Walter
[whispering]
I think we should call security.
Deb
[whispering]
Good idea.
Buddy
[whispering]
I like to whisper too!
Played by James Caan 
Elf (2003) · 57 quotes
Elf (2003) · 57 quotes
Scenes with Walter
20 scenes Walter
Deb
Buddy
Walter
Are you crazy? He can't stay here.
Emily
We can't just throw him out in the snow.
Walter
Why not? He loves the snow. He's told me 15 times.
Emily
Walter, he's your son.
Nun
[Scene of Walter Hobbs in his office with a nun]
You're taking the books back?
Walter
See, I... I see what you're trying to do here. You're trying to make me feel bad, when, in actuality, you're the one that missed the payments.
Nun
But the children love the books.
Walter
I know that, uh... you know, I'm the one that ran the focus groups, but I like hearing that.
Walter
[In office]
A reprint? You know how much that's gonna cost?
Client
Two whole pages are missing. The story doesn't make any sense.
Walter
What, you think some kid's gonna notice two pages? I mean, they... all they do is look at pictures.
Client
So, you really think we should ship 'em?
Walter
No, I think we should take a $30,000 bath so some kid can understand what happened? To a puppy and a frigging pigeon? Ship 'em. [Phone rings] Yeah.
Secretary Deb
Mr. Hobbs? It's me on the intercom.
Walter
Go ahead.
Secretary Deb
Yeah, I think some one sent you a Christmas-gram. [Buddy bursts into office]
Buddy
Dad!
Walter
[Chuckles]
All right, uh, let's get it Over with.
Buddy
I walked all day and night to find you.
Walter
Uh, you look like you came from the North Pole. [Chuckles]
Buddy
That's exactly where I came from. Santa must've called you!
Walter
Oh, yeah, sure, he, uh... Just got off the cell phone with me.
Buddy
You did?!
Walter
So, go on. Go on with what? Well, are... are you gonna sing a song or something, or can I just go back to work?
Buddy
A song? Uh... yeah. Anything for you, Dad, uh... I... I'm, I'm here with my dad and we never met and he wants me to sing him a song and, um, I was adopted but you didn't know I was born. So, I'm here now, I found you, Daddy and, guess what? I love you, I love you I love you!
Walter
Wow, that was weird. You know, usually you guys just uh, you know, Put my name into jingle bells or something.
Buddy
It's me, your son. Susan Wells had me, and... And she didn't tell you, and, and, and, but now I'm here... It's me buddy. Susan Wells.
Walter
Uh, you said Susan Wells?
Buddy
Yes.
Walter
Who sent this Christmas-gram?
Buddy
What's a Christmas-gram? I want one.
Walter
[Whispers]
I think we should call security.
Secretary Deb
Good idea.
Buddy
[Leans in as well]
I like to whisper, too. It's okay, Walter's my father.
Security Officer
Well, your dad's busy right now.
Buddy
Okay, I'll come back later.
Security Officer
Yeah, you know, you're not gonna come back for a while, okay? You're gonna go back to Santa Land.
Buddy
Okay.
Security Officer
Yeah, why don't you go back to Gimbels?
Walter
[Walter is eating dinner with Emily and Michael]
Hey, uh... I'm gonna eat in the bedroom, okay? I, uh, I got a bunch of stuff to go over.
Emily
Are you sure?
Walter
I'm... I'm just way behind on a bunch of stuff.
Emily
Okay.
Michael
Can I eat in my room?
Emily
No.
Michael
Why not? Dad's eating in his room. [Mimics father's voice] I got a bunch of homework to go over, and I'm way behind on a bunch of stuff.
Emily
You're eating here.
Buddy
[Walter arrives at the police station and Buddy meets him']
Dad! I knew that you'd come, I love you for coming. Officer Tom, this is my Dad. This is Walter... he came. He bailed me out. They gave me one phone call. [repeats] And I said," I know who I'm gonna call... Walter Hobbs. And sure enough, you showed up. You did, they said you weren't gonna show up. They told me so many times...
