Beavis and Butthead Do America 1996 quotes

Beavis

Hey Butt-head, I'm starting to feel weird, I think I'm freaking out!

Butt-head

Uh?, Okay.

Beavis

This is cool! It's like- everything looks all weird and stuff, there's like all these weird shapes, it's sort of like, it's like... um- it’s like, like a music video! [hallucinates that Butt-head is melting and demons are crawling out of his body] What are you doing Butt-head? Stop it. You're freaking me out, cut it out!
White Zombie’s "Ratfinks, Suicide Tanks and Cannibal Girls" plays as an animated music video with the creatures that Beavis is seeing in his hallucination.

Mötley Crüe Roadie #1 (Butt-head's Dad): [sitting around a camp fire eating beans] Hey, you wanna see somethin' really cool? [farts over camp fire which creates a fiery mushroom cloud]

Beavis

FIRE!

Mötley Crüe Roadie #1 (Butt-head's Dad): Hey, one of you bastards got a match?

Butt-head

Uh, yeah. My butt and your, uh, butt. Uh huh huh.

Agent Bork

They're not on the bus.

Agent Flemming

These people know something. I want full cavity searches--everyone. Go deep on 'em

Agent Bork

Agent Hurly.

Agent Flemming

I tell you, Bork, these guys are smart, damn smart. They're probably a hundred miles away by now.

Shut up! You've been harboring two criminal masterminds.

Agent Bork

Chief, you know that guy whose camper they were whacking off in?

Bork, you're a Federal Agent. You represent the United States government. Never end a sentence with a preposition.

Agent Bork

Oh, uh... You know that guy in whose camper they... I mean, that guy off in whose camper they were whacking?

That's better. Yes?

Agent Bork

We've run a sample through the national criminal sperm bank and come up with 2 possible genetic matches for a father. Former motley crue roadies turned drifters.

Agent Flemming

Well, I'll be a monkey's bare-assed uncle.

Agent Flemming

Well, look what we have here. You two make me sick. Book 'em, Bork.

Dallas Grimmes

You don't have anything on us, and you know it.

Agent Flemming

Oh, I don't, huh? How about lewd conduct? Maybe indecent exposure. Here's what's gonna happen. One of you is going to make a deal and get me the unit. The other can spend the next 60 years in jail.

Muddy Grimmes

That's where you're wrong, boy. Me and my wife are back together, and you will never...

Dallas Grimmes

He stole the unit! Said he put it in some kid's pants.

Muddy Grimmes

Why you damn LITTLE FOUR-LEGGED-- HEY! TAKE IT EASY! I'M GONNA RIP YOUR...

Beavis

Aaaahh! This crap is warm!

Butt-head

Beavis, you butthole, you broke it.

Beavis

Aaah, no! Dammit!

Beavis

Hey Butt-head I'm starting to feel weird, I think I'm freaking out!

Butt-head

Uh?, Okay.

Beavis

This is cool! It's like everything's all weird and stuff, there's like all these weird shapes, it's sort of like, it's like... um like a music video! [hallucinates that Butt-head is melting and demons are crawling out of his body] Woah, what are you doing Butt-head?, stop it you're freaking me out, cut it out!

Beavis

Are you threatening ME?

Beavis

Check it out, Butt-Head, Porta-potties.

Butt-head

Cool. I gotta take a dump. [they go inside confession booths]

Butt-head

Uh... Where's the toilet? [in a church confession booth]

I'm sorry. How many Hail Marys?

Beavis

A thousand. And I want you to hit yourself, right now.

Um, now?

Beavis

Yeah. Do it. [the man hits himself]

Beavis

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Harder.

Beavis

Damn it, this always happens. I think I'm gonna score, and then I never score. It's not fair. We've traveled, um, a hundred miles 'cause we thought we were gonna score. But now it's not gonna happen. Damn it!

Bus Driver

Hey, buddy, sit down.

Beavis

Shut up, ass-wipe! I'm sick and tired of this! We're never gonna score. It's just not gonna happen! We're just gonna get old like these people... but they've probably scored!

Bus Driver

Hey, I'm warning you! SIT DOWN!

Beavis

It's, like, this chick's a slut. And look at this guy. He's old, but he's probably scored a million times!

Old Guy

Oh, yeah.

Beavis

But not us. We're never gonna score! We're never gonna score! We're never gonna score!

Bus Driver

ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT, NUMB-NUTS! ONCE MORE AND I'LL--UNH!

Beavis

KICK YOUR ASS!

Beavis

Hey, Butt-head, are we gonna die?

Butt-head

Uh... Probably.

Beavis

Hey, Butt-head, do you think we're ever going to score?

Butt-head

Uh, I probably will, but not you. You're too much of a butt-monkey.

Beavis

Shut up, dillhole.

Butt-head

Butt dumpling.

Beavis

Turd burglar.

Butt-head

Uhhh... ass goblin.

Beavis

Shut up, Butt-head. Hey, doesn't Tom Anderson live on this street?

Butt-head

Uh, yep.

Beavis

'Cause, um, I just need to stop by his toolshed for a few minutes.

Butt-head

Tool.

Beavis

Boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oing!

Beavis

I am the great Cornholio. I need T.P. for my bunghole.