Thelonious
Three! Pick number three, my lord!
Donkey
Eddie Murphy · 66 quotes
Shrek
Mike Myers · 62 quotes
Princess Fiona
18 quotes
Lord Farquaad
John Lithgow · 12 quotes
Fiona
Cameron Diaz · 5 quotes
DVD Menu
2 quotes
Most scenes together: Shrek & Donkey (35), Donkey & Princess Fiona (13), Shrek & Princess Fiona (11)
Shrek quotes
Page 3 of 8
Wrestling Fan
The chair! Give him the chair!
1st Villager
(Shrek sneaks up on a mob about to storm his swamp)
Do you know what that thing could do to you?
2nd Villager
Yeah, it'll grind your bones for its bread!
Actually, that would be a giant. But ogres, oh, they're much worse. They'll make a soup from your freshly peeled skin! They'll shave your liver, squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually it's quite good on toast...
2nd Villager
(waves a torch in front of Shrek)
Back! Back, ya beast! I warn ya!
2nd Villager
(Shrek licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch like a match)
Oh...
[A little time has passed, and Fiona has calmed down. She just hangs there limply while Shrek carries her.]
Okay, so here’s another question. Say there’s a woman that digs you, right, but you don’t really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren’t hurt, but you don’t get burned to a crisp and eaten?
You just tell her she’s not your true love. Everyone knows what happens when you find your… [Shrek drops her on the ground] Hey! The sooner we get to Duloc, the better.
You’re gonna love it there, Princess. It’s beautiful!
And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What’s he like?
Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad’s stature are in short supply. [he and Donkey laugh]
[Shrek then proceeds to splash water onto his face to wash off the dust and grime.]
I don’t know. There are those who think little of him.
[They laugh again.]
Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You’re just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.
Yeah, well, maybe you’re right, Princess. But I’ll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.
[looks at the setting sun]
Tomorrow?! It’ll take that long? Shouldn’t we stop to make camp?
No, that’ll take longer. We can keep going.
But there’s robbers in the woods.
Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camp is starting to sound good.
Hey, come on. I’m scarier than anything we’re going to see in this forest.
I need to find somewhere to camp NOW!!!!
[Both Donkey and Shrek’s ears lower as they shrink away from her.]
Gingerbread Man
[A masked man named Thelonious is torturing the Gingerbread Man. He's continually dunking him in a glass of milk. A prince named Lord Farquaad puts his gloves on and walks in] [Off-screen]
No! [makes mumbling noises when trying to talk in the milk]
[his first words]
That's enough! He's ready to talk. [puts him down; Farquaad laughs, then signals for the table to lower] Run, run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me, I'm the Gingerbread Man!
Gingerbread Man
[angrily]
You're a monster.
I'm not the monster here! You think. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world.NOW TELL ME! WHERE ARE THE OTHERS?!
Gingerbread Man
Eat me! [spits at Farquaad]
[grunts]
I've tried to be fair with your creatures, but now my patience has reached its END!!!! TELL ME, OR I'LL--!!
Gingerbread Man
[Farquaad reaches to touch one of Gingerbread Man's buttons]
No! Not the buttons! Not my gumdrop buttons!
ALL RIGHT, FINE, THEN, WHO'S HIDING THEM?!
Gingerbread Man
Okay! I'll tell you. Do you know the Muffin Man?
The Muffin Man?
Gingerbread Man
The Muffin Man.
Yes. I know the Muffin Man. Who-who lives on Drury Lane?
Gingerbread Man
Well, she's married to the Muffin Man.
THE MUFFIN MAN?!
Gingerbread Man
THE MUFFIN MAN!
She's married to the Muffin Man.
Captain of the Guard
[his last words]
My lord! We found it.
Well, then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.
Gingerbread Man
[Guards hang a shrouded figure from a chain. They pull the cover off, revealing an ornate, full-sized mirror. A terrified face appears in the mirror]
Ohhh...
Magic Mirror.
Gingerbread Man
Don't tell him anything! [Farquaad drops him in the trash can] No!
Evening. Mirror, mirror, on the wall, is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?
Magic Mirror
Well, technically, You're not a king.
Uh, Thelonious? [Thelonious the executioner smashes a small looking glass] You were saying?
Magic Mirror
[nervous]
What I mean is, you're not a king yet! But you can become one! All you have to do is marry a princess.
...Go on.
[After Shrek scares the guards off; Donkey is meeting Shrek, while following him.]
Can I say something to you? Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible!
[annoyed]
Are you talking to? [turns around and Donkey is gone] Me? [turns back around, Donkey shows up] Ha!
Yes, I was talking to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back there? Man, those guards! They thought they were all that. Then you showed up and bam! They were tripping over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.
