V Villagers
[In a nearby village, an angry mob gather up to go to deal with Shrek. At night, they gather their torches and pitchforks and enter the swamp, trampling over Shrek's warning signs. Shrek sees them after investigating the commotion, rolling his eyes. The hunters stop outside Shrek's home, unaware that Shrek is sneaking up behind them.] [off-screen]
I think he's in there?
VC Villager Chris
[sotto; intense]
All right, LET'S GET HIM! [Another villager looks alarmed and reaches out, grabbing the first and stopped him]
VJ Villager James
Whoa, hold on! Do you know what that thing could do to you? [A third villager pipes in]
VM Villager Mike
[foreboding]
Yeah, he'll grind your bones for its bread. [The other villagers all stare at him bewildered]
[brightly, laughing]
Yes. [exposes himself, villagers gasp] Well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres... oh, they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin!
They'll shave your liver, squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast.
VJ Villager James
[waves his torches in front of Shrek]
BACK! BACK, BEAST! BACK! I WARN YA! [Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch like a match; he smiles nervously] Right.
[Shrek let out a huge long roars. Simultaneously, the villagers close their eyes and shout in shock, horror and panic for all they're worth. The villagers' huge, long shouts are too fast. Their shouts outlast Shrek's roars, and Shrek pounds them for a moment.] [whispers]
This is the part, where you run away. [the villagers do so; laughs] And stay out! [looks down at a discarded poster and picks it up to inspect.] "Wanted: Fairy tale creatures." [sighs, as he tosses the poster away.]
[Shrek and Donkey are now walking through the sunflower fields heading away from Duloc. Shrek is munching on an onion as he makes a mess in the fields]
Okay, so let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp, which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. Is that about right?
You know, maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.
I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grind his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip.
Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?
For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think.
Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions. [he holds out his onion]
[sniffs the onion]
They stink?
Oh, you leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.
No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. [he throws away the onion and walks off]
Oh, you both have layers. Oh. [sniffs] You know, not everybody likes onions. CAKE! [trailing after Shrek] Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.
I don't care... what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. [walks passed Donkey]
You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "Heck no, I don't like no parfaits"? Parfaits are delicious.
[impatient]
NO!!!! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! End of story. Bye-bye. [whispers] See you later.
Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole darn planet.
You know, I think I preferred your humming.
Do you have a tissue or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait makes me start slobbering.
[Shrek groans as he regains consciousness. His back is to Princess Fiona, lying upright on the bed near the window. Though a bit startled, she is ecstatic to see her knight in shining armor. She straightens her dress, lies back down, and then quickly reaches over for a bouquet off the side table. She lies back down and pretends to be asleep, clutching the bouquet to her breast. Shrek turns, takes note of the princess and walks across the room over to her. He bends down over to Fiona, and she puckers her lips. Shrek takes her by the shoulders and forcefully shakes her.]
I am... [smiling] awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.
Ah, that's nice. Now let's go!
[Shrek turns to leave and Fiona quickly sits upright]
But, wait, Shrek! This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment? [she tosses the bouquet and lays back down, swooning]
Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time. [Shrek walks back, grabs Fiona's arm. and hauls her out of bed and toward the door]
Hey, wait. What are you doing? You know, you should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed. [Shrek yanks on the door handle only for it to snap off]
You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?
Mm-hmm. [screams as Shrek suddenly smashes the door down with his shoulder, still holding onto her arm. He rushes down the tower's staircase in tow and grabs a torch] But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an imagine poem for me. [Shrek and Fiona cross the bridge connecting the tallest tower to the rest of the castle] A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? A something! [Fiona pulls her arm out. They stop for a moment as Shrek figures out which direction to go.]
Well, can I at least know the name of my champion?
Sir Shrek. [she smiles, clears her throat, and holds out a handkerchief] I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.
[Shrek regards the handkerchief curiously and wipes his sooty face with it, blackening it. He hands it back to an appalled Fiona, but before she can react, they are startled by The Dragon's roar as she drops it to the floor]
You didn't slay the dragon?!
It's on my to-do list; now come on! [Shrek grabs Fiona once again and takes off running toward the direction of the dragon's roar]
But-but-but- this isn't right! They were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did!
Yeah, right before they burst into flames!
[He gestures at the skeleton of a knight laying against the wall, a charred outline of a man burned into the stone behind it]
That's not the point! Ugh!
[Fiona pulls her arm out and stops running. Shrek pauses to look around and heads for a set of wooden doors]
Wait, where are you going? The exit's over there!
[she points her arm to her left and Shrek turns around]
Well, I have to save my backside.
What kind of knight are you?
