DV David VanDriessen
You know, this could be really positive experience for you guys. There's a wonderful and exciting world out there when we discover we don't need TV to entertain us.
Butt-head Uh-huh huh huh! He said "anus"!
"Entert-ain us", "ainus". Oh yeah! *laughs*
DV David VanDriessen
*sigh* Have you guys heard a word I've said?
Butt-head Uhhh, yeah! Anus! *laughs*
Yeah! I heard it too! *laughs*
DV David VanDriessen
You know, this could be a real positive experience for you guys. There's a wonderful and exciting world out there when we discover that we don't need TV to entertain us.
Butt-head Huh huh huh. He said, "Anus."
Entertain us, anus. Oh, yeah.
DV David VanDriessen
Have you guys heard a word I've said?
Butt-head Uh, yeah. Anus.
[chuckling]
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I heard it, too.
DV David VanDriessen
Look, guys, just take the TV back to the AV room right now. And try to be a little more open to life's experiences, okay?
Butt-head What a dork.
Butt-head [Beavis and Butt-Head roll the TV out of the school, it falls down the stairs and breaks]
That was cool. Huh huh huh.
Butt-head Uh, oh, yeah.
Well, I'm gonna enjoy this. Any last words before I kill you?
Butt-head I have a couple. Butt cheeks.
Yeah, yeah. And, uh, and boobs. I just wanna say that again: boobs.
I'm gonna blow ya both to hell, that's what I'm gonna do!
Butt-head Cool. Whoa. Hey, Beavis, that's that dude who's paying us to do his wife.
Yeah, yeah. Um, can you just take us to Washington? We're gonna meet her there and, you know, um... heh heh. You know.
Washington? That's where she's gonna meet up with you? You know, I just might need you boys, after all. All right. Get in the trunk. Both of you. NOW!!
Butt-head Boy, it sure is hard to score.
Concierge [leading Beavis and Butt-head into their room]
I'm sorry about that little misunderstanding, gentlemen. We didn't realize you were registered guests. If there's anything we can do to...
[sees TV and remote attached to table, tries to lift it]
Damn it. This thing is stuck.
Concierge Sir, it's attached to the...
Butt-head You dumb-ass, let me try.
[stops]
Hey, check it out. That guy's still standing there. [Concierge holds out hand, expecting tip]
Butt-head Uhh, could you, like, not stand there and stuff? [as soon as concierge leaves] Some people are dumb.
Butt-head Uhh, check it out, Beavis. I wonder where this goes. Uh... Whoa. I think I hear a chick.
[Grabs Beavis and Butthead and holds a gun on them]
Alright who are you? CIA? FBI? ATF?
Butt-head Whoa! Uh, huh huh hey baby are we like, going to do it? Uh,huh,huh huh.
[**** the gun]
You got two seconds!
Butt-head Uh, is that going to be enough time?
[grabs him and pulls him up to her]
Who sent you?
Butt-head Uh, this drunk dude, he said he was going to pay us to do you?
Yeah, yeah, heh, heh, yeah! [laughs]
Muddy, son of a bitch! Hold it. What's he paying you?
Butt-head Uh... 10, uh... [Dallas Grimmes mistakes Beavis and Butt-head for hit men who are hunting her]
Dallas Grimmes 10 grand? [scoffs] Oh, that cheap ass. All right, I've got a better deal for you. I'll double it. I'll pay you 20 if you go back there and do him.
Butt-head You want us to do a guy? No way.
I don't know, Butt-Head. That is a lot of money. Maybe if we close our eyes and pretend he's a chick.
Oh, hello, there. Are you two heading for Las Vegas?
Oh, well, I hope to score big there, myself. I'm mostly gonna be doing the slots.
Yeah, yeah. I'm hoping to do some sluts, too. Yeah. Do they have a lot of sluts in Las Vegas?
Oh, there are so many slots, you won't know where to begin.
Whoa. Hey, Butt-Head, this chick is pretty cool. She says there's gonna be tons of sluts in Las Vegas.
Butt-head Cool.
It's so nice to meet young men who are so well-mannered.
Yeah. I'm gonna have money and a big screen TV and there's gonna be sluts everywhere. It's gonna rule.
I'm probably going to make out with her first before we, uh... you know, heh heh, get down.
I'm sorry. You have to speak up, son. I have this ringing in my ears. My doctor says it could be related to my heart palpitations.
Oh. Maybe you're lactose intolerant.
I mean... No, no. I poop too much! And then I get tired.
Tired? Oh, well, I know all about tired, dear. I have just the thing for ya. Here, take a couple of these. They perk me right up.
Thanks. Tastes like crap. What else ya got?
Oh, go right ahead. Help yourself.
Butt-head So, uh, huh huh... goin' to Las Vegas?
G Girl
Hi. We're serving dinner now. Our selections tonight are chicken piccata or seafood gumbo.
Excuse me? Does the gumbo have corn in it?
I am Cornholio. I need piccata for my bung-hole.
G Girl
You'll have to wait your turn, sir.
