Albert Stark I'm not a hero. I'm the guy in the corner, making fun of the hero's shirt, that's who I am.
Most-quoted character in A Million Ways to Die in the West (2014): in 9 of its 10 quotes
Most scenes with: Anna (3)
The last time somebody gave me one of these, I became convinced that prairie dogs could read my mind.
More lines from Albert Stark
1 quote Albert Stark Scenes with Albert Stark
7 scenes Albert The guy is one of the best shots around. I look like I have Parkinson's next to him.
Louise What is that?
Albert It's just another way God mysteriously shows that he loves us.
George Stark
You're late!
Albert For what?
George Stark
Fair enough.
You're a good sheep farmer!
Albert Oh my god, please! I suck at sheep. Louise was right, I can't keep track of them. There was a sheep in the whorehouse the last week.
Really?
Albert Yeah. Wandered in there, and then when I went to pick it up, somehow it had made twenty dollars.
Albert [At target practice]
I fired a gun at the shooting gallery.
Yeah, but those are quarter loads. These are full loads.
Albert Okay, all right, get ready. I'm about to shoot a full load at your cans.
God, why are the Indians always so mad?
Albert I don't know.
I mean we're basically splitting this country 50/50 with them.
Albert They're just selfish.
Indian Chief
(after Albert's drug trip hallucination; in Athabaskan)
Did you shoot the black condor and then kicked it in the balls?
Albert (in Athabaskan)
...Yes.
Clinch (after Clinch shoots him and distracts him long enough for the venom to kick in; drowsily)
What's happening to me...?
Albert (as Clinch succumbs to his death, slowly lying down)
You know, there are a million ways to die in the west, Clinch. There's, uh, famine, disease, gunfights... And, uh, wild animals. You know, like snakes. And, you know, the funny thing is, you don't even have to get bitten. All you need is a little bit of the venom introduced into your bloodstream, and you're pretty much screwed. (cut to flashback with Albert and the Indians putting snake venom in a bullet) For example, if you drain a certain amount of venom from the fangs of a diamondback rattler into a hollow-tip bullet, you really only need one shot. Now, I knew my aim wasn't good enough to hit you anywhere important. But if I caught you by surprise... Well, Anna taught me just enough to get me in the ballpark. (cut to present) And just a small amount of venom in an open wound is enough to kill a man if he's-
Ruth Albert! He's dead. You did it.
Albert Oh.
Ruth Yeah.
Albert Did he hear all that smart stuff I did?
Edward Uh... No. No, I don't think so.
Albert Oh. Well, it was still good though.
Edward Yeah, it was great!
Ruth I thought it was really good.
