Santa, why are they chasing us?
I put them on the Naughty List and they never forgave me.
Buddy
Will Ferrell · 41 quotes
Walter
James Caan · 20 quotes
Papa Elf
Bob Newhart · 8 quotes
Jovie
Zooey Deschanel · 7 quotes
Michael
Daniel Tay · 7 quotes
Emily
Mary Steenburgen · 6 quotes
Eugene
Kyle Gass · 5 quotes
Morris
Andy Richter · 4 quotes
Gimbel's Manager
Faizon Love · 3 quotes
Santa
Ed Asner · 3 quotes
Secretary Deb
Amy Sedaris · 3 quotes
Teacher elf
Richard Side · 1 quote
Most scenes together: Buddy & Walter (11), Buddy & Papa Elf (6), Buddy & Jovie (6)
Elf quotes
Page 2 of 4Sorry I can't ride with you the rest of the way up, but this is where my dad works.
Elevator rider
Well, have a good day.
Oh, I forgot to give you a hug. [elevator door closes]
Oh, I don't know, Connie, I've never declawed kittens before. How many? Eight? I don't know if I'm gonna have time. Well, all right, just bring 'em by the camper this week, and I'll see what I can do. I'm not gonna charge you. Just bring 'em by, and I'll see what I can do. Bye.
Papa Elf.
Papa Elf?!
Mm-hmm. From the North Pole.
From the North Pole?!
Yes.
[He steps up on a toilet and looks over a neighboring stall in the washroom]
Hey! Have you seen these toilets?! They're gi-normous!
Girl
It won't hurt so much after a while. What's your name?
Buddy.
Girl
I'm Carolyn.
Hi. What do you want for Christmas?
Girl
A Suzy-talks-a-lot.
I'll put in a good word with the big man.
Girl
Thanks. Your costume is pretty.
Oh, it's not a costume. I'm an elf. Well, technically, I'm a human, but I was raised by elves.
Girl
Oh, I'm a human raised by humans.
Hmm. Cool.
Client
So, you really think we should ship 'em?
No, I think we should take a $30,000 bath so some kid can understand what happened? To a puppy and a frigging pigeon? Ship 'em. [Phone rings] Yeah.
Mr. Hobbs? It's me on the intercom.
Go ahead.
Yeah, I think some one sent you a Christmas-gram. [Buddy bursts into office]
Dad!
I walked all day and night to find you.
Uh, you look like you came from the North Pole. [Chuckles]
That's exactly where I came from. Santa must've called you!
Oh, yeah, sure, he, uh... Just got off the cell phone with me.
You did?!
So, go on. Go on with what? Well, are... are you gonna sing a song or something, or can I just go back to work?
A song? Uh... yeah. Anything for you, Dad, uh... I... I'm, I'm here with my dad and we never met and he wants me to sing him a song and, um, I was adopted but you didn't know I was born. So, I'm here now, I found you, Daddy and, guess what? I love you, I love you I love you!
Wow, that was weird. You know, usually you guys just uh, you know, Put my name into jingle bells or something.
It's me, your son. Susan Wells had me, and... And she didn't tell you, and, and, and, but now I'm here... It's me buddy. Susan Wells.
Uh, you said Susan Wells?
Yes.
Who sent this Christmas-gram?
What's a Christmas-gram? I want one.
Good idea.
Security Officer
Well, your dad's busy right now.
Okay, I'll come back later.
Security Officer
Yeah, you know, you're not gonna come back for a while, okay? You're gonna go back to Santa Land.
Okay.
Security Officer
Yeah, why don't you go back to Gimbels?
I really can't talk right now.
Well, just tell me how the pitch went.
I'm gonna be a little later than I thought, okay?
Well, don't be too late, Walter, it's Christmas Eve.
Wait, um. Honey, I gotta go, okay? Love ya.
Oh, say hi to Buddy.
Walter, breakthrough. We found this in the conference room.
What is it?
It's Miles Finch's notebook. This thing is chock full of genius ideas. I mean, look at that.
And his best idea is about a peach that lives on a farm. What's more vulnerable than a peach?
What, uh, what do we do?
I think we should go with the first pitch... it's genius.
Uh, how much time we got?
We got, like, 45 minutes.
Well, come on, let's, uh, try to get a storyboard or something ready.
Come on, let's do it.
Just try. No, you can't sit down and get a storyboard ready. Go and get a storyboard ready.
Oh, boy! Go.
[Walter reading a note from Buddy]
I'm sorry I ruined your lives and crammed 11 cookies into the VCR. I don't belong here. I don't belong anywhere. I'll never forget you. Love, Buddy.
Greenway
As you know, we need a big launch, fast, to get the company back on track. So I think I speak for my fellow board members when I say, this better be good.
Before I get into the story, let me start with the cover, okay? Now, just picture this...
Dad! I gotta talk to you.
Michael, what is it?
Buddy ran away.
