[answering the door]
Is he dead yet?
Nora No! I was wondering, would there be any way that you would be willing to walk his dog for him.
Nora You're a wonderful man. Two o'clock would be a good time, and here is the key in case he is asleep. Open the curtains for him, so he can see God's beautiful work. And he'll know that, even things like this, happen for the best.
Where did they teach you to talk like that, in some Panama City 'Sailor wanna hump-hump' bar, or is it getaway day and your last shot at his whiskey? Sell crazy someplace else, we're all stocked up here.
I'm trying to keep emotion out of this. Even though this is an important issue to me, and I have very strong feelings on the subject.
What subject?! That I wasn't there to take crap from you and bring you eggs? Do you have any control over how creepy you allow yourself to get?
Yes I do, as a matter of fact. And to prove it, I have not gotten personal and you have. Why aren't you at work? You sick? You don't look sick, just tired and bitter.
Well, I always painted. And my - my mother always encouraged it. I mean, she was really sort of - she was sort of fabulous about it actually . . . and she used to . . . you know, I was too young to think anything wrong with it, and she was - she was very natural. So, she used to pose nude for me . . . and I always thought, or I guess I assumed that my father knew about it.
Hey! Let him finish please.
You like sad stories? You wanna hear mine?
Stop! [to Simon] Go ahead. Really. Please don't let him stop you.
Um, one day, he walked in, and he found us, and he just - he started screaming.
[Melvin speaks quickly.]
My father didn't come out of his room for eleven years. He used to hit me on the hands with a yardstick if I made a mistake playing the piano. Huh?
Go ahead, Simon. So, you said he came in your room, and he was yelling?
Yeah. I know. I mean, um, he was - I was - I remember I was defending my mother, and I - I was trying to, um, you know, make peace in the - the lamest way. I said . . .
[He laughs.]
I said, "She's not naked. It's art."
[He and Carol laugh.]
And he started hitting me. And he beat me unconscious. And he talked to me less and less after that. I mean, he - you know, he knew what I was before I did. And the morning that I left for college, he walked into my room, and he held out his hand, and - and it was filled with money. A big, sweaty wad of money. And he said, "I don't want you to ever come back." And I just grabbed him, and I hugged him, and he turned and walked out.
[Carol kisses her fingers and touches them to Simon's cheek.]
Hey, we all have these terrible stories to get over. You--
That's not true. Some of us have great stories. Pretty stories that take place at lakes with boats and friends and noodle salad. Just no one in this car. But, a lot of people, that's their story: good times, noodle salad. What makes it so hard is not that you had it bad, but that you're that pissed that so many others had it good.
[Simon shakes his head.]
Okay. Let's, uh, go to the hotel and, uh, tomorrow, you'll see if you can get another big wad of sweaty money out of his hand.
[Carol Connelly carries Spencer "Spence" Connelly through a class of uniformed kids from a Catholic elementary school. Carol Connelly spots Melvin Udall who is about to enter a cab.]
Melvin, wait!
SK School kids
[Melvin turns to face Carol and the school kids, who pick up the chant in unison.]
Melvin, wait! Melvin, wait! Melvin, wait! Melvin, wait! Melvin, wait! Melvin, wait!
[after looking incredulous for a moment]
SHUT UP, KIDS!
[The school kids immediately obey as Carol approaches Melvin.]
Give us a lift, would you, Melvin?
[Melvin is thrown and pauses a beat.]
A lift? Okay? [to Spencer "Spence" Connelly] Cover your mouth while you cough, kid.
SS Spencer "Spence" Connelly
I won't.
[Carol Connelly hands Melvin Udall a letter of thanks.]
Now, this is for - for later.
Yeah, it's a thank you note.
Thank you note? No, no, no.
No. No thank you. No. No thank you note. No, no, no, no.
[He hands the note back to Carol.]
Thank you. Thank you.
[Carol leaves.]
She's nice.
Really nice. Shouldn't that be a good thing, telling somebody, "no thanks required"?
[Carol Connelly sees Melvin Udall conspicuously avoiding stepping on lines.]
I'm sorry. Whatever this is is not gonna work.
[Melvin half-whispers something.]
I'm feeling . . . I've been f-
I'm feeling better, Carol.
Even though it may seem that way now, you don't know me all that well. I'm not the answer for you.
Hey. I've got a great compliment for you.
Y-You know what? I - I - I . . .
J-J-Just let me - let me talk. Just . . . I might be the only person on the face of the earth that knows you're the greatest woman on earth.
[Carol laughs.]
I might be the only one who appreciates how amazing you are in every single thing that you do, and how you are with Spencer, Spence, and in every single thought that you have, and how you say what you mean and how you almost always mean something that's all about being straight and good. And I . . . I think most people miss that about you, and I watch them, wondering how they can watch you bring their food and clear their tables and never get that they just met the greatest woman alive. And the fact that I get it makes me feel good about me.
[He laughs.]
Is that something that's, uh, bad for you to be around? For you?
[She and Melvin laugh.]
Gonna grab you.
[He and Carol laugh again.]
I - I didn't mean for that to be a question. I'm gonna grab you.
[He kisses Carol awkwardly. She and Melvin separate. There is a tense beat.]
I know I can do better than that.
[He kisses her again.]
Better. Definitely better.
[Melvin Udall enters the office of his psychiatrist Dr. Green.]
Hi. [closes door behind him] HELP!
Dr. Green If you want to see me, you will not do this. You will make an appointment.
Dr. Green, how can you diagnose someone as an obsessive-compulsive disorder and then act as though I had some choice about barging in?
Dr. Green There's not going to be a debate. You must leave.
You said you could help me! What was that? A tease?
Dr. Green I can help you if you take responsibility to keep regular appointment--
[Melvin suddenly interrupts.]
You changed the room around.
Dr. Green Two years ago. I also regrew my beard, but you're not interested in changes in me. So, it's like I always--
Sh. I don't have this mountain of available time. I have to get to my restaurant on time. Now, do you know how hard it was for me to come here?
Dr. Green Yes.
Dr. Green [He starts for the office.]
No, we're not doing this now.
I changed just one pattern, as you always said I should.
Dr. Green No. Nope.
[Melvin Udall is on the phone, and Carol Connelly is on the other line.]
Hello?
[Melvin is very concerned.]
Why? Wh-what's wrong?
I don't know whether I'm being sensible or hard on you.
See, right there, I don't know whether you're being cute or crazy now.
You don't have to answer everything I say. Just listen to me, okay? Listen to me. It's really something that you're looking after Simon. And what I said on the street. That was a bad thing to say. And it made me sick to my stomach. It was a bad thing to say. And I'd be lying if I didn't say I enjoy your company. But, the truth is you do bother me enormously, and I know that - think that it's - I think that it's better for me to not have contact with you because you're not ready, and you're a pretty old guy to not be ready, and I'm too old to ignore that. But, there were extraordinary kindnesses that did take place. Huh. So, anyway, thanks for the trip. Good night. Good night.
Okay if I say something now?
I should've danced with you.
Mm. Good night. Good night.
