Alan I want you to know, Doug, I'm a steel trap. Whatever happens tonight, I will never, ever, ever speak a word of it.
Okay. I got it. Thank you. I don't think that...
Alan Seriously. I don't care what happens. I don't care if we kill someone.
What?
Alan You heard me. It's Sin City. I won't tell a soul.
Okay. I got it. Thank you.
Alan No, thank you. [the two future in-laws embrace] I love you so much.
Alan I like to say somethin' that I prepared tonight.
All right, Alan.
Alan Hello. How 'bout that ride in? I guess that's why they call it Sin City. You guys might not know this, but I consider myself a bit of a loner. I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack. But when my sister brought Doug home, I knew he was one of my own. And my wolf pack, it grew by one. So, there were two of us in the wolf pack. I was alone first in the pack, and then Doug joined in later. And six months ago, when Doug introduced me to you guys, I thought, "Wait a second, could it be?" And now I know for sure, I just added two more guys to my wolf pack. Four of us wolves, running around the desert together, in Las Vegas, looking for strippers and cocaine. So tonight, I make a toast! [pulls out a pocket knife]
What?!
Whattaya got there?
Alan Blood brothers.
Alan Wearin' what?
The man purse. You actually gonna wear that, or you guys just ****in' with me?
Alan It's where I keep all my things. Get a lot of compliments on this. Plus it's not a man purse. It's called a satchel. Indiana Jones wears one.
So does Joy Behar.
Alan Guys. Guys. What about the tiger? What if he got out?
Oh, ****! I keep forgetting about the goddamn tiger! How the **** did he get in there?
I don't know, because I don't remember.
Shh! Stu! Stu, keep it down.
Alan One of the side-effects of roofies is memory loss.
You are literally too stupid to insult.
I called that bed and breakfast in Napa. They said they had no record of you even checking in.
That's 'cause we didn't go to Napa.
Stu, what the **** is going on?
We went to Las Vegas.
Oh, really? Las Vegas? Why would you go to Las Vegas?
'Cause my best friend was getting married, and that's what guys do.
Uh-huh?
Yeah.
That's not what you do.
Really? Well, then, why did I do it?! Huh?! 'Cause I did it! Riddle me that! Why'd I do it?! You know, sometimes I think all you want me to do is what you want me to do. Well, I'm sick of doing what you want me to do all the time. I think, in a healthy relationship, sometimes a guy should be able to do what he wants to do.
That is not how this works!
Oh, good! Because whatever this is ain't workin' for me!
Oh, really?
Yeah!
Since when?!
Since you **** that waiter on your cruise last June! BOOM!!!
Alan You told me it was a bartender.
Oh. You're right. I stand corrected. It was a bartender. You **** a bartender.
You're an idiot.
You're a-- You... [struggles] You're... such a bad person! Like, all the way through to your core!
