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Million Ways to Die in the West, A

Million Ways to Die in the West, A quotes

10 total quotes

Albert Stark


View Quote Albert: [At target practice] I fired a gun at the shooting gallery.
Anna: Yeah, but those are quarter loads. These are full loads.
Albert: Okay, all right, get ready. I'm about to shoot a full load at your cans.
View Quote Albert: The guy is one of the best shots around. I look like I have Parkinson's next to him.
Louise: What is that?
Albert: It's just another way God mysteriously shows that he loves us.
View Quote Anna: [to Louise] How can you be so blind with eyes that big?! [leaves]
Louise: [flustered] They're not... that big.
Foy: My dear, they're practically Chinese!
Louise: [kissing him] God, I love you!
View Quote Anna: God, why are the Indians always so mad?
Albert: I don't know.
Anna: I mean we're basically splitting this country 50/50 with them.
Albert: They're just selfish.
View Quote Anna: You're a good sheep farmer!
Albert: Oh my god, please! I suck at sheep.  Louise was right, I can't keep track of them. There was a sheep in the whorehouse the last week.
Anna: Really?
Albert: Yeah. Wandered in there, and then when I went to pick it up, somehow it had made twenty dollars.
View Quote Clinch: (after Clinch shoots him and distracts him long enough for the venom to kick in; drowsily) What's happening to me...?
Albert: (as Clinch suc****bs to his death, slowly lying down) You know, there are a million ways to die in the west, Clinch. There's, uh, famine, disease, gunfights... And, uh, wild animals. You know, like snakes. And, you know, the funny thing is, you don't even have to get bitten. All you need is a little bit of the venom introduced into your bloodstream, and you're pretty much screwed. (cut to flashback with Albert and the Indians putting snake venom in a bullet) For example, if you drain a certain amount of venom from the fangs of a diamondback rattler into a hollow-tip bullet, you really only need one shot. Now, I knew my aim wasn't good enough to hit you anywhere important. But if I caught you by surprise... Well, Anna taught me just enough to get me in the ballpark. (cut to present) And just a small amount of venom in an open wound is enough to kill a man if he's-
Ruth: Albert! He's dead. You did it.
Albert: Oh.
Ruth: Yeah.
Albert: Did he hear all that smart stuff I did?
Edward: Uh... No. No, I don't think so.
Albert: Oh. Well, it was still good though.
Edward: Yeah, it was great!
Ruth: I thought it was really good.
View Quote George Stark: You're late!
Albert: For what?
George Stark: Fair enough.
View Quote Indian Chief: (after Albert's drug trip hallucination; in Athabaskan) Did you shoot the black condor and then kicked it in the balls?
Albert: (in Athabaskan) ...Yes.
View Quote I'm not a hero. I'm the guy in the corner, making fun of the hero's shirt, that's who I am.
View Quote [being offered a pot cookie by Anna]  The last time somebody gave me one of these, I became convinced that prairie dogs could read my mind.