John quotes from Ted 2 (2015)

Ted

Shit. I can never get a signal in your apartment. Hey, can I use your laptop?

John

Yeah, go ahead.

Ted

Okay, thanks. [slides off the couch and walks into another room, then five seconds later, offscreen, yelling in shock] WHAT THE ****?!

John

Holy shit, dude! What's the matter?! What happened?! What's going on?!

Ted

There's so much porn!

John

Well, what the hell are you doin' lookin' at my private shit?!

Ted

What are you talking about, "private shit"?! Johnny, it was wide open! There are literally thousands of files here!

John

Well, I've been meanin' to clear some of that out!

Ted

Jesus Chri--! Look at the organization here! "Clockwise Rim Job"? "Counter-clockwise Rim Job"?

John

Yeah, well, sometimes you like seein' the tongue go the other way!

Ted

You sick bastard! Look at this! "Chicks With Dicks"?!

John

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I have a disease, all right?! I need help!

Ted

There are no chicks with dicks, Johnny! Only guys with tits!

John

Well, this is such a relief! You know, I'm so glad I'm finally caught! I wanted to be caught!

Ted

Johnny, now you listen to me. This is a wake-up call, all right? You gotta get back out there, and meet somebody, because you are spiraling outta control here.

John

All right, all right. I will. Fine. Just stop lookin' at that shit, please!

Ted

Johnny, I mean it, all right? The next chick you meet, you are gettin' back in the game.

John

Fine. I got it. Done.

Ted

All right. Now let's get rid of this.

John

What, what do you mean? We'll just delete the files.

Ted

No, no, no, no. That shit can always be recovered. We gotta smash your laptop with a hammer.

John

All right, there, you happy?

Ted

No, the circuits could still be reconstructed if somebody worked at it. We gotta bury it in the harbor.

Ted

Okay. We'll come back once every three months, take a dive, and check on it.

John

****! ****! ****! ****! Oh, my God! It's in my eyes! I'm blinkin' it in! [to Ted] You gotta ****in' help me! Oh, my God! It's in my ****in' mouth!

Ted

Hold on. I gotta post this on Facebook.

John

NO!!!

Ted

#GrrMondays.

Oh, my God!

John

Look, I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry!

Ted

We swear to God, it was an accident! We're so sorry!

Well, I guess it's all right. Those are the rejected sickle cell samples.

Ted

Oh, ya hear that, Johnny? You're covered in rejected black guy sperm. You look like a Kardashian.

Ted

What's your middle name?

Samantha

Leslie.

Ted

Oh, my god! You're Sam L. Jackson!

John

That's great! I mean, just like Sam L. Jackson.

Samantha

Who is that?

Ted

You ever seen any movie ever? He's the black guy.

John

That weed's really good. Reminds me of the strain I smoked last summer called, "Here Comes Autism."

Ted

Yeah, I was just going to say, it's sort of like this other batch we had called, "How Long Has That Van Been There?"

Samantha

No, it's this new strain my dealer gave me called, "Help Me Get Home."

John

Skywalker, Solo, Vader, Kenobi, Palpatine, Calrissian, Balboa, Rambo, Griswold, Stepford, Bickle, Gump, Corleone, Wonka, Lebowski, Venkman, Spengler, Stantz, Rizzo, Zuko, Golighty, Higgins, Dolittle, Poppins, Bond, Blofeld, Blutarsky, Soze, O'Hara, Butler, McFly, Plissken, Ventura, Burgundy, Scissorhands, Drebin, Bueller, Lecter, Dumbledore, Sparrow, Doubtfire, Bourne, Von Trapp, Zoolander, Kirk, Spock, McCoy...

Ted

Clubber Lang!

John

****...

Samantha

Can either of you tell me who wrote The Great Gatsby?

John

Judy Blume?

Ted

Hitler?

Samantha

F. Scott Fitzgerald.

John

Who's that?

Samantha

The author.

John

Well, why are you saying **** him?

Samantha

What?

Ted

You just said F. Scott Fitzgerald. I mean, what would Scott Fitzgerald do to you?

John

Yeah.

Samantha

No, that's his first name.

Ted

His name's "**** Scott Fitzgerald"?

Samantha

What? No!

John

Well, what does the "F" stand for?

Samantha

Francis.

Ted

No, it's got to be "****".

John

It must be "****".

Ted

It's got to be "****".

John

It has to be "****".

Samantha

Why the hell would it be "****"?

John

Well, 'cause otherwise, why wouldn't he just say it?

Ted

Yeah, he's hiding something. It's "****". It's "****," it's "****."

Samantha

That's completely insane. You guys are idiots.

Ted

Yeah, well, whatever. Ted Clubber Lang. Get used to it.

Samantha

Okay, I'm gonna ask you a few test questions. Are you ready?

Ted

Yup, bring it on.

Samantha

You're on the stand, the D.A. says "Ted, do you consider yourself to be human?"

Ted

Objection!

John

Sustained!

Samantha

No, the witness can't object.

John

Overruled.

Ted

Sidebar.

John

Guilty!

Ted

Speculation.

John

Hearsay!

Ted

Bailiff.

John

Briefcase.

Ted

Disregard.

John

In my chambers.

Ted

Stop beavering the witness.

John

I rest.

Ted

We could totally be lawyers.

John

Bang.

Ted

I think it's time to play the Beetlejuice card.

John

What?

Ted

I mean saying his name three times so he appears.

John

Are you **** crazy, we don't want that guy running around here!

