Asian Man What the hell you problem?! You breaka my wall, I breaka your wall!
Ted quotes
Page 1 of 2 Asian Man Johnny, where are you? You gotta get over here!
Why? What's going on?
So I'm having a little impromptu thing with some people at my apartment, and John, Sam Jones is here!
What?
Sam Jones, Flash ****in' Gordon, is here!
Holy shit, what?
You remember how I said my buddy's cousin is friends with Sam Jones? My buddy's in town with his cousin, and who do you think is with him? Sam Jones! Sam Jones is here, and John, [whispering] his hair is parted down the middle!
Just like in the movie.
Yes. Get over here right now.
****, I can't! I'm with Lori. I'm already on probation. I... I just can't.
John, Flash Gordon was the most important influence of our formative years. He taught us right from wrong, good from evil, and that the word "acting" apparently has an extremely broad definition. Flash Gordon is the symbol of our friendship, John. Come share this with me.
...I'm coming.
Sam Jones We are gonna party like the eighties.
Show us how, Flash.
Sam Jones Easy. We just gotta nail a lot of girls named Stephanie.
God, Johnny, I've got so much energy. We'd better start doing stupid shit.
Hey, Johnny, there you are. Man, I had to get some air. That guy from your office is in there on the couch makin' out with that Van Wilder-lookin' guy.
You know what? **** you. I don't even wanna talk to you.
What?
Do you know what just happened? Do you have any clue? My ****in' life just ended!
Wha... Oh, come on. She'll go home, she'll watch Bridget Jones's Somethin'-Asshole, she'll have a good cry, she'll be fine. You'll talk to her tomorrow. Come on upstairs.
[Ted suddenly realizes the seriousness of the situation]
...Of course I do, Johnny. Thunder Buddies for life, remember?
Jesus! You know, Lori was right. I shoulda stopped hangin' out with you a long time ago! I'm never gonna have a life with you around! I'm 35 years old and I'm goin' nowhere! All I do is smoke pot and watch movies with a teddy-****in'-bear! Because of that, I just lost the love of my life...
Johnny, I'm... I'm sorry.
I gotta be on my own, Ted. I can't see you anymore.
Donny Your mine Ted?
Screw you pal, I belong to John Bennett!
Donny [last lines]
But B can give you love and rocking horses, and dancing.
I think we're very far apart on this.
John and Ted
When you hear the sound of thunder, don't you get too scared, just grab your thunder buddy, and say these magic words: "**** you, thunder! You can suck my dick! You can't get me thunder 'cause you're just God's farts!"
Rex Lori, I need to see you in my office.
Lori The thing is Rex, I have alot of work I need to get through.
Rex Oh this is work I swear.
Lori Ugh great.
Rex Good luck then.
Robert [last lines]
NO! YOU CAN'T HAVE MY TEDDY BEAR!
Lori [John punches Robert in the face and knocks on the fool.]
Holy shit?
Sorry, Somebody had to go Joan Crawford on that kid, come on.
Store Manager
So, you think you got what it takes?
I'll tell you what I got; your wife's pussy on my breath!
Store Manager
Nobody's ever talked to me like that before.
That's 'cause everyone's mouth is usually full of your wife's box!
Store Manager
You're hired.
Shit!
Store Manager
You had sexual intercourse with a co-worker on top of the produce that we sell to the public?
I **** her with a parsnip last week. And I sold the parsnip to a family of four small children.
Store Manager
That took guts. We need guts. I'm promoting you.
You've got a lot of problems, don't you?
Oh, my god!
I'm alive! Your magical wish worked!
You're back! How did-
Yeah, I mean, when you filled me up, you put some of the stuffing in some of the wrong places, so I'm a little **** up. But will you take care of me forever and ever? [turns out to be normal] Ha-ha! I'm just kidding ya! I just thought it'd be funny if you actually thought I was ****in' ****.
Come 'ere, you bastard!
I saw Lori leaving the apartment with Rex.
What?
I'm serious, John. I went over to talk to her and maybe take some of the heat off you, and there he was, picking her up. They were going to the Hatch Shell.
You're **** unbelievable, you know that? I mean, how stupid do you think I am? If you think, by making shit like that up, you're gonna make me choose some kind of loyalty to you over her, you're out of your **** mind...
Johnny, it's the truth, I'm telling you.
You know what? Get outta here...
You're acting like a ****, you know that?
What now?! I'm acting like a ****?!
Yes, you are. So shut your meat hole for a second and listen to me.
Huh?
Meat hole. No, that's not right, is it? No. Pudding hole? Is that what they say? No, that can't be that either right? Because, "'cause how can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat?!" Heh, Pink Floyd. Look, the point is you're blaming me for something that you did to yourself. Lori was right about you. You cannot take responsibility for anything that goes on in your life.
Oh, and you can?
I don't have to! I'm a **** teddy bear! You know something? I didn't tie you up and drag you to that party. Alright? I wanted you to come because you're supposedly my best friend!
You can't stand there and say you haven't always seen Lori as a threat to our friendship! I mean, it works out so much better for you when you and I are getting **** up on the couch at 9 AM, doesn't it?!
Listen to yourself! What am I, Emperor Ming here controlling your mind? That's your choice, John! And you know, by blaming me, you're just making yourself look like a pussy.
[Angered]
You know, sometimes I think back to that Christmas morning when I was 8 years old, I wish I just got a Teddy Ruxpin.
Say that one more time.
TEDDY-RUX-****-PIN!
If you can punch through this wall, you really are Flash Gordon.
Are you gonna do it?
Sam I'm gonna punch through!
Come on Sam! Do it!!
There you are, John. There's some guy in your office is making out with that Van Wielder looking guy.
You know what, **** you. I don't even wanna talk to you!
What?
Do you what just happened? Do you have any clue? My **** life just ended!
Oh come on. She'll go home watching Bridget Jones something asshole. You'll talk to her tomorrow. Come on upstairs.
Are you even listening to me?! DID YOU GIVE ANY SHRED OF A SHIT?!?
...Course I do, John. Thunder Buddies for life, remember?
Why you crying?
My dick is squished by the TV.