Zach Galifianakis movie quotes

View Quote Grand Councilwoman: Do not let the Earthlings discover your mission, or I will be forced to intervene.
Pleakley: This is a dream vacay. I have so much packing to do!
Jumba: Well, well, well, 626. What hideous, pathetic planet is caught in your crosshairs?

View Quote Jumba: [trapping Pleakley in the janitor's closet, after the Grand Councilwoman cancels their deal for failing to catch Stitch] It's time to do this my way.

View Quote Jumba: [to Lilo; frustrated about her caring for Stitch] Why don't you just admit that your little friend is a dangerous, freakish monster?!
Stitch: [as Lilo presses the correct button, freeing him] Also cute and fluffy!

View Quote Are those new boots? [Puss: No! They are the same boots I wore when you betrayed me.] Be-betrayed you? You left me cracked in pieces on a bridge, surrounded by soldiers! They wrote a song about it!

View Quote I'm sorry, Puss. I made a mess out of everything. I'm a rotten egg. I'm not a person, I'm not a bird, I'm not even a food. I don't know what I am.

View Quote [Last words before his death] Puss, you have to save the baby or the mama will destroy San Ricardo. It’s the right thing to do. [Puss: I will not let you go, Humpty.] I know you won’t. So I won’t make you choose.

View Quote Hi, Insert-Registered-Name! I am your… your… your…

View Quote I am Insert-Registered-Name's best friend out of my box.

View Quote Please slap my hand to show we are bonding.

View Quote Joker: I've got a surprise for you guys! And it's gonna make you smile!
Batman: Uh-oh! His smile is our grimace!

View Quote
(At Joker Manor...) Joker: Hi, Bats!
Batman: What have you done to my...Bruce Wayne's house? You better hope there's a cool guy and doesn't go crazy.
Joker: What happened to all your friends?
Batman: I don't need friends! I don't need anyone to stop you!
Joker: Are you sure about that? Look in the mirror, Batman. When I saw you working with your friend-family, I actually thought you changed. But no, you pushed them away. You've ran away from every person in your life, but I'm the one you're always chasing!
Batman: Is this about that stupid "greatest enemy" thing?
Joker: No, it's not. (The lights turn on and show every villain from the Phantom Zone.) Not anymore.
Villain #1: You tell 'im, Joker!
Shark: It's time for a fresh start!
Daleks: He's not worth it!
Joker: I think after 78 years, I deserve respect!
Harley: That is right; respect!
Joker: Do you realize that you have never once said the words, "I hate you, Joker"?
Harley: Not once!
Batman: Well, I am starting to feel pretty annoyed with you right now, that's for darn sure.
Joker: Annoyed is not the same thing! Listen, Batman. I hate you.
Villains: Aww!
Villain #2: That's nice.
Joker: Now you say it.
Batman: Me, too.
(The villains all exclaim in disappointment.)
Joker: You won't... You won't change, because you can't. You won't and you can't.
Villain #3: Batman will never say it!
Harley: You know what, Booboo, just shut it down.
Joker: These disease lunatics are right.
Voldemort: Yes, we are.
Joker: I'm not gonna be part of a one-sided relationship any longer!
Harley: Yes!
Batman: What are you talking about?
Joker: You and I are done.
Batman: What is wrong with you?
Joker: I'm moving on!
Batman: That's ridiculous.
Joker: And on my way out, I'm gonna blow up Gotham City!
Batman: No, you're not serious.
Voldemort: Wingardium Leviosa! (He uses his levatation spell on Batman to turn him back to Joker.)
Joker: You know what for once, Batman, you're right. I'm not your greatest enemy; your greatest enemy... (He pulls out the Phantom Zone projector.) ...is you. Goodbye, Batman.
Batman: Wait a minute, hold on a second!
(He sends him to the Phantom Zone, as Batman exclaims.)
Harley: Good for you, Booboo!
(The others cheer.)

