Officer Franklin [to a group of schoolchildren who are being shown a demonstration on how a taser works]
Ok, kids, you're in for a real treat today. These gentlemen have kindly volunteered to demonstrate how a stun gun is used to subdue a suspect... Now, there's two ways to use a stun gun: up close and personal…
Officer Franklin [tasers Stu in the neck; Stu collapses]
…or you can shoot it from a distance. Now, do I have any volunteers? You wanna come up here and do some shootin’, huh? Alright. How about you, young lady? Come on up here.
Officer Franklin Alright. Let's go, handsome. Come on.
Officer Franklin [Alan steps forward]
Not you, fat Jesus. Slide it on back.
Officer Franklin [to Phil]
You, pretty boy.
[to girl] Officer Franklin: Alright. Now, it's real simple. All you gotta do is point, aim and shoot. Alright?
You don't really wanna do this.
Officer Franklin You can do this. Just focus.
Don't listen to this maniac. Let's think this thing through.
Officer Franklin Finish him!
Officer Franklin [the girl tasers Phil]
Right in the nuts! That was beautiful! Well done! Give her a hand, everybody. Good job! Well done! Good job! That was great!
Officer Franklin Look, hey, we got one more charge left. Anybody wanna do some shootin’ up here? How about you, big man?[to the boy who had his phone kicked out of his hand by Alan earlier] Come on up here. Okay, same instructions: just point, aim and shoot. There ya go. That's the stuff. I like the intensity, eye of the tiger. You're holdin’ 50,000 volts, little man. Don't be afraid to ride the lightning.
Officer Franklin [the kid tasers Alan]
In the face! In the face!
Guys. Guys. What about the tiger? What if he got out?
Oh, ****! I keep forgetting about the goddamn tiger! How the **** did he get in there?
I don't know, because I don't remember.
Shh! Stu! Stu, keep it down.
One of the side-effects of roofies is memory loss.
You are literally too stupid to insult.
I like to say somethin' that I prepared tonight.
[extracts a sheet of paper; presents his speech]
Hello. How 'bout that ride in? I guess that's why they call it Sin City. You guys might not know this, but I consider myself a bit of a loner. I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack. But when my sister brought Doug home, I knew he was one of my own. And my wolf pack, it grew by one. So, there were two of us in the wolf pack. I was alone first in the pack, and then Doug joined in later. And six months ago, when Doug introduced me to you guys, I thought, "Wait a second, could it be?" And now I know for sure, I just added two more guys to my wolf pack. Four of us wolves, running around the desert together, in Las Vegas, looking for strippers and cocaine. So tonight, I make a toast! [pulls out a pocket knife]
[Alan tries to cut his palm, to the others' shock]
What the ****?!
Doug What are you doin'?!
[Alan groans in pain]
What is that?!
I want you to know, Doug, I'm a steel trap. Whatever happens tonight, I will never, ever, ever speak a word of it.
Okay. I got it. Thank you. I don't think that...
Seriously. I don't care what happens. I don't care if we kill someone.
You heard me. It's Sin City. I won't tell a soul.
Okay. I got it. Thank you.
No, thank you. [the two future in-laws embrace] I love you so much.
Oh, yeah. Told her we're two hours outside of wine country, and she bought it.
Don't you think it's strange that you've been in a relationship for three years, and you still have to lie about going to Vegas?
Yeah, I do. But trust me, it's not worth the fight.
Oh, so you can't go to Vegas, but she can **** a bellhop on a Carnival Cruise Line?
Okay. First of all, he was a bartender. And she was wasted. And, if you must know, he didn't even come inside her.
Uh, yeah, I do believe that, because she's grossed out by seamen.
Melissa I called that bed and breakfast in Napa. They said they had no record of you even checking in.
That's 'cause we didn't go to Napa.
Melissa Stu, what the **** is going on?
Melissa Oh, really? Las Vegas? Why would you go to Las Vegas?
'Cause my best friend was getting married, and that's what guys do.
Melissa Uh-huh?
Melissa That's not what you do.
Really? Well, then, why did I do it?! Huh?! 'Cause I did it! Riddle me that! Why'd I do it?! You know, sometimes I think all you want me to do is what you want me to do. Well, I'm sick of doing what you want me to do all the time. I think, in a healthy relationship, sometimes a guy should be able to do what he wants to do.
Melissa That is not how this works!
Oh, good! Because whatever this is ain't workin' for me!
Melissa Oh, really?
Melissa Since when?!
Since you **** that waiter on your cruise last June! BOOM!!!
You told me it was a bartender.
Oh. You're right. I stand corrected. It was a bartender. You **** a bartender.
Melissa You're an idiot.
You're a-- You... [struggles] You're... such a bad person! Like, all the way through to your core!
[sees Alan with his new satchel]
You're not really wearin' that, are you?
The man purse. You actually gonna wear that, or you guys just ****in' with me?
It's where I keep all my things. Get a lot of compliments on this. Plus it's not a man purse. It's called a satchel. Indiana Jones wears one.
All right. We got the money. 80 grand cash.
Chow Throw it over! Then I give you Doug.
I'm sorry. First of all, good morning. We didn't catch your name last night.
Chow Mr. Chow. Leslie Chow.
Mr. Chow, it is a pleasure. My name is Stu. And we would very much appreciate an opportunity to see Doug before we give you the money, to verify that he's okay, if that's cool.
Chow Of course, Stu. That is cool. [claps hands, and a man with a bag on his head is brought out of the car]
Chow See? He fine. Now, gimme money, or I shoot him, and I shoot all you mother****ers! And then we take it! Your choice, bitches!
Tracy Phil, where the hell are you guys? I'm freaking out.
Yeah, listen. Uh... we **** up.
Tracy What are you talking about?
The bachelor party-- The whole night-- Things got outta control, and, uh…we lost Doug.
Tracy What?
Tracy What are you saying, Phil? We're getting married in five hours!
Yeah. That's not gonna happen.