Walter
Shh. Just who the heck are you, and what is your problem?
Buddy
I'm Buddy. I'm your son.
Walter
Wait, um... Tell me, tell me, tell me, uh... Where did you get this picture?
Buddy
Papa Elf gave it to me.
Walter
[Grabs Buddy and violently pins him to the wall]
Listen... is this some kind a game? What do you want, some money?
Buddy
No! I just wanted to meet you, And I thought you might wanna meet me.
Walter
Who wouldn't wanna meet you?
Buddy
I thought maybe we could make gingerbread houses, eat cookie dough, go ice skating, and... and maybe even hold hands.
Walter
Uh-huh. Come with me.
Buddy
Okay.
Physician
[Walks into examination room of medical clinic]
Okay. What have we got here?
Walter
[Buddy then pops two cotton balls in his mouth and ingests them with Walter observing]
Buddy, don't eat those. [Grabs Buddy's hand on third reach, and Buddy reveals the cotton balls in other hand in a magician's trick]
Physician
We got to really hurry up, Walter, because I'm double-booked for the rest of the afternoon.
Buddy
Am I sick?
Walter
Yeah, but that's not why we're here. We're here to do a test, come on.
Buddy
What kind of test?
Walter
It's just a test to find out if you're my son or not.
Buddy
Why am I sitting on paper?
Physician
Because it's sanitary for the other patients. Now, would you sit still so I can do the finger prick?
Buddy
[Gasps]
Finger prick! Oh...! It's cold.
Physician
Yeah, just please sit still, please?
Buddy
Okay, can I listen to your necklace?
Physician
No, you can't.
Walter
Will you just sit still...?
Buddy
Why is there a skeleton over there?
Physician
I don't know. Walter, could you please...?
Buddy
If I squint, it looks like a pirate flag.
Physician
Could you please have him sit still?
Buddy
Does he have a name?
Walter
No, he hasn't got a name. I'm sorry, Ben. I am sorry.
Physician
I have a lot of sick patients waiting.
Walter
Would you please hold still? Please.
Buddy
He got mad at me.
Walter
Yes, he did. He did. The sooner you sit still, the sooner we can get this mess over with.
Buddy
Okay. Then can we eat sugar plums?
Walter
You betcha. We'll eat sugar plums, make gingerbread houses, and we'll even paint eggs.
Buddy
Well, painting eggs, that's Easter. [The doctor pricks his finger] Ow!
Walter
[Physician comes in examination room]
So?
Physician
It's a boy. Buddy is your son.
Walter
That's very impossible. You saw that guy out there. He's certifiably insane.
Physician
He's probably just reverting to a state of childlike dependency.
Walter
An elf?
Physician
What he needs is to be nurtured.
Walter
Oh, I see. So, you'd like me to breastfeed him?
Physician
Walter, just bring him home, introduce him to Emily and Michael, and once he comes to terms with reality, he should drop the whole elf thing and move on with his life. I mean, that's what I would do if I were you.
Emily
[Walter and Emily step out of the elevator of Walter's residence building and walk down the hallway to his apartment]
Oh, my God! Walter, this is... this is wonderful, you... you have another son. Wonderful. Oh, gosh, I... I guess I never really thought of it that way. This is incredible, I... you know, it's a little complicated, But it's nothing that we can't handle.
Walter
Honey?
Emily
What?
Walter
He thinks he's an elf.
Emily
I'm sorry, what?
Walter
He think he's a Christmas elf.
Emily
Oh, come on, Walter, I'm sure he doesn't actually think he's an elf.
Buddy
And then, I traveled through the 7 levels of the candy cane forest, past the sea of swirly-twirly gumdrops, and then, I walked through the Lincoln Tunnel. [Ṗroċeeds to then down an entire 2-litter bottle of Coca-Cola in one sịppịṅg]
Emily
Ahh. So, where were you for the last 30 years?
Buddy
The North Pole. Can you pass the maple syrup? Please?
Emily
I... I didn't put... it's spaghetti.
