Michael Bolton It's good to be a gangsta.
Played by David Herman 
Office Space (1999) · 91 quotes
Office Space (1999) · 91 quotes
2nd most-quoted character in Office Space (1999): in 22 of its 91 quotes
Most scenes with: Peter Gibbons (10), Samir Nagheenanajar (9), Tom Smykowski (2)
'Sup G?
More lines from Michael Bolton
8 quotes Michael Bolton Michael Bolton Yeah. Yeah. That's it. That's exactly what I need. Just give it to me. Come on. Come on, you little ****er. Let's go! That's what I need. Let's do that. Let's do exactly that, you little, fu--
Michael Bolton You know, you can just call me "Mike".
Michael Bolton I told those fudge packers that I liked Michael Bolton's music.
Michael Bolton We get caught laundering money, we're not going to white collar resort prison. No, no, no. We're going to **** federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison!
Michael Bolton PC load letter? What the **** does that mean?!
Michael Bolton That is the worst idea I've ever heard. [In response to hearing about the Jump to Conclusions Mat]
Michael Bolton Cockgobblers!
Scenes with Michael Bolton
13 scenes
Hey, guys.
Michael Bolton What's up, G?
Want to go to Chotchkie's? Get some coffee?
Oh, it's a little early.
I gotta get outta here. I think I'm gonna lose it.
Female Temp
Uh-oh. Sounds like somebody's got a case of the Mondays.
Lumbergh's gonna have me work on Saturday. I can tell already. I'm gonna end up doin' it, because, uh, because I'm a big pussy... which is why I work at Initech to begin with.
Michael Bolton Uh, yeah, well, I work at Initech and I don't consider myself a pussy, OK?
Yes, I am also not a pussy.
Our high school guidance counselor used to ask us what you'd do if you had a million dollars and you didn't have to work. And invariably what you'd say was supposed to be your career. So, if you wanted to fix old cars you're supposed to be an auto mechanic.
So what did you say?
I never had an answer. I guess that's why I'm working at Initech.
Michael Bolton No, you're working at Initech because that question is bullshit to begin with. If everyone listened to her, there'd be no janitors, because no one would clean shit up if they had a million dollars.
You know what I would do if I had a million dollars? I would invest half of it in various mutual funds and take the other half over to my friend Asadulah who works in securities and—
Michael Bolton Samir, you're missing the point. It's supposed to tell you what you'd do if...PC Load Letter! What the **** does that mean?
Michael Bolton You think the pet rock was a really great idea?
Sure it was. The guy made a million dollars. You know, I had an idea like that once. A long time ago.
Really, what was it, Tom?
Well, all right. It was a "Jump to Conclusions" mat. You see, it would be this mat that you would put on the floor, and it would have different conclusions written on it that you could jump to.
Michael Bolton That's the worst idea I've ever heard in my life, Tom.
Yes, this is horrible, this idea.
Michael Bolton You were supposed to come in Saturday. What were you doing?
Michael, I did nothing. I did absolutely nothing, and it was everything I thought it could be.
No, not again. I... why does it say paper jam when there is no paper jam? I swear to God, one of these days, I just kick this piece of shit out the window.
Michael Bolton You and me both, man. That thing is lucky I'm not armed.
Piece of shit.
No one in this country can ever pronounce my name right. It's not that hard: Samir Na-gheen-an-a-jar. Nagheenanajar.
Michael Bolton Yeah, well at least your name isn't Michael Bolton.
You know there's nothing wrong with that name.
Michael Bolton There was nothing wrong with it... until I was about 12 years old and that no-talent ass clown became famous and started winning Grammys.
Hmm... well why don't you just go by Mike instead of Michael?
Michael Bolton No way. Why should I change? He's the one who sucks.
Michael Bolton You haven't even been showing up for work, and you got to keep your job.
Actually I'm being promoted.
Look, I don't know about you guys, but I'm tired of being pushed around. Aren't you?
Yes, Peter, but I'm not going to do anything illegal.
Samir, this is America. This isn't Riyadh; they're not going to saw your hands off.
The most they would do is put us for a few months into a white-collar, minimum-security resort! You know, they have conjugal visits there?
They do?
Michael Bolton Shit. I'm a free man and I haven't had a conjugal visit in six months.
I have a question.
Yes?
In... in these conjugal visits, you can have sex with women?
Yep, you sure can.
OK, I'll do it.
Before we go any further, all right, we have to swear to God, Allah, that nobody knows about this, all right? No family members, no girlfriends, nobody.
Of course.
Michael Bolton Agreed
Michael Bolton Who the **** is that?
Uh, don't worry about him. He's cool.
It's not just about me and my dream of doing nothing. It's about all of us. I don't know what happened to me at that hypnotherapist and, I don't know, maybe it was just shock and it's wearing off now, but when I saw that fat man keel over and die - Michael, we don't have a lot of time on this earth! We weren't meant to spend it this way. Human beings were not meant to sit in little cubicles staring at computer screens all day, filling out useless forms and listening to eight different bosses drone on about about mission statements.
Michael Bolton I told those fudge-packers I liked Michael Bolton's music.
Oh. That is not right, Michael.
I've been looking all over for you guys. Have you seen this? [gives Peter a printout of an email] I knew it. I knew it!
Michael Bolton What, it's a staff meeting. So what?
So, what? We're all screwed, that's what! They're gonna downsize Initech!
What're you talking about, Tom? Now, how do you know that?
How do I know? They're bringing in a consultant, that's how I know! That's what this staff meeting's all about! It happened at Intitrode last year. You have to interview with this consultant; they call them "efficiency experts", but what you're really doing is interviewing for your own job!
Michael Bolton Tom, every week you say you're gonna lose your job, and you're still here.
Not this time. I bet I'm the first one laid off. Just the thought of having to go to the state unemployment office and stand in line with those SCUMBAGS!
Listen, that virus you're always talking about, right? That one that could, er...rip off the company for a bunch of money?
Michael Bolton Yeah, what about it?
Well, how does it work?
Michael Bolton It's pretty brilliant. What it does is, every time there's a bank transaction where interest is computed–and there are thousands a day–the computer ends up with these fractions of a cent, which usually rounds off. What this does is it takes those little remainders and puts them into an account.
This sounds familiar.
Michael Bolton Yeah, they did it in Superman III.
Right.
Michael Bolton Underrated movie, actually. And then there were a bunch of hackers that did it in the 70s as well. One of them got busted.
Well, so they check for this now.
Michael Bolton No, no. Here's the thing: Initech's so backed up with all the software we're updating for the year 2000, they'd never notice.
You're right. And even if they wanted to, they couldn't check all that code.
Michael Bolton Thumbs up their asses.