Are you threatening me? My bung-hole will not wait. Bungholio.
Butt-head Uh, hey, I got a beer. Want some?
P Pilot
Get the hell out of the cockpit!
Butt-head Huh huh, you said...
Butt-head [finds a switch in Hoover Dam labeled "Master Station Control" and tries to read it]
Uh, Master-a... Masturbation Control? [flicks the switch several times, making the lights in Las Vegas turn on and off]
Butt-head Hey, Beavis, check it out! I'm masturbating.
[to her husband]
I want you to meet two nice boys. [She introduces Beavis first] This is Travis and Bob. [to Butt-head] And, what's your last name, dear?
Butt-head Uh, Head. My first name is Butt.
Agent Flemming, ATF. So, are you gonna tell us where it is or will I have to have Agent Hurly over there give you another cavity search?
Look, Mrs. Scum, we know who you are. Tell her, Bork.
Dallas Grimmes, married to Muddy Grimmes. you run a mom-and-pop arms smuggling ring.
Mmph. You got my bad side.
3 days ago, you pulled a job at the Army Research Facility in Hadley, Nevada, where you stole the X-5 unit. We happen to know you had the unit with you when you checked in here, so why don't you be a good girl and tell us where it is?
You gonna charge me with anything? I didn't think so. You wanna let me go now, or wait till my lawyer files a wrongful arrest?
We got nothing, Chief. We tore the place apart. We can only legally hold her another couple of hours.
Damn it! Cut her loose. WHERE IS THAT DAMN UNIT?
Check it out, Butt-Head, Porta-potties.
Butt-head Cool. I gotta take a dump. [they go inside confession booths]
Butt-head Uh... Where's the toilet? [in a church confession booth]
I'm sorry. How many Hail Marys?
A thousand. And I want you to hit yourself, right now.
Yeah. Do it. [the man hits himself]
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Harder.
Butt-head [Butthead dreams that he's a giant and grabs a woman from a building]
Uh, hey baby, I'm like pretty tall, uh huh huh huh [a helicopter shoots at him] Damnit cut it out, I'm trying to score! [Punches it]
[Arriving at the Hoover Dam]
We're in Washington.
Butt-head' Yeah, yeah, we're gonna score.
Actually, son, we're at the Hoover Dam.
No, no. We're in WASHINGTON!
Butt-head Yeah. WE'RE GONNA SCORE NOW!
[starting to hallucinate]
Hey Butt-head I'm starting to feel weird, I think I'm freaking out!
Butt-head Uh?, Okay.
This is cool! It's like everything's all weird and stuff, there's like all these weird shapes, it's sort of like, it's like... um like a music video! [hallucinates that Butt-head is melting and demons are crawling out of his body] Woah, what are you doing Butt-head?, stop it you're freaking me out, cut it out!
Butt-head [noticing the open door, the stolen T.V., and the broken window]
Whoa. I think just figured something out, Beavis.
Butt-head This sucks.
Butt-head This sucks more than anything that's ever sucked before. We must find this butt-hole that took our TV.
Hey, Butt-head, do you think we're ever going to score?
Butt-head Uh, I probably will, but not you. You're too much of a butt-monkey.
Butt-head Butt dumpling.
Butt-head Uhhh... ass goblin.
Shut up, Butt-head. Hey, doesn't Tom Anderson live on this street?
Butt-head Uh, yep.
'Cause, um, I just need to stop by his toolshed for a few minutes.
Butt-head [giggles]
Tool.
Butt-head Uh, do you know where Washington is?
PF Petrified Forest Recording
[Pointing to the desert]
Uh, yeah. About two thousand miles that way.
Didn't see which way they went. Didn't see their vehicle. I don't suppose you tried to stop them.
PR Park Ranger
The most dangerous guys in America? No, thank you. I make $9.00 an hour.
National Security is the responsibility of every American. Bork...
They're not gonna get away this time. I want roadblocks every road out of here for 200 miles.
BC Bill Clinton
In recognition of your great service, I'm appointing you honorary agents in the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms.
Butt-head Whoa. Alcohol and tobacco?
Yeah. And firearms! Yeah.
BC Bill Clinton
Cool, huh?
Butt-head Cigarettes and beer kick ass.
Yeah, yeah. We're in the bureau of beer and fire and cigarettes. And maybe some chicks, too.
Hoover Dam Guide Now, can anybody tell me how much energy it takes to power Las Vegas?
Yeah, I just have a question. Um, is this a God dam? You know, god damn. You know?
Hoover Dam Guide If you'll follow me this way.
Butt-head This is dumb. Let's go find that chick.
Yeah. Enough of this crap. Whoa. Check it out, Butt-head, TV!
Butt-head Cool.
M1 Man #1
I gotta hit the head. Can you get me some coffee?
Chief, we found a witness that says he saw 2 teenagers leaving Dallas' room shortly before we arrived.
Did you give him a full cavity search?
Yes. You can never be too careful, Bork.
Well, sir, I didn't really think it was necessary. You see, we have a picture of them from the elevator security cam. Here. Have a look.
