Beverly Connelly You are not still writing that thank you note?
I'm on my last page. How do you spell "conscience"?
Beverly Connelly C-o-n-s-c-i-e-n-c-e. Look, I got Sean from the bakery to come babysit so we could go out.
I still don't feel safe leaving Spencer with someone. Could you spell that again, please?
Beverly Connelly Spencer's okay. You better finding something else to do with your free time. [to Sean] Sean, are you hungry?
Sean [offscreen]
Yeah.
Beverly Connelly All right. We got pizza. Carol and I are going out. Sausage pepperoni. You wanna make this later for you and Spencer?
Sean [offscreen]
Great.
Beverly Connelly [to Carol Connelly]
We are going out like people do. If you can't feel good about this break and step out a little . . .
Beverly Connelly [She struts and pumps her arms.]
. . . then I - I think you ought to have Mr. Udall send you over a psychiatrist.
[Carol replies more emotionally than she intended.]
I don't need one 'cause I know what's really going on here. I gotta finish this letter, or I'll go nuts.
Beverly Connelly Carol?
This can't be right. "Con-science"?!
Beverly Connelly [She breathes heavily, gets control, and stops herself on the brink of crying.]
Carol? What?
[She nods. Carol breaks down in tears.]
It's very weird now not feeling that stupid panic feeling inside me all the time. Without that, I just start thinking about myself, and what good does that ever get anybody? Today, on the bus, there was this adorable couple, and I felt myself giving them a dirty look. I just had no idea everything was . . .
Beverly Connelly [She makes forceful hand gestures.]
Go ahead.
. . . moving in the wrong direction. Away from a time when I remembered what it was like to have a man to anything . . . hold **** - sorry . . .
Beverly Connelly No, it's okay.
. . . hands with, for Christ's sake. And I felt almost really bad that Dr. Bettes is married. Which is probably why I make Spencer hug me more than he wants to. The poor kid doesn't have enough problems. He has to make up for his mom not getting any. Who needs these thoughts?
Beverly Connelly So, what, are you saying that you're frustrated -
Leave me be! Why are you doing this? What is it you want? I hope getting me thinking about everything that's wrong when all I want to do is not do that has some purpose. Really, Mom, what is it you want? What?
Beverly Connelly I want us to go out.
What do you want, Melvin?
I'm sorry I woke you. I - I - I - S-Simon -
[He half turns to leave.]
I wasn't asleep.
Is it a secret what you're doing here?
[Beverly Connelly, who is behind the door, is hearing their conversation.]
Because?
[He laughs.]
I'd feel better sitting outside your apartment on the curb then any other place I can think of or imagine.
[He is suddenly serious.]
No, no, no, no, wait. That's - that's overstating. I'd rather be sitting inside on the steps because I don't want to get my feet in the gutter. What would that serve?
Stop it! Why can't I have a normal boyfriend? Why? Just a regular boyfriend that doesn't go nuts on me! I -
Beverly Connelly [Beverly butts in, and Carol turns to her.]
Everybody wants that, dear. It doesn't exist.
Beverly Connelly [to Melvin Udall]
Oh, I'm - I'm sorry.
Beverly Connelly I - I - I didn't mean to interrupt.
[She disappears into the apartment. Melvin is hopeful.]
Boyfriend.
[Carol looks at Melvin.]
Come in and try not to ruin everything by being you.
Maybe we could live without the wisecracks.
Well, I've been thinking about that since you brought it up before.
No. I - I don't get this place. They make me buy a new outfit, and they let you in with a house dress. I don't get it.
[He has no idea that he has insulted Carol. Sandbagged in extreme, she gets up, actually ready to leave.]
What? W-wait. No. Wait. Why? Where you going? No. Why? I mean, I . . . uh, I didn't mean it that way. I mean, you gotta sit down. You can still give me the dirty look, just sit down and give it to me.
Pay me a compliment, Melvin. I need one. Quick. You have no idea how much what you said hurt my feelings.
[Melvin, who is really pissed, mutters.]
The monominute that someone gets that they need you, they threaten to walk out. It never fails.
A compliment is something nice about somebody else. Now or never.
[He waves Carol down, and she sits.]
And mean it.
[Carol thinks and then nods. The waiter is across the room. This does not stop Melvin, who calls out to the waiter.]
Um, two hard shell crab dinners, pitcher of ice cold beer. [to Carol Connelly] Uh, baked or fries?
[Melvin does not hear Carol. She speaks louder.]
Fries.
[He calls to the waiter.]
One baked, one fried.
W Waiter
[The waiter shouts back.]
I'll tell your waiter.
What a waiter. [to Carol Connelly] Okay. Now, I got a real great compliment for you, and it's true.
I'm so afraid you're about to say something awful.
