Jack Nicholson movie quotes
292 quotes from 16 movies
As Good as It Gets (1997) as Melvin Udall
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Some of us have great stories, pretty stories that take place at lakes, with boats, and friends, and noodle salad. Just, no one in this car. But, a lot of people, that's their story. Good times, noodle salad. What makes it so hard is not that you had it bad, but you're that pissed that so many others had it good.
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How can you diagnose someone as having Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and then act as if I had some kind of choice about barging in here?
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Carol the waitress, meet Simon the f**.
Batman (1989) as The Joker
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That luscious tan, those ruby lips, and hair color so natural, only your undertaker knows for sure. I know what you're saying: where could I find these brand, new item? That's the gag. Chances are, you bought them already!
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I'm only laughing on the outside / My smile is just skin deep / If you could see inside I'm really crying / You might join me for a weep. [laughs]
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I saw it! I was there. I saw it all. He reached up with his dead hand and he signed it in his own blood. ...and he did it with this pen. Hello, Vinny. It's your Uncle Bingo. Time to pay the check.
The Departed (2006) as Frank Costello
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I'm concerned about a ****, who thinks it's wise to come to a business meeting, carrying automatic weapons. Because in this country, it don't add inches to your dick, you get a life sentence for it.
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When you decide to be something, you can be it. That's what they don't tell you in the church. When I was your age they would say we can become cops, or criminals. Today, what I'm saying to you is this: when you're facing a loaded gun, what's the difference?
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You want some coke? There it is. Don't come up until you're numb.
The Shining (1980) as Jack Torrance
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Little pigs, little pigs, let me come in. [Silence and a pause] Not by the hair of your chiny-chin-chins? Then I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'll blow your house in!
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Wendy? You got a big surprise coming to you. [laughs] You're not going anywhere. Go check out the Snow Cat and the radio and you'll see what I mean. [laughing insanely] Go check it out! Go check it out!
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Wendy, darling, light of my life, I'm not gonna hurt ya. Ya didn't let me finish my sentence. I said, I'm not gonna hurt ya. I'm just gonna bash your brains in. I'm gonna bash 'em right the **** in. [laughs]
Chinatown (1974) as Jake Gittes
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You're dumber than you think I think you are.
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Listen, pal. I make an honest living. People only come to me when they're in a desperate situation. I help 'em out. I don't kick families out of their houses like you bums down at the bank do.
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[To Escobar, mocking him] Come on, Lou, you're in charge. Make a decision.
A Few Good Men (1992) as Col. Nathan R. Jessep
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I run my unit how I run my unit. You want to investigate me, roll the dice and take your chances. I eat breakfast three hundred yards away from four thousand Cubans who are trained to kill me. So don't think for one second that you can come down here, flash a badge, and make me nervous.
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Take caution in your tone, Commander. I'm a fair guy, but this **** heat is making me absolutely crazy.
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Walk softly and carry an armored tank division, I always say.
Carnal Knowledge (1971) as Jonathan
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You want a job? I got a job for you. Fix up this pigsty! You get a pretty goddammed good salary for testing out this bed all day! You want an extra fifty dollars a week, try vacuuming! You want an extra hundred, make this goddammed bed! Try opening some goddammed windows! That's why you can't stand up in here, the goddammed place smells like a coffin!
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Women today are better-hung than the men.
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At one time, it was great what we had... the kidding around. It can't have a natural time span. Affairs can't dissolve in a good way. There's always got to be poison. I don't see why, I really don't see why!
Mars Attacks! (1996) as Art Land
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[Repeated line] Whoa!
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[Pitching a hotel/casino idea] If the Martians land, they're gonna need a place to stay. Just like everybody else.
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Even in a time of so-called intergalactic emergency, people still want to roooooll them bones!
Mars Attacks! (1996) as President Dale
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[Overhearing the Martians' destruction of France via telephone] ...mon Dieu..
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Rest assured that we will soon come out at a very real... outcome.
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First Lady: [After seeing the Martians on TV for the first time] I'm not allowing that thing in my house.
President Dale: Sweetie, we may have to. The people expect me to meet with them.
First Lady: Well, they're not going to eat off the Van Buren china.
President Dale: Sweetie, we may have to. The people expect me to meet with them.
First Lady: Well, they're not going to eat off the Van Buren china.
