[driving by in his camper trailer]
Something wrong, Officer?
ATF Agent [holds up a picture of Beavis & Butt-head]
Sir, we're looking for these two fugitives.
Well, I'll be danged. That's them two kids that have been whacking in my camper.
ATF Agent You saw these two?
I sure did. Boy, I've never seen two kids do so much damned whacking.
ATF Agent [speaking on his walkie-talkie]
This is post 9; I have positive ID.
Boy, they're just like a couple of little old spider monkeys, I'll tell ya that.
ATF Agent Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you and your wife to step out of the vehicle.
Well now, wait a minute. Me and the Mrs. here are on our way to Washington D.C., and–
ATF Agent [points a gun at Tom Anderson]
NOW!!
Now, wait right there. You're dealing with a veteran of 2 foreign wars. They're the one been whackin'. I find anything broken in there, you and I gonna tangle.
Agent Flemming Masturbating in the man's camper. We're dealing with two sick individuals. I want that camper torn apart, full cavity searches all around. Something tells me he could be involved.
What in the hell--now wait just a minute!
Chief, this just came in. Two days ago, express airways had a disturbance by someone calling himself "Cornholio." Guess who matches the description?
Agent Flemming Finally, a real break. Get me that flash point of origin. We're gonna kick some ass.
[to her husband]
I want you to meet two nice boys. [She introduces Beavis first] This is Travis and Bob. [to Butt-head] And, what's your last name, dear?
Uh, Head. My first name is Butt.
Agent Flemming Agent Flemming, ATF. So, are you gonna tell us where it is or will I have to have Agent Hurly over there give you another cavity search?
Agent Flemming Look, Mrs. Scum, we know who you are. Tell her, Bork.
Dallas Grimmes, married to Muddy Grimmes. you run a mom-and-pop arms smuggling ring.
Mmph. You got my bad side.
Agent Flemming 3 days ago, you pulled a job at the Army Research Facility in Hadley, Nevada, where you stole the X-5 unit. We happen to know you had the unit with you when you checked in here, so why don't you be a good girl and tell us where it is?
You gonna charge me with anything? I didn't think so. You wanna let me go now, or wait till my lawyer files a wrongful arrest?
We got nothing, Chief. We tore the place apart. We can only legally hold her another couple of hours.
Agent Flemming Damn it! Cut her loose. WHERE IS THAT DAMN UNIT?
Uh, do you know where Washington is?
PF Petrified Forest Recording
[Pointing to the desert]
Uh, yeah. About two thousand miles that way.
Agent Flemming Didn't see which way they went. Didn't see their vehicle. I don't suppose you tried to stop them.
PR Park Ranger
The most dangerous guys in America? No, thank you. I make $9.00 an hour.
Agent Flemming National Security is the responsibility of every American. Bork...
Agent Flemming Deep and hard.
Agent Flemming They're not gonna get away this time. I want roadblocks every road out of here for 200 miles.
Hoover Dam Guide Now, can anybody tell me how much energy it takes to power Las Vegas?
Yeah, I just have a question. Um, is this a God dam? You know, god damn. You know?
Hoover Dam Guide If you'll follow me this way.
This is dumb. Let's go find that chick.
Yeah. Enough of this crap. Whoa. Check it out, Butt-head, TV!
M1 Man #1
I gotta hit the head. Can you get me some coffee?
Agent Flemming Talk to me, Bork.
Chief, we found a witness that says he saw 2 teenagers leaving Dallas' room shortly before we arrived.
Agent Flemming Did you give him a full cavity search?
Agent Flemming Yes. You can never be too careful, Bork.
Well, sir, I didn't really think it was necessary. You see, we have a picture of them from the elevator security cam. Here. Have a look.
Agent Flemming What the hell?
They look like a couple of kids, Chief.
Agent Flemming Bork, don't you realize what kids today are capable of? Don't you read the papers? What the...?
[Getting back on the bus]
Wait a minute. We can't leave Washington till we find that chick.
Oh, we're a long way from Washington, Bob. This is the Hoover Dam.
Dam? Heh heh. I'll be damned.
Agent Flemming Do you see what I see, Bork?
I see it. I just don't get it.
Agent Flemming You got half the state looking for you. How do you get away?
Agent Flemming Damn right. Bork, we're dealing with real pros here. My opinion: terrorists. What's the scoop on that stolen unit?
Well, sir, it's not good. Roll the tape. The X-5 unit is a new top-secret biological weapon - a man-made virus, the deadliest known to man. It could wipe out 5 states in 5 days. Here's what happened when it was tested on a group army recruits. Look at these guys, Chief. This thing is a veritable Doomsday device.
Agent Flemming Jesus Jumped-Up Christ! If this were to fall into the wrong hands...
It gets worse. The unit wasn't finished. It has a flaw - the casing. If hit hard enough, it could break open, releasing the virus.
Agent Flemming OK, people, as of right now, these are the most dangerous men in America. I want these faces in front of every fed and 2-bit sheriff within a thousand miles. The orders are dead or alive. Let's just pray that nothing hits that unit.
LI Lady in News
Well, Bob, the news out here is not good. Authorities are calling this the worst highway disaster in the Nation's history. Behind me, over 400 vehicles lay wrecked or stuck.
LI Lady in News
No one knows what caused it, but police have not ruled out...
Agent Flemming Well, I'll be a blue-nosed gopher.
Where did these guys come from?
Agent Flemming The question is, where are they going?
In other news, G-Pac is set to begin at 2 P.M. tomorrow when representatives from around the world...
Agent Flemming What the hell? Bork! That bus we picked up, where was it hiding?
Agent Flemming Jesus Jumped-up-- Bork, can you imagine what would happen if they set that thing off in our Nation's capitol? Or even worse! If they sold it to some damn foreigner at that conference? Well, it's not going to happen!
Agent Flemming Well, look what we have here. You two make me sick. Book 'em, Bork.
You don't have anything on us, and you know it.
Agent Flemming Oh, I don't, huh? How about lewd conduct? Maybe indecent exposure. Here's what's gonna happen. One of you is going to make a deal and get me the unit. The other can spend the next 60 years in jail.
That's where you're wrong, boy. Me and my wife are back together, and you will never...
He stole the unit! Said he put it in some kid's pants.
Why you damn LITTLE FOUR-LEGGED-- HEY! TAKE IT EASY! I'M GONNA RIP YOUR...
Take your damn pants with you!
Agent Flemming Hold your fire.
The pants! He's got the unit!
Agent Flemming Drop the pants, now!
Now wait a minute. I ain't the one...
Now wait just a minute, mister!
ATF Agent Sir take a look at this.
What the hell are you talking about?
Agent Flemming So, using two innocent teenagers as pawns in your sick game, huh?
Look, I already told you I don't know what the hell this is about.
Agent Flemming Take him away.
Hey! Get your damn hands off me! Goddamnit hey damn it You don't know who you're dealing I'm a veteran of two foreign wars! I ain't the one been...
I always thought there was something wrong with him.
Yeah he had a lot of problems.
Hey, does anyone want to see my unit?
