Office Space 1999 quotes, page 2

Milton Waddams

Excuse me? Excuse me, señor? May I speak to you please? I asked for a mai tai, and they brought me a piña colada, and I said no salt, NO salt on the margarita, but it had salt on it, big grains of salt, floating in the glass...

Lo siento mucho, senor. Pinche gringo. (english translation: "I'm very sorry sir. **** gringo.")

Milton Waddams

Lo siento? If it happens again, I won't be leaving a tip, 'cause I could... I could shut this place down, sir? I could take my traveler's checks to a competing resort... I could write a letter to your Board of Tourism and I could have this place condemned. I could... I could put strychnine in the guacamole. There was salt on the glass, big grains of salt.

Corporate accounts payable, Nina speaking... just a moment!

Bob Porter

We'll be getting rid of these people here... First, Mr. Samir Naga... Naga... Naga... Not gonna work here anymore, anyway.

Bob Slydell

I'll be honest with you, I love his music, I do, I'm a Michael Bolton fan. For my money, it doesn't get any better than when he sings "When a Man Loves a Woman".
Somebody's got a case of the Mondays!

Now Milton, don't be greedy. Let's pass it along and make sure everyone gets a piece.

Milton Waddams

Kay but, last time I didn't receive a piece, and I was told, that I could -

Just pass.

Milton Waddams

Uh, ok...

Peter Gibbons

Alright, so when the sub routine compounds the interest it uses all these extra decimal places that just get rounded off. So we simplified the whole thing, we rounded them all down, and drop the remainder into an account we opened.

Joanna

So you're stealing?

Peter Gibbons

Ah no, you don't understand. It's very complicated. It's uh it's aggregate, so I'm talking about fractions of a penny here. And over time they add up to a lot.

Joanna

Oh okay. So you're gonna be making a lot of money, right?

Peter Gibbons

Yeah.
Joanna: Right. It's not yours?

Peter Gibbons

Well it becomes ours.

Joanna

How is that not stealing?

Peter Gibbons

I don't think I'm explaining this very well.

Joanna

Okay.

Peter Gibbons

Um... the 7-11. You take a penny from the tray, right?

Joanna

From the cripple children?

Peter Gibbons

No, that's the jar. I'm talking about the tray. You know the pennies that are for everybody?

Joanna

Oh, for everybody. Okay.

Peter Gibbons

Well those are whole pennies, right? I'm just talking about fractions of a penny here, but we do it from a much bigger tray and we do it a couple a million times.

Peter Gibbons

Before we go any further, all right, we have to swear to God, Allah, that nobody knows about this, all right? No family members, no girlfriends, nobody.

Samir

Of course.

Michael Bolton

Agreed

Lawrence

Don't worry man! I won't tell anyone about this either.

Michael Bolton

Who the **** is that?

Peter Gibbons

Uh, don't worry about him. He's cool.

Peter Gibbons

Boy, I'll tell ya, some days... One of these days it's gonna be just like— (Imitates loading and firing a machine gun)

So can I get you gentlemen something more to drink? Or maybe something to nibble on? Some Pizza Shooters, Shrimp Poppers, or Extreme Fajitas?

Peter Gibbons

Just coffee.

Okay. Sounds like a case of the Mondays.

Peter Gibbons

Doesn't it bother you that you have to get up in the morning and you have to put on a bunch of pieces of flair?

Joanna

Yeah, but I'm not about to go in and start taking money from the register.

Peter Gibbons

Well, maybe you should. You know, the Nazis had pieces of flair that they made the Jews wear.

Peter Gibbons

Hey, guys.

Michael Bolton

What's up, G?

Peter Gibbons

Want to go to Chotchkie's? Get some coffee?

Samir

Oh, it's a little early.

Peter Gibbons

I gotta get outta here. I think I'm gonna lose it.

Uh-oh. Sounds like somebody's got a case of the Mondays.