Buddy
Oh, you know what? I think I have some. [Reaches into his sleave and miraculously produces a mini bottle of maple syrup] Yes.
Emily
You sure like sugar, huh?
Buddy
Is there sugar in syrup?
Emily
Yes.
Buddy
Then YES! We elves try to stick to the four main food groups: candy, candy canes, candy corn, and syrup.
Emily
So, would you be staying with us then?
Buddy
You mean I can stay?
Emily
Of course you can.
Walter
Emily.
Emily
How... how long do you think you'll be with us?
Buddy
I... I hadn't really planned it out, but I was thinking, like... forever.
Walter
Emily? Can I just speak to you for a minute in the, uh, kitchen, please? [In the kitchen to Emily] Are you crazy? He cannot stay here.
Emily
Clearly, he has some serious issues. We can't just throw him out in the snow.
Walter
Why not? He loves the snow. He's told me 15 times.
Emily
Walter, he's your son.
Buddy
[Buddy lets out a long belch]
Did you hear that?
Michael
[Dismissively]
You are so weird.
Buddy
[Buddy is lying in bed]
Dad? Dad? Dad! [Walter comes in door]
Walter
What?
Buddy
[Whispers]
I can't go to sleep, unless I get tucked in.
Walter
What?
Buddy
I can't go to sleep unless I get tucked in.
Walter
I am not gonna tuck you in.
Buddy
I... I promise I'll go right to sleep.
Walter
Fine.
Buddy
Tickle fight, tickle fight!
Walter
Buddy, stop.
Buddy
Tickle fight. Tickle...
Walter
Stop stop, stop.
Buddy
Sorry.
Walter
It's all right. Hey, uh, [Clears throat] you just lay there and go to sleep.
Buddy
Okay.
Walter
Okay.
Buddy
Dad?
Walter
Hmm?
Buddy
I love you.
Walter
Okay. Go to sleep now.
Greenway
Hobbs.
Walter
Hey. How you doing?
Greenway
Please sit down. Haven't seen you since the retreat. You're looking good.
Walter
Thank you very much, you as well. What do I owe the pleasure?
Greenway
Well, to be honest, I got a call from my niece. She wants to know how a certain puppy and a certain pigeon escaped the clutches of a certain evil witch.
Walter
Believe me, we're already looking for new printers. This one has obviously gotten sloppy.
Greenway
Maybe it isn't the printer who's gotten sloppy. That's your signature, right?
Walter
You know, we could sit here and point fingers all day.
Greenway
I've got news for you. Even if those two pages were in there, the book still would've sucked. Have you seen the numbers for this quarter?
Walter
They'll be here today.
Greenway
They're in. That frigging puppy and pigeon are tanking hard, Hobbs. My people estimate we're gonna post a minus 8 for this quarter. A minus 8. That does not happen.
Walter
You know, we'll bounce back. We...
Greenway
No.
Walter
No? Well...
Greenway
No, no, no. We're gonna ship a new book the first quarter.
Walter
First quarter?
Greenway
I'm gonna be back in town on the 24th. At that time, I would love to hear in exact detail what your plans are for this new book.
Walter
Wait a minute. The 24th, that's Christmas Eve.
Greenway
And?
Walter
And, no problem. Be great to have you in the loop.
Buddy
[Buddy and Michael are hoisting up a pine tree in the family apartment]
What should we put on it first?
Michael
Lights!
Buddy
Oh, good. And then, after that?
Michael
Ornaments!
Buddy
Ornaments, okay.
Walter
What the hell's that?
Michael
A Christmas tree.
Walter
A Christmas tree?
Michael
Buddy chopped it down in the park.
Walter
Emily.
Emily
I don't know what you're making such a big deal about. They were just having a little fun.
Walter
Oh, fun? So felonies are fun now? I thought, see, felonies were felonies.
Emily
Okay, the tree thing was bad. I'll get him to plant another one. But at least Michael is happy for once.
Walter
What, uh, what's that supposed to mean?