What?
He left a note. I'm scared, Dad. He's gone.
Let me just finish this meeting and then we'll figure it out, okay?
Hey, Michael. Wait. We're gonna have to reschedule this, Mr. Greenway.
Greenway
We don't have time to reschedule. I wanna hear the damn thing now. Son, you'll have to wait.
No, don't tell my kid what to do. Can't we do this another time, Mr. Greenway?
Greenway
I flew in just to hear this pitch and I intend to.
It's gonna have to wait.
Greenway
If you wanna keep your job, Hobbs, you will pitch me this book right now.
Well, up yours.
Yeah, up yours.
Hey.
Greenway
[Angered]
Hobbs. Hobbs! HOBBS! YOU WALK OUT OF HERE, A-AND-AND YOU’RE FINISHED AT GREENWAY! YOU’RE FINISHED!
Greenway
Hobbs.
Hey. How you doing?
Greenway
Please sit down. Haven't seen you since the retreat. You're looking good.
Thank you very much, you as well. What do I owe the pleasure?
Greenway
Well, to be honest, I got a call from my niece. She wants to know how a certain puppy and a certain pigeon escaped the clutches of a certain evil witch.
Believe me, we're already looking for new printers. This one has obviously gotten sloppy.
Greenway
Maybe it isn't the printer who's gotten sloppy. That's your signature, right?
You know, we could sit here and point fingers all day.
Greenway
I've got news for you. Even if those two pages were in there, the book still would've sucked. Have you seen the numbers for this quarter?
They'll be here today.
Greenway
They're in. That frigging puppy and pigeon are tanking hard, Hobbs. My people estimate we're gonna post a minus 8 for this quarter. A minus 8. That does not happen.
You know, we'll bounce back. We...
Greenway
No.
No? Well...
Greenway
No, no, no. We're gonna ship a new book the first quarter.
First quarter?
Greenway
I'm gonna be back in town on the 24th. At that time, I would love to hear in exact detail what your plans are for this new book.
Wait a minute. The 24th, that's Christmas Eve.
Greenway
And?
And, no problem. Be great to have you in the loop.
Hi.
Wow. You look miraculous.
So do you.
Thank you.
What would you like to do?
I got some ideas. [He turns around starts walking with Jovie following]
Where did you say you were from?
Oh, yeah, candles burning low, lots of mistletoe, lots of snow and ice everywhere we go, choirs singing carols right outside my door, all these things and more. I wish Dad were here.
Why?
'Cause he's the greatest Dad in the whole wide world.
Are you kidding? He's the worst Dad in the world.
What do you mean?
All he does is work.
Working's fun.
Not the way he does it. All he cares about is money. He doesn't care about you, or me, or anybody.
Well, he is on the naughty list.
Like who?
The girl you're staring at.
Oh, uh... Yeah.
Why don't you ask her out?
Out?
You know, on a date... to eat food.
Food?
Yes, real food, not candy. And if she says yes, you're in. It's like a secret code girls have.
Well, look who it is.
Hi, Jovie. Hi. Oh, uh, this is Michael. I'm his brother.
Hi.
So, what are you doing here? Did Gimbels give you your job back?
No. But things worked out pretty good. They gave me a restraining order.
Well, um, you should probably get outta here.
Ho ho ho! But... I really wanted to see you, and... and I think you're beautiful, and I, um... I feel really warm when I am around you, And, um, my tongue swells up. So... Do you wanna go eat food?
Do I... do I wanna eat food?
Mm-hmm, you know, uh, the code... food.
Well, I just had my lunch break.
Oh, okay. I understand.
But I'm free on Thursday.
Thursday! Thursday! Come on. That'd be great. All right. Was that okay?
You did great, man.
Miles Finch [Arriving at Walter's office]
All right, let's do this.
Miles, I'm so happy you could come. Uh...
Miles Finch Yeah.
I'm Walter Hobbs. Yeah, let's get the, uh... Taken care of so we can get started here. Here you go.
Miles Great. All right... [Clears throat] What have you guys got so far? Go ahead.
Uh... We were thinking, uh, something like this, uh... We open on a young tomato. He's had some tough times down at the farm with, you know, a rabbit, and...
Miles No. No tomatoes... too vulnerable. Kids, they're already vulnerable.
No, you see? I... I told you guys. I told them the very same thing...
Miles And no farms. Every body's pushing small town rural. A farm book would just be white noise.
What about this? Uh, a tribe of asparagus children, but they're self-conscious about the way their pee smells. [Gestures in a desperate urge of praising of originality]
Apparently, all we have is vegetables, I have no time so you know, if you've got a story here...
Miles I've got about five or six great starts here. [Pounds his ideas notebook on the table with a fist] I've got one idea that I'm especially psyched out of my mind about. You know, it's one of those ideas where you're like, YES! [They all react in surprised excitement]
Uh, great, could we hear it?