They look like a couple of kids, Chief.
Bork, don't you realize what kids today are capable of? Don't you read the papers? What the...?
Butt-head All they have is these shows about water.
Yeah, really. Maybe need some shows about fire.
Butt-head What are you doing, Beavis?
Something's wrong with my butt.
Butt-head Your butt sucks.
Hey, how come there's no sound?
Butt-head I'll fix it.
Butt-head [Getting back on the bus]
Wait a minute. We can't leave Washington till we find that chick.
Oh, we're a long way from Washington, Bob. This is the Hoover Dam.
Dam? Heh heh. I'll be damned.
Do you see what I see, Bork?
I see it. I just don't get it.
You got half the state looking for you. How do you get away?
Damn right. Bork, we're dealing with real pros here. My opinion: terrorists. What's the scoop on that stolen unit?
Well, sir, it's not good. Roll the tape. The X-5 unit is a new top-secret biological weapon - a man-made virus, the deadliest known to man. It could wipe out 5 states in 5 days. Here's what happened when it was tested on a group army recruits. Look at these guys, Chief. This thing is a veritable Doomsday device.
Jesus Jumped-Up Christ! If this were to fall into the wrong hands...
It gets worse. The unit wasn't finished. It has a flaw - the casing. If hit hard enough, it could break open, releasing the virus.
OK, people, as of right now, these are the most dangerous men in America. I want these faces in front of every fed and 2-bit sheriff within a thousand miles. The orders are dead or alive. Let's just pray that nothing hits that unit.
Butt-head Really? Did we miss Baywatch?
[after Beavis and Butt-head enter the motel room]
Man, Earl said you guys were young, but, jeez. Oh, well. As long as you can get the job done. What are your names?
Butt-head Uh, Butt-head.
Well, that's all right. I'd rather not know your real names, anyway. Mine's Muddy. Now, look, I'm gonna get right to the point. I'll pay you 10 grand plus expenses, all payable after you do her.
Butt-head Uh, do her?
That's right, do her. I'm offering you $10,000 plus expenses to do my wife. We got a deal?
Actually, we just want to watch TV.
Butt-head Shut up, Beavis. Uh... Yeah, we'll do your wife.
Butt-head [slaps Beavis]
Damn it, Beavis, you butt-munch. This guy wants us to score with his wife, and he's gonna pay us. We can buy a new TV.
Butt-head Uh, we'll do it, sir.
Well, all right, then. Let's get down to business. [showing a photo of Dallas] Here she is, boys. Her name's Dallas. She ain't as sweet as she looks. She stole everything from me. You gotta watch out, 'cause she'll do you twice as fast as you'd do her.
Butt-head Whoa. Uh huh huh huh. Cool.
She's holed up in her room in Las Vegas. I got you a room right next to hers. Your flight leaves in an hour. Come on. I'll drive you to the airport.
Now, you listen to me, and this is real important. My wife's got this leather satchel. It's a black bag about this big. I need you to bring it back, boys. Sentimental value, you know what I mean? Any questions so far?
Butt-head Uh, does she have big hooters?
Heh heh. Yeah, she sure does. Ha ha...
Butt-head This is gonna be cool.
Y-Y-Yeah. Boi-oi-oi-oing.
Heh heh heh... Hey, you guys are funny. Let's have a drink on it, eh? Now, don't let me down.
RA Ranger at Old Faithful
There are over 200 active geysers in Yellowstone Park. Old Faithful here is one of the largest. During an eruption, the geyser can reach as high as 200 feet.
Butt-head So?
RA Ranger at Old Faithful
The - the geyser shoots out over 12,000 gallons in a single eruption.
That's not that much, really.
Butt-head Yeah, really. Let's get out of here. Uh-huh-huh-huh.
Take your damn pants with you!
The pants! He's got the unit!
Now wait a minute. I ain't the one...
Butt-Head Here you go.
Now wait just a minute, mister!
ATF Agent Sir take a look at this.
What the hell are you talking about?
So, using two innocent teenagers as pawns in your sick game, huh?
Look, I already told you I don't know what the hell this is about.
Hey! Get your damn hands off me! Goddamnit hey damn it You don't know who you're dealing I'm a veteran of two foreign wars! I ain't the one been...
I always thought there was something wrong with him.
Butt-Head Yeah he had a lot of problems.
Butt-Head Hey, does anyone want to see my unit?
[starting to hallucinate after taking a bite of a peyote cactus]
Hey Butt-head, I'm starting to feel weird, I think I'm freaking out!
Butt-head Uh?, Okay.
This is cool! It's like- everything looks all weird and stuff, there's like all these weird shapes, it's sort of like, it's like... um- it’s like, like a music video! [hallucinates that Butt-head is melting and demons are crawling out of his body] What are you doing Butt-head? Stop it. You're freaking me out, cut it out!
White Zombie’s "Ratfinks, Suicide Tanks and Cannibal Girls" plays as an animated music video with the creatures that Beavis is seeing in his hallucination.