Emily
Well, I don't think it's any secret, Walter, that you haven't exactly been there for him.
Walter
I'll tell you what, why don't we just pull him outta school and let the, uh, deranged elf man raise him? Then they can have lots of fun committing felonies.
Michael
How are we gonna get the star on top?
Buddy
I got it. [Buddy takes a running sprint, jumps on the couch, and grabs a hold of the tree, only for him to take the tree down along with him]
Walter
I mean, what are we gonna do? We can't... we can't leave him alone here. He's gonna destroy the place.
Emily
Why don't you, um... why don't you take off tomorrow? You know, and you could stay home and watch him?
Walter
Oh, no. No, I can't stay home tomorrow, I have a budget meeting tomorrow. Well, honey, I can't take off, I'm one... one bad pitch away from getting fired... one.
Emily
Well, I tell you what, I have an idea then. Why don't you take buddy to work with you?
Buddy
[Buddy and Walter arrive at Walter's office]
That's a nice purple dress. It's very purple-y
Walter
Francisco.
Francisco
How's it going, Mr. Hobbs?
Buddy
Ooh, Francisco, that's fun to say..." Francisco." Do you remember me?
Secretary Deb
I do. I didn't recognize you.
Buddy
I know, I'm in work clothes. Thank you, Deborah. Deb, you have such a pretty face. You should be on a Christmas card.
Secretary Deb
You just made my day.
Buddy
[Buddy starts drinking the coffee, but is disgusted by the taste.]
Eww.
Walter
[Buddy continues drinking it, until Walter notices this]
Buddy.
Buddy
Mmm.
Walter
You don't have to drink that.
Buddy
Thank you. [Buddy begins reading a book, while Walter continues to work] Francisco...Francisco...Francisco.
Walter
Buddy?
Buddy
[Whispers]
Am I too loud?
Walter
Just... just a little.
Buddy
Sorry.
Walter
[Buddy then raises his hand]
Yes, Bud?
Buddy
Why is your name on the desk?
Walter
I bought the desk. My name's there so no one steals it.
Buddy
That's a joke, isn't it, Dad?
Walter
Yeah, Buddy, that's a joke.
Buddy
So, what are we gonna build?
Walter
No, uh, we don't do that kind of work here, pal.
Buddy
[Answers phone]
Buddy the Elf, what's your favorite color?
Walter
Put that down. [Answers phone] Hello? [To Buddy] Please, don't touch anything.
Buddy
Sorry.
Walter
Hey... Bud, have you... have you... Have you ever seen a mailroom?
Buddy
A mailroom? No.
Walter
No?
Buddy
No.
Walter
Oh, I mean, wow. Wow... listen, it's a place where mail from all over the world comes, uh-huh. And they sort it out there, see? And you can touch it all, and they put it in these shiny bins.
Buddy
Shiny bins?
Walter
Right. What do ya think?
Buddy
It sounds great.
Walter
Good.
Buddy
Can we go there?
Walter
Well, um... I gotta work here, maybe... maybe you can work there.
Buddy
Okay, I'll work there.
Buddy
[Buddy is walking through the mailroom with a supervisor]
Oh, I don't think this is the place my Dad was talking about. Is there a different mailroom?
Supervisor
No. This is the only one.
Buddy
It's not very shiny.
Supervisor
Now... over here's the trench. All the mail comes out that shooter. Scan and find the floor each piece is moving to. Put it in a canister and shove it up the tube with the same number. You got that?
Buddy
I think so. This place reminds me of Santa's workshop. Except it smells like mushrooms, and everyone looks like they wanna hurt me.
Walter
Uh, Greenway's coming in tomorrow, So, what... what do we got?
Eugene
Well, Morris and I have been brainstorming, and we've come up with what I think is a pretty big idea.
Walter
Great, what?
Morris
You're gonna love it, it's fantastic.
Walter
What?
Morris
Okay, picture this... We bring in Miles Finch.
Walter
The Miles Finch?
Morris
The Golden Ghost. We bring him in! He's written more classics than Dr. Seuss. It ain't gonna be easy, But I think it's worth a shot.
