Ed Helms movie quotes

View Quote Captain Underpants: How many A’s are there in "Tra-la-la"? [Professor Poopypants: What?] I will just go with eleven.

View Quote Captain Underpants: Now, this is how you run a school!

View Quote Captain Underpants: Now, I take to the sky like an ostrich!

View Quote [closing How Bad Can I Be] All the customers are buying, and the money's multiplying, and the PR people are lying, [A Thneed is thrown on the Lorax as a picture is taken. A billboard featuring the picture reads "Lorax Approved"] and the lawyers are denying. Who cares if a few trees are dying? This is all so gratifying! How bad, how bad can this possibly be?!

View Quote [To Ted; referring to the last Truffula seed] Change the way things are. I know it may seem small and insignificant, but it's not about what it is, it's about what it can become. That's not just a seed... any more than you're just a boy.

View Quote Little did I know that by chopping down that tree I had just summoned a mystical creature as old as time itself. The legendary, slightly annoying guardian of the forest. The Lorax.

View Quote Alan: I like to say somethin' that I prepared tonight.
Stu: All right, Alan.
Alan: [extracts a sheet of paper; presents his speech] Hello. How 'bout that ride in? I guess that's why they call it Sin City. You guys might not know this, but I consider myself a bit of a loner. I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack. But when my sister brought Doug home, I knew he was one of my own. And my wolf pack, it grew by one. So, there were two of us in the wolf pack. I was alone first in the pack, and then Doug joined in later. And six months ago, when Doug introduced me to you guys, I thought, "Wait a second, could it be?" And now I know for sure, I just added two more guys to my wolf pack. Four of us wolves, running around the desert together, in Las Vegas, looking for strippers and cocaine. So tonight, I make a toast! [pulls out a pocket knife]
Stu: What?!
Doug: Whattaya got there?
[Alan tries to cut his palm, to the others' shock]
Phil: What the ****?!
Doug What are you doin'?!
[Alan groans in pain]
Stu: What is that?!
Alan: Blood brothers.

View Quote Phil: All right. We got the money. 80 grand cash.
Chow: Throw it over! Then I give you Doug.
Stu: I'm sorry. First of all, good morning. We didn't catch your name last night.
Chow: Mr. Chow. Leslie Chow.
Stu: Mr. Chow, it is a pleasure. My name is Stu. And we would very much appreciate an opportunity to see Doug before we give you the money, to verify that he's okay, if that's cool.
Chow: Of course, Stu. That is cool. [claps hands, and a man with a bag on his head is brought out of the car]
Stu: [relieved] Oh. Okay.
Chow: See? He fine. Now, gimme money, or I shoot him, and I shoot all you mother****ers! And then we take it! Your choice, bitches!

View Quote Melissa: I called that bed and breakfast in Napa. They said they had no record of you even checking in.
Stu: That's 'cause we didn't go to Napa.
Melissa: Stu, what the **** is going on?
Stu: We went to Las Vegas.
Melissa: Oh, really? Las Vegas? Why would you go to Las Vegas?
Stu: 'Cause my best friend was getting married, and that's what guys do.
Melissa: Uh-huh?
Stu: Yeah.
Melissa: That's not what you do.
Stu: Really? Well, then, why did I do it?! Huh?! 'Cause I did it! Riddle me that! Why'd I do it?! You know, sometimes I think all you want me to do is what you want me to do. Well, I'm sick of doing what you want me to do all the time. I think, in a healthy relationship, sometimes a guy should be able to do what he wants to do.
Melissa: That is not how this works!
Stu: Oh, good! Because whatever this is ain't workin' for me!
Melissa: Oh, really?
Stu: Yeah!
Melissa: Since when?!
Stu: Since you **** that waiter on your cruise last June! BOOM!!!
Alan: You told me it was a bartender.
Stu: Oh. You're right. I stand corrected. It was a bartender. You **** a bartender.
Melissa: You're an idiot.
Stu: You're a-- You... [struggles] You're... such a bad person! Like, all the way through to your core!

View Quote [Stu and Chow disarming the security system]
Chow: On 3 cut the grey wire.
Stu: Wait! Wait! Wait! I don't have grey wire, I have red, green and yellow.
Chow: That's wired I have light grey, medium grey and dark grey.
Stu: You do?
Chow: Mother****er! My bad, I am color blind.

