If you can punch through this wall, you really are Flash Gordon.
John
Are you gonna do it?
Sam I'm gonna punch through!
Come on Sam! Do it!!
Played by Bretton Manley 
Ted (2012) · 22 quotes
Ted (2012) · 22 quotes
2nd most-quoted character in Ted (2012): in 8 of its 22 quotes
Most scenes with: Ted (7)
Scenes with John
8 scenes Sam There you are, John. There's some guy in your office is making out with that Van Wielder looking guy.
John
You know what, **** you. I don't even wanna talk to you!
What?
John
Do you what just happened? Do you have any clue? My **** life just ended!
Oh come on. She'll go home watching Bridget Jones something asshole. You'll talk to her tomorrow. Come on upstairs.
John
Are you even listening to me?! DID YOU GIVE ANY SHRED OF A SHIT?!?
...Course I do, John. Thunder Buddies for life, remember?
I saw Lori leaving the apartment with Rex.
John
What?
I'm serious, John. I went over to talk to her and maybe take some of the heat off you, and there he was, picking her up. They were going to the Hatch Shell.
John
You're **** unbelievable, you know that? I mean, how stupid do you think I am? If you think, by making shit like that up, you're gonna make me choose some kind of loyalty to you over her, you're out of your **** mind...
Johnny, it's the truth, I'm telling you.
John
You know what? Get outta here...
You're acting like a ****, you know that?
John
What now?! I'm acting like a ****?!
Yes, you are. So shut your meat hole for a second and listen to me.
John
Huh?
Meat hole. No, that's not right, is it? No. Pudding hole? Is that what they say? No, that can't be that either right? Because, "'cause how can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat?!" Heh, Pink Floyd. Look, the point is you're blaming me for something that you did to yourself. Lori was right about you. You cannot take responsibility for anything that goes on in your life.
John
Oh, and you can?
I don't have to! I'm a **** teddy bear! You know something? I didn't tie you up and drag you to that party. Alright? I wanted you to come because you're supposedly my best friend!
John
You can't stand there and say you haven't always seen Lori as a threat to our friendship! I mean, it works out so much better for you when you and I are getting **** up on the couch at 9 AM, doesn't it?!
Listen to yourself! What am I, Emperor Ming here controlling your mind? That's your choice, John! And you know, by blaming me, you're just making yourself look like a pussy.
John
[Angered]
You know, sometimes I think back to that Christmas morning when I was 8 years old, I wish I just got a Teddy Ruxpin.
Say that one more time.
John
TEDDY-RUX-****-PIN!
Why you crying?
John
My dick is squished by the TV.
Robert [last lines]
NO! YOU CAN'T HAVE MY TEDDY BEAR!
Lori [John punches Robert in the face and knocks on the fool.]
Holy shit?
John
Sorry, Somebody had to go Joan Crawford on that kid, come on.
John
Oh, my god!
I'm alive! Your magical wish worked!
John
You're back! How did-
Yeah, I mean, when you filled me up, you put some of the stuffing in some of the wrong places, so I'm a little **** up. But will you take care of me forever and ever? [turns out to be normal] Ha-ha! I'm just kidding ya! I just thought it'd be funny if you actually thought I was ****in' ****.
John
[laughing]
You asshole!
Come 'ere, you bastard!
John
[talking on his phone]
Hi, Ted.
Johnny, where are you? You gotta get over here!
John
Why? What's going on?
So I'm having a little impromptu thing with some people at my apartment, and John, Sam Jones is here!
John
What?
Sam Jones, Flash ****in' Gordon, is here!
John
Holy shit, what?
You remember how I said my buddy's cousin is friends with Sam Jones? My buddy's in town with his cousin, and who do you think is with him? Sam Jones! Sam Jones is here, and John, [whispering] his hair is parted down the middle!
John
Just like in the movie.
Yes. Get over here right now.
John
****, I can't! I'm with Lori. I'm already on probation. I... I just can't.
John, Flash Gordon was the most important influence of our formative years. He taught us right from wrong, good from evil, and that the word "acting" apparently has an extremely broad definition. Flash Gordon is the symbol of our friendship, John. Come share this with me.
John
...I'm coming.
Hey, Johnny, there you are. Man, I had to get some air. That guy from your office is in there on the couch makin' out with that Van Wilder-lookin' guy.
John
You know what? **** you. I don't even wanna talk to you.
What?
John
Do you know what just happened? Do you have any clue? My ****in' life just ended!
Wha... Oh, come on. She'll go home, she'll watch Bridget Jones's Somethin'-Asshole, she'll have a good cry, she'll be fine. You'll talk to her tomorrow. Come on upstairs.
John
[Furious]
Are you even listenin' to me?! DID YOU GIVE ANY SHRED OF A SHIT?!?!
[Ted suddenly realizes the seriousness of the situation]
...Of course I do, Johnny. Thunder Buddies for life, remember?
John
Jesus! You know, Lori was right. I shoulda stopped hangin' out with you a long time ago! I'm never gonna have a life with you around! I'm 35 years old and I'm goin' nowhere! All I do is smoke pot and watch movies with a teddy-****in'-bear! Because of that, I just lost the love of my life...
Johnny, I'm... I'm sorry.
John
I gotta be on my own, Ted. I can't see you anymore.