Peter Gibbons

It's not just about me and my dream of doing nothing. It's about all of us. I don't know what happened to me at that hypnotherapist and, I don't know, maybe it was just shock and it's wearing off now, but when I saw that fat man keel over and die - Michael, we don't have a lot of time on this earth! We weren't meant to spend it this way. Human beings were not meant to sit in little cubicles staring at computer screens all day, filling out useless forms and listening to eight different bosses drone on about about mission statements.

Michael Bolton

I told those fudge-packers I liked Michael Bolton's music.

Peter Gibbons

Oh. That is not right, Michael.

Peter Gibbons

Lawrence, you awake?

Lawrence

Yeah.

Peter Gibbons

You wanna come over?

Lawrence

No, thanks, man. I don't want you **** up my life, too.

Peter Gibbons

Let me ask you something. When you come in on Monday, and you're not feelin' real well, does anyone ever say to you, 'Sounds like someone has a case of the Mondays'?

Lawrence

No. No, man. Shit, no, man. I believe you'd get your ass kicked sayin' something like that, man.

Peter Gibbons

Listen, that virus you're always talking about, right? That one that could, er...rip off the company for a bunch of money?

Michael Bolton

Yeah, what about it?

Peter Gibbons

Well, how does it work?

Michael Bolton

It's pretty brilliant. What it does is, every time there's a bank transaction where interest is computed–and there are thousands a day–the computer ends up with these fractions of a cent, which usually rounds off. What this does is it takes those little remainders and puts them into an account.

Peter Gibbons

This sounds familiar.

Michael Bolton

Yeah, they did it in Superman III.

Peter Gibbons

Right.

Michael Bolton

Underrated movie, actually. And then there were a bunch of hackers that did it in the 70s as well. One of them got busted.

Peter Gibbons

Well, so they check for this now.

Michael Bolton

No, no. Here's the thing: Initech's so backed up with all the software we're updating for the year 2000, they'd never notice.

Peter Gibbons

You're right. And even if they wanted to, they couldn't check all that code.

Michael Bolton

Thumbs up their asses.

Peter Gibbons

Look, I don't know about you guys, but I'm tired of being pushed around. Aren't you?

Samir

Yes, Peter, but I'm not going to do anything illegal.

Peter Gibbons

Samir, this is America. This isn't Riyadh; they're not going to saw your hands off.

Peter Gibbons

The most they would do is put us for a few months into a white-collar, minimum-security resort! You know, they have conjugal visits there?

Samir

They do?

Michael Bolton

Shit. I'm a free man and I haven't had a conjugal visit in six months.

Samir

I have a question.

Peter Gibbons

Yes?

Samir

In... in these conjugal visits, you can have sex with women?

Peter Gibbons

Yep, you sure can.

Samir

OK, I'll do it.

Peter Gibbons

Lumbergh's gonna have me work on Saturday. I can tell already. I'm gonna end up doin' it, because, uh, because I'm a big pussy... which is why I work at Initech to begin with.

Michael Bolton

Uh, yeah, well, I work at Initech and I don't consider myself a pussy, OK?

Samir

Yes, I am also not a pussy.

Peter Gibbons

Our high school guidance counselor used to ask us what you'd do if you had a million dollars and you didn't have to work. And invariably what you'd say was supposed to be your career. So, if you wanted to fix old cars you're supposed to be an auto mechanic.

Samir

So what did you say?

Peter Gibbons

I never had an answer. I guess that's why I'm working at Initech.

Michael Bolton

No, you're working at Initech because that question is bullshit to begin with. If everyone listened to her, there'd be no janitors, because no one would clean shit up if they had a million dollars.

Samir

You know what I would do if I had a million dollars? I would invest half of it in various mutual funds and take the other half over to my friend Asadulah who works in securities and—

Michael Bolton

Samir, you're missing the point. It's supposed to tell you what you'd do if...PC Load Letter! What the **** does that mean?