Don't be pessimistic. It's not your style. Okay. Here I go. Clearly a mistake. I've got this what? Ailment. My doctor, a shrink that I used to go to all the time, he says that in 50 or 60 percent of the cases, a pill really helps. I hate pills. Very dangerous thing, pills. "Hate", I'm using the word "hate" here about pills. "Hate". My compliment is that night when you came over and told me that you would never . . .
Um, all right, well, you were there. You know. You know what you said. Well, my compliment to you is the next morning, I started taking the pills.
[Carol is a little confused.]
I don't quite get how that's a compliment for me.
You make me want to be a better man.
That's maybe the best compliment of my life.
Well, maybe I overshot a little because I was aiming at just enough to keep you from walking out.
[Carol and Melvin laugh.]
How's it going with those pills? Good, I hopahopahopa. Hm.
It's - it's - it's - it's, uh, it's little by little. It's - it's - it's exhausting talking like this.
[He holds his head.]
Exhausting.
[Carol moves to the chair next to Melvin. Carol sits very close, and Melvin tenses.]
Do you ever let a romantic moment make you do something you know is stupid?
Here's the trouble with never.
[She kisses Melvin.] Note: The line in bold was nominated for the AFI's 100 Years…100 Movie Quotes.
Hey, I'm as concerned about Simon as you are.
It's not just financial assistance...
[continuing]
He's got to get to Baltimore to ask his parents for money, tomorrow.
Well, yeah. I mean, if his parents are alive, they have to help - it's the rules! Good! That's great.
[There is a beat.]
Only, uh... I got a high-maintenance selling painter coming through, so I'm out. Can you drive him?
[after another beat]
Think white and get serious!
Take my car, a convertible.
[Melvin holds back a laugh.]
Do you drive?
Like the wind! But I'm not doin' it!
HW Head waiter
Good evening.
Hi. You have hard shells, right?
Just him, that's all. Okay, you can answer. We worked it out.
HW Head waiter
[The head waiter laughs.]
Yes, we do.
HW Head waiter
Oh, and, uh, I can give you a tie and jacket.
HW Head waiter
Oh, they require a tie and jacket, but we have some available.
HW Head waiter
[He reaches into the coat and check room and withdraws them.]
Sir?
No, I'm not putting that on. And in case you were gonna ask, I'm also not going to let you inject me with the plague either.
It's such a nice place. [to the head waiter] You probably have these dry cleaned all the time, don't you?
HW Head Waiter
Actually, I don't think so.
[to Carol Connelly]
How old are you?
If I was gonna guess by your eyes, I'd say you were 50.
[Carol looks at Melvin.]
If I went by your eyes, I'd say you were kind. So, so much for eyes. But as long as you bring up age, how old are you?
Oh, no, no, no, I mean not -
I mean, 'cause you brought it up.
No, I'm curious if you brought it up.
In other words, you're not - not that you're ugly, that's not what I'm saying.
[Carol laughs out loud.]
Easy, easy, pal. I can take the compliment, but my knees start knocking when you turn on the charm full blast.
[to Carol Connelly]
I'm hungry.
[He sees Carol's astonished look.]
You've ruined my whole day. I haven't eaten.
[Melvin ignores this question, instead answering a charge that he had imagined that Carol might have taken.]
This is not a sexist thing. If you were a waiter, I'd be saying the -
Are you totally gone? This is my private home.
I'm trying to keep emotion out of this. Even though it's an important issue to me, and I have very strong feelings on the subject.
What subject? That I wasn't there to take crap from you and bring you eggs? Do you have any control over how creepy you allow yourself to get?
Yes, I do, as a matter of fact. And to prove it, I have not gotten personal, and you have. Why aren't you at work? You sick? You don't look sick. Just tired and bitter.
[She crosses to the sink to dump the ice. Melvin takes a step inside.]
What about your mother?
How do you know about my mother?
I hear you talking while I wait.
SS Spencer "Spence" Connelly
[offscreen]
Mom, I finished my juice.
I'm sorry, honey. One sec.
SS Spencer "Spence" Connelly
[offscreen]
Mom.
[He walks into the room. Melvin is uncomfortable.] [to Spencer "Spence" Connelly]
How ya doing?
[Spence just stares at Melvin, who becomes miffed.]
You should answer someone when they speak to you.
[Carol eyes Melvin with disgust and disbelief.]
I'm sorry, Melvin! That's it! I cannot handle you teaching my son manners!
[She pushes Melvin out the door and closes it in Melvin's face.]
Ow!
[to Simon Bishop, about Carol Connelly]
Did you have sex with her?
[to Simon Bishop, offscreen]
Okay, so, you sure you don't want your shampoos or anything?
[She comes out, her arms filled with the hotel soaps, shampoos, etc.]
Sorry. I didn't know she was still here.
[There is a beat.]
Did you have sex with her?
[She looks at Melvin.]
It was better than sex. We held each other. What I need he gave me great. [to Simon Bishop] I'll get dressed in a hurry.
[She leaves the room, and Simon laughs.]
Just love her.
[There is a beat.]
How you doing?