That's great. Really.
Man, it's good to be free.
Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? [walks off]
But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. [catches up to Shrek] Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're a mean, green, fighting machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us. [Shrek exhales while turning around and roars at him]
Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me saying, if that doesn't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause your breath *stinks!* [As Shrek continues walking off, annoyed. He shows up from the tree branch, blocking Shrek's way.] Man, you almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time. [Shrek covers his mouth, but he is still talking in muffled; he removes his hand] Then I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gas leaking out of my butt that day.
Why...are you following me?
I'll tell you why. [sings] 'Cause I'm all alone / There's no one here beside me / My problems have all gone / There's no one to deride me! / But ya gotta have friends! [finishes singing]
STOP SINGING!!!! [picks up Donkey by his ears and tail] Look, it's no wonder you don't have any friends.
Wow! Only a true friend would be that truly honest.
Listen, Little Donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?
Uh... [looks up at Shrek] ...Really tall?
No! I'm an ogre! You know, "Grab your torch and pitchforks!" Doesn't that bother you?
Really, really?
Oh.
Man, I like you. What's your name?
Uh... Shrek. [continues walking]
"Shrek"? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-know-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that. You all right. [he and Shrek finds his home] Woo, look at that. Who'd want to live in a place like that?
That would be home.
And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know, you were quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. [looks at the rock nearby] I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.
Bishop
[As the priest talks, we see Donkey’s shadow through one of the windows. Shrek tosses him up so he can see.]
And so, by the power vested in me.
The whole town’s in there.
Bishop
[Inside]
I now pronounce you…
Bishop
[Inside]
…king and queen.
Oh, for the love of Pete!
[He runs inside without catching Donkey, who hits the ground hard.]
I am stay outside. [Shrek hears skittering. He spins to look, and he whips around to see Three Blind Mice stumbling around on his dinner table]
Mouse #1
Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have?
Mouse #2
Well, it's not home, but it'll do just fine.
Mouse #3
[Shrek starts toward the table. Mouse 3 walks up to Shrek's ear wax candle. Mouse 1 bounces on Shrek's slug]
What a lovely bed!
Gotcha!
Mouse #3
I've found some cheese!
Mouse #3
Blah! Awful stuff.
Mouse #2
Is that you Gorder?!
Mouse #3
How did you know?
Enough! What are you doing in my house? Hey! Oh, no, no, no, no! Get your dead broad off the table.
Dwarf
Where are we supposed to put it? The bed's taken.
Wolf
[Realizing, Shrek enters his bedroom, seeing the wolf in the bed]
What?
[Donkey has been telling Fiona about DuLoc]
And my groom-to-be, Lord Farquaad. What's he like?
Well, let me put it this way, Princess. [knowing glance at Donkey] Men of Farquaad's standards are in "short" supply. [chuckles]
No, Shrek. There are those who think very "little" of him!
[Shrek and Donkey laugh]
Stop it. Stop it, both of you! You know, you're just jealous that you could never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.
[suddenly anxious]
Tomorrow? Will it really take that long? Shouldn't we set up camp?
No, that'll take longer.
But there's... robbers in the woods!
[tense]
Whoa, time out, Shrek! Campin' sure is startin' to sound like a good idea 'round here!
Hey, come on! I'm scarier than anything we're gonna see in this forest--
[Donkey is asleep. Shrek is nowhere to be seen. Fiona is still awake. She is plucking petals from the sunflower.]
I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. [she quickly runs to the door and goes outside] Shrek! Shrek, there’s something I want...
[Fiona looks and sees the rising sun, and as the sun crests the sky, she turns back into a human. Just as she looks back at the sun, she sees Shrek stomping towards her.]
Shrek. Are you all right?
Perfect! Never been better.
I...I don’t...There’s something I have to tell you.
You don’t have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.
You heard what I said?
Every word.
I thought you’d understand.
Oh, I understand. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?"
But I thought that wouldn’t matter to you.
Yeah? Well, it does. [Fiona looks at him in shock. He looks past her and spots a group approaching.] Ah, right on time. Princess, I’ve brought you a little something.
[Farquaad has arrived with a group of his men. He looks very regal sitting up on his horse. You would never guess that he’s only like 3 feet tall. Donkey wakes up with a yawn as the soldiers march by.]
What’d I miss? What’d I miss? [he spots the soldiers, mumbling to himself.] Who said that? Couldn’t have been the Donkey.
Princess Fiona.
As promised. Now hand it over.
Very well, ogre. [holds out a piece of paper] The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed. Take it and go before I change my mind. [Shrek takes the paper] Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I am Lord Farquaad.
Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. [Farquaad snaps his fingers] Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... [Watches as Farquaad is lifted off his horse and set down in front of her. He comes to her waist.] farewell.
Oh, that is so sweet. You don’t have to waste good manners on the ogre. It’s not like it has feelings.
No, you’re right. It doesn’t.
[Donkey watches this exchange with a curious look on his face.]
Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage. Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?
Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make...
No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let’s get married today before the sun sets.
Oh, anxious, are we? You’re right. The sooner, the better. There’s so much to do! There’s the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests! [A guard puts Fiona on the back of his horse]
Fare-thee-well, ogre.
[Farquaad’s whole party begins to head back to DuLoc. Donkey watches them go.]
Shrek, what are you doing? You’re letting her get away.
Yeah? So what?
Shrek, there’s something about her you don’t know. Look, I talked to her last night. She’s....
I know you talked to her last night. You’re great pals, aren’t ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don’t you follow her home?
Shrek, I...I wanna go with you.
I told you, didn’t I? You’re not coming home with me. [to himself] I live alone! My swamp! Me! [to Donkey] Nobody else! Understand? [to himself] Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking Donkeys!
But I thought...
Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong. [stomps off]
Shrek?
[John Cale: "Hallelujah"] [Montage of different scenes. Shrek arriving back home. Fiona being fitted for the wedding dress. Donkey at a stream running into the dragon. Shrek cleaning up his house. Fiona eating dinner alone. Shrek eating dinner alone.]
[Donkey is still looking for the special flower.]
Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn’t color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.
Hold on, Shrek! I’m comin’! [rips a flower off a nearby bush that just happens to be a blue flower with red thorns]
[Donkey opens the door to the Windmill and walks in. Fiona is nowhere to be seen.]
Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? Princess? [Fiona looks at Donkey from the shadows, but he can’t see her.] It’s very spooky in here. I ain’t playing no games.
[Suddenly, Fiona falls from the railing. She gets up, but she doesn’t look like herself. She looks like an ogre, and Donkey starts freaking out.]
AAAAAHHHHH!!!
No! No! No!
OH, NO, HELP!
Shh!
SHREK!!! SHREK!!! SHREK!!!
No, it’s okay. It’s okay.
WHAT DID YOU DO WITH THE PRINCESS?!
Donkey, shh! I’m the princess.
AAAAAHHHHH!!!
It’s me, in this body.
Donkey?!
No!
SHREK!!! SHREK!!! SHREK!!!
Shh.
SHREK!!!
This is me.
[he looks into her eyes as she pets his muzzle, and he quiets down.]
Princess? What happened to you? You’re, uh, uh, uh, different.
I’m ugly, okay?
Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? ‘Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now...
No. I...I’ve been this way as long as I can remember.
What do you mean? Look, I ain’t never seen you like this before.
It only happens when the sun goes down. "By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm… until you find true love’s first kiss... and then take love’s true form."
Ah, that’s beautiful. I didn’t know you wrote poetry.
It’s a spell. [sighs] When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That’s why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this. [begins to cry]
All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it’s not that bad. You’re not that ugly. Well, I ain’t gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek’s ugly 24-7.
But Donkey, I’m a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look.
Princess, how ‘bout if you don’t marry Farquaad?
I have to. Only my true love’s kiss can break the spell.
But, you know, um, you’re kind of an ogre, and Shrek-- well, you got a lot in common.
Shrek?
[Fiona is trying to hide indoors before nightfall.]
Wait a minute, now I see what's going on here. [slight pause] You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?
Why... yes! Yes, that's it, I'm terrified!
Don't worry, princess, I used to be afraid of the dark too. But that was until-- No, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.
[Fiona walks out of the cave. She glances at Shrek and Donkey, who are still sleeping. She wanders off into the woods and comes across a blue bird. She begins to sing. The bird sings along with her. She hits higher and higher notes, and the bird struggles to keep up with her. Suddenly, the pressure of the note is too big, and the bird explodes. Fiona looks a little sheepish, but she eyes the eggs that the bird left behind. Time lapse: Fiona is now cooking the eggs for breakfast. Shrek and Donkey are still sleeping. Shrek wakes up and looks at Fiona. Donkey’s talking in his sleep.]
Donkey, wake up. [shakes him]
Huh? What?
Wake up.
What? [stretches and yawns]
Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?
Oh, good morning, Princess!
You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.
Uh, thanks.
[Donkey sniffs the eggs and licks his lips.]
Well, eat up. We’ve got a big day ahead of us. [walks off]
Bishop
[Fiona watches Farquaad get to become a new king. The whole tower is there. The prompter card guy holds up a card that says ‘Reverend Silence’.]
People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witness to the union...
Bishop
...of your new king.
Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do’s"?