A Ayesha
We thank you, Guardians, for putting your lives on the line. We could not risk the lives of our own Sovereign citizens. Every citizen is born exactly as designed by the community. Impeccable: Both physically and mentally. We control the DNA of our progeny germinating them in birthing pods.
Well, I guess I prefer to make people the old-fashioned way.
A Ayesha
Perhaps someday, you could give me a history lesson in the archaic ways of our ancestors. For academic purposes.
I would be honored, yes. In the name of research, I think that could be pretty…repulsive. I'm not into that kind of casual.
Oh, please. Your people promised something in exchange for our services. Bring it, and we shall gladly be on our way.
[The Sovereign guards bring a hooded figure into the courtroom. They pull back the hood to reveal Nebula]
Family reunion. Yaaaay.
A Ayesha
I understand that she is your sister?
She's worth no more to me than the bounty due for her on Xandar.
A Ayesha
Our soldiers apprehended her attempting to steal the batteries. Do with her as you please.
We thank you, High Priestess Ayesha.
A Ayesha
What's your heritage, Mr. Quill?
A Ayesha
And your father?
He ain't from Missouri. That's all I know.
A Ayesha
I see it within you. An unorthodox genealogy. A hybrid that seems particularly…reckless.
Rocket You know, they told me you people were conceited douchebags. But that isn't true at all! [Rocket flashes a wink at Quill. Sovereign guards gasp and one of them aims his weapon at Rocket] Oh, shit, I'm using my wrong eye again, aren't I? [Drax pulls him up from his scruff] I'm sorry, that was meant to be behind your back.
[Putting Rocket down]
Count yourself blessed they didn't kill you.
Rocket You're tellin' me. [Shows Drax his stolen Anulax batteries] You wanna buy some batteries? [Drax laughs]
This is weird. We have a Sovereign fleet approaching from the rear.
Probably because Rocket stole some of their batteries.
Rocket Dude!
[Awkwardly]
Right... He didn't steal some of those. I don't know why they're after us. What a mystery this is. [The Sovereign fleet open fire]
Rocket Dude, they were really easy to steal.
Rocket Quill, when you go to bed tonight there's gonna be something squishy in your pillowcase and you're gonna be like "What's this?" and it's gonna be because I put a turd in there!
You put your turd in my bed, I shave you.
Rocket Oh, it won't be my turd, it'll be Drax's!
[Laughs]
I have famously huge turds!
Rocket You know why I did it Star-Munch? Hmm?
I'm not gonna answer to "Star-Munch."
Rocket I did it because I wanted to.
Rocket What are we even talking about this for? We just had a little man save us by blowing up fifty ships!
Rocket Well, I don't know, like this? (he holds his fingers about an inch apart)
A little one-inch man saved us?
Rocket Well, if he got closer, I’m sure he would be much larger.
Yeah, that’s how eyesight works, you stupid raccoon.
Rocket [enraged]
DON'T CALL ME A RACCOON!
I’m sorry, I took it too far. I meant Trash Panda.
Rocket [Genuinely curious]
Is that better?
[chuckling]
It’s worse. It’s so much worse.
Rocket YOU SON OF A--! [furiously lunges at Quill]
I hired Yondu to pick you up after your mother passed away. But instead of returning you, Yondu kept you. I have no clue as to why.
I'll tell ya why: I was a skinny little kid who could slip into places adults couldn't, made it easier for thieving.
Well, I've been trying to track you down ever since.
I thought Yondu was your father.
What? You're trying to tell me that this whole time you thought Yondu was my actual blood relative?
[Mouthful]
You look exactly alike!
Rocket One's blue!
No, he's not my father! Yondu was the guy who abducted me, kicked the crap out of me so I could learn to fight and kept me in terror by threatening to eat me.
Well, even where I reside, out past the edge of what's known, we've heard tell about the man they call "Star-Lord." What say we head out there right now? Your associates are welcome. Even that triangle-faced monkey (Rocket) there.
T Taserface
It's time for the Ravagers to rise once again to glory, with a new captain: TASERFACE!!!
