Melvin Udall Life is pain management
Most-quoted character in As Good as It Gets (1997): in 51 of its 77 quotes
Most scenes with: Carol Connelly (15), Frank Sachs (10), Simon Bishop (5)
Some of us have great stories, pretty stories that take place at lakes, with boats, and friends, and noodle salad. Just, no one in this car. But, a lot of people, that's their story. Good times, noodle salad. What makes it so hard is not that you had it bad, but you're that pissed that so many others had it good.
More lines from Melvin Udall
24 quotes Melvin Udall Melvin Udall What if this is as good as it gets?
Melvin Udall Quit worrying. You'll be back on your knees in no time.
Melvin Udall This is New York, pal. If you can make it here, you can make it anywhere.
Melvin Udall I might be the only person on the face of the earth that knows you're the greatest woman alive. I might be the only one who appreciates how amazing you are in every single thing that you do, and how you are with Spencer. And in every single thought that you have, and how you say what you mean, and how you almost always mean something that's all about being straight and good. I think most people miss that about you, and I watch them, wondering how they can watch you bring their food and clear their tables, and never get that they just met the greatest woman alive. And the fact that I get it makes me feel good, about me.
Melvin Udall I can't do this without you. I'm afraid he might pull the stiff one-eye on me.
Melvin Udall People who talk in metaphors oughta shampoo my crotch.
Melvin Udall You're a disgrace to depression.
Melvin Udall Never interrupt me, okay? Not if there's a fire, not even if you hear the sound of a thud from my home, and one week later there's a smell coming from there that can only be a decaying human body, and you have to hold a hanky to your face because the stench is so thick that you think you're gonna faint. Even then, don't come knocking. Or, if it's election night, and you're excited and you wanna celebrate because some fudge-packer that you date has been elected the first **** president of the United States and he's going to have you down to Camp David. And you want someone to share the moment with. Even then, don't knock, not on this door. Not for ANY reason. Do you get me, sweetheart?
Melvin Udall Yes, I hate the doggy! Yes, I hate the doggy!
Melvin Udall I'm drowning here, and you're describing the water!
Melvin Udall Police! Donut-munching morons! Help me!
Melvin Udall As long as you keep your work zipped up around me, I don't give a rat-crap when or where you shove your show. Are we done being neighbors for now?
Melvin Udall I guess what I'm trying to say is... you make me want to be a better man.
Melvin Udall How can you diagnose someone as having Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and then act as if I had some kind of choice about barging in here?
Melvin Udall Carol the waitress, meet Simon the f**.
Melvin Udall Where do they teach you to talk like that? Some Panama City sailor wanna hump hump bar? Or is this getaway day and a last shot at his whiskey? Sell crazy some place else, we're all stocked up here.
Melvin Udall [trying to write]
"Love was..." [Simon Bishop knocks on his door] Son of a BITCH! Pansy-ass stool pusher!
Melvin Udall [to Verdell]
I think it's a beautiful day for our walk today. Very nice. [Verdell is avoiding the cracks in the sidewalk, just like Melvin does. Melvin slows and observes the dog mirroring his behavior. Verdell carefully places his paws again to avoid a crack in the sidewalk.] What? Huh? [to Verdell] Hey! Hey! [He laughs out loud.] Look at that! Look at him! [He puts on plastic gloves.] I've gotta give you something. I gotta give you something real good, too. Now, I'm gonna show it to you. Come on, buddy. [He lifts Verdell to eye level.] Don't be like me, don't you be like me. You stay just the way you are 'cause you are a perfect man, and I'm gonna take you home and get you something to eat.
Melvin Udall Worst sidewalk in New York. Look where they put it.
Melvin Udall [to Brian]
I'll be quiet. Just let me stay here. No problem. Go get Carol. Get her here. I'm not a - a prick. You are. I'm not judging. I'm a great customer. This day has been a disaster. I'm not sure if I can handle this, too.
