A Ayesha
We thank you, Guardians, for putting your lives on the line. We could not risk the lives of our own Sovereign citizens. Every citizen is born exactly as designed by the community. Impeccable: Both physically and mentally. We control the DNA of our progeny germinating them in birthing pods.
Q Quill
Well, I guess I prefer to make people the old-fashioned way.
A Ayesha
Perhaps someday, you could give me a history lesson in the archaic ways of our ancestors. For academic purposes.
Q Quill
I would be honored, yes. In the name of research, I think that could be pretty…repulsive. I'm not into that kind of casual.
Oh, please. Your people promised something in exchange for our services. Bring it, and we shall gladly be on our way.
Q Quill
[The Sovereign guards bring a hooded figure into the courtroom. They pull back the hood to reveal Nebula]
Family reunion. Yaaaay.
A Ayesha
I understand that she is your sister?
She's worth no more to me than the bounty due for her on Xandar.
A Ayesha
Our soldiers apprehended her attempting to steal the batteries. Do with her as you please.
Q Quill
We thank you, High Priestess Ayesha.
A Ayesha
What's your heritage, Mr. Quill?
Q Quill
My mother is from Earth.
A Ayesha
And your father?
Q Quill
He ain't from Missouri. That's all I know.
A Ayesha
I see it within you. An unorthodox genealogy. A hybrid that seems particularly…reckless.
You know, they told me you people were conceited douchebags. But that isn't true at all! [Rocket flashes a wink at Quill. Sovereign guards gasp and one of them aims his weapon at Rocket] Oh, shit, I'm using my wrong eye again, aren't I? [Drax pulls him up from his scruff] I'm sorry, that was meant to be behind your back.
[Putting Rocket down]
Count yourself blessed they didn't kill you.
You're tellin' me. [Shows Drax his stolen Anulax batteries] You wanna buy some batteries? [Drax laughs]
Quill, when you go to bed tonight there's gonna be something squishy in your pillowcase and you're gonna be like "What's this?" and it's gonna be because I put a turd in there!
Q Quill
You put your turd in my bed, I shave you.
Oh, it won't be my turd, it'll be Drax's!
[Laughs]
I have famously huge turds!
You know why I did it Star-Munch? Hmm?
Q Quill
I'm not gonna answer to "Star-Munch."
I did it because I wanted to.
What are we even talking about this for? We just had a little man save us by blowing up fifty ships!
Well, I don't know, like this? (he holds his fingers about an inch apart)
A little one-inch man saved us?
Well, if he got closer, I’m sure he would be much larger.
Q Quill
Yeah, that’s how eyesight works, you stupid raccoon.
[enraged]
DON'T CALL ME A RACCOON!
Q Quill
I’m sorry, I took it too far. I meant Trash Panda.
[Genuinely curious]
Is that better?
Q Quill
[chuckling]
It’s worse. It’s so much worse.
YOU SON OF A--! [furiously lunges at Quill]
I hired Yondu to pick you up after your mother passed away. But instead of returning you, Yondu kept you. I have no clue as to why.
Q Quill
I'll tell ya why: I was a skinny little kid who could slip into places adults couldn't, made it easier for thieving.
Well, I've been trying to track you down ever since.
I thought Yondu was your father.
Q Quill
What? You're trying to tell me that this whole time you thought Yondu was my actual blood relative?
[Mouthful]
You look exactly alike!
Q Quill
No, he's not my father! Yondu was the guy who abducted me, kicked the crap out of me so I could learn to fight and kept me in terror by threatening to eat me.
Well, even where I reside, out past the edge of what's known, we've heard tell about the man they call "Star-Lord." What say we head out there right now? Your associates are welcome. Even that triangle-faced monkey (Rocket) there.
Q Quill
Give me a break! After all this time, you're gonna show up, and all of a sudden you wanna be my dad?
Q Quill
And by the way, this could be a trap. The Kree purists, the Ravagers, they all want us dead.
What was that story you once told me about Zardu Hasselfrau?
Q Quill
[Long pause]
David Hasselhoff? Not a magic boat. A talking car.
Q Quill
To help him fight crime, and to be supportive!
As a child, you would carry his picture in your pocket and you would tell all the other children that he was your father, but that he was out of town on business.
Q Quill
Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
[Shocked]
No! No one has ever asked me a personal question!
Q Quill
Your antennae, what are they for?
Yes. Quill and I have a bet.
Q Quill
Dude, you're not supposed to say that…
I say: if you are about to go through a doorway that is too low, your antenna will feel this and keep you from being decapitated.
Q Quill
Right. And, if it's anything other than specifically being decapitated by a doorway, I win.
They are not for feeling doorways! [Drax groans, and Quill pulls a victory fist] I think they have something to do with my emphatic abilities.