Rocket [He and the mutinous Ravagers cheer, but stop when they hear Rocket laughing]
I-I-I'm sorry, I'm-... Your name is... it's Taserface?
T Taserface
That's right.
Rocket Do you... shoot tasers outta your face?
T Taserface
[extravagantly]
IT'S METAPHORICAL!
R Ravagers
[cheer enthusiastically]
Rocket [genuinely curious]
For what?
T Taserface
For... It is a name...what strikes fear into the hearts of anyone what hears it!
R Ravagers
[half-hearted sounds of agreement]
Rocket Uhh, okay. Whatever you say.
T Taserface
[pulls out his knife]
You shut up. You're next. [Taserface turns and puts his knife to Yondu's throat] Udonta, I have waited a long time to-
Rocket [begins loudly s****ing]
T Taserface
[irritated]
WHAT?!
Rocket [trying to suppress his laughter]
I'm sorry! I am so sorry! I just keep imagining you waking up in the morning, sir, looking in the mirror, and in all seriousness saying to yourself, [gruff voice] "Y'know what would be a REALLY kickass name?! TASERFACE!!!" [normal] That's how I hear you in my head! What was your second choice?! "SCROTUMHAT?!"
T Taserface
[Everyone breaks out laughing, much to Taserface’s annoyance] [puts his knife to Rocket's throat]
New plan: we're killing you first!
Rocket Well, dying is certainly better than having to live an entire life as a moronic shitbag who thinks "Taserface" is a cool name!
Rocket No offense, but your employees are a bunch of jerks.
[quietly, ashamed]
I was a Kree battle slave for twenty years when Stakar freed me. He offered me a place with the Ravagers. Said all I needed to do was adhere to the code. But I was young, and greedy, and stupid. Like you stealing those batteries.
Rocket That was mostly Drax.
Me and Stakar, and the other captains... we weren't so different from you and your friends. The only family I ever had. When I broke the code... they exiled me. This is what I deserve.
Rocket Slow down, drama queen. You might deserve this, but I don't. We gotta get out of here.
Rocket Eh, he went off with his old man.
Rocket Yeah. It's a day for dumbass names.
Rocket [Yondu chuckles]
You're smiling! And for a second, I got a warm feeling, but then it was ruined by those disgusting-ass teeth.
You like a professional asshole, or what?
Rocket Pretty much a pro. Why didn't you deliver Quill to Ego, like you promised?
He was skinny. Could fit into places we couldn't. Good for thievin'.
Rocket [not particularly convinced]
Uh-huh?
I have a plan to get out of here. But we're gonna need your little friend.
[To Groot]
Pst! Hey, twig! Come'ere!
Rocket Oh, man, what did they do to you?
Hey, you want to help us get out of here? [Groot nods] There's something I need you to get, and bring back to me. In the Captain's quarters, there's a prototype fin. The thing I wore on my head. There's a drawer next to the bunk. It's in that. It's red. You got it?
[Groot nods and runs off excitedly. He returns with Yondu's underwear]
That's my underwear.
Rocket Yeah, I was pretty sure he didn't know what you were talking about. You have to explain it more carefully.
[Sighs]
It's a prototype fin.
Rocket [Groot returns with a squirming Orloni]
That's an Orloni. It's a fin, Groot!
[Sighs]
You explain it this time.
Rocket Alright…
[Groot returns again with Vorker's prosthetic eye]
That's Vorker's eye. He takes it out when he sleeps. Go, look again.
Rocket But leave the eye here.
Rocket [Trying not to laugh]
He's gonna wake up tomorrow, and he's not gonna know where his EYE IS!
Rocket [Groot returns again dragging a giant metal desk]
That's a desk. We told you it was this big!
Rocket [Groot returns, holding a severed human toe]
... Tell me you guys have a refrigerator somewhere with a bunch of severed human toes. [Yondu shakes his head] Okay, then let's just agree never to discuss this.
[Hands Groot his ravager badge]
The drawer you want to open has this symbol on it, alright?
[Groot slowly puts the badge on his head]
WHAT?! NO!
Rocket He thinks you want him to wear it as a hat.