Melvin Udall [about Carol Connelly's promise to never sleep with him]
"Never," she says. "Never," she says.
Melvin Udall [introducing Carol Connelly and Simon Bishop to each other]
Carol, the waitress, Simon, the ****.
Melvin Udall [to the bartender]
The next thing I know, she's sitting right there next to me. Well, it's not right to go into details. I got nervous. I screwed up. I said the wrong thing. Where if I hadn't, I... I could be in bed right now with a woman who, if you make her laugh, you got a life. Instead, I'm here with you. No offense, but a moron pushing the last legal drug.
Scenes with Melvin Udall
26 scenes Melvin [answering the door]
Is he dead yet?
Nora No! I was wondering, would there be any way that you would be willing to walk his dog for him.
Melvin Absolutely.
Nora You're a wonderful man. Two o'clock would be a good time, and here is the key in case he is asleep. Open the curtains for him, so he can see God's beautiful work. And he'll know that, even things like this, happen for the best.
Melvin Where did they teach you to talk like that, in some Panama City 'Sailor wanna hump-hump' bar, or is it getaway day and your last shot at his whiskey? Sell crazy someplace else, we're all stocked up here.
So what are you doing with a dog?
Melvin Suckered in. Set up. Pushed around.
You're not worried someone might take it?
Melvin Well not until now for Christ sake!
Melvin I'm trying to keep emotion out of this. Even though this is an important issue to me, and I have very strong feelings on the subject.
What subject?! That I wasn't there to take crap from you and bring you eggs? Do you have any control over how creepy you allow yourself to get?
Melvin Yes I do, as a matter of fact. And to prove it, I have not gotten personal and you have. Why aren't you at work? You sick? You don't look sick, just tired and bitter.
Zoe
How do you write women so well?
Melvin I think of a man, and I take away reason and accountability.
I'm not going to sleep with you. I will never sleep with you. Never, ever. Not ever.
Melvin I'm sorry, but, we don't open for the no-sex oaths until 9am.
I'm not kidding.
Melvin Okay. Anything else?
I love you.
Melvin I tell ya, buddy, I'd be the luckiest man alive if that did it for me.
Melvin Can I ask you a personal question?
Sure.
Melvin You ever get an erection over a woman?
Melvin.
Melvin I mean, wouldn't your life be easier if you--
You consider your life easy?
Melvin Alright. I give you that one.
Have you seen Verdell?
Melvin Udall What does he look like?
My dog. You know, my dog with the adorable face? Don't you know what my dog looks like?
Melvin Udall Oh, I got it. You were talking about your dog. I thought it was the name of that colored man I've been seeing in the halls.
Which color was that?
Melvin Udall Uh . . . like thick molasses, with a broad nose. Perfect for smelling trouble and prison food.
Woman at table I said, "You love me the way you do your remote control as long as I switch every time you press one of my buttons."
Man at table That's great! That's terrific--
Melvin Udall People that talk in metaphors oughta shampoo my crotch. [after the couple look at Melvin] Eat up!
Melvin Udall [Walks up to the couple he harassed earlier]
How much more you got to eat? [Couple look at Melvin quizzically] Appetites aren't as big as your noses, huh?
Woman at table [Puzzled]
What?
Melvin Udall [to Carol Connelly]
How old are you?
Hah!
Melvin Udall If I was gonna guess by your eyes, I'd say you were 50.
[Carol looks at Melvin.]
If I went by your eyes, I'd say you were kind. So, so much for eyes. But as long as you bring up age, how old are you?
Melvin Udall Oh, no, no, no, I mean not -
I mean, 'cause you brought it up.
Melvin Udall In other words -
No, I'm curious if you brought it up.
Melvin Udall In other words, you're not - not that you're ugly, that's not what I'm saying.
[Carol laughs out loud.]
Easy, easy, pal. I can take the compliment, but my knees start knocking when you turn on the charm full blast.
