh, my God! It's in my ****in' mouth!
Ted: Hold on. I gotta post this on Facebook.
John: NO!!!
[Ted snaps a photograph of him]
Ted: [types on his phone] #GrrMondays.
[a nurse walks in]
Nurse: Oh, my God!
John: Look, I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry!
Ted: We swear to God, it was an accident! We're so sorry!
Nurse: Well, I guess it's all right. Those are the rejected sickle cell samples.
Ted: Oh, ya hear that, Johnny? You're covered in rejected black guy sperm. You look like a Kardashian.
View Quote [last lines]
Ted: [off screen, disgusted] Oh! **** me!
Tami-Lynn: What's the matter?
Ted: That can't be normal! He's gotta be sick!
Tami-Lynn: He's not sick; it's just baby doodie.
John: Yeah, that's what babies do, Teddy.
Ted: Oh, you don't think this diaper's gross?
John: No.
Ted: All right, here. Catch. [throws diaper at John, offscreen, and a squish is heard]
John: [disgusted] OH, TEDDY! WHAT THE ****?! [everyone screams in disgust; Ted laughs] HOLY SHIT! OH, YOU MOTHER****ER!
Ted: [takes photo of John, offscreen] [typing] #shithappens.
View Quote [Ted and John smoke from a bong with Samantha]
John: That weed's really good. Reminds me of the strain I smoked last summer called, "Here Comes Autism."
Ted: Yeah, I was just going to say, it's sort of like this other batch we had called, "How Long Has That Van Been There?"
Samantha: No, it's this new strain my dealer gave me called, "Help Me Get Home."