[Shrek quietly pushes open the doors, stepping out onto a balcony of a large, spacious room. In the center of the room, Dragon has Donkey wrapped up on her tail. Dragon sits on a floor littered with a horde of gold coins and jewels]
Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. Look, I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long period of time. Just, just call me old-fashioned. I don't want to rush into a... a physical relationship. I'm not...not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this, uh - - "magnitude" really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude.
[Dragon gently caresses Donkey with a single claw]
Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing?
[Dragon looks up at the chandelier hanging above them and gently lights its candles with her fire breath]
Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. I mean, we really should get to know each other first, you know, as friends or maybe even pen pals. Y'know cause I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards to read --
[Shrek jumps off the balcony, grabbing a chain connected to the chandelier. The chain does not hang low enough for him to be able to grab Donkey and sends him swinging over Dragon. The chain swings back and ends up dangling him above her]
Oh, y'know I'd, I'd really love to stay, but --
[Dragon tugs at Donkey's tail with her mouth]
Hey, hey, don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission to-- hey! What are you gonna do with that?
[Dragon purses her lips and gets ready to kiss Donkey. Shrek looks up and sees the chain is jammed above him. He starts shaking it to try and release it from the pulley. Suddenly the pulley comes loose, and Shrek starts falling]
Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!
[Shrek lands on Donkey and bumps him out of Dragon's grasp just as she is about to kiss him, and now instead kisses Shrek's arse. She opens her eyes and roars. Shrek lets go of the chain, and the chandelier falls onto her head, making a collar around her neck. She roars again, and Shrek and Donkey take off running. They dodge a blast of fire from Dragon. Shrek grabs Donkey in one arm and then grabs Princess Fiona, who has wandered into the room, with the other arm as he runs past her.]
Yeah, it's getting him to shut up; that's the trick.
[They all gasp as Shrek suddenly stops, having reached the end of the balcony. Shrek spots a fallen column that has formed a sort of slide. He jumps on it just as Dragon tries to bite them and slides down it. Unfortunately, there is a crack in the stone, which hits Shrek right in the crotch. His eyes cross, and as he reaches the bottom of the slide, he groans and stumbles off. Dragon chases after them, the chain of the chandelier still unravelling. Dragon chases them through a large hall, her chain looping itself around multiple stone pillars as Shrek zigzags around them. Dragon ends up in front of them and breathes fire. Shrek dodges the fire and runs away, leaping over several rows of chains. He comes to a halt.]
Okay, you two, head for the exit! [setting down Donkey and Fiona] I'll take care of The Dragon.
[Shrek grabs a sword lodged in the floor and sticks it through a link in the chain and deep into the floor. Shrek catches up with Donkey and Fiona, who are waiting near the exit]
RUN!!
[They sprint as fast as they can out of the castle and onto the rickety bridge as Dragon breathes a huge fireball behind them. As they reach the middle of the bridge, the fire burns the bridge, and it snaps in half. They hang onto the bridge as they are swung to the other side. Donkey, unable to grab on, falls off, but Shrek catches him by the leg. Fiona screams in horror as Dragon flies over the boiling lava to get them. Suddenly, the chandelier pulls Dragon back, the sword having lodged itself into a stone column and getting the chain stuck. The Dragon stopped from making a mistake. The group quickly climbs up to safety. Dragon lets out a stopped roar, then gives a sad whimper.]
[Shrek has built a fire and is cooking the rest of dinner while Fiona eats.]
Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?
Uh, weed rat. Rotisserie style.
No kidding. Well, this is delicious.
Well, they’re also great in stews. Now, I don’t mean to brag, but I make a mean weed rat stew. [chuckles]
[Fiona looks at DULOC and sighs.]
I guess I’ll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.
Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I’ll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare-- you name it.
[They smiled at each other.]
Um, Princess?
I, um, I was wondering…are you… [sighs] Are you gonna eat that?
[chuckles]
Well, isn’t this romantic? Just look at that sunset.
[jumps up]
Sunset?! Oh, no! I mean, it’s late. I-It’s very late.
Wait a minute. I see what’s goin’ on here. You’re afraid of the dark, aren’t you?
Yes! Yes, that’s it. I’m terrified. You know, I’d better go inside.
Don’t feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until-- Hey, no, wait. I’m still afraid of the dark.
[Shrek sighs.]
Good night.
[Fiona goes inside the windmill and closes the door. Donkey looks at Shrek with a new eye.]
Ohh! Now I really see what’s goin’ on here.
Oh, what are you talkin’ about?
I don’t even wanna hear it. Look, I’m an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin’ on each other. I could feel it.
You’re crazy. I’m just bringing her back to Farquaad.
Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.
I...There’s nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know...and I’m not sayin’ I do ‘cause I don’t...she’s a princess, and I’m...
To get… more firewood. [sighs]
[Donkey looks over at the large pile of firewood there already is.]