Miles I'll start with the cover. Picture this... you got, uh
Dad! I'm in love, I'm in love, and I don't care who knows it!
Buddy, not now, uh, can you please go back to the... to the pit? I'll come and visit you in a little while, okay?
I didn't know you had elves working here.
Miles Oh... boy, you're... you're hilarious, my friend.
He doesn't, uh... get back to the story, please.
Miles All right, okay. So, on the cover above the title...
Does Santa know that you left the workshop?
Miles You know, we're all laughing our heads off.
Did you have to borrow a reindeer to get down here?
Buddy... go back to the basement.
Miles Hey, jack weed, I get more action in a week than you've had your entire life. I've got houses in L.A., Paris, and Vail, each one of them with a 70-inch plasma screen. So, I suggest you wipe that stupid smile off your face before I come over there and smack it off! You feeling strong, my friend?! Call me elf one more time!
[Whispers]
He's an angry elf. [Miles then leaps up onto the meeting table and starts running towards Buddy, growling] Look at you. [Miles then does an airborne kick into Buddy's chest] Ow! Hey, what... Aah! I wasn't ready for that. [Miles twists his arm] Aah! Hey, hey, hey! Whoa!
Ooh...
Miles [Buddy grabs his arm]
Call me elf one more time! Call me elf!
You're an elf. [Miles then flips Buddy off the table and into chairs]
Miles, I'm sorry, he thinks he's an elf. [Walter stops Miles from leaving, but Miles leaves] Listen, Miles... Listen, Miles!
He must be a South Pole elf.
[Furiously]
I don't care where you go. [starts yelling at the top of his lungs] I don't care that you're an elf! I don't care that you're NUTS! I DON’T CARE THAT YOU’RE MY SON! GET OUTTA MY LIFE!! NOW!!
[Heartbroken, Buddy tearfully runs out of the office while the others stare at Walter tạkeṅ ạbạċk]
Ming Ming Hey, Foom Foom... I hate to do this to you, but you think you could help me pick up the slack on those etch-a-sketches?
Foom Foom No problem. I appreciate it.
Ming Ming Buddy is killing me. I already got Lum Lum and Choo Choo pullin' doubles.
Foom Foom That was quick thinking yesterday with that “special talents” thing.
Ming Ming I feel bad for the guy. I just hope he doesn't get wise.
Foom Foom Well, if he hasn't figured out he's a human by now, I don't think he ever will.
Ming Ming You're just... special.
Pom Pom [In presence]
You don't look so good, Buddy. Are you okay?
I'll be okay, I just need a glass of water. [Buddy faints, falling on Pom Pom]
Pom Pom Aah! Buddy...
Mr. Narwhal Bye, Buddy. Hope you find your dad.
Thanks, Mr. Narwhal. Bye.
And so, with a little help, Buddy managed to save Christmas. And his spirit saved a lot of other people, too. Walter started his own independent publishing company. His first book was written by a brand new, critically acclaimed children's author. The book was Elf... a, uh, "fictional" story about an adopted elf named Buddy who was raised in the North Pole, went to New York, ate spaghetti, worked in a shiny mailroom, and eventually saved Christmas.
[Buddy reading to children]
"First, I traveled through the seven levels of the Candy Cane Forest, past the Sea of Twirly-Swirly gumdrops, and then, I walked through the Lincoln tunnel..."
And as for me, I can't complain. Buddy comes up to visit from time to time. Oh, thank you, Jovie. That's very sweet of you.
You're welcome, Papa. But you can do the job when you're in town.
Hey, Suzie. Come here, little one. When it snows, ain't it thrilling? Papa wants to see you.
As much as, uh, Buddy was accepted by his family and friends, there were a few drawbacks to being, uh, a human in, uh an elf's world.
Hey, Ming Ming. Um... I'm gonna be a little bit short on today's quota.
Ming Ming It's all right, Buddy. Just how many Etch-a-Sketches did you get finished? Come on, Buddy. How many?
I made, uh... 85. [All the elves stop and stare]
Ming Ming Eighty-five? That puts you... 915 off the pace.
Female elf
Ooh... that's bad.
Why don't you just say it? I'm the worst toy maker in the world. I'm a cotton-headed ninny-muggins. [All the elves gasps]
Ming Ming No, Buddy, you're not a cotton-headed ninny-muggins. We all just have different talents, that's all.
Seems like everyone else have the same talents except for me.
Ming Ming You... you have, you have lots of talents, uh... special talents in fact, like um, uh...
Special talents?
Female elf in blue
You changed the batteries in the smoke detector.
Male elf in yellow
You sure did... triple-As. And in six months, you'll have to check 'em again... Won't he?
Male elf in red
And you're the only baritone in the elf choir. You bring us down whole octave.
Male elf in orange
In a good way.
Ming Ming See, Buddy? You're not a cotton-headed ninny-muggins. You're just... special.
And so, Buddy was sent where the... the special elves work.