Simon Bishop You don't love anything, Mr. Udall.
3rd most-quoted character in As Good as It Gets (1997): in 18 of its 77 quotes
Most scenes with: Melvin Udall (5), Carol Connelly (3), Frank Sachs (2)
Do you miss the tough guy? [imitating Melvin] Well here I am, sweetheart! C'mere ya little piss-ant mop!
More lines from Simon Bishop
11 quotes Simon Bishop Simon Bishop Lucky for you, you're here for rock-bottom. You absolute horror of a human being.
Simon Bishop Well then get in your jamies and I'll read you a story!
Simon Bishop I'm losing my apartment, Melvin. And Frank, he wants me to beg my parents, who haven't called me, for help. And I won't. And... I don't want to paint any more! So the life that I was trying for, is over. The life that I had is gone, and I'm feeling so damn sorry for myself that it's difficult to breathe.
Simon Bishop The best thing you have going for you is your willingness to humiliate yourself.
Simon Bishop If you stare at someone long enough, you discover their humanity.
Simon Bishop [to Vincent Lopiano]
Okay. Wh - What I do is I watch. You ever watch somebody who doesn't know that you're watching them? An old woman sitting on a bus or kids going to school or somebody just waiting, and you see this flash come over them, and you know immediately that it has nothing to do with anything external because that hasn't changed. And when you see it, they're just sort of realer, and they're more alive. I mean, you look at someone long enough, you discover their humanity.
Simon Bishop [to Verdell]
Do you miss the tough guy? [imitating Melvin] Well here I am, sweetheart! Happy to see me, ya little piss-ant mop!? How 'bout another ride down the chute?!
Simon Bishop [to Melvin Udall]
Rot in hell, Melvin.
Simon Bishop [to Melvin Udall]
Is this fun for you? Hm? You lucky devil. It just keeps getting better and better, don't it? I'm losing my apartment, Melvin. And... and Frank, he wants me to beg my parents, who haven't called me for help. And I won't. And... I... I don't want to paint anymore. So, the life that I was trying for is over. The life that I had is gone, and I'm feeling so damn sorry for myself that it's difficult to breathe. It's high times for you, isn't it, Melvin?! The gay neighbor's terrified! TERRIFIED!
Simon Bishop [to Carol Connelly]
But you're beautiful, Carol. Your skin, your long neck, the back, the line of you. You're why caveman chiseled on walls.
Scenes with Simon Bishop
6 scenes Simon I love you.
I tell ya, buddy, I'd be the luckiest man alive if that did it for me.
Can I ask you a personal question?
Simon Sure.
You ever get an erection over a woman?
Simon Melvin.
I mean, wouldn't your life be easier if you--
Simon You consider your life easy?
Alright. I give you that one.
Simon Bishop Have you seen Verdell?
What does he look like?
Simon Bishop My dog. You know, my dog with the adorable face? Don't you know what my dog looks like?
Oh, I got it. You were talking about your dog. I thought it was the name of that colored man I've been seeing in the halls.
Simon Bishop Which color was that?
Uh . . . like thick molasses, with a broad nose. Perfect for smelling trouble and prison food.
Simon Bishop Well, I always painted. And my - my mother always encouraged it. I mean, she was really sort of - she was sort of fabulous about it actually . . . and she used to . . . you know, I was too young to think anything wrong with it, and she was - she was very natural. So, she used to pose nude for me . . . and I always thought, or I guess I assumed that my father knew about it.
This stuff is pointless.
Hey! Let him finish please.
You like sad stories? You wanna hear mine?
Stop! [to Simon] Go ahead. Really. Please don't let him stop you.
Simon Bishop Um, one day, he walked in, and he found us, and he just - he started screaming.
[Melvin speaks quickly.]
My father didn't come out of his room for eleven years. He used to hit me on the hands with a yardstick if I made a mistake playing the piano. Huh?
Go ahead, Simon. So, you said he came in your room, and he was yelling?
Simon Bishop Uh-huh.
Please. Come on.
Simon Bishop Um, he was, uh, um . . .
Come on.
Simon Bishop Yeah. I know. I mean, um, he was - I was - I remember I was defending my mother, and I - I was trying to, um, you know, make peace in the - the lamest way. I said . . .
Simon Bishop [He laughs.]
I said, "She's not naked. It's art."
Simon Bishop [He and Carol laugh.]
And he started hitting me. And he beat me unconscious. And he talked to me less and less after that. I mean, he - you know, he knew what I was before I did. And the morning that I left for college, he walked into my room, and he held out his hand, and - and it was filled with money. A big, sweaty wad of money. And he said, "I don't want you to ever come back." And I just grabbed him, and I hugged him, and he turned and walked out.
[Carol kisses her fingers and touches them to Simon's cheek.]
Hey, we all have these terrible stories to get over. You--
That's not true. Some of us have great stories. Pretty stories that take place at lakes with boats and friends and noodle salad. Just no one in this car. But, a lot of people, that's their story: good times, noodle salad. What makes it so hard is not that you had it bad, but that you're that pissed that so many others had it good.
No! I don't think so.
Simon Bishop Not it at all, really.
Not it at all, huh?
[Simon shakes his head.]
Okay. Let's, uh, go to the hotel and, uh, tomorrow, you'll see if you can get another big wad of sweaty money out of his hand.
Are you okay?
Simon Bishop Don't ask. I'm tired of my own complaints. I gotta get some new thoughts.
Why? What are you thinking about?
Simon Bishop How to die, mostly.
Can you believe in our little mix, you're the good roommate?
[to Simon Bishop, offscreen]
Okay, so, you sure you don't want your shampoos or anything?
[She comes out, her arms filled with the hotel soaps, shampoos, etc.]
Sorry. I didn't know she was still here.
To hell with sex.
[She looks at Melvin.]
It was better than sex. We held each other. What I need he gave me great. [to Simon Bishop] I'll get dressed in a hurry.
Simon Bishop [She leaves the room, and Simon laughs.]
Just love her.
Simon Bishop [There is a beat.]
How you doing?