[Shrek shows Donkey some star constellations]
Over there. That's Throwback, the only ogre ever to spit over three wheatfields.
Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?
Well, the stars don't tell the future, Donkey, they tell stories. [points] Look, there's Bloodnut the Flatulent. [grins] You can guess what he's famous for!
Alright, I know you're makin' this up.
No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.
Ah, that ain't nothin' but a buncha little dots!
Y'know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. [pauses, then indicates himself] Hmm? [pause] Ah, never mind.
[pause]
Hey, Shrek. What are we gonna do, when we get our swamp back?
Y'know, when we're through with rescuin' the princess and all that stuff.
We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. And the first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall around my land.
[looks hurt]
You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. [cheerful again] Y'know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is to try and keep somebody out.
Are you hidin' something?
Ooooh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?
No, this is one of those "drop it and leave it alone" things.
Why don't you wanna talk about it?
[irritated now]
Why do you WANT to talk about it?
[really getting angry]
Donkey, I'm warning you...
Who are you trying to keep out? Just tell me that, Shrek. Who?
[loses it]
EVERYONE, OKAY?!?
[pause] [grins]
Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere!
OH, FOR THE LOVE OF PETE!
What exactly is your problem, Shrek? What you got against the world, huh?
I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go "Arrrgh! Help! Run! A big stupid ugly ogre!" [sighs, feeling sad] They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.
[pause]
Y'know, when we met, I didn't think you were just a big stupid ugly ogre.
So... [looks back at the stars] are there any donkeys up there?
Well, there's Gabby the Small... and Annoying.
Oh yeah, I see him. That big shiny one there, right?
[The pair start making their way through the hallways of the dragon's dark and spooky keep. Shrek is wary, while Donkey is downright terrified. Only an occasional torch lights the way. The passages are littered with bones, armor, and weapons, presumably belonging to the remains of unsuccessful knights who tried to rescue the princess.] [whispers nervously]
You afraid?
No. But.... [shushes Donkey in the fear of awakening the dragon]
[sighs]
Oh, good. Me neither. [gets spooked and gasps] 'Cause there's nothing wrong with being afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. An unfamiliar, dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire. It sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're in danger. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.
[Donkey crashes into a pile of knight remains, knocking over a skeleton whose helmet lands on Donkey's head. The skeleton's head falls off, and Donkey gasps]
Donkey, 2 things, okay? Shut. Up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs. [grabs the helmet and puts it on]
Stairs? I thought we were looking for the princess.
[picking up pieces of armor]
The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.
What makes you think she'll be there?
I read it in a book once. [walks off]
Cool. You handle The Dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're going.
[Shrek, now adorned in knight armor, walks off further into the castle. Donkey wanders off in the opposite direction, still talking to himself, and pushes his way through a giant set of doors]
I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it.
[Behind a broken wall, a giant eye opens to see an unaware Donkey. Elsewhere, Shrek spots a light in the window of a tower.]
Well, at least we know where the princess is. But where's the-?
[Donkey screams in horror and takes off running, narrowly dodging the Dragon's fiery breath. The Dragon chases after Donkey, stomping on the pile of knight remains in her way. Shrek turns around to see Donkey barreling toward him with the Dragon close behind him]
DONKEY, LOOK OUT!!! AAH!
[Shrek manages to grab Donkey out of the way just as The Dragon breathes another fireball. Donkey drops to the floor to avoid another fireball, which manages to singe the tuft of his tail. The Dragon is just about to eat Donkey when Shrek grabs hold of her tail.]
GOT YA!!!! [The Dragon begins to swing her tail back and forth with Shrek still holding on, then launches him to fly into the air.] AAAAAAH! [Shrek crashes through the roof of the tallest tower and into Fiona's room. Fiona wakes up and looks at him lying on the floor, unconscious.]
[The Dragon now focuses her attention on Donkey, breathing fire at him and forcing him onto a stone bridge. The Dragon knocks down portions of the bridge until Donkey is left standing on a lone pillar]
No. Oh, no, No! [the dragon growls] Oh, what large teeth you have?! [The Dragon roars] I mean white, sparkling teeth!
[The Dragon pauses, looks at him inquisitively, and then smiles. Donkey might just flatter his way out of becoming dragon food.]
I know you probably hear this all the time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness?
[The dragon appears to be flattered by Donkey's compliments]
And you know what else? You know what else? You're-- You're-- [The Dragon leans forward and gazes at Donkey, revealing her long eyelashes and lipsticked mouth. Suddenly it was all clear to Donkey] --a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. [The Dragon flutters her eyes at him] What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? [Dragon blows a heart-shaped smoke ring at Donkey] Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh... [coughs] I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings and stuff. Shrek! [Dragon picks him up by the tail in her mouth and happily carries him off] No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