Ted

No it's be fine, he'll be on our side! Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetle...

John

Hey, you are messing with powers you do not understand! All right?! Cut the shit!

Samantha

All right, I got Dred Scott vs. Sandford, Plessy vs. Ferguson, and Brown vs. The Board of Education.

John

I got Kramer vs. Kramer, Alien vs. Predator, and Freddy vs. Jason.

Ted

I got, uh, Ernest Goes to Camp, Ernest Goes to Jail, and The Importance of Being Earnest, which was very disappointing.

The new Superman is... Jonah Hill!

John

****!

Ted

Oh! **** me!

Tami-Lynn

What's the matter?

Ted

That can't be normal! He's gotta be sick!

Tami-Lynn

He's not sick; it's just baby doodie.

John

Yeah, that's what babies do, Teddy.

Ted

Oh, you don't think this diaper's gross?

John

No.

Ted

All right, here. Catch. [throws diaper at John, offscreen, and a squish is heard]

John

OH, TEDDY! WHAT THE ****?! [everyone screams in disgust; Ted laughs] HOLY SHIT! OH, YOU MOTHER****ER!

Ted

#shithappens.

John

I mean, have you guys at least tried marriage therapy?

Ted

God, yeah, it was a friggin' disaster. $250 and we didn't learn a goddamn thing.

Ted

Are you **** kidding me?

John

What?

Ted

What do you mean 'what'? After hours? Jesus, Johnny, she totally wants to sleep with you!

John

I'm not into it.

Ted

John, you've been saying that for the past year and a half about every chick who throws herself at you. You gotta get back in the game, man.

John

Don't start this shit, alright? I wasted six years of my life with the wrong girl and I got burned. Not gonna make that same mistake again.

Ted

Jesus, Johnny, you don't gotta marry Allison. You just gotta bang her and maybe pee on her a little.

John

What?

Ted

It's always good to find new ways to surprise your lover.

Samantha

You know what we're gonna do? We're gonna call Patrick Meighan.

Ted

Who's that?

Samantha

He is the top civil rights attorney in America.

John

Isn't he the one who got that female midget into the Marines?

Ted

Oh yeah. That had a sad ending, though. You remember? She was at a Veteran's Day parade, somebody handed her a bunch of balloons, and then whoosh! Gone. Very sad. Very sad for the family.

Samantha

If anybody can get this verdict overturned, it's him. He's not cheap, but we've become such a high profile case, he might be willing to take it pro bono. He's a sucker for media.

Ted

Johnny, did you see that? She was totally giving you the "**** me" eyes.

John

No, she wasn't.

Ted

She was giving you the "**** me" eyes!

Samantha

What are the "**** me" eyes?

Ted

Some women just have "**** me" eyes.

Samantha

Do I have "**** me" eyes?

Ted

No, you have "Give us the ring, my precious" eyes.

John

Please tell me that's not the only bong you brought on this trip.

Ted

Yeah, Sam, this puts us in kind of an awkward position. We wanna get high too.

Samantha

Isn't this hilarious? I got it at a bachelorette party. So stupid. Here.

John

Uh, no thanks. I don't wanna put a big glass **** in my mouth.

Samantha

Oh, you think this is big?

Ted

Haha! Johnny, you walked right into that one.

John

You're really smart, you know that? How come you don't have a guy?

Samantha

Dude, have you seen the guys in Boston? I'm supposed to date some pale blotchy guy with a wife-beater under his Bruins jacket and a shamrock tattoo on his calf? Nope.

John

Yeah. Stupid.

Ted

I couldn't find any soda cans, but I gotta tell you, there's some awesome shit in that barn.

John

Whoa, be careful with that.

Ted

No, it's okay. It's not loaded-

Ted

And my ****in' nose came off.

Ted, you're special. You could have been an inspiration to the world. You could have been a leader, a role model. Instead, you're... Justin Bieber.

Ted

**** you!

Samantha

Ted!

Ted

Sorry. Sorry.

There's just no indication that you've had any positive effect on the world around you.

John

That's not true. He's had a positive effect on me.

Would that positive effect include your joint arrest in 2003 for possessing marijuana?

John

Well, how the **** do you prepare for a Foo Fighters concert?

Ted

So that's it. I'm property. No rights, no nothing.

John

Ted, dude, I'm so sorry, man. This completely sucks.

Samantha

I feel terrible. I let you guys down all over again.

John

Hey. You didn't let us down, Sam. You did your best. And look, regardless of all this shit, you're still the best thing that's happened to me in a long time. [he and Sam kiss]

Ted

Oh... Oh, that's great. That's **** great. I'm glad you guys are so happy!

John

What?

Ted

What do you mean, "What?" I'm totally screwed here, and you're sitting there basically banging my lawyer, and she's probably still **** billing us!

John

Don't yell at us, dude. We didn't do anything.

Ted

Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Maybe if you guys had spent a little less time mooning over each other... Sam could've won this case, and I wouldn't be a **** thing, like garbage or a piece of shit.

John

Hey. We've been fighting right alongside you the whole way. And remember, you're the one who's been pushing me to get back on the horse. I finally meet someone, and you're giving me shit for it?

Ted

Oh, no. You're right. No, Johnny, it's fine. You're right, it's fine. It's totally fine. I got no job, no marriage and no life! But you have fun porking Gollum here while I'm left with shit.

John

Ted!

Samantha

Who's Gollum?

John

She's a model. Ted, come back.

Ted

Leave me alone!

John

Ted!

Samantha

Ted!