View Quote [from trailer]
Chico: Where is he? Leslie Chow stole $21,000,000 from me, and I figure the wolfpack have the best chance of finding him! Doug is my insurance!
[Doug is taken away] Alan: Can't you take Stu instead?
Stu: **** you, Alan!

View Quote Chow: You miss me?
Phil: So much.
Stu: We rove you, Chow.

View Quote Brad: Although you are forgetting one thing.
David: What?
Brad: You don't have a **** choice.
[David and Kenny are hanging out on steps of their building]
Kenny: So, now you gotta be an even bigger drug dealer?
David: Drug smuggler, Kenny, there's a difference.
Kenny: Well, you know you probably gonna get searched at the border, I mean, no offence, but you look like a total drug dealer.
David: No shit. Thanks dude.
Kenny: You could wear a disguise.
David: What?
Kenny: A disguise.
David: Okay, thats what I thought you said. So, a disguise, so what I should dress like, I dont know, whats hot this halloween these days. Maybe I could wear a mask like Bane, from Batman something like that on some of my **** face. [Puts on Bane voice and hand up to mouth] "Oh there's no drugs in here, you have nothing to worry about"; Yeah, good idea.
RV driver: Hey, pardon me, sure hate to bug you fellows but I'm trying to get the fam off to the zoo and I'm all lost so if you could help..
David: Yeah, **** off real life Flanders.
[Police officer tells RV driver that there is no parking here and gives RV driver directions and David has an epiphany]
David: Holy **** shit! Thank you dick heads!

View Quote Brad: So, where’s my money, David?
David Clark: Come on, man. We go back.
Brad: Here’s the thing: We do go back. But it’s not college anymore, okay? We’re not just selling lids out of my dorm room. And you owe me $43,000.
David Clark: I told you, I got robbed, Brad. They took everything I had, man. This week’s drop, 22 grand of my own money that I’d saved, I’m ****.
Brad: Listen, this is a **** up situation, but I might have a win-win for both of us.
David Clark: Great.
Brad: I have a smidge of very choice mari-ju-ana down in Mexico and I need it here by Sunday night, but my regular courier is out on a count of the fact that he got gunned down. Anyway, that’s where you come in. You could be my mule. I need someone I can trust. You go down to Mexico, bring it back here by Sunday night, not only will I forgive your debt, I will pay you a standard courier fee of $100,000.
David Clark: You’re gonna give me 100 grand to move a smidge across the border?
Brad: Smidge and a half. It's nothing.
David Clark: Dude, I got rolled by the **** cast of Annie. Now I come walking in here you’re asking me to become an international drug dealer.
Brad: This is easy money, David. Come on, all you gotta do is pop down to Mexico, go to this address and tell them you're there to pick up for Pablo Chacon.
David Clark: Who the **** is Pablo Chacon?
Brad: I am. Yo soy Pablo Chacon. You don’t get a lot of respect from the Mexicans when your name is Brad Gurdlinger, right?

View Quote David Clark: (on the phone, to Brad) Oh, hello, Brad. Where the **** have you been? I left you like 5 messages, man!
Brad: David! You’re alive! Cool! How did that happen?
David: Why don’t you ask the real Pablo Chacon how it happened?
Brad: I’m not gonna make excuses. It was kind of a dick move. A little bit.
David: A dick move? A dick move!
Brad: Little bit of a dick move.
David: Okay, well, tell you what. I’m not driving another ****in’ mile, all right? I want some goddamn hazard pay from your ass. Otherwise, I’m gonna turn around and get this smidge of pot back to Chacon, along with your **** address. Do you understand me?
Brad: It actually sounds like you’re threatening to double-cross me.
David: **** right I am!
Brad: And I’m kind of turned on right now. You make a good case for hazard pay. How much you want?
David: How much? Oh, I don’t know, I’m thinking half a million dollars. How about that?
Brad: Done.
David: ****in’ right it’s done. Good.
Brad: But I need it here by tonight or the deal is off.
David: Okay. No problem. That’s fine with me.
Brad: Where the hell are you anyway?
David: We’re at the Corrales Regional Medical Center in the middle of Butt****, New Mexico.
Brad: Why?
David Clark: Why? Why?! Because this goddamn Kenny kid got his **** nuts bit by a giant-ass spider, that’s why!
Brad: That is amazing. Will you let me know if he develops any superpowers? Listen, man, giddyup, okay? Tick-tock.