View Quote
(In the Phantom Zone after seeing Batman's videos)
Phyllis: Huh. You're not a traditional bad guy, but you're not exactly a good guy, either. You even abandoned your friends.
Batman: What? (sees the video of Batman sending his friends away) Abandoned? No. No, I was trying to protect them.
Phyllis: By pushing them away?
Batman: Well, yeah.
Phyllis: Are they really the ones you are protecting?
Batgirl: Computer, Batman's in danger!
Robin: Please, computer! Take us back!
Batgirl: Do you really want the man who made you to come to harm?
Computer: Batman programmed me to obey him, but he didn't say to not not rescue him. (begins to turn around)
Batman: What are they doing?
Joker: (back at Joker Manor) Come on, guys. Let's hustle. Gotham City's not going to blow itself up. (sees Batgirl, Robin and Alfred flying towards them) Well, hello!
Batgirl: (flies to the cliffside) Computer, go to super-secret stealth mode. (King Kong grabs the ship and rips it apart) Hold on!
Batman: No!
Joker: Evil buddies, those are my last three painful reminders of Batman!
Batgirl: [crash lands the ship and they run) Run! Come on, Alfred! This way!
Batman: Wait, where's Dick?
Phyllis: The little guy? He's over there. (points to Dick in the Batcave)
Computer: Initializing Batman operating system.
Batman: What's he doing?
Robin: I've gotta save my family! Just think. What would Batman do?
Batman: What?
Robin: I know. Not listen to anyone else. (pushes button, opens the wardrobe, takes a costume and swings to one of Batman's vehicles) Be mean to people. Destroy as much property as possible. Talk in a really low, gravelly voice. (puts on a mask and talks really low) And go in alone!
Batman: Kid, don't do that!
Computer: (as Robin randomly pushes buttons on Batman's vehicle) Atomic batteries to power. Turbines to speed.
Batman: Don't do what I would do! (Robin drives away) I never even taught you how to drive! Hold on a second, Brick Lady. (stammers) I'm so sorry. I need to get down there and stop this.
Phyllis: I can't let you go. My boss will be really mad at me.
Batman: Yeah. But I bet your boss would be happy if you were able to get all those bad guys back in here.
Phyllis: Hm. She sure would.
Batman: Then let me try. Let me get down there and help them.
Phyllis: But haven't you tried that before?
Batgirl: This way, Alfred! (dodges King Kong's attack)
Phyllis: You do the same thing over and over. (Alfred and Batgirl fall into one of the villains' traps) What's gonna change?
Alfred: (Alfred and Batgirl are surrounded) No!
Batman: I know what I need to do. Just give me 24 hours and I'll come back. (Robin drives out of the Joker Manor) You gotta let me go down there and save them. (Robin drives the vehicle uncontrollably) I'll do whatever you want. (Batgirl is about to be eaten by King Kong) Please.
Robot: (about to kill Alfred) Exterminate!
Batman: Please!
Phyllis: Okay, but I need all the bad guys locked up in here.
Batman: I promise!
Phyllis: (Robin drives towards King Kong) And I mean all of them.

View Quote When a monkey nibbles on a penis, it's funny in any language.

View Quote Stu: There's a demon in me.
Alan: It's true, he has semen in him.

View Quote Stu: Oh my God! We kidnapped a monk!
Alan: We live an alternative lifestyle.

View Quote Alan: I like to say somethin' that I prepared tonight.
Stu: All right, Alan.
Alan: [extracts a sheet of paper; presents his speech] Hello. How 'bout that ride in? I guess that's why they call it Sin City. You guys might not know this, but I consider myself a bit of a loner. I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack. But when my sister brought Doug home, I knew he was one of my own. And my wolf pack, it grew by one. So, there were two of us in the wolf pack. I was alone first in the pack, and then Doug joined in later. And six months ago, when Doug introduced me to you guys, I thought, "Wait a second, could it be?" And now I know for sure, I just added two more guys to my wolf pack. Four of us wolves, running around the desert together, in Las Vegas, looking for strippers and cocaine. So tonight, I make a toast! [pulls out a pocket knife]
Stu: What?!
Doug: Whattaya got there?
[Alan tries to cut his palm, to the others' shock]
Phil: What the ****?!
Doug What are you doin'?!
[Alan groans in pain]
Stu: What is that?!
Alan: Blood brothers.

View Quote Phil: [sees Alan with his new satchel] You're not really wearin' that, are you?
Alan: Wearin' what?
Phil: The man purse. You actually gonna wear that, or you guys just ****in' with me?
Alan: It's where I keep all my things. Get a lot of compliments on this. Plus it's not a man purse. It's called a satchel. Indiana Jones wears one.
Phil: So does Joy Behar.

View Quote Melissa: I called that bed and breakfast in Napa. They said they had no record of you even checking in.
Stu: That's 'cause we didn't go to Napa.
Melissa: Stu, what the **** is going on?
Stu: We went to Las Vegas.
Melissa: Oh, really? Las Vegas? Why would you go to Las Vegas?
Stu: 'Cause my best friend was getting married, and that's what guys do.
Melissa: Uh-huh?
Stu: Yeah.
Melissa: That's not what you do.
Stu: Really? Well, then, why did I do it?! Huh?! 'Cause I did it! Riddle me that! Why'd I do it?! You know, sometimes I think all you want me to do is what you want me to do. Well, I'm sick of doing what you want me to do all the time. I think, in a healthy relationship, sometimes a guy should be able to do what he wants to do.
Melissa: That is not how this works!
Stu: Oh, good! Because whatever this is ain't workin' for me!
Melissa: Oh, really?
Stu: Yeah!
Melissa: Since when?!
Stu: Since you **** that waiter on your cruise last June! BOOM!!!
Alan: You told me it was a bartender.
Stu: Oh. You're right. I stand corrected. It was a bartender. You **** a bartender.
Melissa: You're an idiot.
Stu: You're a-- You... [struggles] You're... such a bad person! Like, all the way through to your core!

View Quote [from trailer]
Alan: We can't be friends anymore. When we get together, bad things happen and people get hurt.
Mr. Chow: Yeah, but that's the point! It's funny!

View Quote [Phil asks Alan to give his phone]
Phil: Alan, what's the password?
Alan: Hey Phil, that's it.
Phil: What?
Alan: My password 'Hey Phil'.

View Quote [from trailer]
Alan: My name's Alan and I bought a giraffe! Oh, my life is perfect!
[causes a car crash]

View Quote Do you even know how to drive an automatic?

View Quote Now that you aren't married anymore...can I get her number...(pause)..ok maybe later