Melvin Udall [Melvin Udall enters the office of his psychiatrist Dr. Green.]
Hi. [closes door behind him] HELP!
Dr. Green If you want to see me, you will not do this. You will make an appointment.
Melvin Udall Dr. Green, how can you diagnose someone as an obsessive-compulsive disorder and then act as though I had some choice about barging in?
Dr. Green There's not going to be a debate. You must leave.
Melvin Udall You said you could help me! What was that? A tease?
Dr. Green I can help you if you take responsibility to keep regular appointment--
Melvin Udall [Melvin suddenly interrupts.]
You changed the room around.
Dr. Green Two years ago. I also regrew my beard, but you're not interested in changes in me. So, it's like I always--
Melvin Udall Sh. I don't have this mountain of available time. I have to get to my restaurant on time. Now, do you know how hard it was for me to come here?
Dr. Green Yes.
Melvin Udall Thank you.
Dr. Green [He starts for the office.]
No, we're not doing this now.
Melvin Udall I changed just one pattern, as you always said I should.
Dr. Green No. Nope.
Melvin Udall [to Carol Connelly]
I'm hungry.
Melvin Udall [He sees Carol's astonished look.]
You've ruined my whole day. I haven't eaten.
What are you doing here?
Melvin Udall [Melvin ignores this question, instead answering a charge that he had imagined that Carol might have taken.]
This is not a sexist thing. If you were a waiter, I'd be saying the -
Are you totally gone? This is my private home.
Melvin Udall I'm trying to keep emotion out of this. Even though it's an important issue to me, and I have very strong feelings on the subject.
What subject? That I wasn't there to take crap from you and bring you eggs? Do you have any control over how creepy you allow yourself to get?
Melvin Udall Yes, I do, as a matter of fact. And to prove it, I have not gotten personal, and you have. Why aren't you at work? You sick? You don't look sick. Just tired and bitter.
My son is sick, okay?
Melvin Udall [She crosses to the sink to dump the ice. Melvin takes a step inside.]
What about your mother?
How do you know about my mother?
Melvin Udall I hear you talking while I wait.
Spencer "Spence" Connelly
[offscreen]
Mom, I finished my juice.
I'm sorry, honey. One sec.
Spencer "Spence" Connelly
[offscreen]
Mom.
Melvin Udall [He walks into the room. Melvin is uncomfortable.] [to Spencer "Spence" Connelly]
How ya doing?
Melvin Udall [Spence just stares at Melvin, who becomes miffed.]
You should answer someone when they speak to you.
[Carol eyes Melvin with disgust and disbelief.]
I'm sorry, Melvin! That's it! I cannot handle you teaching my son manners!
Melvin Udall [She pushes Melvin out the door and closes it in Melvin's face.]
Ow!
[Carol Connelly carries Spencer "Spence" Connelly through a class of uniformed kids from a Catholic elementary school. Carol Connelly spots Melvin Udall who is about to enter a cab.]
Melvin, wait!
School kids
[Melvin turns to face Carol and the school kids, who pick up the chant in unison.]
Melvin, wait! Melvin, wait! Melvin, wait! Melvin, wait! Melvin, wait! Melvin, wait!
Melvin Udall [after looking incredulous for a moment]
SHUT UP, KIDS!
[The school kids immediately obey as Carol approaches Melvin.]
Give us a lift, would you, Melvin?
Melvin Udall [Melvin is thrown and pauses a beat.]
A lift? Okay? [to Spencer "Spence" Connelly] Cover your mouth while you cough, kid.
Spencer "Spence" Connelly
I won't.
Melvin Udall [Carol enters the hospital.]
Any chance you'll be back at work today?
No! Stay away from me! God!
[Carol Connelly hands Melvin Udall a letter of thanks.]
Now, this is for - for later.
Melvin Udall What's this?
Um . . . it's a note.
Melvin Udall A note?