Walter
My two top writers, my crack team, my fun squad... you came in here pitching me, the idea of hiring another writer?
Morris
Yeah.
Walter
Miles Finch. I like it. [Chuckles] I like it.
Morris
[Walter, Morris and Eugene are conference calling Miles Finch]
My favorite book of yours has gotta be Gus' pickles. It's existential, yet it's so accessible.
Eugene
Uh, Mr. Finch, uh, Eugene Dupris here. It's a thrill just to be talking to you on our speakerphone.
Walter
Miles, um, so, what do you think? Can you fly in tomorrow?
Miles
I'll give you five hours tomorrow, not a minute more.
Walter
Oh, that's... that's great.
Miles
I'd like a black s500 to receive me at the airport. I need the interior of that car to be 71 degrees exactly.
Walter
We can do that.
Deborah
Mr. Hobbs? There's a situation downstairs.
Miles
I'm sorry, what?
Walter
No, hold on, Miles. Deb, hang up.
Miles
I do not hold. Do not put me on hold.
Deborah
We have a problem in the mailroom.
Walter
What's going on? Don't speak... Deborah, hang up!
Miles
That's it, I'm gone.
Walter
Miles!
Finch
I'll be there tomorrow... 71 degrees.
Deborah
Sir, Chuck in the mailroom needs to talk to you.
Walter
Chuck... what, Chuck? I mean, what could be going on down there that's so important you had to interrupt me, what?
Miles Finch
[Arriving at Walter's office]
All right, let's do this.
Walter
Miles, I'm so happy you could come. Uh...
Miles Finch
Yeah.
Walter
I'm Walter Hobbs. Yeah, let's get the, uh... Taken care of so we can get started here. Here you go.
Miles
Great. All right... [Clears throat] What have you guys got so far? Go ahead.
Morris
Uh... We were thinking, uh, something like this, uh... We open on a young tomato. He's had some tough times down at the farm with, you know, a rabbit, and...
Miles
No. No tomatoes... too vulnerable. Kids, they're already vulnerable.
Walter
No, you see? I... I told you guys. I told them the very same thing...
Miles
And no farms. Every body's pushing small town rural. A farm book would just be white noise.
Eugene
What about this? Uh, a tribe of asparagus children, but they're self-conscious about the way their pee smells. [Gestures in a desperate urge of praising of originality]
Walter
Apparently, all we have is vegetables, I have no time so you know, if you've got a story here...
Miles
I've got about five or six great starts here. [Pounds his ideas notebook on the table with a fist] I've got one idea that I'm especially psyched out of my mind about. You know, it's one of those ideas where you're like, YES! [They all react in surprised excitement]
Walter
Uh, great, could we hear it?
Miles
I'll start with the cover. Picture this... you got, uh
Buddy
Dad! I'm in love, I'm in love, and I don't care who knows it!
Walter
Buddy, not now, uh, can you please go back to the... to the pit? I'll come and visit you in a little while, okay?
Buddy
I didn't know you had elves working here.
Miles
Oh... boy, you're... you're hilarious, my friend.
Walter
He doesn't, uh... get back to the story, please.
Miles
All right, okay. So, on the cover above the title...
Buddy
Does Santa know that you left the workshop?
Miles
You know, we're all laughing our heads off.
Buddy
Did you have to borrow a reindeer to get down here?
Walter
Buddy... go back to the basement.
Miles
Hey, jack weed, I get more action in a week than you've had your entire life. I've got houses in L.A., Paris, and Vail, each one of them with a 70-inch plasma screen. So, I suggest you wipe that stupid smile off your face before I come over there and smack it off! You feeling strong, my friend?! Call me elf one more time!
Buddy
[Whispers]
He's an angry elf. [Miles then leaps up onto the meeting table and starts running towards Buddy, growling] Look at you. [Miles then does an airborne kick into Buddy's chest] Ow! Hey, what... Aah! I wasn't ready for that. [Miles twists his arm] Aah! Hey, hey, hey! Whoa!
