[driving by in his camper trailer]
Something wrong, Officer?
ATF Agent [holds up a picture of Beavis & Butt-head]
Sir, we're looking for these two fugitives.
Well, I'll be danged. That's them two kids that have been whacking in my camper.
ATF Agent You saw these two?
I sure did. Boy, I've never seen two kids do so much damned whacking.
ATF Agent [speaking on his walkie-talkie]
This is post 9; I have positive ID.
Boy, they're just like a couple of little old spider monkeys, I'll tell ya that.
ATF Agent Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you and your wife to step out of the vehicle.
Well now, wait a minute. Me and the Mrs. here are on our way to Washington D.C., and–
ATF Agent [points a gun at Tom Anderson]
NOW!!
Now, wait right there. You're dealing with a veteran of 2 foreign wars. They're the one been whackin'. I find anything broken in there, you and I gonna tangle.
Masturbating in the man's camper. We're dealing with two sick individuals. I want that camper torn apart, full cavity searches all around. Something tells me he could be involved.
What in the hell--now wait just a minute!
Agent Bork Chief, this just came in. Two days ago, express airways had a disturbance by someone calling himself "Cornholio." Guess who matches the description?
Finally, a real break. Get me that flash point of origin. We're gonna kick some ass.
[to her husband]
I want you to meet two nice boys. [She introduces Beavis first] This is Travis and Bob. [to Butt-head] And, what's your last name, dear?
Uh, Head. My first name is Butt.
Agent Flemming, ATF. So, are you gonna tell us where it is or will I have to have Agent Hurly over there give you another cavity search?
Look, Mrs. Scum, we know who you are. Tell her, Bork.
Agent Bork Dallas Grimmes, married to Muddy Grimmes. you run a mom-and-pop arms smuggling ring.
Mmph. You got my bad side.
3 days ago, you pulled a job at the Army Research Facility in Hadley, Nevada, where you stole the X-5 unit. We happen to know you had the unit with you when you checked in here, so why don't you be a good girl and tell us where it is?
You gonna charge me with anything? I didn't think so. You wanna let me go now, or wait till my lawyer files a wrongful arrest?
Agent Bork We got nothing, Chief. We tore the place apart. We can only legally hold her another couple of hours.
Damn it! Cut her loose. WHERE IS THAT DAMN UNIT?
Uh, do you know where Washington is?
PF Petrified Forest Recording
[Pointing to the desert]
Uh, yeah. About two thousand miles that way.
Didn't see which way they went. Didn't see their vehicle. I don't suppose you tried to stop them.
PR Park Ranger
The most dangerous guys in America? No, thank you. I make $9.00 an hour.
National Security is the responsibility of every American. Bork...
Agent Bork Cavity search?
Agent Bork Agent Hurly.
They're not gonna get away this time. I want roadblocks every road out of here for 200 miles.
AF Agent Fleming
Shut up! You've been harboring two criminal masterminds.
Agent Bork Chief, you know that guy whose camper they were whacking off in?
AF Agent Fleming
Bork, you're a Federal Agent. You represent the United States government. Never end a sentence with a preposition.
Agent Bork Oh, uh... You know that guy in whose camper they... I mean, that guy off in whose camper they were whacking?
AF Agent Fleming
That's better. Yes?
Agent Bork We've run a sample through the national criminal sperm bank and come up with 2 possible genetic matches for a father. Former motley crue roadies turned drifters.
Hoover Dam Guide Now, can anybody tell me how much energy it takes to power Las Vegas?
Yeah, I just have a question. Um, is this a God dam? You know, god damn. You know?
Hoover Dam Guide If you'll follow me this way.
This is dumb. Let's go find that chick.
Yeah. Enough of this crap. Whoa. Check it out, Butt-head, TV!
M1 Man #1
I gotta hit the head. Can you get me some coffee?
Agent Bork Chief, we found a witness that says he saw 2 teenagers leaving Dallas' room shortly before we arrived.
Did you give him a full cavity search?
Agent Bork Uh... the witness?
Yes. You can never be too careful, Bork.
Agent Bork Well, sir, I didn't really think it was necessary. You see, we have a picture of them from the elevator security cam. Here. Have a look.
Agent Bork They look like a couple of kids, Chief.
Bork, don't you realize what kids today are capable of? Don't you read the papers? What the...?
[Getting back on the bus]
Wait a minute. We can't leave Washington till we find that chick.
Oh, we're a long way from Washington, Bob. This is the Hoover Dam.
Dam? Heh heh. I'll be damned.
Do you see what I see, Bork?
Agent Bork I see it. I just don't get it.
You got half the state looking for you. How do you get away?
Agent Bork Cut to power!
Damn right. Bork, we're dealing with real pros here. My opinion: terrorists. What's the scoop on that stolen unit?
Agent Bork Well, sir, it's not good. Roll the tape. The X-5 unit is a new top-secret biological weapon - a man-made virus, the deadliest known to man. It could wipe out 5 states in 5 days. Here's what happened when it was tested on a group army recruits. Look at these guys, Chief. This thing is a veritable Doomsday device.
Jesus Jumped-Up Christ! If this were to fall into the wrong hands...
Agent Bork It gets worse. The unit wasn't finished. It has a flaw - the casing. If hit hard enough, it could break open, releasing the virus.
OK, people, as of right now, these are the most dangerous men in America. I want these faces in front of every fed and 2-bit sheriff within a thousand miles. The orders are dead or alive. Let's just pray that nothing hits that unit.
LI Lady in News
Well, Bob, the news out here is not good. Authorities are calling this the worst highway disaster in the Nation's history. Behind me, over 400 vehicles lay wrecked or stuck.
Agent Bork Chief, look!
LI Lady in News
No one knows what caused it, but police have not ruled out...
Well, I'll be a blue-nosed gopher.
Agent Bork Where did these guys come from?
The question is, where are they going?
In other news, G-Pac is set to begin at 2 P.M. tomorrow when representatives from around the world...
What the hell? Bork! That bus we picked up, where was it hiding?
Agent Bork Uh, D.C., Chief.
Jesus Jumped-up-- Bork, can you imagine what would happen if they set that thing off in our Nation's capitol? Or even worse! If they sold it to some damn foreigner at that conference? Well, it's not going to happen!
Take your damn pants with you!
Agent Bork The pants! He's got the unit!
Now wait a minute. I ain't the one...
Now wait just a minute, mister!
ATF Agent Sir take a look at this.
Agent Bork How do you explain this?
What the hell are you talking about?
So, using two innocent teenagers as pawns in your sick game, huh?
Look, I already told you I don't know what the hell this is about.
Hey! Get your damn hands off me! Goddamnit hey damn it You don't know who you're dealing I'm a veteran of two foreign wars! I ain't the one been...
I always thought there was something wrong with him.
Yeah he had a lot of problems.
Hey, does anyone want to see my unit?