Yeah, it's a thank you note.
Melvin Udall Thank you note? No, no, no.
You can read it later.
Melvin Udall No. No thank you. No. No thank you note. No, no, no, no.
Melvin Udall [He hands the note back to Carol.]
Thank you. Thank you.
Melvin Udall Yeah.
Real nice, huh?
Melvin Udall Really nice. Shouldn't that be a good thing, telling somebody, "no thanks required"?
Hey, I'm as concerned about Simon as you are.
Melvin Udall Concerned?
It's not just financial assistance...
Melvin Udall Hey!
Melvin Udall Well, yeah. I mean, if his parents are alive, they have to help - it's the rules! Good! That's great.
Absolutely.
Melvin Udall Let them help him.
[There is a beat.]
Only, uh... I got a high-maintenance selling painter coming through, so I'm out. Can you drive him?
Melvin Udall [after another beat]
Think white and get serious!
Take my car, a convertible.
Melvin Udall Like the wind! But I'm not doin' it!
Melvin Udall All right, I'll see you tomorrow. Uh, let's not drag this out, we don't enjoy one another that much.
If there is some mental health foundation that raises money for people like you, please be sure to let me know! [starts to leave]
Melvin Udall "Last word" freak.
Well, I always painted. And my - my mother always encouraged it. I mean, she was really sort of - she was sort of fabulous about it actually . . . and she used to . . . you know, I was too young to think anything wrong with it, and she was - she was very natural. So, she used to pose nude for me . . . and I always thought, or I guess I assumed that my father knew about it.
Melvin Udall This stuff is pointless.
Hey! Let him finish please.
Melvin Udall You like sad stories? You wanna hear mine?
Stop! [to Simon] Go ahead. Really. Please don't let him stop you.
Um, one day, he walked in, and he found us, and he just - he started screaming.
Melvin Udall [Melvin speaks quickly.]
My father didn't come out of his room for eleven years. He used to hit me on the hands with a yardstick if I made a mistake playing the piano. Huh?
Go ahead, Simon. So, you said he came in your room, and he was yelling?
Uh-huh.
Please. Come on.
Um, he was, uh, um . . .
Come on.
Yeah. I know. I mean, um, he was - I was - I remember I was defending my mother, and I - I was trying to, um, you know, make peace in the - the lamest way. I said . . .
[He and Carol laugh.]
And he started hitting me. And he beat me unconscious. And he talked to me less and less after that. I mean, he - you know, he knew what I was before I did. And the morning that I left for college, he walked into my room, and he held out his hand, and - and it was filled with money. A big, sweaty wad of money. And he said, "I don't want you to ever come back." And I just grabbed him, and I hugged him, and he turned and walked out.
[Carol kisses her fingers and touches them to Simon's cheek.]
Hey, we all have these terrible stories to get over. You--
Melvin Udall That's not true. Some of us have great stories. Pretty stories that take place at lakes with boats and friends and noodle salad. Just no one in this car. But, a lot of people, that's their story: good times, noodle salad. What makes it so hard is not that you had it bad, but that you're that pissed that so many others had it good.
No! I don't think so.
Not it at all, really.
Melvin Udall Not it at all, huh?
Melvin Udall [Simon shakes his head.]
Okay. Let's, uh, go to the hotel and, uh, tomorrow, you'll see if you can get another big wad of sweaty money out of his hand.
Head waiter
Good evening.
Melvin Udall Hi. You have hard shells, right?
Stop asking everyone.
Melvin Udall Just him, that's all. Okay, you can answer. We worked it out.
Head waiter
[The head waiter laughs.]
Yes, we do.
Melvin Udall Ah.
Head waiter
Oh, and, uh, I can give you a tie and jacket.
Melvin Udall What?
Head waiter
Oh, they require a tie and jacket, but we have some available.
Head waiter
[He reaches into the coat and check room and withdraws them.]
Sir?