Morris
Ooh...
Miles
[Buddy grabs his arm]
Call me elf one more time! Call me elf!
Buddy
You're an elf. [Miles then flips Buddy off the table and into chairs]
Walter
Miles, I'm sorry, he thinks he's an elf. [Walter stops Miles from leaving, but Miles leaves] Listen, Miles... Listen, Miles!
Buddy
He must be a South Pole elf.
Walter
[Lividly and sternly]
You get the hell outta here.
Buddy
[Confused]
Where do you want me to go?
Walter
[Furiously]
I don't care where you go. [starts yelling at the top of his lungs] I don't care that you're an elf! I don't care that you're NUTS! I DON’T CARE THAT YOU’RE MY SON! GET OUTTA MY LIFE!! NOW!!
[Heartbroken, Buddy tearfully runs out of the office while the others stare at Walter tạkeṅ ạbạċk]
Emily
[Calling Walter]
Hi, it's me.
Walter
I really can't talk right now.
Emily
Well, just tell me how the pitch went.
Walter
I'm gonna be a little later than I thought, okay?
Emily
Well, don't be too late, Walter, it's Christmas Eve.
Eugene
[He and Morris enters]
Walter...
Walter
Wait, um. Honey, I gotta go, okay? Love ya.
Emily
Oh, say hi to Buddy.
Walter
[Ḥangs up his phone]
What?
Eugene
Walter, breakthrough. We found this in the conference room.
Walter
What is it?
Eugene
It's Miles Finch's notebook. This thing is chock full of genius ideas. I mean, look at that.
Morris
And his best idea is about a peach that lives on a farm. What's more vulnerable than a peach?
Walter
What, uh, what do we do?
Eugene
I think we should go with the first pitch... it's genius.
Walter
Uh, how much time we got?
Eugene
We got, like, 45 minutes.
Walter
Well, come on, let's, uh, try to get a storyboard or something ready.
Eugene
Come on, let's do it.
Walter
Just try. No, you can't sit down and get a storyboard ready. Go and get a storyboard ready.
Eugene
Oh, boy! Go.
Buddy
[Walter reading a note from Buddy]
I'm sorry I ruined your lives and crammed 11 cookies into the VCR. I don't belong here. I don't belong anywhere. I'll never forget you. Love, Buddy.
Greenway
As you know, we need a big launch, fast, to get the company back on track. So I think I speak for my fellow board members when I say, this better be good.
Walter
Before I get into the story, let me start with the cover, okay? Now, just picture this...
Michael
Dad! I gotta talk to you.
Walter
Michael, what is it?
Michael
Buddy ran away.
Walter
What?
Michael
He left a note. I'm scared, Dad. He's gone.
Walter
Let me just finish this meeting and then we'll figure it out, okay?
Michael
[Concernedly]
Figure out what? Buddy cares about everybody. All you care about is yourself.
Walter
Hey, Michael. Wait. We're gonna have to reschedule this, Mr. Greenway.
Greenway
We don't have time to reschedule. I wanna hear the damn thing now. Son, you'll have to wait.
Walter
No, don't tell my kid what to do. Can't we do this another time, Mr. Greenway?
Greenway
I flew in just to hear this pitch and I intend to.
Walter
It's gonna have to wait.
Greenway
If you wanna keep your job, Hobbs, you will pitch me this book right now.
Walter
Well, up yours.
Michael
Yeah, up yours.
Walter
Hey.
Greenway
[Angered]
Hobbs. Hobbs! HOBBS! YOU WALK OUT OF HERE, A-AND-AND YOU’RE FINISHED AT GREENWAY! YOU’RE FINISHED!
Buddy
Hey! You found it.
Michael
Buddy!
Buddy
I need to tell you something.
Walter
No, no Buddy, there's something I have to tell you right now. Um, I didn't mean anything I said back there, not one word. I know you be a little, um, um... uh, chemically imbalanced, But you've been right about a lot of things. I... I don't want you to leave. You're my son, and I... love you.