If I touch someone, I can feel their feelings.
No. Telepaths know thoughts. Empaths feel feelings, emotions. May I?
[Touches Quill's hand]
You feel…love!
Q Quill
Yeah, I guess I feel a general, unselfish love for just about everybody around me…
No. Romantic, sexual love.
For her! [Points at Gamora]
Q Quill
Nooo, that is not....
Q Quill
[Beat as Gamora and Drax both stare at Quill] [Drax bursts into uproariously loud laughter]
Okay. That's--
She just told everyone your deepest, darkest secret!
Q Quill
Dude, come on, I think you're overreacting a little bit.
You must be so embarrassed! [To Mantis] Do me! Do me, do me!
[Touches Drax's chest and immediately starts laughing with him]
I have never felt such humor!
Q Quill
So unbelievably uncool.
Welcome everyone, to my world.
Q Quill
Wow, you have your own planet?
Come on, no larger than your Earth Moon.
Humility. I like it. I, too, am extraordinarily humble.
Over millions of years, I learned to control the molecules around me. I grew smarter and stronger, and I continued building from there, layer by layer, the very planet you walk on now. But I wanted more. I desired meaning. There must be some life out there in the universe. Besides me, I thought. So, I set myself the task of finding it. I created what I thought biological life to be like, down to the most minute detail.
If he's a planet, how could he make a baby with your mother? He would smush her!
Q Quill
I don't need to hear how my parents, uh…
Why? My father would tell the story of him impregnating my mother every winter solstice.
Q Quill
That's disgusting.
[Affronted]
It was beautiful! You Earthers have hang-ups.
Yes, Drax, I got a penis.
[Drax interestingly stares at Ego's groin]
Ahhh.
[Quill and Gamora look beyond grossed out]
Q Quill
So, I guess this could all be mine someday.
Rocket? Rocket, are you there? [No call, but static on a caller, while she tries to get better signal, Quill touches her] What are you doing, Peter?
I'm not going to dance with you.
Q Quill
This is Sam Cooke, one of the greatest earth singers of all time. [They are dancing] Drax thinks you're not a dancer.
If you ever tell anyone about this, I will kill you.
Q Quill
When are we gonna do something about this unspoken thing between us?
Q Quill
This Cheers, Sam and Diane, a guy and a girl on a TV show who dig each other, but never say it because if they do, the ratings would go down sort of thing.
There's no unspoken thing.
Q Quill
Well, it's a catch-22 because if you said it, then it would be spoken and you would be a liar. So, by not saying it you are telling the truth and admitting that there is.
No, that's not what I… [They stop dancing] What we should be discussing right now is something about this place. It doesn't feel right.
Q Quill
What are you talking about? You're the one who wanted me to come here!
That girl Mantis; she's afraid of something.
Q Quill
Why are you trying to take this away from me?
Q Quill
He's my father. He's blood.
You have blood on Earth and you never wanted to return there.
Q Quill
Again, you made me come here! And Earth is the place where my mother died right in front of me.
No, it's because that place is real, and this is a fantasy.
Q Quill
This is real! I'm only half-human, remember?
That's the half I'm worried about.
Q Quill
Oh, I get it. You're jealous because I'm part-god, and you like when I'm the weak one.
You were insufferable to begin with. I haven't been able to reach Rocket. I'm gonna go outside and I'm gonna try and get a signal.
Q Quill
You know what? This is not Cheers after all! This is whatever the show is where one person is willing to open themselves up to new possibility, and the other person is a jerk who doesn't trust anybody! It's a show that doesn't exist! That's why it would get zero ratings!
I don't know what Cheers is!
Q Quill
I finally found my family. Don't you understand that?
I thought you already had. [Leaves]
Death will remain a stranger to both of us, as long as the light burns within the planet.
Yes! As long as the light exists.
Q Quill
Like, I could use the light to build cool things, like how you made this whole planet?
Well, it might take a few million years of practice before you get really good at it. But yes!
Q Quill
What? Well, get ready for a eight hundred-foot statue of Pac-Man with Skeletor and Heather Locklear…
Q Quill
I'm gonna make some weird shit.
[Gamora grabs Mantis by the neck and slams her against a wall]
Hey!
Who are you people?! What is this place?!
The bodies in the caverns, who are they?!
You are scared. [Gamora lets go of Mantis's neck]
I call it the Expansion. It is my purpose. And now it’s yours as well.
Over thousands of years I implanted thousands of extensions of myself on thousands of worlds. I need to fulfill life’s one true purpose… to grow and spread…covering all that exists… until everything is… me.
[reacting with Mantis' powers]
What did she do to me?
She already told me everything.
