Phil Tracy, it's Phil.
T Tracy
Phil, where the hell are you guys? I'm freaking out.
Phil Yeah, listen. Uh... we **** up.
T Tracy
What are you talking about?
Phil The bachelor party-- The whole night-- Things got outta control, and, uh…we lost Doug.
Phil We can't find Doug.
T Tracy
What are you saying, Phil? We're getting married in five hours!
Phil Yeah. That's not gonna happen.
Oh, yeah. Told her we're two hours outside of wine country, and she bought it.
Phil Don't you think it's strange that you've been in a relationship for three years, and you still have to lie about going to Vegas?
Yeah, I do. But trust me, it's not worth the fight.
Phil Oh, so you can't go to Vegas, but she can **** a bellhop on a Carnival Cruise Line?
Okay. First of all, he was a bartender. And she was wasted. And, if you must know, he didn't even come inside her.
Phil And you believe that?
Uh, yeah, I do believe that, because she's grossed out by seamen.
I like to say somethin' that I prepared tonight.
[extracts a sheet of paper; presents his speech]
Hello. How 'bout that ride in? I guess that's why they call it Sin City. You guys might not know this, but I consider myself a bit of a loner. I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack. But when my sister brought Doug home, I knew he was one of my own. And my wolf pack, it grew by one. So, there were two of us in the wolf pack. I was alone first in the pack, and then Doug joined in later. And six months ago, when Doug introduced me to you guys, I thought, "Wait a second, could it be?" And now I know for sure, I just added two more guys to my wolf pack. Four of us wolves, running around the desert together, in Las Vegas, looking for strippers and cocaine. So tonight, I make a toast! [pulls out a pocket knife]
Phil [Alan tries to cut his palm, to the others' shock]
What the ****?!
Doug What are you doin'?!
[Alan groans in pain]
What is that?!
Phil [sees Alan with his new satchel]
You're not really wearin' that, are you?
Phil The man purse. You actually gonna wear that, or you guys just ****in' with me?
It's where I keep all my things. Get a lot of compliments on this. Plus it's not a man purse. It's called a satchel. Indiana Jones wears one.
Phil So does Joy Behar.
Guys. Guys. What about the tiger? What if he got out?
Phil Oh, ****! I keep forgetting about the goddamn tiger! How the **** did he get in there?
I don't know, because I don't remember.
Phil Shh! Stu! Stu, keep it down.
One of the side-effects of roofies is memory loss.
You are literally too stupid to insult.
Phil All right. We got the money. 80 grand cash.
C Chow
Throw it over! Then I give you Doug.
I'm sorry. First of all, good morning. We didn't catch your name last night.
C Chow
Mr. Chow. Leslie Chow.
Mr. Chow, it is a pleasure. My name is Stu. And we would very much appreciate an opportunity to see Doug before we give you the money, to verify that he's okay, if that's cool.
C Chow
Of course, Stu. That is cool. [claps hands, and a man with a bag on his head is brought out of the car]
C Chow
See? He fine. Now, gimme money, or I shoot him, and I shoot all you mother****ers! And then we take it! Your choice, bitches!
OF Officer Franklin
[to a group of schoolchildren who are being shown a demonstration on how a taser works]
Ok, kids, you're in for a real treat today. These gentlemen have kindly volunteered to demonstrate how a stun gun is used to subdue a suspect... Now, there's two ways to use a stun gun: up close and personal…
OF Officer Franklin
[tasers Stu in the neck; Stu collapses]
…or you can shoot it from a distance. Now, do I have any volunteers? You wanna come up here and do some shootin’, huh? Alright. How about you, young lady? Come on up here.
OF Officer Franklin
Alright. Let's go, handsome. Come on.
OF Officer Franklin
[Alan steps forward]
Not you, fat Jesus. Slide it on back.
OF Officer Franklin
[to Phil]
You, pretty boy.
[to girl] Officer Franklin: Alright. Now, it's real simple. All you gotta do is point, aim and shoot. Alright?
Phil You don't really wanna do this.
OF Officer Franklin
You can do this. Just focus.
Phil Don't listen to this maniac. Let's think this thing through.
OF Officer Franklin
Finish him!
OF Officer Franklin
[the girl tasers Phil]
Right in the nuts! That was beautiful! Well done! Give her a hand, everybody. Good job! Well done! Good job! That was great!
OF Officer Franklin
Look, hey, we got one more charge left. Anybody wanna do some shootin’ up here? How about you, big man?[to the boy who had his phone kicked out of his hand by Alan earlier] Come on up here. Okay, same instructions: just point, aim and shoot. There ya go. That's the stuff. I like the intensity, eye of the tiger. You're holdin’ 50,000 volts, little man. Don't be afraid to ride the lightning.
OF Officer Franklin
[the kid tasers Alan]
In the face! In the face!