Melvin Udall No, I'm not putting that on. And in case you were gonna ask, I'm also not going to let you inject me with the plague either.
It's such a nice place. [to the head waiter] You probably have these dry cleaned all the time, don't you?
Head Waiter
Actually, I don't think so.
Salesman [Melvin Udall walks to the doorway of a men's store and stops suddenly and sees that the floor is intricately patterned, making passage for him impossible.]
Good evening.
Melvin Udall I need a coat and tie.
Salesman All right. Come on in.
Melvin Udall No.
Salesman No?
Melvin Udall [Melvin points at a jacket.]
Uh, that one.
Salesman This one?
Melvin Udall [Melvin points again at the jacket and then a tie.]
That one and this tie.
You wanna dance?
Melvin Udall Well, I've been thinking about that since you brought it up before.
Melvin Udall No. I - I don't get this place. They make me buy a new outfit, and they let you in with a house dress. I don't get it.
Melvin Udall [He has no idea that he has insulted Carol. Sandbagged in extreme, she gets up, actually ready to leave.]
What? W-wait. No. Wait. Why? Where you going? No. Why? I mean, I . . . uh, I didn't mean it that way. I mean, you gotta sit down. You can still give me the dirty look, just sit down and give it to me.
Pay me a compliment, Melvin. I need one. Quick. You have no idea how much what you said hurt my feelings.
Melvin Udall [Melvin, who is really pissed, mutters.]
The monominute that someone gets that they need you, they threaten to walk out. It never fails.
A compliment is something nice about somebody else. Now or never.
Melvin Udall Okay.
Melvin Udall Can we order first?
Melvin Udall [Carol thinks and then nods. The waiter is across the room. This does not stop Melvin, who calls out to the waiter.]
Um, two hard shell crab dinners, pitcher of ice cold beer. [to Carol Connelly] Uh, baked or fries?
Fries.
Melvin Udall Right.
Melvin Udall [He calls to the waiter.]
One baked, one fried.
Waiter
[The waiter shouts back.]
I'll tell your waiter.
Melvin Udall What a waiter. [to Carol Connelly] Okay. Now, I got a real great compliment for you, and it's true.
I'm so afraid you're about to say something awful.
Melvin Udall Don't be pessimistic. It's not your style. Okay. Here I go. Clearly a mistake. I've got this what? Ailment. My doctor, a shrink that I used to go to all the time, he says that in 50 or 60 percent of the cases, a pill really helps. I hate pills. Very dangerous thing, pills. "Hate", I'm using the word "hate" here about pills. "Hate". My compliment is that night when you came over and told me that you would never . . .
Um.
Melvin Udall Um, all right, well, you were there. You know. You know what you said. Well, my compliment to you is the next morning, I started taking the pills.
Melvin Udall You make me want to be a better man.
That's maybe the best compliment of my life.
Melvin Udall Well, maybe I overshot a little because I was aiming at just enough to keep you from walking out.
Melvin Udall It's - it's - it's - it's, uh, it's little by little. It's - it's - it's exhausting talking like this.
Melvin Udall [He holds his head.]
Exhausting.
[Carol moves to the chair next to Melvin. Carol sits very close, and Melvin tenses.]
Do you ever let a romantic moment make you do something you know is stupid?
Melvin Udall Never.
Here's the trouble with never.
[She kisses Melvin.] Note: The line in bold was nominated for the AFI's 100 Years…100 Movie Quotes.
Melvin Udall [to Simon Bishop, about Carol Connelly]
Did you have sex with her?
[to Simon Bishop, offscreen]
Okay, so, you sure you don't want your shampoos or anything?
Melvin Udall [She comes out, her arms filled with the hotel soaps, shampoos, etc.]
Sorry. I didn't know she was still here.
Melvin Udall [There is a beat.]
Did you have sex with her?
To hell with sex.
[She looks at Melvin.]