I only had one problem. A single Celestial doesn’t have enough power for such an enterprise. But two Celestials… well, now, that just might do.
The bodies… are his children.
Out of all my labors… the most beguiling was…attempting to graft my DNA with that of another species. I hoped the result of such a coupling would be enough…to power the Expansion. I had Yondu deliver some of them to me. It broke the Ravager code, but I compensated him generously… and to ease his conscience, I said I’d never hurt them. I mean, that was true. They never felt a thing. But one after the other, they failed me. Not one of them carried the Celestial genes. Until you, Peter. Out of all my spawn… only you carried the connection to the light.
We need to find Peter now and get off this damn planet.
Ego will have won him to his side by now. He has a way of -
All any of you do is yell at each other. You’re not friends.
You’re right. We’re family. We leave no one behind. [To Nebula] Except maybe you.
For the first time in my existence... I am truly NOT ALONE! [Turns to see Peter looking doubtful] What is it, son?
Now, well, you see, that's the mortal in you, Peter.
We are beyond such things.
Q Quill
But my mother... you said you loved my mother.
And that I did. My River Lily, who knew all the words to every song that came over the radio. I returned to Earth to see her three times, and I knew if I returned a fourth, well... I'd never leave. The Expansion... the reason for my very existence would be over, so I did what I had to do. But... it broke my heart to put that tumor in her head.
Q Quill
[Outraged, shaking off Ego's influence]
What?!
Now, now, all right, I know that sounds bad--
[Quill repeatedly shoots Ego's avatar with his Quad Blasters, leaving several holes] [Reforming]
Who... in the HELL do you think you are?!
Q Quill
YOU KILLED MY MOTHER!
I tried so hard to find the form... [Changes into David Hasselhoff] ...that best suited you, and this is the thanks I get?! [Changes back] You really need to grow up! [Pierces Quill with a tendril of energy] I wanted to do this together, but I suppose you'll have to learn by spending the next thousand years as a BATTERY!
[Walking Groot through atomic bomb detonation]
Alright, first you flip this switch, then this switch. That activates it. Then you push this button, which will give you 5 minutes to get outta there. [Groot stares blankly] Now, whatever you do, don't push this button. (Why?) Because that'll set off the bomb immediately, and we'll all be dead. Now, repeat back what I just said.
I am Groot. [Translating; "I flip the first switch."]
I am Groot. [Translating; "Then the second one."]
[Points to the death button]
I am Groot. [Translating; "And then... this button, right?"]
No! No, that's the button that will kill everyone! Try again.
Hmm. I am Groot. [Translating; "I do the first switch."]
I am Groot. [Translating; "Then the second."]
[Points at the death button… again]
I am Groot. [Translating; "Then... this button?"]
No! That's exactly what you just said! How's that even possible? Which button is the one you're supposed to push? Point to it. [Groot points at death button... once again] No!
Q Quill
[From skylight]
Hey, you're making him nervous!
Shut up, and give me some tape! Does anyone have any tape out there? I wanna put some tape over the death button.
Q Quill
I don't have any tape. Lemme check. [Jetpacks away] Yo, Yondu! Do you have any- Ow! Do you have any tape? [Groans in pain] Gamora, do you have any tape? Tape! Oh, never mind. Sorry. Ow! Drax, do you have any tape? Yes, Scotch tape would work. Then why would you ask me if Scotch tape would work, if you don't have any?! [Reappears] Nobody has any tape!
Not a single person has tape?!
Q Quill
I asked Yondu, and she was standing right next to him!
Q Quill
You have priceless batteries and an atomic bomb in your bag! If anybody's gonna have tape, it's you!
That's exactly my point! I have to do everything!
Q Quill
You are wasting a lot of time here!
[As Groot grabs the bomb and runs to Ego's core]
We're all gonna die.
[About Yondu]
He didn't chase them away.
[On Yondu's former Ravager teammates]
Even though he yelled at them, he was always mean, and stole batteries he didn't need. [Bows head in shame]
Q Quill
[Looks down at Rocket]
Well, of course not.
Q Quill
[Gamora looks up at him, who looks back down at her curiously]
What?
It's just…some unspoken thing.
[Quill gives her a small and smug "I told you so" smirk. She wraps her arm around his waist as he wraps his arm around her shoulders]
It's beautiful.
It is. And so are you: on the inside.
Q Quill
[Mid-credits scene 3ː Quill walks into Groot's room, who is playing a video game, and sees that vines are all over the place]
Ugh, dude. Seriously? You gotta clean up your room. It’s a complete mess.
Q Quill
I am not boring. You’re boring. You know what’s boring? Sitting there, playing that mind-numbing game. What’s boring is me tripping over your vines every day! I’m not boring!
Q Quill
And now I know how Yondu felt.