The Two Jakes (1990) as Jake Gittes
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What I do for a living may not be very reputable. But I am. In this town I'm the leper with the most fingers.
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I'm trying to be a gentleman here. Now, get on your knees, put your ass in the air, and don't move until I say to.
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You can't trust a guy who's never lost anything.
Easy Rider (1969) as George Hanson
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'Madame Tinkertoy's House of Blue Lights. Corner of Bourbon and Toulouse, New Orleans, Louisiana.' Now this is supposed to be the finest whorehouse in the South. These ain't no pork chops. These are U. S. Prime.
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Here's to the first of the day, fellas. To ol' D. H. Lawrence. Nik-nik-nik-f-f-f-Indians!
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You- you mean marijuana. Lord have mercy, is that what that is? Well, let me see that. Mmmmm-mmm. Mmmm....I-I-I couldn't do that. I mean, I've got enough problems with the - with the booze and all. I mean, uh, I - I can't afford to get hooked...it-it-it leads to harder stuff.
The Bucket List (2007) as Edward Cole
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We live, we die, and the wheels on the bus go round and round.
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Jesus is Lord, now pass the mustard.
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If life has taught me anything, it's that 95 percent of the people are always wrong.
The Missouri Breaks (1976) as Tom Logan
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[to Clayton, whispering] You know what woke you up? You just had your throat cut.
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The first time I met Sandy, he was rustling on his own. He had a stolen cavalry pony and he kept this dog. As soon as he would kill a steer, why he'd cut the brand off and feed it to the dog. So before they could get enough evidence to convict him, they'd have to lock that dog up and pick through his shit for a week before they could find the brand.
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The closer you get to Canada, the more things'll eat your horse.
The Witches of Eastwick (1987) as Daryl Van Horne
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Men are such ****s aren't they? You don't have to answer that. It's true. They're scared. Their dicks get limp when confronted by a woman of obvious power and what do they do about it? Call them witches, burn them, torture them, until every woman is afraid. Afraid of herself... afraid of men... and all for what? Fear of losing their hard-on.
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I see men, sixty, seventy years old breaking their balls to stay fit! What for? When I die, I want to be sick, not healthy.
Terms of Endearment (1983) as Garrett Breedlove
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[Lying in the surf after being thrown from the car] If you wanted to get me on my back, all you had to do was ask me.
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Garrett: You're just going to have to trust me about this one thing. You need a lot of drinks.
Aurora: To break the ice?
Garrett: To kill the bug that you have up your ass.
Aurora: To break the ice?
Garrett: To kill the bug that you have up your ass.
Reds (1981) as Eugene O'Neill
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I'd like to kill you, but I can't. So you can do whatever you want to. Except not see me.
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Jack dreams that he can hustle the American working man, who's one dream is that he could be rich enough not to work, into a revolution led by his party.
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If you were mine, I wouldn't share you with anybody or anything. It'd be just you and me. We'd be the center of it all. I know it would feel a lot more like love than being left alone with your work.
Anger Management (2003) as Dr Buddy Rydell
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"There are two kinds of angry people: explosive and implosive. Explosive is the kind of Individual that you see screaming at the cashier for not taking their coupon. Implosive, is the cashier who remains quiet day after day and finally shoots everyone in the store. You are the cashier."
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"Sarcasm is anger's ugly cousin. From now on, unacceptable."
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Dr Buddy Rydell: [watching a movie, laughing] OH, HEY! I'M WETTIN MY JOCKIES HERE! [continues laughing] You gotta get a load of this, keed. I mean, you like comedies? Huh?
Dave Buznik: Yeah, I just haven't been getting much sleep lately and I'd like to get some.
Dr Buddy Rydell: Oh, hey, hey. [pause, watches movie] Take a look at this actress here. What is your position on, uh, breast implants?
[disturbs people on plane]
Dave Busnik: You know, I could just watch the movie with ya. [to flight attendant] Excuse me, could I get a headset?
Flight Attendant: Certainly.
Dave Buznik: Yeah, I just haven't been getting much sleep lately and I'd like to get some.
Dr Buddy Rydell: Oh, hey, hey. [pause, watches movie] Take a look at this actress here. What is your position on, uh, breast implants?
[disturbs people on plane]
Dave Busnik: You know, I could just watch the movie with ya. [to flight attendant] Excuse me, could I get a headset?
Flight Attendant: Certainly.
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