ALL A B C D E F G H I J K L M
N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z #

Ted: Shit. I can never get a signal in your apartment. Hey, can I use your laptop?
John: Yeah, go ahead.
Ted: Okay, thanks. [slides off the couch and walks into another room, then five seconds later, offscreen, yelling in shock] WHAT THE ****?!
John: Holy shit, dude! What's the matter?! What happened?! What's going on?!
Ted: [views John's laptop] There's so much porn!
John: Well, what the hell are you doin' lookin' at my private shit?!
Ted: What are you talking about, "private shit"?! Johnny, it was wide open! There are literally thousands of files here!
John: Well, I've been meanin' to clear some of that out!
Ted: Jesus Chri--! Look at the organization here! "Clockwise Rim Job"? "Counter-clockwise Rim Job"?
John: Yeah, well, sometimes you like seein' the tongue go the other way!
Ted: You sick bastard! Look at this! "Chicks With Dicks"?!
John: [breaks down] Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I have a disease, all right?! I need help!
Ted: There are no chicks with dicks, Johnny! Only guys with tits!
John: Well, this is such a relief! You know, I'm so glad I'm finally caught! I wanted to be caught!
Ted: Johnny, now you listen to me. This is a wake-up call, all right? You gotta get back out there, and meet somebody, because you are spiraling outta control here.
John: All right, all right. I will. Fine. Just stop lookin' at that shit, please!
Ted: Johnny, I mean it, all right? The next chick you meet, you are gettin' back in the game.
John: Fine. I got it. Done.
Ted: All right. Now let's get rid of this.
John: What, what do you mean? We'll just delete the files.
Ted: No, no, no, no. That shit can always be recovered. We gotta smash your laptop with a hammer.
[they smash John's laptop outside with a hammer and a crowbar]
John: All right, there, you happy?
Ted: No, the circuits could still be reconstructed if somebody worked at it. We gotta bury it in the harbor.
[he and John bury the pieces of the laptop, contained within a plastic bag, in the harbor]
Ted: Okay. We'll come back once every three months, take a dive, and check on it.
  »   More Quotes from
  »   Back to the