You surprised to see us, Clark?
Oh, Eddie... If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised that I am now.
Clark W. Griswold
Chevy Chase · 52 quotes
Cousin Eddie
Randy Quaid · 22 quotes
Ellen
Beverly D'Angelo · 14 quotes
Aunt Bethany
Mae Questel · 6 quotes
Uncle Lewis
William Hickey · 6 quotes
Art
E.G. Marshall · 4 quotes
Audrey
Juliette Lewis · 3 quotes
Mr. Shirley
3 quotes
Ruby Sue
Ellen Hamilton Latzen · 3 quotes
Todd
Nicholas Guest · 3 quotes
Most scenes together: Clark W. Griswold & Cousin Eddie (13), Clark W. Griswold & Ellen (11), Clark W. Griswold & Uncle Lewis (4)
National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation quotes
Page 3 of 6[talking about Snots, Eddie's dog]
If you scratch his belly Clark, he will love you till the day you die.
I really shouldn't Eddie my hands are all chapped.
Clark, Audrey's frozen from the waist down.
That's all part of the experience honey.
Clark, I think it's be best if everyone went home... before things get worse.
Worse?! How could things get any worse? Take a look around here, Ellen! We're at the threshold of hell!!
I have this terrible suspicion that Catherine and Eddie don't have presents for their kids. Rocky said something about Eddie telling him that Santa Claus wasn't coming this year.
Yeah, Ruby Sue said something like that last night. How can they have nothing for their children?
Well, he's been out of work for close to seven years.
In seven years, he couldn't find a job?
Catherine says he's been holding out for a management position.
Oh Aunt Bethany, you shouldn't have done that.
Oh dear, did I break wind?
Jesus, did the room clear out, Bethany? Hell no, she means presents. You shouldn't have brought presents.
What are you looking at?
Oh, the silent majesty of a winter's morn... the clean, cool chill of the holiday air... and an asshole in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer...
Shitter was full.
Ah, yeah. You checked our shitters, honey?
Clark, please. He doesn't know any better.
He oughta know it's illegal. That's a storm sewer. If it fills with gas, I pity the person who lights a match within ten yards of it.
You set standards that no family activity can live up to.
When have I ever done that?
Birthdays, weddings, anniversaries, funerals, holidays, vacations, graduations...
Margo And why is the carpet wet, Todd?
I don't know Margo.
Margot
You just march over there and slug that creep in the face.
I can't just attack someone.
Margot
Alright then, if you're not man enough to put an end to this shit, then I am.
I have never been treated like this in my life!
I'm sorry. This is our family's first kidnapping.
Now, just hold your wad there, fella. Clark had nothin' to do with this. This here, all was my idea.
All right, he's still fired. And you are going to jail!
[Eddie scoffs dismissively]
No, Eddie. It was my fault. I lost my temper when I got my bonus, and I guess I said a few things I probably shouldn't have.
Bonus? How did you get a bonus? I cut out bonuses this year.
Yeah? Thanks for telling us. I was expecting a check, instead I got enrolled in a jelly club. 17 years with the company, I've gotten a Christmas bonus every year but this one. You don't want to give bonuses, fine! But when people count on them as their salary, well, what you did just plain...
Russ
Sucks.
Thank you, Russ. My...cousin-in-law, whose heart is bigger than his brain...
I appreciate that, Clark.
...is innocent. I'll be more than happy to take the rap on this, on behalf of myself and every other employee you rear-ended this Christmas.
[sees everyone looking at him; having a change of heart]
Look, uh...sometimes things look good on paper, but...lose their luster when you see how it affects real folks. I guess a healthy bottom line doesn't mean much if to get it you have to hurt the ones you depend on. It's people that make the difference. Little people like you. So...Carl, whatever you got last year, add...[shrugs] 20 percent.
[Everyone else starts chattering excitedly to one another. A stunned Clark simply faints]
Rocky bit my thumb. He's nervous.
Nervous or excited?
Shittin' bricks.
You shouldn't use that word.
Sorry. Shittin' rocks.
Rocky bit my thumb. Him's nervous because Christmas is almost here.
Nervous or excited?
Shitting bricks.
You shouldn't use that word.
Sorry. Shitting rocks.
Uncle Clark, are you sure you ain't Santa Claus?
I'm sure... I can't even afford to be an elf.
Hey Griswold. Where do you think you're gonna put a tree that big?
Bend over and I'll show you.
You've got a lot of nerve talking to me like that Griswold.