Rocket He's relieved you don't want him to.
Rocket He hates hats.
Rocket On anyone, not just himself.
Rocket One minute, you think someone has a weird shaped head, and then the next minute, it's just because you realize part of that head is the hat! [To Groot] That's why you don't like hats?! [Groot nods]
This is an important conversation right now?
[After doing 700 jumps through hyperspace to reach Ego]
WHAT THE HELL YOU DOING, BOY?!
Rocket I could tell by how you talked about him this Ego's bad news! We’re here to save Quill!
For what? Huh?! For honor? For love?
Rocket No! I don’t care about those things! I wanna save Quill so I can prove I'm better than him! I can lord this over him forever!
Rocket [Yondu laughs in response]
What are you laughing at me for?
You can fool yourself and everyone else, but you can't fool me. I know who you are.
Rocket You don't know anything about me, loser!
I know everything about you. I know you play like you're the meanest and the hardest, but actually, you're the most scared of all.
Rocket Shut up!
I know you steal batteries you don't need, and you push away anyone who's willing to put up with you, 'cause just a little bit of love reminds you of how big and empty that hole inside you actually is.
Rocket I said shut up!
I know them scientists what made you, never gave a rat's ass about you!
Rocket I'm serious, dude!
Just like my own damn parents, who sold me, their own little baby, into slavery! I know who you are, boy! Because you're me.
Rocket ...What kind of a pair are we?
The kind that's about to go fight a planet, I reckon.
Rocket All right, okay! Good, that's-- Wait. Fight a what?
Rocket [Walking Groot through atomic bomb detonation]
Alright, first you flip this switch, then this switch. That activates it. Then you push this button, which will give you 5 minutes to get outta there. [Groot stares blankly] Now, whatever you do, don't push this button. (Why?) Because that'll set off the bomb immediately, and we'll all be dead. Now, repeat back what I just said.
I am Groot. [Translating; "I flip the first switch."]
Rocket Uh-huh.
I am Groot. [Translating; "Then the second one."]
Rocket That's right.
[Points to the death button]
I am Groot. [Translating; "And then... this button, right?"]
Rocket No! No, that's the button that will kill everyone! Try again.
Hmm. I am Groot. [Translating; "I do the first switch."]
Rocket Mm-hmm.
I am Groot. [Translating; "Then the second."]
Rocket Uh-huh.
[Points at the death button… again]
I am Groot. [Translating; "Then... this button?"]
Rocket No! That's exactly what you just said! How's that even possible? Which button is the one you're supposed to push? Point to it. [Groot points at death button... once again] No!
[From skylight]
Hey, you're making him nervous!
Rocket Shut up, and give me some tape! Does anyone have any tape out there? I wanna put some tape over the death button.
I don't have any tape. Lemme check. [Jetpacks away] Yo, Yondu! Do you have any- Ow! Do you have any tape? [Groans in pain] Gamora, do you have any tape? Tape! Oh, never mind. Sorry. Ow! Drax, do you have any tape? Yes, Scotch tape would work. Then why would you ask me if Scotch tape would work, if you don't have any?! [Reappears] Nobody has any tape!
Rocket Not a single person has tape?!
Rocket Did you ask Nebula?
Rocket Are you sure?!
I asked Yondu, and she was standing right next to him!
Rocket I knew you were lying!
You have priceless batteries and an atomic bomb in your bag! If anybody's gonna have tape, it's you!
Rocket That's exactly my point! I have to do everything!
You are wasting a lot of time here!
Rocket [As Groot grabs the bomb and runs to Ego's core]
We're all gonna die.
Rocket [About Yondu]
He didn't chase them away.
Rocket [On Yondu's former Ravager teammates]
Even though he yelled at them, he was always mean, and stole batteries he didn't need. [Bows head in shame]
[Looks down at Rocket]
Well, of course not.
[Gamora looks up at him, who looks back down at her curiously]
What?
It's just…some unspoken thing.
[Quill gives her a small and smug "I told you so" smirk. She wraps her arm around his waist as he wraps his arm around her shoulders]
It's beautiful.
It is. And so are you: on the inside.
