Most scenes together: Peter Gibbons & Michael Bolton (10), Michael Bolton & Samir Nagheenanajar (9), Peter Gibbons & Samir Nagheenanajar (8)
So I was sitting in my cubicle today, and I realized, ever since I started working, every single day of my life has been worse than the day before it. So that means that every single day that you see me, that's on the worst day of my life.
Dr. Swanson What about today? Is today the worst day of your life?
Yeah.
Dr. Swanson Wow, that's messed up.
So you guys are gonna fire Mike and Samir, and you're gonna give *me* more money?
Uh-huh.
Wow.
Um, the 7-Eleven, right? You take a penny from the tray.
From the crippled children?
No, that's the jar. I'm talking about the tray, the pennies for everybody.
What if we're still doin' this when we're 50?
It would be nice to have that kind of job security.
What would you do if you had a million dollars?
I'll tell you what I'd do, man, two chicks at the same time, man.
That's it? If you had a million dollars, you'd do two chicks at the same time?
Damn straight. I always wanted to do that, man. And I think if I had a million dollars I could hook that up, cause chicks dig a dude with money.
Well, not all chicks.
Well the kind of chicks that'd double up on a dude like me do.
Good point.
Well what about you now? what would you do?
Besides two chicks at the same time?
Well yeah.
Nothing.
Nothing, huh?
I'd relax, I would sit on my ass all day, I would do nothing.
Well you don't need a million dollars to do nothing, man. Just take a look at my cousin, he's broke, don't do shit.
You see, Bob, it's not that I'm lazy, it's that I just don't care.
Don't...don't care?
It's a problem of motivation, all right? Now if I work my ass off and Initech ships a few extra units, I don't see another dime, so where's the motivation? And here's another thing, I have eight different bosses right now.
Eight?
Eight, Bob. So that means when I make a mistake, I have eight different people coming by to tell me about it. That's my only real motivation is not to be hassled, that, and the fear of losing my job. But you know, Bob, that will only make someone work just hard enough not to get fired.
You're gonna lay off Samir and Michael?
Oh yeah, we're bring in some entry-level graduates, farm some work out to Singapore, that's the usual deal.
Standard operating procedure.
Do they know this yet?
No. No, of course not. We find it's always better to fire people on a Friday. Studies have statistically shown that there's less chance of an incident if you do it at the end of the week.
What are you doing for lunch today?
Well, the specials today are... uh, blackened chicken and... the menu's actually right there. [walks off]
Is there some way to just give the money back?
What? You mean just hand them a check for the exact amount they're missing? I think they'd figure that out.
No one in this country can ever pronounce my name right. It's not that hard: Samir Na-gheen-an-a-jar. Nagheenanajar.
Yeah, well at least your name isn't Michael Bolton.
You know there's nothing wrong with that name.
There was nothing wrong with it... until I was about 12 years old and that no-talent ass clown became famous and started winning Grammys.
Hmm... well why don't you just go by Mike instead of Michael?
No way. Why should I change? He's the one who sucks.
No, not again. I... why does it say paper jam when there is no paper jam? I swear to God, one of these days, I just kick this piece of shit out the window.
You and me both, man. That thing is lucky I'm not armed.
Piece of shit.
I've been looking all over for you guys. Have you seen this? [gives Peter a printout of an email] I knew it. I knew it!
What, it's a staff meeting. So what?
So, what? We're all screwed, that's what! They're gonna downsize Initech!
What're you talking about, Tom? Now, how do you know that?
How do I know? They're bringing in a consultant, that's how I know! That's what this staff meeting's all about! It happened at Intitrode last year. You have to interview with this consultant; they call them "efficiency experts", but what you're really doing is interviewing for your own job!
Tom, every week you say you're gonna lose your job, and you're still here.
Not this time. I bet I'm the first one laid off. Just the thought of having to go to the state unemployment office and stand in line with those SCUMBAGS!
This isn't so bad, huh? Making bucks, getting exercise, working outside...
****in' A.
Woah! Hey, get a room you two!
[Imitates Joanna flipping everyone off] Heh, heh!
I really hate that guy.
Ah, ah, I almost forgot... I'm also going to need you to go ahead and come in on Sunday, too. We, uhhh, lost some people this week and we sorta need to play catch-up. Thaaaaaanks.