It was better than sex. We held each other. What I need he gave me great. [to Simon Bishop] I'll get dressed in a hurry.
Melvin Udall [Melvin Udall is on the phone, and Carol Connelly is on the other line.]
Hello?
Yeah.
Melvin Udall How you doing?
Not so hot.
Melvin Udall [Melvin is very concerned.]
Why? Wh-what's wrong?
I don't know whether I'm being sensible or hard on you.
Melvin Udall Maybe both. Maybe.
See, right there, I don't know whether you're being cute or crazy now.
Melvin Udall Cute.
You don't have to answer everything I say. Just listen to me, okay? Listen to me. It's really something that you're looking after Simon. And what I said on the street. That was a bad thing to say. And it made me sick to my stomach. It was a bad thing to say. And I'd be lying if I didn't say I enjoy your company. But, the truth is you do bother me enormously, and I know that - think that it's - I think that it's better for me to not have contact with you because you're not ready, and you're a pretty old guy to not be ready, and I'm too old to ignore that. But, there were extraordinary kindnesses that did take place. Huh. So, anyway, thanks for the trip. Good night. Good night.
Melvin Udall Okay if I say something now?
Go ahead.
Melvin Udall I should've danced with you.
Mm. Good night. Good night.
What do you want, Melvin?
Melvin Udall I'm sorry I woke you. I - I - I - S-Simon -
Melvin Udall What a break.
Is it a secret what you're doing here?
Melvin Udall I had to see you.
Melvin Udall It relaxes me.
Melvin Udall [He laughs.]
I'd feel better sitting outside your apartment on the curb then any other place I can think of or imagine.
Melvin Udall [He is suddenly serious.]
No, no, no, no, wait. That's - that's overstating. I'd rather be sitting inside on the steps because I don't want to get my feet in the gutter. What would that serve?
Stop it! Why can't I have a normal boyfriend? Why? Just a regular boyfriend that doesn't go nuts on me! I -
Beverly Connelly [Beverly butts in, and Carol turns to her.]
Everybody wants that, dear. It doesn't exist.
I -
Beverly Connelly [to Melvin Udall]
Oh, I'm - I'm sorry.
Melvin Udall No.
Beverly Connelly I - I - I didn't mean to interrupt.
Melvin Udall [She disappears into the apartment. Melvin is hopeful.]
Boyfriend.
Melvin Udall Maybe we could live without the wisecracks.
Maybe we could.
[Carol Connelly sees Melvin Udall conspicuously avoiding stepping on lines.]
I'm sorry. Whatever this is is not gonna work.
Melvin Udall [Melvin half-whispers something.]
I'm feeling . . . I've been f-
What?
Melvin Udall I'm feeling better, Carol.
Melvin.
Melvin Udall Mm-hm.
Even though it may seem that way now, you don't know me all that well. I'm not the answer for you.
Melvin Udall Hey. I've got a great compliment for you.
Y-You know what? I - I - I . . .
Melvin Udall J-J-Just let me - let me talk. Just . . . I might be the only person on the face of the earth that knows you're the greatest woman on earth.
Melvin Udall [Carol laughs.]
I might be the only one who appreciates how amazing you are in every single thing that you do, and how you are with Spencer, Spence, and in every single thought that you have, and how you say what you mean and how you almost always mean something that's all about being straight and good. And I . . . I think most people miss that about you, and I watch them, wondering how they can watch you bring their food and clear their tables and never get that they just met the greatest woman alive. And the fact that I get it makes me feel good about me.
Melvin Udall [He laughs.]
Is that something that's, uh, bad for you to be around? For you?
No.
Melvin Udall [She and Melvin laugh.]
Gonna grab you.
Melvin Udall [He and Carol laugh again.]
I - I didn't mean for that to be a question. I'm gonna grab you.
Melvin Udall [He kisses Carol awkwardly. She and Melvin separate. There is a tense beat.]
I know I can do better than that.
Oh, Melvin -
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